tagHumor & SatireKlaatu Barata Nikto Ch. 02

Klaatu Barata Nikto Ch. 02


"Klaatu? What do you think you're doing in my bed, young man?"

"I-I'm sorry, Mom," he cried. "I don't know how this could have happened." The best day of his life was quickly followed by the worst day of his life as far as Klaatu was concerned. I've become a sex-crazed maniac with this power I've been given the distraught young man thought. It must have unbalanced my mind. I entered my mother's bedroom while she slept and raped her. The young man jumped out of her bed. He was filled with self-loathing, disgust and...wait a minute. "Uh, Mom? I think it's you who's in the wrong bed. This is my room."

"Oopsy," Betsy replied after looking around to confirm her son's observation. "I wonder how that happened. I must have taken a wrong turn out of the bathroom during the night." The older woman giggled self consciously. She climbed out of her son's bed and straightened her negligee. "I'll go get dressed and fix breakfast. Would you like that?" Klaatu nodded dumbly and then watched in horror as his mother left the room. He could see rivulets of his cum coursing down her shapely thighs. The young man grabbed his communication helmet and shoved it on his head.

"Dad? Dad, are you there?" He felt a slight dizziness and was once again facing his father on the alien star-lit world.

"I'm here, Klaatu. What is it? Is something wrong?"

"Everything's wrong," Klaatu cried. "I was dreaming I was having sex with a beautiful woman but it turned out I wasn't dreaming. I woke up and Mom was in my bed. She thought it was her bed but now she knows it was my bed but she doesn't remember getting into bed with me. Anyway, we had sex but I didn't know it was Mom. I swear that's the truth. What if she's pregnant? What do I do?"

"Don't do anything."

"What? What do you mean don't do anything?"

"Calm down a bit and let me explain, okay?"

"I'm listening."

"I already told you that changes were occurring in your mind and body. One of the changes has given you the ability to make others do your bidding."

"I know that. I...uh, already had an experience like that with the girl next door."

"Did you get laid?"

"Yeah, I did but, what about Mom? I didn't order her to do anything. I'd never do that to her."

"The experience with the neighbor girl was, without a doubt, very positive to your subconscious mind. Your subconscious wanted a repeat performance and used your new powers to telepathically call the nearest available female to your bed. That happened to be your mother. Even if your mother was awake at the time, she couldn't have done anything but obey."

"Now I feel like a bigger freak than I did yesterday. It's not safe for my own mother to be around me."

"Your mind is just trying to adjust to its new powers. That adjustment period shouldn't last for more than a couple of days at most. You'll then be in complete control. I didn't anticipate this beforehand but, since you're not fully Martian, perhaps I should have. I apologize for that. Don't worry about your mother. She's in no danger."

"But what if she's pregnant?"

"She's not pregnant. I gave her a special birth control pill to take before I left. The antidote doesn't exist on Earth. I didn't want anyone else to take advantage of Betsy. Frankly, I thought I'd be back on Earth long before now but it wasn't possible." Klaatu breathed a sigh of relief. His mother wasn't pregnant.

"Maybe I should go away for a couple of days until I'm in control. That way, Mom won't wind up in my bed again."

"Home is probably the safest place you could be for now. Your traumatic experience has already taught your subconscious that your mother is taboo. You won't have a repeat performance like that with your mother."

"I hope you're right, Dad," said Klaatu. "Is there something else I can ask you about?"

"You can ask me about anything you want, son," said the Martian. Klaatu felt his face turn warm and he knew he was blushing but from pleasure, not embarrassment. The young man didn't care whether or not he was turning green. He was so happy to be having an actual father-son conversation.

"You said you wanted to come back to Earth. I know Mom misses you like crazy and it sounds like you miss her. What's stopping you?" Klaatu's father looked thoughtful for a moment.

"Did you ever read the book "War of the Worlds" by H.G. Wells?"

"No, but I've seen the film," Klaatu replied, "lots of times. I really love the scene where the top of the L.A. city hall gets zapped."

"How were the invaders defeated?"

"The Earth's germs did them in. They got sick and started dying off. That's the part of the movie where Mom starts crying. She feels sorry for them."

"That sounds like something your mother would do," said the Martian with a chuckle. He became serious then. "Well, the same thing happened to virtually all my team members and it almost happened to me."

"You mean you almost died from an Earth germ?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying."

"Are you all right now?"

"I seem to be although my physicians think I might not survive if I return to Earth."

"At least you're safe at home," said Klaatu.

"I'm not home. I can't return home without the risk of infecting my own people, son," the man replied, "so I'm quarantined on this tiny moon in the middle of nowhere. It's really lonely here. Without being able to talk with your mother...and now see and talk with you, I don't know what I'd do."

"That's terrible, Dad. Isn't there anything your scientists can do?"

"They're trying, Klaatu, but I just might take my chances and return to Earth even if it's to hold your mother in my arms one more time. I'd like to give you a great big hug too." Klaatu could feel tears start from his eyes. The young man had been feeling so sorry for his self all these years and now he realized his father had it much worse than him.

"I know Mom misses you terribly, Dad, and she'd like nothing better than to be with you again. But I don't think she'd want you to endanger yourself. I don't want you to do that either."

"It's a moot point. My superiors confiscated my craft. The only live visitors I get here are physicians and scientists. They're always in protective gear when they're examining me. So unless I commandeer one of their craft, I'm pretty much stuck here until they say it's safe to leave...or until I die."

"Isn't there anything I can do?"

"You're doing all you can do now, Klaatu; just talking with me."

"There has to be a way."

"Let's not talk about it right now," said the Martian. "It gets me feeling down. Tell me about your new girlfriend."

Klaatu shrugged his shoulders. "She's more of a friend rather than a girlfriend. There's not much else to tell. Wanda's family has lived next door since I was in preschool. I've had a crush on her since the very first day I met her."

"Just be sure to continue using a condom with her."

"I didn't use a condom."

"Uh oh."

"Oh don't worry about that, Dad," said Klaatu. "Wanda is on the pill."

"Martian sperm isn't affected by Earth-based pharmaceuticals, Klaatu. Your sperm is mostly Martian. It's also viable for up to a month inside the female reproductive system. I gave that special pill to your mother, not your friend."

"What are you trying to tell me?"

"Your friend is or will be pregnant. She's going to have your baby."

"What? Why didn't you warn me?"

"I didn't think I had to warn you about the dangers of unprotected sex: unplanned pregnancy is just one of them. You did have sex education in school, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I did," said Klaatu, "but--"

"Yes?" his father replied.

"I guess I messed up," Klaatu finally said. Jeez! Wanda is going to hate me for getting her pregnant, the young man thought. Not using a condom was totally inconsiderate even if he had asked if she was on the pill. Now he had another reason for feeling bad.

Klaatu's conversation with his father ended soon after that revelation. He felt totally distracted thinking about what he had done to Wanda. The young man supposed he should talk to Wanda but what could he say? 'Uh, listen Wanda. You won't remember this but we fucked yesterday and well, you thought you were protected but you're not, understand? I know it might mess up your travel plans but you need to know that you're now pregnant.'

Klaatu could just imagine how that conversation would end up. He'd be arrested as a lunatic and then when Wanda discovered she was really pregnant, she'd have her ex-friend charged as a rapist. Wait a minute. I can control her mind. Wanda will have to accept it if I tell her to. 'Uh, listen Wanda. You never realized this before but you're hopelessly in love with me. In fact, you're so in love with me you've decided to have my baby. I know it'll come as a great surprise to you but you're already pregnant. That's great news to you, isn't it?'

Well, at least I wouldn't wind up in jail Klaatu thought, but he didn't feel a whole lot better about that conversation either. Of course the young man would be thrilled to death for Wanda to be truly in love with him but he would just be forcing her to believe she was in love with him. That's not how true love was supposed to happen. Klaatu wished he was a little more ruthless. He just didn't have the killer instinct.

Finally screwing up his courage, Klaatu trudged over to Wanda's front door and knocked. He felt like he had just arrived at the place of his own execution. An older woman answered the door. "Hi, Klaatu," she said.

"Hi, Mrs. Morgenstern," Klaatu replied. "May I speak to Wanda?"

"Wanda took off for Europe on an early morning flight, Klaatu. She won't be back for a year."

"But...she said she wouldn't be leaving for a week. I need to talk to her." Klaatu could hear the panic creeping into his voice.

"Something came up and she had the opportunity to leave early so she decided to take it. I'm sorry you missed her, Klaatu. Do you have her email address? That's how we'll be communicating mostly."

"Yeah I have it," Klaatu replied. "Thanks, Mrs. Morgenstern." The young man was thinking Wanda might be bringing back a bit more than souvenirs for her parents from overseas. Maybe it was time to move away.

"Your breakfast is getting cold, Klaatu," his mom said.

"It's cold cereal anyway, Mom. I haven't even poured the milk yet."

"That's right. I forgot." Betsy Smith giggled nervously. "You seem awfully upset this morning, Klaatu. Well, I can't blame you. It's not every day you wake up to find your very own mother in bed and having her way with you. Believe me; I sure would be upset too if I woke up to discover my mother having her way with me and she didn't even ask me first. But your father was just talking to me and he told me I didn't really rape you and even if I did I couldn't help it but the good news is that you won't get pregnant."

"Guys don't get pregnant, Mom."

"Oh, then I guess he meant that I'm the one who won't get pregnant. Your father can get easily confused with English not being his first language. He was from Mars, you know, and I'm not even sure they teach English in Martian schools."

"I'm not upset about what happened this morning, Mom," said Klaatu. "I had a talk with Dad also and he reassured me. I'm upset about something else."

"Is it anything you can share with your mother?" Klaatu shrugged his shoulders. He didn't think it would do any harm to confide in his mother. Besides, she might have some valuable insight.

"I had sex with Wanda yesterday. She's on birth control but Dad told me that I gave her a baby anyway."

"That's wonderful!"

"It is?"

"Well, of course! Wanda will be having a Martian baby. That doesn't happen every day, does it? I suppose on Mars it's no big deal but this is Earth, remember? Wanda and her parents must be very excited. I'm going right over there and give Wanda a great big hug. We have so much planning to do. I'm going to be a grandmother."

"Please don't do that, Mom."

"But why not?"

"Uh...Wanda left for Europe this morning before I had a chance to talk to her. Being pregnant will probably come as a great surprise to her."

"I was kind of surprised when I discovered I was pregnant with you, Klaatu. But a woman has to expect that possibility when she has sex with a man or a Martian even. I adjusted and so will Wanda."

"But...Wanda won't remember having sex with me. I hypnotized her with this power that I got from the hat. I raped her! She'll probably have me thrown in jail and that's the least of what I deserve. What am I going to do?" Klaatu felt totally miserable.

"With great power comes great power, Klaatu," said Betsy. "It also rusts very easily." Klaatu nodded like he understood his mother's words. He'd figure it out later.

"But what should I do?"

"That's so obvious, Klaatu," his mother replied. "You just hypnotize Wanda into accepting your baby and then hypnotize a dozen or more of her girlfriends. I want lots and lots of grandchildren."

"What?" Klaatu had already thought of that possibility but he was surprised his mother could think so deviously.

"Just kidding, Klaatu. Not! I honestly don't know what you should do, honey. I just know I don't want my son sent to prison. Why don't you marry Wanda?"

"Even if she wanted to marry me, how could I support Wanda and a baby? I doubt if I can support myself with the job skills I have much less supporting a wife and child."

"That shouldn't be a problem," Betsy replied. "Your father set aside some money in case I needed it to help raise you but I never had to bother. So now it can be used to help raise my grandchild."

"I suppose I should look for a job first," said Klaatu. The young man didn't feel right about using his mother's money to get himself out of the jam he was in.

"That's a good idea," said Betsy. "I have to get ready for work." She got up and gave her son a kiss on the cheek. "I'll pick up a job application for you at the store."

"Thanks," said Klaatu. "I appreciate it, Mom." Maybe they had openings for a stock boy. That would pay minimum wage at least and they could save gas money by riding to work together. The young man began to feel even more depressed than before.

"Do you want me to heat up your breakfast in the microwave oven, honey?"

"I can do it, Mom. Thanks for offering."

"White and Wong," said Betsy.

"Right and Wrong?"

"The Law Offices of White and Wong," his mother replied. "Their motto is: 'White or Wong, we always get our fee.' Get it? I thought it was so cute when I saw it I couldn't pass them up."

"I would have tried," said Klaatu. "What about White and Wong?"

"They're the ones taking care of the money."

Klaatu spent the rest of the day looking at job openings posted on the internet. It was quickly obvious to him that he wasn't qualified for anything except for the most basic of entry level positions. He'd start applying on Monday but in the meantime it wouldn't hurt to check out White and Wong. Even if there was a couple of thousand dollars available it would be helpful at this point. He went to the phone directory and found such a law firm with that name did indeed exist.

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