tagHumor & SatireLST3K Ep. 09: Ho Ho Hos!

LST3K Ep. 09: Ho Ho Hos!


Fetch your reindeer-adorned Cosby sweaters and pull up a seat, because it's time for a special Christmas episode of Literotica Sexual Theater 3000!

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow... *snicker* The season lends itself perfectly to erotica. Unfortunately, it also lends itself to really bad erotica.

I've obviously been a very bad boy this year for Santa to have dropped this lump of coal in my stocking. The premise of this tale is shakier than that jolly old elf's tummy, and the plot is older than that glass bowl of rock candy + icepick that your grandmother had sitting next to the couch.

Yeah, I see you out there. Everybody's grandma had one.

Be warned: By the time you finish this ribald tale of improbable circumstances, you'll never look at a mall Santa the same way again. Hold on to your fruitcakes — we've got story sign!

Turn down your Christmas lights.

(Where Applicable)


I don't know what they expected me to do when I walked by one of those donation things and their was a new gameboy sitting right on top. Of course I tried to stick it in my pocket.

Dark: Well, I'm already endeared to our protagonist. How about you?

The judge gave me a choice of doing community service instead of going to jail so I said yes. I couldn't believe he made me be a mall Santa.

Dark: Neither can I.

I knew I was in trouble as soon as I put on the suit and sat down in the chair. I couldn't believe how many MILFs were their

Dark: THERE! It's THERE! Please tell me this guy asked for a spell-checker for Christmas.

with bratty kids. The elf girl that was on community service with me was hot as hell too. After thirty minuets

Dark: Santa's dancing?

I had to take a break because I had the North Pole in my pants.

Dark: *groan* Robert Peary must be spinning in his grave right now.

The MILF with huge sugarplums sticking out of her low cut top took her rugrat and looked right at my boner. Since nobody was in line then I got up.

The elf girl said "What are you doing?" I told her that I needed to take a break and she looked right at the red velvet tent above my crotch. She whispered "Nice package Santa."

Dark: Can you say: Ho, ho, ho?

My face turned as red as my suit and she laughed at me. I went into the fake gingerbread Santa house where me and the elf girl changed our clothes to try to talk my stiffy down so that nobody would think I was a molester. It didn't work because I couldn't stop thinking about the MILFs and the elf girl. I decided to rub one out because that would be the fastest way to make it go down.

Dark: *Shudders* Oh man, it doesn't get much creepier than this. 'Tis the Nightmare before Christmas.

I guess I didn't hear the door open because I was too busy pretending it was the mom with the big knockers slobbing my knob. I damn near jumped out of my boots when the elf girl walked in front of me.

She said she'd been a very bad girl this year but that she wanted some candy anyway. Then she grabbed my dong and started jerking it.

Dark: Does she think he's a chainsaw that doesn't want to start? Sounds painful to me.

I told her that I had a nice big candy cane for her to suck on and she giggled. The next thing I knew she was on her knees sawing my yule log.

Dark: I guess she did think he was a chainsaw...

Man she knew how to suck a dick. She was wearing jingle bell earrings so she tinkled every time she bobbed my knob.

Dark: She's tinkling? Did we move into the fetish category all of the sudden?

It only took a minuet

Dark: Here we go with the dancing again.

of her hot mouth sucking me before I knew Santa Claus was cumming to town. I grabbed her hair with one hand and felt up her boobs with the other while she sucked me like a vachum cleaner. My nuts got tight and I told her that I had some eggnog for her.

Dark: Good thing there's nobody around in a mall during Christmas season to hear all of this through the thin plywood walls of the fake Santa house.

I jizzed down her throat then and she swallowed every gooey drop. She licked her lips and moaned as she got up and pulled up my pants. I tried to unbutton her dress so I could see her tits but she shook her head no. She said we needed to get back to work before anyone noticed.

She walked back out before I could say anything. I went and sat down in my chair again because there was a line of brats waiting again. I got hard again

Dark: Hey, think you could say again again?

just before break time but the elf girl said she needed to do something on break.

Dark: Would it have been too much trouble to give elf girl a name, here?

I was hoping to go in the Santa house with her again so I was pretty depressed. She left when it was time for break so I went to grab something to eat. I was hard the whole time thinking about her and the MILFs. When I got back I went straight for the Santa house to rub one out before my dick exploded.

Dark: We could only be so lucky — the exploding part, anyway.

The elf girl was in there and she said "I didn't think you were coming back." After she said that she pulled up her dress. She wasn't wearing any panties and she had mistletoe hanging from her belly button ring. She said "Come kiss me under the mistletoe Santa"

Dark: Now there's an original Christmas porn bit. *Rolls eyes*

She didn't have any hair on her pussy at all and it was really hot. She sat down in a chair and I didn't waste any time. The first time I licked her twat I tasted peppermint. She held up one of those really thick candy canes and said that she couldn't wait for me. All the stripes were gone from where she'd fucked her pussy with it.

I took the candy cane from her and shoved it in her cunthole while I licked her peppermint pussy.

Dark: *Slips into Marcie's voice* Been there, done that, Sir.

She unbuttoned her dress and took her tits out while I was licking her. She started squirming and I knew that she was going to cum soon because I was liking her so good.

Dark: I like her so good! Bet she's squirming to get his face in the right place because Mongo here is licking her belly button.

Her legs squeezed me real tight when she cummed all over my face. I could barely breath while I tried to keep licking her sweet pussy. She finally let me go when she quit cumming and took the candy cane. She sucked her pussy juice off of it and moaned and told me that I'd licked her cooter real good.

Dark: As you could imagine, Cooter wasn't real fond of that. I don't know how them Duke boys are gonna get him outta this one.

I stood up and pulled down my Santa pants because I wanted to fuck her. She grabbed my rod when I got it out and pulled me toward her. She stuck my prick between her big boobs and said "Fuck my titties Santa."

I wanted to fuck her twat but her big funbags felt real good too. The head of my 10 inch hot rod stuck out of the top of her double D boobs and poked her in the chin while I fucked them.

Dark: Naturally, the only description we have of anyone is his ten-incher and her huge... Tracts of land. Does that chin poking thing conjure up images of a bobble-head for anyone else?

She told me to cum all over her face and I had no problem with that. I humped her hooters a few more times and went off like a cannon. My jizz sprayed all over her face and tits and she started licking it up. After I stopped squirting, she even sucked it right off her big tits. Once she couldn't get any more with her fingers and tongue she wiped the rest off with her snowman panties that were lying on the floor.

The elf girl put back on all of her clothes except her panties and then said "We'd better get back to work." I couldn't believe how lucky I was getting.

Dark: Nobody else believes it either. This story is several notches below flying reindeer and talking snowmen on the believability scale.

It was fucking hot knowing that she wasn't wearing panties under her elf suit when we went back out. Even the snot-nosed brats weren't quite as annoying when I thought about that. She kept looking at the clock and whispering to me how long it was until we would finish for the day. I knew that meant that we'd be going back into the Santa house for more fun.

We walked into the Santa house at the end of the day and she said "Sit down so I can sit on your lap and tell you what I want for Christmas." As soon as I sat down she turned around and flipped up her skirt so I got a good look at her ass and pussy. I hauled out my throbbing hardon as she sat down and said "I want some hot cream of Santa deep inside me."

Dark: Little did Santa know that she had a gift for him, too. Herpes: the gift that keeps on giving all year long!

I jammed my dick into her hot honey hole

Dark: Bees everywhere! Get 'em off!

and fucked her silly. Man she had the tightest pussy I'd ever fucked. I thought she was going to pull my dick off. I plugged that elf pussy hard but she just kept saying "Fuck me harder Santa."

She started cumming and I felt her pussy juice dripping off my balls.

Dark: Mommy, why does Santa smell like Tuna Helper?

I was almost their

Dark: Their what? Look the word up, numbskull!

so I grabbed her waste

Dark: *Gag* This ain't your Mel Torme scat! Why does everyone have to spell this one wrong?

and fucked her as hard as I could. She squealed because she was still cumming and then told me to give her my baby batter. I growled and gave her a performance of the Nutbuster Sweet.

Dark: Please tell me that she's on the pill, or that he's shooting blanks. The thought of offspring from these two? *Cringes*

I about laid a yule log in my velvet pants when the door opened.

Dark: Way to pump up the eroticism, Santa Clod. You've already used the yule log bit, by the way.

I couldn't believe it was the MILF who had looked at my schlong earlier. Next thing I knew she was pulling off her sweater. She had great tits that weren't fake and I wasn't the only one drooling over them. Elf girl licked her lips and told her that she had great tits.

The hot mom went over and kissed elf girl. It was the hottest thing I'd ever seen and I got hard as Chinese algebra again.

Dark: Dude can't even manage English, and he's worried about Chinese Algebra?

They did something even hotter then. Elf girl and the MILF got down on the floor and went down on each other. The redhead was licking my cum right out of elf girl's bald snatch.

Dark: And here we have the bald snatch, a majestic bird only found in its natural habitat of teenage wank fantasy.

It was hard as hell not to stroke one out watching them. It was like having a live porno right their in front of me. I just stroked it slow until they both cummed. I saw that the MILF had her pussy hair shaved into a Christmas tree when elf girl pulled her face out of her crotch.

Dark: Elf girl's face was where? What is she — quadruple jointed?

She said "Do you have a present to put under my tree?" I told her hell yeah I had a big one and showed her my throbbing prick. She said "I don't have any cookies but I do have some milk for you Santa." Then she squeezed her big boobs and milk squirted out.

Dark: *Groan* This guy obviously slept through English and Biology.

I got down and sucked the milk out of her left tit. Elf girl must have been thirsty too because she sucked on the other boob. It was good milk way better than you buy at the store. She didn't let me suck her tit long though. She said "I want your St. Nick dick."

The MILFs pussy was just as tight as elf girls. She said "Fill up my stocking Santa."

Dark: Filling up a stocking is probably the only sex act in the whole story that the author is actually familiar with. Well — a tube sock, but close enough.

Elf girl sat on her face

Dark: Even Mork from Ork would tell her, "You're doing that wrong."

while I was filling the MILF with my Christmas cheer. I got to watch two sets of boobs giggling like bowls full of jelly.

Dark: A circus freak elf girl, giggling boobs... Somebody had way too much eggnog before he wrote this.

Elf girl cummed first and soaked the MILFs face in pussy juice. I was fucking the hot mom so hard that milk was shooting out of her tits every time I pumped my dick into her pussy. She cummed next and screamed into elf girls pussy and elf girl cummed even more.

The MILF said "Cum up my chimney Santa!" So I jammed my dick into her so hard that my balls almost went in.

Dark: Crikey! Talk about tossing a fruitcake down a hallway.

I pumped her so full of cum that it leaked out around my prick and hung from her pussy lips like jism icecicles. She said "That's exactly what I wanted for Christmas Santa."

After that we got up and left. It was the greatest day of my life and I had five more days of community service to do with elf girl and the MILFs.

Dark: Noooo! There's more?!

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good lay!

Dark: *Curled up in a fetal position in his chair* Silent night. Holy night. Silent night. Holy night. Warm, safe place...


I know I said that LST3K was going into mothballs, but I couldn't resist when this showed up in my inbox. The author quite wisely wishes to remain anonymous, and I can't blame him.

Hope you've got a laugh out of this special Christmas foray on the Satellite of Lust. I'm afraid the escape pods take votes to activate, so you'll have to drop one in the coin slot to escape.

Read and vote on every story in the Winter Holiday contest that you can. It's hard to get enough votes to qualify sometimes, so toss your vote in that bucket when you see an author ringing his bell, won't you?

Keep circulating the links!

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