tagCelebrities & Fan FictionLoose Meat In Lanford 0.5

Loose Meat In Lanford 0.5


Loose Meat In Lanford# 0.5: Defroster

Synopsis: In LMIL # 0, Dan Conner was caught jacking off to a Compton Cheerleaders Cum Catchers porno tape one night by Roseanne. A fight followed. It was revealed that there had been no regular coitus between man and wife for 2 years, by order of Roseanne. She also prohibited her husband from masturbating though she allowed herself the pleasure.

Being a good-natured guy is one thing but the elimination of release options and the destruction of his property (the porno tape) was the last straw. The end of LMIL # 0 found Roseanne and her sister, Jackie, eating a surprise catered gourmet breakfast. An envelope, thought to be a love letter in the midst of the flowers, turned out to be a shocker.


The theme music recedes. ROSEANNE looks stunned. She had just announced that DAN, her high school sweetheart, husband of 20+ years and father of her 3 children, had left her. She is silent and slumped.

JACKIE is equally stunned. She shakes off her shock however and the ex cop in her comes to the fore. She bends in her chair and picks up the envelope.

-Let's see here…"Rosie, I knew the kids were going to forget, so Happy Mother's Day, Dan. p.s. Gone to Sturgis with Ziggy".

(ROSEANNE is staring into space, still shocked. JACKIE flips the card over and then over once more to the writing, puzzled look on her face)

Did I miss something here? Roseanne? I don't see from this where you get the impression that he's leaving you. If anything, Dan is more in love with you than ever. Remembering Mother's Day and going all out is an incredibly sweet gesture.

(ROSEANNE snaps out of her trance, surly)

-It's all in the postscript, detective!

-No need to be a bitch, Roseanne.

-That's just what I do, Jackie.

-"Gone to Sturgis with Ziggy". Okay, so what's the big deal about Sturgis?

(ROSEANNE throws her hands up)

-The fact that he went when I forbade him not to! The fact that Ziggy is behind this! The fact that -

(JACKIE cuts her off, incredulous)

-Wait a minute, Roseanne. You forbade a grown man whose consuming passion in life is motorcycles, who operates the only bike shop in Lanford, from going to the largest gathering of motorcycles in the continental U.S.?


-Yes, Jackie, I forbid him.

-Why on earth did you do that?

-Because I don't like him hanging around that element.

-Roseanne! You are crazy and I am confused. Do you mean that element in terms of the potential customers for his shop at Sturgis or do you mean Ziggy?

-Jackie, they are interchangeable really. Whenever Dan comes home from a bike convention in Chicago, he always brings stupid ideas with him and whenever he is with Ziggy, he gets stupid. I decided a long time ago that people who dig motorcycles are a virus. They spread stupidity. But since we need two paychecks around here, I tolerated the bike shop but would not stand for the accompanying people.

(JACKIE folds her arms, leans back in her seat and stares at ROSEANNE, smirking)

-What Jackie, what?

-Just wondering what your definition of stupid is?

-The same as the dictionary's. Why?

-I don't think it is. I think "stupid" to Roseanne means something out of your experience.

I am beginning to think that "stupid" means something nasty. I am growing certain that "stupid" means something other than vanilla.

(ROSEANNE screws up her face)

-What the fuck are you getting at, Jackie? Just spit it out already.

-Okay, When's the last time you two had sex?

- None of your business.

-Answer the question, Roseanne

- (Angrily) Last week

(JACKIE jumps out of her chair – crowing and pointing her finger)

- Liar!

- (Sheepishly) Damn Jackie, last month.

- You are still lying, sis. I know you.

(A long pause from ROSEANNE and them at a near whisper)

-Two years, honest to God

(JACKIE gasps)

- Roseanne, I am so sorry. Are you serious?

- (Nods)

- It's not menopause, is it?

- (Shakes her head)

- Is Dan impotent? Gay?

-(Shakes her head vigorously)

-Well then, let me see. Two years ago…that was round the time the drywall business started slowing down.

- (Nods)

- You were working at Robdell's as a waitress and Dan went to Chicago, right?

- (Nods)

- When he returned, did he do something "stupid"?

- (Nods)

- What was it?


Cue the flashback sound effect. The screen ripples and gets hazy.

(Voice over – ROSEANNE)

-Dan and the guys were out drinking because Crystal's baby shower ran late and displaced their poker game.

OPEN – NIGHT - INTERIOR – THE LOBO (neighborhood bar)

ARNIE and DAN are in the cups, arms flung around one another's shoulders, laughing

- Hey, Dan.

- Yeah, Arnie, what's up?

-What is the craziest sex thing you've ever done?

- Get out of here!

- No, I'm serious

- Me too! (pauses, his mood changes)…. umm okay, but you first…

- (Rubbing palms together) Alright, alright! I was in gangbang. It's your turn now.

- (Incredulous) Are you shitting me, Arnie?

-Nope, scout's honor, Dan.

- Put some money on it

-You got yourself a bet. Bruce will settle this when he comes back with the pitcher.

- Time will tell… Still my turn? Let's see, I guess finger in the corn hole.

- With Rosie?

- (Grinning, raises two fingers) Scout's honor, pal

- (Grins back) You Greek bastard! Did she like it?

- Not at first but after I greased her up she got into it – wait a minute there, you little shit. You start this conversation because you are fixing to get a piece of Rosie someday?

- Whoa Dan, don't go beserker on me! I didn't mean anything by it. Just harmless questions to pass the time, I get bored without a steady supply of beer. Speaking of the devil, here comes Bruce now…

BRUCE MITCHELL, husband of ANNE MARIE MITCHELL, is DAN'S only African American friend and the head of the only African American household in Lanford, Illinois. He is a personable fellow and only tolerates ARNIE because one isn't mean to people of lesser intelligence.

B- Here we go fellows, one pitcher of the Lobo's best draft

D- Thanks, Bruce, I got next round

B- No problem, so what did I miss?

D- (smiles) Not much, flights of fancy, rip roaring tales, etc.

A – (Impatiently blurts) Could you tell Dan here that I was in a gangbang?

B- (Shakes his head) No.

D – (Gives ARNIE I-told-you-so look and universal sign for give me the money) Arnie, well that's that. Leave the man alone and drink your beer

A- (Waves DAN'S suggestion off) Why not? You were there. I was there. She was certainly there.

D- (gives a long low whistle and looks at BRUCE)

B- (Controlled anger) First off, this is the wrong time and place to be discussing this.

A-(Exasperated) When is the right time to talk about this? On my deathbed to the chaplain? We are among friends plus I got money riding on this, Bruce.

B- (Sarcastically) Well, since you put it that way…the answer is still no.

A-(Makes motions to rise) That's a damn lie! Take that back!

D- (Holds ARNIE down) Cool down, killer. Calm down, it's only 5 dollars, Arnie.

B-(Amazed) You are willing to humiliate yourself for $5? The answer is still no but here is the explanation. You watched a gangbang but you weren't part of one. So your assertion of being there is correct but your role is false. She arranged it all but made it seem like your idea. There was damn near half of the trailer park residents in your house that day.

You knew what was going to happen but you gave us refreshments and engaged in small talk anyhow. You tried to join in but you were pushed away by her and ordered to stay in the corner. My friends and I took turns with your chicken legged, bony assed, horse lipped wife, Nancy. She has such a nasty mouth on her. So insulting to you. She cursed you almost the entire time. Only stopped when we stuck it in her mouth. We worked the pussy and asshole over something good that night.

Are you satisfied, Arnie? Dan did you get your five dollars worth?

A- (Looking ashamed, he hands DAN a five dollar bill and slinks out of the bar)

D- (Pockets the bill and shakes the disbelief out of his head) Yup, I think that was more than the price of admission. Having shared that, I guess it's only fair to include you in the conversation. The question is what is the craziest sex thing you've ever done?

B- (Composed now) Fair enough, Dan. I guess it would be the defroster gigs

D- And what ever is a defroster gig, Bruce, my man?

B- Oh, it's a secret society where horny guys with frigid wives hire a fellow Lanford resident to seduce the missus and give her dick in a multitude of ways she would never let hubby attempt. This paves the way for better marital relations. As soon as the fellow you hired is finished, you take his place as a defroster.

D- (Contemplative pause) Who have you done?

B- Not allowed to say

D – How many times have you been activated?

B – 7 times.

D-What are the limits?

B- There are none.

D- None?

B- Well, you can't commit felonies.

D -How do I join?

B – I think you just did.

DAN and BRUCE high five


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