Is Your Partner Having Fun?

How to tell when the person you're having sex with isn't having a good time

Have you ever looked at all the how-to tomes at the local bookstore? You can learn how to do everything from building a house using only two nails and a piece of cardboard to becoming the president of the United States (this one, however, takes a lot of steps as well as a fair amount of cash). There are how-to books about cooking, sewing, car maintenance, weight loss, income tax preparation, and millions more. But there's never been a great guide when it comes to understanding if you're doing great in bed—until now.

We've all slept with enough people to know not everyone is as good at sex as we are (or at least we think we are). Wouldn't it be nice to know when you're doing something your partner doesn't like, or whether the person is enjoying the bedroom activities as much as you? That's why I've written this handy little guide on how to tell when your partner isn't having a good time. If any of these have happened to you, or you have some of your own, please share with us all so we can be sure to either fix it or get up and go home.

How to tell when the person you're having sex with isn't having a good time:

1. If you're watching the Tonight Show when doing it and she's laughing, but it's during a commercial for toothpaste.

2. When you're eating her pussy and she accidentally farts, instead of apologizing, she says "wow, that Sierra Mist really makes me gassy!"

3. When you're giving him head and he suggests that it's time to dye your roots.

4. When you ask him if he's wants a striptease, and he says "hell yeah" then grabs his keys and heads for the titty bar.

5. When you ask "was it good for you?" and she compares it to her recent root canal.

6. When you're banging her doggy style and she's filing her nails.

7. If you buy her an expensive piece of lingerie, and come home to find her waxing the dresser with it.

8. When you're trying to get her hot by watching a porn movie, she asks you if she should get her hair cut like Jenna Jamison.

9. You say "talk dirty to me," and he tells you about his fungus-infected toenail.

10. When you say you want a little cream pie, and she gives you a Twinkie.

11. When you ask her if she wants some action, she grabs her vibrator and locks herself in the bathroom.

12. When you bring home whipped cream and bananas, and all she thinks about is an ice cream sundae.

13. When you tell her you'd like to grab her rack, and she sends you to the kitchen.

14. When he says I want it hot and fast, but he's talking about McDonald's.

15. You ask her to put on some mood music, and it's William Shatner singing "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds."

16. When she's had a headache for three years straight.

17. When you ask her to wear sexy shoes and nothing else, and she puts on Elmo slippers.

18. When you're giving him a blowjob, and he's talking to his mom on the phone.

19. When you think you look like Jessica Simpson, but he says it's more like Marge Simpson.

20. When you're putting on your best moves, and she asks if you're hot-looking friend Dave is single.

21. When there are two guys and one girl, and it's taken 25 minutes for the men to figure out how to get that damn bra off.

22. When she tells you you're the only one, but has a Rolodex by the bed.

23. When you're been riding her hard for 10 minutes, and she says, "put it in me now, big boy!"

24. When she puts on her magnifying glasses to give you a blow job.

25. She paints eyeballs on her eyelids so she can sleep, while you think she's wide awake and excited.

26. If she puts a three-minute egg timer by the bed and you finish before it dings.

27. If the phrase "leave the dog alone" means anything to you.

28. When you tell him you're feeling hot, and he turns up the air conditioner.

29. When she comes to bed in a flannel nightgown with white briefs underneath.

30. If he says he'll call you, but instead joins the Navy.