- Erotic Poetry
- Mouth Harp
Note: You can change font size, font face, and turn on dark mode by clicking the "A" icon tab in the Story Info Box.
You can temporarily switch back to a Classic Literotica® experience during our ongoing public Beta testing. Please consider leaving feedback on issues you experience or suggest improvements.
Click here
The night comes on like a train
inhaling the whole cigarette. Even the curtains
suck and blow
in memory of motion. The devil
isn’t at the crossroads,
he’s at the end of the bed.
His hat hangs from the vanity,
a jaunty bird, do-weet, do. This
could be Montreal, Quebec or Fulton, Mississippi
or a seedy joint above the Brothers’ Cafe
or anywhere, nowhere.
His fingers flutter and spark, cup
and caress a flash of silver muted and bang.
He tells me it’s all about the suck and blow
when he speaks words.
My knees fall apart slightly
in memory of motion
listening for the whole rest
that rolls like a ready egg
across the coverlet. The devil
on my bed, the cigarette in the can,
the train whistle, the suck,
the blow, the flutter and spark.
Do-weet, do.
- COMMENTS
WomanPariahover 16 years agoAnd the bird call "do-weet,do" is a really nice touch, used twice for a satisfying finish. Almost Vonnegutesque (Poo-tu-weet). I really like "flash of silver muted and bang" --- where "bang" seems to be used in its adjectival form...which doesn't formally exist: That is how we poet types continue to enhance language. Also, "when he speaks words" ... well, what else would he speak, right? Well, the way you've set that up, we're not quite sure what else he might speak besides words. Exquisite. Now the howevers, which is why, despite my own urgings, i had to go with a "4" on this (but about a 4.79 let's say): "The night comes on like a train/inhaling the whole cigarette" ... God i want this to work SO BADLY but i just can't get it to do so. I almost get a firm feeling about it, but i can't get my head around either the night or a train inhaling a smoke. That's probably what you want, a confounding intro, and i'm almost there, but .... Next, "My knees fall apart slightly/in memory of motion/listening for the whole rest/that rolls like a ready egg" ... again, so close to just amazing but something eludes. Grammatically, it sounds like your knees are listening, and maybe that's the intent, but it's a touch jarring. However to the however, "whole rest that rolls" is terrific, and i almost thought it was a "trainwreck" line until the little musician in me said, "wait a minute" and it all ROLLED into place. Listening for a REST, nicely carved little oxymoron there --- Last thing: i like the work you've done on the devil (although i'm still not sure how his hat is a jaunty bird), but i sort of wish you could have made the whole devil thing a hint more veiled, rather than spelling it out. But i'm a glutton for punishment! -- The whole tone feels like a Raymond Chandler tale, or i can almost hear Danny Devito reciting it a la the narrator in LA Confidential ---- Really great read, thank you.
sweet GA peachesover 16 years agoyour opening lines.
And the thought of the devil in bed,
hmmm, now there's one for the fire below.
*winks*
sGp
Anonymousover 16 years agoMakes me want to practice the harmonica, though not to play the blues.
