Interview with a Studby2bonehead©
AC: How are the kids doing?
JD: Overall, pretty good. A little above average.
AC: I am thinking that this may be a little of eugenics??
JD: Adam. Wow. That is an impressive reference. You, my friend, are not an empty suit.
AC: Thank you. My research dept. put this on my list of questions to ask. What does it mean?
JD: Ok. Eugenics is the idea that by selectively breeding people, you could speed up evolution and guide the human species to greater heights. It was really popular before WWII. I would like to think this not what we are doing here. But I think it could be seen that way. That was scary stuff. They would sterilize people that tested below a certain IQ.
AC: George W. Bush wouldn't be able to have kids then.
JD: Laughing. Probably not, but they would probably have hired me..
AC: Do you take the credit for the kids doing well?
JD: That is one of the things they are researching. Is it my brilliant genetic contribution? Or is it the reality that these parents are highly motivated to have kids, and tend to try a little harder than the average person would?
AC: Speaking of celebrities?? Have you been responsible for any new tabloid babies?? Has Angelina Jolie paid you a visit? Did you give her a discount??
JD: Adam, you keep throwing the Money for sex thing on the table? Do you really have a problem with this?
AC: I do. I am upset that all these years, I've been doing it wrong. I have been the one paying for sex. Suddenly you've changed the paradigm for all men. You have given up hope. Next time I call the service, I am going to tell them, "NO, you can pay ME!" Celebrities??
JD: I was hoping this wouldn't come up. Yes, I have been approached by some famous people looking for help.
AC: What happened?
JD: Usually it is a matter of their impatience, and wanting to bypass the regular medical options first. We don't let them do that. They have to go through the same vetting process as anybody else.
AC: You wouldn't give Jessica Alba a free pass???
JD: Tempting. I have a huge fear of celebrities, and I give them a much harder time. People in Show biz are all crazy, and have no basis in reality.
AC: Why thank you. Is this your turn to insult me?
JD: I suppose it is. I have had famous people storm into our offices with a dozen assistants, lawyers, and whatever. Demanding to talk to me directly.
AC: What happened?
JD: Security threw them all out. First, I am NEVER at the offices. That is not where I work. And they threaten taking me to court to compel me to impregnate their client. Morons.
AC: I can't take it. You keep calling it work. Anyhow, you side-stepped the question. Have you had high profile clients?
JD: Very few. I'm not saying that a person in a certain industry can't be a good parent. I am saying that my first responsibility is to ensure some sort of normal life for the baby. I was approached by all the networks to do a reality show. No thanks. The clients I have had were wonderful people and it was a pleasure to work with them.
AC: You are not going to give us any names, so let's move on. Tell me how it happens...
JD: Well. First a boy meets a girl. They smile at each other..
AC: Stop! Ok. Describe how it goes down. What is the secret to getting them to pay the big bucks.
JD: As I said before it started in the Doctors office. And that was terrible. And uncomfortable.
AC: Does this happen in your basement?? Back of a specially designed van??
JD: Van? That's great. I hadn't thought of that. Maybe I will get a huge RV, and take it on the road.
AC: Take me through what happens.
JD: Start to finish? After the woman has been properly vetted and checked out, I will do a meet and greet. This is a very informal thing. Usually at a conference room, or hotel lobby or something like that. Just me and her. No pressure. No expectation. Just a chance to chat and check each other out, and get a feel of how comfortable we are with it.
AC: If she thinks you are ugly, she can call it off??
JD: She can call it off at any time. We have enough clients.
AC: Does this happen a lot? Will she get a refund?
JD: It does happen. Sometimes it happens in the middle of the act. It's ok. The women get freaked out far less often with the counseling done to prepare them, and meeting me and seeing me as an actual person helps a lot. Yes, they get a refund. And they get a refund if they don't carry to term. We have enough clients, and I couldn't take someones' money in addition to the heartbreak of losing a child.
AC: That is nice of you. So, the meet and greet goes well, then what? Where does this happen?
JD: We have arrangements with a variety of nice Hotels chains and resorts. We will use a specific resort for a couple of weeks then move on. I like warm weather, so usually in the tropics. After the meet and greet, it gets put on the schedule. I like to do it within a few weeks of the meet and greet.
AC: Is it like the dentist??? Be at room 5 at 8:30. Brush your teeth first??
JD: Not quite as structured. It used to be on more of a schedule when I was younger. I was able to handle more appointments per day than I do now. We put the women up in the hotel, and explain that it is done on a call basis. They can get a call anytime during that week, and to keep a few hours open in the day.
AC: A few hours? You trying to impress everybody? How long does it really take?
JD: It depends. Sometimes it takes a while to loosen up and get comfortable. It really depends on the woman. And sometimes it is over so fast, I barely know what happened. Don't let anybody tell you that they are the weaker sex. Women are forces of nature. The ones in our program have a very clear goal in mind, and they will do whatever it takes. To help things along, we have them fill out a detailed questionnaire of what they like, don't like etc. It really helps.
AC: So, your staff provides you with a pre-battle briefing?
JD: That's exactly what it is.
AC: You are at a nice hotel? Do you get them drunk??
JD: I don't want them drunk, but if they want a few drinks to relax, that's cool.
AC: They should serve drinks at all medical procedures..
AC: OK, you are at a nice resort. You've called up a lady on the list. She comes to your room. Gets frisked by the Secret Service. You feed her some snacks, and enough booze to get her in the mood. Do you have a patented "move" that you use?? I'm looking for tips here..
JD: Well, the briefing helps a lot so that I know what to expect. I make it pretty clear that they are in charge and it goes at whatever pace they are comfortable with.
AC: Do they surprise you?
JD: Wow. They really do. Each time, you never know what to expect. We really try to make sure they have a great attitude about it, and if they are all at reluctant, we will take them out of the program. I can say that 99% of the women know why they are there and work to make the experience positive. It really is the quiet, innocent looking ones you have to watch out for.
AC: OK. Here we go. Best and worst experiences?
JD: The worst is when in the middle of it, they realize what is going on, and start to cry. They feel terrible, I feel terrible. It kills the whole thing. This happens less and less as we are better able to spot this in the vetting process. Is it fair that these women won't have kids? I don't know. I'm not here to play God. But, I don't want to force myself on someone that doesn't want to be there. So, that is the worst. As far as the best goes.. That's easy. My wife. Hah. How's that for an answer?? OK, the best experiences are the ones where it is just fun. If somebody farts, or something funny happens. It lets all the tension out of the room, and it becomes two people making a connection.
AC: That's the best advice you got? Farting? I do that all the time, and the women never laugh.
JD: Maybe you are not paying them enough??
AC: Do you ever see them again?
JD: Very rarely. The staff keeps in touch with everyone. I will sometimes bump into somebody, and they are usually polite, but uncomfortable. There is no way I could remember them.
AC: Have you considered getting a girlfriend??
JD: No way! Are you kidding me??
AC: How about an apprentice?
JD: Sure. Sign up. Just make sure you are in good shape.