tagHumor & SatireMy Friend Hisacun

My Friend Hisacun

byHistory Nut©

Yesterday, I received a letter from my longtime friend Eukan Jacquekov. I have deleted the parts addressed to me personally, but am now sharing with you the last several pages in which he relates a recent adventure he had in Brisbane, Australia. He wrote:

"Until I met my friend Hisacun (pronounced He's a cun), I thought I was the only man cursed with a name that encompasses a double entendre that makes men guffaw, and makes women blush and giggle. If anything, Hisacun's name is more erotically suggestive than mine is. His full name is Hisacun Teater. You can imagine how it sounds when pronounced quickly and the final consonant of Hisacun is elided into the 'T' of Teater.

"I have to admire Hisacun, however. He has turned his name to his advantage. Let me explain.

"He, like I, is a lecher verging on being a satyr. Were he a woman, he would be considered a nymphomaniac. As a result of his all but insatiable need for carnal coupling, he has become a gigolo -- a highly successful one, too, I must add.

"Hisacun, despite his now advancing age, is a handsome, well-built man. In his youth he was a bodybuilder and a surfer, and as such developed a sculpted body of the kind that makes women go weak kneed and breathless when they see him nude, or nearly so. He no longer surfs, but he still goes to the gym every day to work out and keep his body almost as handsome as it was when he was in his twenties. Also, he like I, is a naturist, thus he is uniformly tanned over his entire body. As for his face; well, let me say only that were he to stand next to Clark Gable of Hollywood fame, Mr. Gable's handsome face would look plain next to Hisacun's. Only his graying, and somewhat thinning hair betrays his age and even that betrayal is not severe because when dressed in a business suit, as is his custom when he's on the prowl, it gives him the appearance of a distinguished and successful business man.

"As I mentioned, Hisacun is a gigolo. He took up that avocation after retiring from his import-export business some ten years ago. When he was in that business, he traveled the world buying artwork, jewelry, gemstones, fine antiques, and other items that he sold through his own retail stores, or to others to sell through their stores. In the process, he amassed several million dollars and can now live in luxury without having to work. However, he is still a vital and somewhat restless man. He cannot abide having nothing to keep him enjoyably busy.

"During his years as an import-export merchant, Hisacun's world travels allowed him to meet women of virtually every nationality and ethnicity, as well as women of every socio-economic stratum. He met these women as a natural part of his work. They were sellers, or buyers, of his merchandise. Because of the nature of the business, prices were never fixed and had to be negotiated. As an astute business man, Hisacun made it a practice to buy at the lowest possible price, and to sell at the highest. This meant long negotiating sessions during which the two parties would make offers and counter offers until they could agree at a value both considered fair. With men, this often took place in either the seller's office, or in Hisacun's office, and occasionally at a restaurant or men's club. With women, Hisacun always tried to have these bargaining sessions take place at an expensive restaurant, or other establishment that distracted the client's attention from price negotiations and allowed Hisacun to subtly seduce the woman into accepting him as her lover for the night. By his own admission, he bedded more than five hundred women over the course of a twenty-five year career. Some of them were poor, poorly educated, but talented artisans who were taken by his suave ways and handsome appearance, and by the opportunity to sell their art wares for a highly satisfactory price. Others were jaded business women who were as skilled at haggling over prices as was Hisacun, and often were as horny as he. All of them were, according to him, attractive, if not beautiful women, and all possessed highly developed libidos.

"Hisacun had no difficulty turning his back on his import-export business. It had become so routine that it no longer challenged him. He could, however, not so easily withdraw from the social life and world travels he had become accustomed to. Moreover, he found that he still needed the intellectual stimulation of negotiating a deal -- or more precisely, he needed the challenge of negotiating with a desirable woman with the goal of getting her to give her self to him. It was this that led him to market himself.

"He entered into his new enterprise with both aplomb and gusto.

"One of the tools of any business person is a business card. Just any plain-Jane card will not do. It has to be one that is eye-catching, which is memorable, and which leaves no doubt about what the presenter is offering. If this can be done tastefully, and with a degree of humor, all the better. Knowing this, Hisacun designed a business card to give to the ladies with whom he wanted to connect.

"Certain limitations of the program I am using to send this letter to you do not permit me to show you Hisacun's card, but I will attempt to describe it graphically enough that you will be able to visualize it. The photo was shot from above and shows a man's hands spreading a woman's buttock cheeks so that he can perform cunnilingus from below. The lower portion of his face, especially his nose, mouth, and extended tongue are visible. However, the picture has been rendered as an embossed image so that it is entirely in grey scale. Here is the text:

Hisacun Teater

Providing Discriminating Women

With the Unique Personal Service,

they want and need.

Discretion Guaranteed

Ask for an appointment now

"Note that the words on the card do not jump out, but blend somewhat into the background image. The image itself, while explicitly showing cunnilingus does so in a way that makes it necessary to look at it carefully to see what it shows. The card is suggestive, but not blatantly an offer, or request, for sex. Hisacun tells me that few of the women he gives his card to are offended by it, and that while fewer than twenty percent ask for his service, he gets a satisfyingly large number of positive responses. Rarely is a woman so offended that she either slaps him, or reports him to the authorities.

"Recently I had the pleasure of watching Hisacun in action. More than that, I had the good fortune to participate in the action. Let me explain.


"Hisacun and I had booked passage Brisbane, Australia to visit one of his former business associates, a Chinese gentleman who dealt in the folk art of the Australian Aborigines, and with whom Hisacun had established an enduring friendship.

"Although Mr. Wu invited Hisacun and me to stay in his home during our visit, we declined the offer as politely as we could, and checked into one of Brisbane's fine hotels.

"Hisacun told me that it was frequented by a number of women in the import-export business, and that he knew from past experience that a number of them were open to sexual dalliances with men whom they found attractive, and whom they felt would not endanger them in any way. He had bedded a couple of them on past occasions, and hoped to do so again on this trip.

"We were both feeling jet lagged our first night so after a fine dinner in the hotel's dining room we retired to our rooms and went to bed early. The next day, we were both feeling refreshed and spent the morning hours visiting several of Hisacun's former business associates. At office suite of one of them, we ran into an attractive Eurasian woman whom Hisacun introduced as Ms Colleen Maguire. Her father, as the name suggests was Irish. Her mother was Chinese.

"Colleen had inherited the better physical attributes of both of her parents. She was one of the most stunningly beautiful women I have ever seen. Her skin tones beautifully blended the olive of her Chinese mother with the floridness of her Irish father. I have never since seen a woman with such a warm colored, beautifully textured skin.

"Her hair was as black as any raven's wing, but had a natural curl to it so that it beautifully framed and accented her oval face. Her eyes were also a blend of occidental and oriental shape and color. Beyond that, I am at a loss to describe them other than to say that they were gorgeous.

"Because he knew Colleen, Hisacun did not give her one of his business cards, but did ask her to join us for dinner at seven that evening.

"Colleen frowned and said, "Hisacun, darling, I'd love to dine with you and Mr. Jacquekov, but I can't. My secretary, Janice Huang, is with me. This is the first time she has ever been away from Taipei and she's feeling a little overwhelmed here in Brisbane. I don't think it would be right to leave her at our hotel alone."

"I couldn't help myself. I broke into the conversation and said, 'Ms Maguire, I feel I can speak for both Hisacun and myself; please bring Miss Huang with you.'

" 'Thank you Mr. Jacquekov, that's kind of you, but I'd have to ask Janice before making that decision.' "

" 'Colleen,' Hisacun said, 'Here's my cell phone number. Ask Miss Huang if she would like to dine with a couple of American men, and then give me a call.'

At three that afternoon, while Hisacun and I were enjoying cold beers by the swimming pool at our hotel, his cell phone rang. It was Ms Maguire.

" 'Well Eukan, we have company for dinner.'

" 'Wonderful. I have no idea what Miss Huang is like, but if she is anything at all like your Ms Maguire, I'm sure I will enjoy chatting with her immensely.'

" 'Eukan, if Miss Huang is anything at all like Colleen Maguire, you'll enjoy a hell of a lot more than just pleasant conversation before the evening is over.'

" 'Oh?' "

"Hisacun and I finished our beers and went to our rooms. On the way up, Hisacun told me he would call for a limousine for the evening, and would make reservations for us at a restaurant that overlooked Brisbane's harbor.

"It was still several hours before we were to meet the ladies so when I got to my room, I set the alarm on my watch for five o'clock and then took a long shower. After bathing, I lay nude on my bed and napped until my watch alarm woke me. When I met Hisacun forty-five minutes later, I was dressed in a tropical linen suit and was wearing an open collared pale blue sport shirt. I was pleased to see that Hisacun was similarly dressed, although his shirt was a pastel green.

"The limousine arrived at six fifteen. Hisacun called Ms Maguire to tell her we were on the way to her hotel. She told him that she and her secretary would wait for us in the hotel lounge. When we arrived, Ms Maguire and Miss Huang were having margaritas and asked us to join them.

"I ordered a whisky sour and Hisacun asked for a Scotch and soda. While waiting for our drinks to arrive, Ms Maguire introduced Miss Huang to us.

"Janice Huang; she chooses to be called Janice because she says non-Chinese find it impossible to pronounce her name; was a strikingly pretty young woman in her early thirties. She was tall and slender, and had more aquiline features than do most of the Chinese I've met.

"While not as beautiful as Ms Maguire, she nevertheless possessed a face and body that had my hormones coursing through my body like a stampeding herd of buffalo. She also had a charming personality. Her soft, melodious voice enchanted me.

"After a half hour of visiting over our drinks, we left the hotel lounge and drove to the restaurant where Hisacun had made reservations. Our table was next to a window that overlooked an especially pleasant portion of Brisbane's harbor.

"The lobster and steak dinner we had was excellent. Both women were scintillating conversationalist and had charming senses of humor, and both enjoyed hearing and telling ribald stories. Double entendres flowed like water as the four of us relaxed and developed a comfortable intimacy that promised intimacy of another kind as the night progressed.

"After dinner, Hisacun took us to a dance club he frequented whenever in Brisbane. The band there was made up of local musicians who were as good as any of the big name bands I've heard. Their repertoire spanned nearly the entire gamut of twentieth-century dance music from the slow dreamy pieces that encourage couples to embrace and move together as one to the modern syncopated noise that has the couple a yard apart shimmying and shaking as if afflicted with St. Vitas dance. Thankfully, both Ms Maguire and Miss Huang preferred to dance to the slow dreamy pieces and sit out the fast pieces that threatened to do permanently short-circuit the pace maker of anyone unfortunate enough to be wearing one of those infernal devices.

"Hisacun claimed Ms Maguire as his companion for the night, leaving me with Miss Huang. How fortunate for me! Miss Huang, Janice, proved to be a delightful young woman.

"As we danced to the slow numbers she and I both preferred, she plastered her body so tightly against mine that I had no doubt that here medium sized breasts were unencumbered by a bra. I have been with other women with larger breasts, but none with firmer ones, or as I later learned -- more sensitive and responsive ones. I might add that, she pressed her pubis so firmly against my groin that I had the grandfather of all erections. I know Janice could feel it; she kept her pelvis in constant motion, applying pressure and then backing off ever so slightly. A couple of times I feared I would have an orgasm before a particularly long song ended.

"At ten o'clock, while we were sitting out a fast dance, Hisacun asked the ladies if they would like to join him and me in his hotel room for a nightcap before the limo driver took them back to their hotel. Both responded with an enthusiastic yes.

"All the way back to the hotel, Janice was all but sitting on my lap. Ms Maguire was sitting, if possible, even closer to Hisacun, and was treating him to as hot a French kiss as I've ever witnessed.

"Once in Hisacun's room, he called room service and ordered two bottles of champagne, a bottle of Crown Royal, and one of Remy Martin, as well as a tray of finger food munchies.

"Before we had gone to pick the ladies up at their hotel, Hisacun had had our hotel's catering service bring a stereo to his room along with a stack of romantic music CDs. While waiting for the refreshments to arrive, he put some music on, turned the volume way down, dimmed the room lights and suggested that we dance some more. It wasn't long before we were dry humping our partners to the strains of music that just demands that you touch.

"As Janice and I danced, our lips met. Oh, did they meet! That girl loved to kiss and she shared with me every kiss variation known to mankind. I had always considered myself well versed in osculatory eroticism, but that girl taught me lip and tongue dances I had never dreamt of. Moreover, she continued to massage my erect organ with her firm, rather prominent mons -- all of this while we were still fully clothed.

"A time or two, I glanced at Hisacun and Ms Maguire. He's a fast worker; I'll give him that, he had his right hand inside her blouse, and his left hand had worked her skirt up to where he was able to fondle the globes of her buttock which her thong left enticingly bare. As for Ms Maguire, Colleen; she had unzipped his fly and had her right hand wrist deep inside his trousers.

"When the refreshments arrived, we interrupted our erotic dalliance long enough to have a couple of drinks each, after which the ladies excused themselves to use the bathroom.

"They returned a couple of minutes later and we each had another drink before resuming our dancing. As we danced, our libidos took over. We began undressing one another to the slow, sensuous beat of the music, and were soon dancing nude.

"Janice, as I think I mentioned earlier, is tall -- tall enough that as we danced, my penis slipped between her thighs to rest against her wet, shaved labia major. As she had done all evening, she continued her back and forth pelvic thrusts. Between my pre-cum and her leaking vaginal juices, her thighs and my cock were soon so slick that I felt I was already inside her.

"Colleen Maguire isn't as tall as Janice so Hisacun's erection was sticking up between their bellies as they ground together in a vertical simulated fuck.

"After about ten minutes of this, I was ready to shoot my wad. Hisacun was apparently in the same predicament because he said, 'Colleen, if we don't take a break to let me cool off, you're going to have my cum all over your belly and tits.'

" 'Oh Hisacun, that would be a terrible waste. I'd really much rather have it inside me.'

"They broke and returned to the couch for another drink. Janice and I followed their lead, but I led Janice to Hisacun's king-size bed. I then retrieved our drinks: her champagne, and my cognac. I also picked up one of those tiny cocktail straws. Back on the bed with Janice, while she sipped at her bubbly, I picked up a straw full of Remy Martin and dribbled it onto her right breast so that it coated her erect nipple. Believe me, when I sucked that -- cognac never tasted so delicious, nor gave such a rush. Janice liked it as much as I did.

"While I lapped cognac from her tits, she lightly stroked my cock; not enough to get me off, but enough to keep me stiff and wanting something more.

"All of our erotic foreplay brought, unbidden, to my mind the definition of a glutton that I once heard. According to it, 'A glutton is a man who has chicken for breakfast, eats a mid-morning snack of chicken, eats chicken for lunch, has a mid-afternoon snack of chicken, eats chicken for dinner, has a late-evening snack of chicken, and goes to bed with a breast in each hand, and still wanting a piece.'

"With one of Janice's breasts in each hand, I was most definitely wanting another piece of her.

"Colleen and Hisacun were also playing with their drinks. She was dipping the head of his penis into her flute of champagne and then sucking it off. In between her slurps on his erect organ, he dipped one of her nipples into his glass of Crown Royal and gave her the same treatment I was giving Janice.

"By this time I was hungry for something more substantial than cognac flavored tit and began working my way down Janice's lovely, flat belly to her shaved mons. I nuzzled that firm mound for a moment and then let my tongue dip into her slit and just graze the tip of her clitoris.

"The touch of my tongue on the swollen head of that little passion button must have sent a wave of pleasure through her. She instantly trembled and shoved her pelvis vigorously upward to drive my tongue deeper between her labia.

"The fragrance of her vaginal secretions steamed up into my nostrils. I breathed deep and was intoxicated by its heady charge of pheromones. That was all it took to get my face firmly planted between her inner labia, which I might add, had a coloration different from any I had ever seen before. As they emerged from her body, immediately next to the vagina, they were the same soft olive tone as the rest of her body. The color darkened as it moved out toward the wavy, slightly folded free edges. There, her labia were almost chocolate brown.

"Janice was not just wet, she was soaking. Her fluids were running like a river. Ummmmm, they tasted as heavenly as they smelled.

"As it turns out, Janice also enjoys the taste of cock. While I was moving into position to snack on her vulva, she moved into position to suck me off. We sixty-nined with mutual enthusiasm. She began to climax, and as she did so she increased the oral and manual stimulation of my penis. Just as her orgasm reached its peak, I exploded in her mouth. She didn't lose a drop -- every spurt went directly down her esophagus.

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