On Dommes and Submissives

sub•mis•sive Pronunciation Key (sb-msv)
adj.

Inclined or willing to submit.

: characterized by tendencies to yield to the will or authority of others—sub•mis•sive•ness noun

inclined or willing to submit to orders or wishes of others or showing such inclination; "submissive servants"; "a submissive reply"; "replacing troublemakers with more submissive people" [ant: domineering] 2: willing to submit without resistance to authority; deferent 3: abjectly submissive; characteristic of a slave or servant; "slavish devotion to her job ruled her life"; "a slavish yes-man to the party bosses"- S.H.Adams; "she has become submissive and subservient" [syn: slavish, subservient]

Alternatively:

dom•i•na•trix Pronunciation Key (dm-ntrks)
n. pl. dom•i•na•trix•es or dom•i•na•tri•ces (-ntr-sz, -n-trsz)

1. A woman who acts out the role of the dominating partner in a sadomasochistic relationship.
2. A woman regarded as overbearing.

n : a dominating woman (especially one who plays that role in a sadomasochistic sexual relationship)

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For those who do not know me, I am a Domme. I have only been part of this community for a couple of years and have been doing independent study and talking to other Dom/es before getting into the scene. I was trained in play by a friend of mine who has been a Domme for around six years via an online media and also through watching her work in person. Having my training as I did, I decided to get out on my own and take a sub of my own.

When subs come to me, I take some time to get to know them on a personal level before I start training them. As BDSM is not about sex, it is about something far more subtle, I want to know where my subs are in their lives, where they came from, what makes them tick, their inner workings, what they want to be doing in their lives, all of that. My job as a Domme is not to be a heartless bitch. It is to craft people into decent working human beings instead of the senseless fuckwits they have been before.

The particular sub in the conversation below came to me claiming to have experience being a sub and was looking for a Mistress, yet he continued to treat me as though we were a couple dating during college. The following snippets of conversation will allow you to see WHY I was leery. Most of the time I only accept subs who have been trained for several years under the care of another Mistress OR who have naturally submissive tendencies, the latter being my preference. I do not have the time or inclination to spend the time training a sub that is not really a sub. With that being said, I leave you to the conversation, complete with my commentary.

hopeful sub: nice day for a nap in the park
Mistress: I am afraid of sleeping in open places unless there is someone standing guard. I think I may have been a soldier in a previous life
hopeful sub: oh would me laying there watching you rest count? brushing your hair back smiling softly being protective

This bothered me. Not the “watching you rest” as much as the “brushing your hair back, smiling softly, and being protective”. The sappiness of his statements REALLY bothered me. He followed it up with some more comments about having a candlelit room.

Mistress: So... how much experience have you had being a submissive?
hopeful sub: i have not served someone as a total submissive so i guess i'm very new
Mistress: Alright. Define the term "total submissive"?
hopeful sub: giving my mind body and soul to someone i control things in my life all the time sometimes i wish i could just give that control to someone else
hopeful sub: well that is what i mean the time i'm with you would be your control
Mistress: I don't know any real Domme who would allow her pets to not be a submissive when they are with her.
Mistress: Why don't we take this from a different tact and you tell me what your experience has been in the lifestyle and we will go from there.
hopeful sub: feel like i'm a burden no experienced i don't have experience
Mistress: I didn't ask you what you felt like. I asked you to answer a question
hopeful sub: i'm very vanilla i have taken a slight dom role in the bedroom before but that is so not the same
hopeful sub: i think the experiences i've had don't really count
Mistress: What experiences have you had?
hopeful sub: were merely playfull sexual experiences in my life

In other conversations he had told me he had experience being a submissive. This said to me “submissive activities with a Dom/me in a play scenario”. This did not say to me he had taken the reins and told his significant other what to do in the bedroom.

Mistress: Good. Now, tell me ways in which you will service your Mistress.
hopeful sub: clothing if she desires., pampering, massages to ease her pain, perfumes, cosmetics, feed her need for blood, listen to you, consider your needs before mine, care about your day how things are going, be understanding, be available for her when or if needed

Again with the “I am a college boy in love with you” thing. It irked me, so I laid it all on the line for him. I then started asking more questions.

Mistress: Tell me about your personal life.
hopeful sub: i have my 3 sons
hopeful sub: i live on a 200 acre farm
hopeful sub: i coach high school basketball and track
hopeful sub: am a vol. fireman
hopeful sub: love the outdoors
hopeful sub: love nature
hopeful sub: and cooking
hopeful sub: like my alone time as well
hopeful sub: just sitting on the back lot near a fire late at night
Mistress: Are you married?
hopeful sub: yes Mistress i am. 21 years.
Mistress: Why is it that you left her out of this conversation when I was asking about your life?
hopeful sub: because maybe i inadvertantly place her there in the order of my priorities or purposely do

Buh-huh-wha?? WHY did his wife not come into this conversation during his list of his life? I don’t think highly of subs who come to me with the implication of only wanting to have an affair on their wives. That irritates me. Therefore, I decided to tell him as such.

Mistress: In my absence, you will serve your wife in my place.
hopeful sub: yes Mistress
Mistress: Women are a superior of the species
hopeful sub: i am not to argue that point?
Mistress: Excuse me?
hopeful sub: yes Mistress
hopeful sub: you are superior
hopeful sub: as is she
Mistress: Oh no... go ahead. Tell me what you were GOING to say.... It'll be funny
hopeful sub: i was just gonna ask
Mistress: Why would you even question this?
hopeful sub: maybe being new or curious. or is this something that just is
Mistress: You don't believe that women are a superior species?
hopeful sub: i think, that women or men, have levels within the species
hopeful sub: i think hands down, you are the superior one
hopeful sub: you have that in you
hopeful sub: sorry. i'll shut up Mistress

*pauses for reader reflection before moving on*

Mistress: In my world, who is the highest ranked being?
hopeful sub: You are Mistress
Mistress: And who is directly under me?
hopeful sub: your servants
hopeful sub: me
Mistress: No. Women are the superior species. And that means ALL women.
hopeful sub: all other women then Mistress
Mistress: So who ranks directly beneath me in the chain of control?
hopeful sub: your subs are then below you
Mistress: Let me ask you this question again. Who ranks directly beneath your Domme?
hopeful sub: all women, then men, then subs

FINALLY!

This boy has a lot to learn about being a sub. Therefore, I am going to be starting an introduction to BDSM package for all submissives.

Now- for the reference of those interested, I have included some Wikipedia articles for submissives and for Dommes. *smirks*
Dommes:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Female_dominance
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dominatrix
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lifestyle_dominatrix
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Professional_Dominatrix
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domme

Subs:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Submissiveness
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Submission_%28BDSM%29
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Submissive_%28BDSM%29

On this vein, one would assume there are tenants that submissives are to follow. While these may vary depending on the Mistress, there are universal tenants that a sub is expected to follow.