Interview with a Studby2bonehead©
*this is a work of fiction (and perhaps a little fantasy, and I hope you enjoy it**
This is a very unique interview with an ordinary guy in an extraordinary job. We can't use his real name here. We wanted to be respectful and serious about this interview, so we sent Adam Carolla to talk to him.
AC: Hey, how are you doin??? I am supposed to call you John Doe?? Are you kidding me??
JD: I'm great thanks! Yes, for this interview, John Doe is fine. And no, I am not kidding you.
AC: Let's get down to it. You have sex with women for money. Lots of money.. And your wife is cool with it?
JD: Hah. I think that "cool with it" is a little strong. How about reluctantly cooperative?? Yes, I have sex with women for money.
AC: How much money??
JD: A lot of money.
AC: So, do they buy you dinner first?
JD: Actually, with what we charge, I usually cover the cost of the meal.
AC: OK, let's get serious. I am looking at you, you are nothing special. What is the deal?
JD: Thanks a lot. I happen to think I'm cute!
AC: Seriously, what is the deal?
JD: OK. Here is my story. I got my wife pregnant.
AC: That's not special. That happens to LOTS of people.
JD: Hah. You are right. But where it gets interesting is that in our case it was medically impossible. Not improbable. It was impossible. In fact, there was NEVER a pregnancy ever seen with her specific condition.
AC: So.. Your boys are good swimmers. How did that turn into your career?
JD: Well, it didn't happen right away. When she got pregnant the SEVENTH time, the doctors really began to do tests and ask questions.
AC: Did you then put up an AD on Craigslist offering to have sex with women for money??
JD: That was exactly how it happened.. NO. Just kidding. I provided samples, and they tested them with different women without too much result.
AC: So, the magic only works with "direct deposit"?
JD: Direct deposit?? I LIKE that. Pretty much. One of the doctors in the medical group I was working with had real fertility problems and approached me directly. She asked if I would "help".
AC: Oh. Tough request. Was she HOT?? Big knockers??
JD: Not too bad.. OK. Stop. You are you going to get me killed here. Remember, I have a wife that I have to sell on this whole idea. We decided that we really wanted to help.
AC: Big Sacrifice..
Jd: Yup. thanks. You are not helping..
AC: Sorry. go on.
JD: The Head doctor running the group and I agreed to do a little experiment with a small group of women to see what sort of results we would get. If there was a common factor. If there was something that I was "doing" differently.
AC: Now you have my attention. Did they line them up for you?? How many? 20?? all in one day?? Do you need any help?? I'm READY!
JD: Calm down.. You are insane. The first group was 6 women with clearly defined medical problems that prevented them from getting pregnant.
AC: And what happened then?
JD: They all got pregnant.
AC: All of them?
AC: First shot?
JD: Laughing. Yes. First shot. I haven't heard it put that way before.
AC: So THEN you put the Ad on Craigslist?
JD: This isn't really something you need to advertise. People that want kids are pretty motivated.
AC: So what happened?
JD: There were a couple of things to consider. First: I am married, and I have to take my wife's feelings and concerns into account. Second, there are a lot of medical issues that need to be carefully monitored. Third: Having a fairly unique ability allows me to set the price. Money doesn't matter, but when you have kids that need to go to school, it goes pretty fast.
AC: So, how does it actually happen? You get them drunk? They get you drunk? You get drunk together???
JD: This is actually pretty funny. It started out very clinical. I would meet them at the doctors office. They would hook up sensors, and monitors. And I would do it. It was a little surreal. Sort of like the Handmaids tale.
AC: Was it fun?
JD: No. Not at all. The process took the humanity out of it. To every guy it sounds like a dream job. But it is not. I was not having any fun. The women would have their teeth clenched with a determined look on their face. Some would cry. I went along with this for a few weeks, and it just dragged me down. I put a stop to it.
AC: Is society ready for this kind of thing?
JD: Well, this sort of thing has been happening for thousands of years. Any small community that is isolated will try to get a visiting man to impregnate at least one of the women??
AC: Are you serious?
JD: Happens all the time. If you don't bring fresh genetic material into the group, within a few generations the babies will have 7 arms. IN remote native villages it is part of the hospitality. You have to have sex with several women.
AC: Does this happen now? In America?
JD: Sure. Any small, isolated community. For example, the Mennonites will bring in trusted outsiders.
AC: The Mennonites!! The Mennonites are SWINGERS??
JD: I suppose they are.
AC: So, how do they do it?
JD: I haven't seen it, but I hear it is a very intimidating environment. The woman is in the bed. The parents are there, the husband is there. Everyone is watching you.
AC: Do they hold up score cards when you are done? Is that what happened to you?
JD: NO! That didn't happen to me. I have a good sense of humor and would have probably made a joke about it. Well. I think that people can get used to anything. But I didn't like the way it was being handled at all. I felt like a monster.
AC: So, What did you change?
JD: I changed the whole approach to the situation. I changed it from a medical procedure, to a personal procedure.
AC: What do you mean? It seems very personal.
JD: It is. The medical part of it is very important. The women are thoroughly checked out. Everything that happens is tracked. The pregnancy is closely monitored. How the child does. Everything is carefully watched and recorded. But, my problem was that the staff was presenting the whole thing like a trip to the dentist.
AC: As I said earlier. You are not that cute. How did you make it different?
JD: Thanks a lot. Once they got past the Doctors, it stopped being a medical procedure and became a personal process. I put several counselors on the team. I wanted the couple to meet with the counselors before they even got to me.
AC: They meet you?
JD: I don't usually meet the husbands anymore.
AC: I wouldn't want to meet them either. What do you say to them??
JD: Well, I figured out early on that there was nothing I could ever do or say to make the husband/boyfriend comfortable around me. And this made the women uncomfortable.
AC: Were these changes for you, or for them?
JD: Both. If I was going to be doing this on any sort of regular basis, it couldn't be like that. It couldn't be a medical procedure where I jumped on, did my thing and jumped off.
AC: Did everyone clap when you were done??
JD: Not the first time. But when it began to happen, I knew we were doing it wrong.
AC: What about the women? Do you romance them? Do you want them to fall in love with you?
JD: No. My wife wouldn't appreciate that. But I learned that you have to LIKE the person. Feel comfortable with them. Be in a relaxed non-threatening atmosphere.
AC: Did everyone go along with your ideas?
JD: Not at first. But I didn't care. If I was going to do this, it wasn't going to be hell for the woman, and it wasn't going to be painfull for me either.
AC: You wanted to create a kinder, gentler pay for sex scheme? Why did everyone go for it?
JD: Because my way works. Nature likes flow. Nature likes happiness. If a chicken is stressed, it will not lay an egg. Happy cows give more milk. This is such simple stuff. And it is so important. The women I work with have no chance of having a baby. None. Even those that have had pregnancy were unable to carry for more than a few weeks. They are scared. They are frustrated. They are extremely worn out by doctors, and then forcing them to have sex with a stranger in a medical office?? Their way was stupid, and I was an idiot for going along with it as long as I did.
AC: So what is your success rate?
JD: It depends. Generally we are in the 95-98% range.
AC: That is impressive. Is that why you charge so much??
AC: So, how much do you charge?
JD: Between $100,000.00 to $200,000.00 dollars.
AC: Wow. And you still have a waiting list?
JD: We kept raising the price to discourage demand, but then a crazy thing happened.
AC: What happened?
JD: Well, right from the start, we had been very carefully documenting our results. One day, there is a knock at my door. It was a Doctor in charge of authorizing medical procedures from Blue-cross/blue shield.
AC: What? Are you a medical procedure now? Your penis is a medical device??
JD: A medical device? How do you come up with this crap??? Ok. Back to the questions. Apparently, I have been approved under 'alternative therapies". Even though Fertility is not generally covered, the side effects of treatments get very expensive for the insurance companies. Especially if a baby is born early. Our Stats are so good, that they crunched the numbers and figure they are saving a fortune by paying my fees.
AC: What did that mean for you?
JD: It means that we have people lined up until I am 130 years old.
AC: You better pick up the pace a little.
JD: Great. Thanks a lot. This is hard work.
AC: I feel so sorry for you. I bet all the guys out there feel sorry for you too. Shut up with the complaining about how hard it is.
JD: It is hard. I feel an obligation to help as many people as I can. But I also have to balance a relationship with my wife and family.
AC: So how does a women get the privilege of having sex with you?
JD: Laughing.. First. They go see their doctor and fill out a form.
AC: Are you kidding me? No "here's my number"? What kind of lame line is that?
JD: That's how it works. They fill out the form. Then they go on the list.
AC: What happens on the list? Do you ask for photos of them in bikinis?? Are you picky?
JD: You ask a pretty serious question. I am picky enough that I realize, I won't be able to do my job if a women is extremely unattractive to me.
AC: You don't like them too skinny, too fat??
JD: Well, I like them in a pretty good range. A girl with small boobs will usually have a great rear end. If you look, you can usually find something interesting.
AC: What do you do if the woman is ugly? So ugly it hurts your eyes to look at her.
Jd: You're killing me. But, that's actually happened.
AC: What did you do? Say "lady, you are too ugly to have babies".
JD: No. I wouldn't say that to somebody. They have to go through all the medical tests, and counselors first. I let them take people off the list.
AC: Counselors? How big is your staff, and why do you even have a staff. I think your business card should say, "have penis, will travel".
JD: That is a great idea for a business card. Every young guy in America would buy that card. At first, the Doctors ran the show, and we used their staff for a lot of this stuff. I have a strong organizational background and realized quickly that there was going to be a lot of small issues that were quickly going to be become big issues if we didn't plan and get organized.
AC: Why would this get complicated?
JD: Ok. Lots of people have sex as a recreational activity. This is very different. Here, the objective is to have a baby. And it happens. A LOT.
AC: That is different.. Go on.
JD: After the first few weeks of stupidity, I sat down with my wife and talked about what we were doing, and what the results would be.
AC: OK. The plan is that women give you an envelope FULL of money, you have sex with them, they go and have a baby. That's it.
JD: It is way more complicated than that. We came up with a group of four key values or mission statements.
AC: Like a corporation??
JD: Well, a little bit. A lot of organizations like to create a vision, or define what they are about..
AC: So, what was your mission statement: Give us your cash, and we plant the seed??
JD: Nice. You're brutal.
AC: Sorry, back to the serious interview.. What is your mission statement Mr. Doe?
JD: Why thank you Mr. Carolla.. There were four things that we decided were important to what we were doing. First on the list was me. Second was the Woman, third the baby, and finally the research.
AC: Why is the baby third?
JD: No order of importance, everything is interconnected. Let me start at the beginning. Me. So far, there is nobody else that can do this, so I am somewhat of a limited resource.
AC: And the rooster has to be kept happy?
JD: Yes, the rooster has to be happy, and the chicken the rooster has at home. This is a LOT for any relationship, and from the beginning, my wife's needs had to be considered. So, she has veto power over any appointment. She can change the schedule at will. Schedule days off, vacations. Whatever. This is not only to keep some sort of control over our personal life, but part of her job is to take care of me. If I'm sick, or something, she will make sure I take the day off.
AC: Ok. wouldn't this be a better job for a single guy?
JD: I don't know. At first I thought so. Meeting new women all the time. Having all the sex you can muster the strength for?? On paper it looks like a single guy's dream job. In reality it would be much harder for someone single. First of all, you end up having sex with women that aren't interesting. As a married guy, I can say to myself, that I am helping a person, and doing something important. Besides, I can go home to my wife and get all the love I need. As a single guy, you'd resent it, as you imagine yourself with someone really hot. Then sometimes, the woman is spectacular. Funny, smart, attractive. Imagine being a single guy. Meeting at least 3 or 4 incredible women each week, being intimate with them, and yet not having any possibility of a relationship with them. It would be terrible.
AC: Are there rules?
JD: Well, we made up the rules ahead of time. It's easier to think up rules when you are thinking clearly. Rules aside, can you imagine meeting a woman, and trying to explain what happens at work?? That is why a relationship with a client would be impossible.
AC: People in the sex industry do this all the time.
JD: I'm not sure if they do it this way. Besides, until the research comes up with a why, there is no retirement date for me.
AC: Ok. Let's go back to the mission statement. We talked about you. What else is there?
JD: Let's talk about the women. At first, we were just going through the Doctor's client list. And that was good for their practice, but not good for me. I was uncomfortable with some of the women.
AC: What do you mean?
JD: Keep in mind that I would have to have sex with these women, and they would have a baby. First, were they free of disease? Were they mentally stable? Would they be a good parent?? Were they in a stable relationship? Did they have the resources to care and educate a child? Were they compliant and cooperative with the program. It was a very long term commitment. Not only to the baby, but to the research behind the program. Did they have a catastrophic genetic illness? Like Huntington's??
AC: Were they stalkers?
JD: That was also a concern. One lady got past the whole process, and got really crazy with me. Her plan was to kidnap me and take me back home to her sister. She got physical. It really caught me off guard. Scared the crap out of everybody. She had stolen some-one's identity, and was able to get through the background check. Hasn't happened since.
AC: A girl kicked your ass??
JD: Almost. Crazy people are very strong. I was lucky that she didn't hit me a little harder on the first shot. I was able to regroup and subdue her. But there was a lot of blame thrown around.
AC: Was your wife pissed?
JD: Pissed is not the word. Wow. We had to restrain her! At first she was very angry with the crazy lady. Then when she realized that the staff had missed it, she was very angry with them. It took a while to get back on schedule again. I'm pretty good with people, but this crazy lady had me fooled.
AC: So, have you hired Secret Service to protect you?
JD: Pretty much.
AC: I was kidding.
JD: I'm not. We have a couple of guys that retired, and we pay well.
AC: So, I should be nice to you??
JD: Certainly nicer than you have been.
AC: Ok. Let's talk about the baby. Or should I say babies... How many so far?
JD: This is a guess, as there are always some on the way. Hmmm.. I think about 8,500.
AC: That is a big number.
JD: Please remember that I have been doing this for over 12 years.
AC: OK, that is about 700 per year?? 2 per day. Not bad.
JD: Those numbers don't really tell the story. I'm not that young anymore, and remember that I have a wife at home that needs affection as well. When I started the days were busier than they are now.
AC: Are you meeting your goals when it comes to babies?
JD: That is the thing. As parents, we realized right away that these were babies. Babies become children, children grow into people. I had to think 20 years in advance about how this would affect them, and what the effects on everyone else would be. Look, there are 4 million babies born in the USA every year. Statistically, my 500 doesn't seem like a lot. but it is. It adds up. We wanted to do everything we could in our vetting process to give the kids the best possible chance at a good normal life. I realize that there is no such thing. And my life is certainly not normal. But we were so careful about drug use, family history of child abuse, anything and everything we could think of. One of the requirements is that the Moms keep in touch with us, and to some extent, each other. We encourage informal networking. As the children are reaching puberty, we have to consider what to tell them. There is the possibility of a half-brother and half sister, unknowingly getting involved.
JD: Yup. I agree.
AC: How successful have you been with the vetting process? Have you been able to keep the kids safe?
JD: This is tough. We've done pretty good. But the numbers always get you. Kids fall. Car accidents. Fires. Illness. We had one case. A little boy, and his mom. Shortly after the birth. The husband lost it. Shot the wife. The baby. His parents. Her parents. Then himself. That one broke my heart. Everything stopped. It took us a while to regroup after that. You just don't know. You can't see what is inside someone. We all blame ourselves for not seeing it. No matter how it happens, these are still my children, and even though they don't know I exist, I KNOW they exist, and I care. I want them to be safe, to succeed. Be happy.
AC: What are you doing differently now?
JD: Well, at first we had a fixed staff. And that worked for a while. But, each year there are MORE people to track, record and interact with. We use technology, and old-school personal visits and phone calls.. That is where the research comes in. We are cooperating with 73 different studies. And they are helping pay for all the folks doing the work.
AC: What kind of research? How to make babies??
JD: Well, we started with that. And, oddly enough, once the medical journals got wind of what we were up to, there was a list of studies they wanted to do. Genetic characteristics. Physical stuff. IQ testing. Developmental, everything. This provided researchers with a very large and track-able sample group to watch. I give credit to the doctors that started this. They were so good. They were doing every physical, emotional, mental test they could think of. Right from the beginning, we had a great pool of data to work with.