Owning Bella Ch. 10byxelliebabex©
7 days after the crash of my world.
My beloved Master,
I have started this journal as a way to say what I can't admit out loud, not even to Master Rob who has been nothing but gentle and kind to me but there is a hole in my chest where my heart once was and I cannot cry anymore. I cannot grieve when I know you heard my voice when I asked you to promise to return to me. I know you hear my pleas in my dreams. I need you Master. Only you can fill the hole where my heart once was. Only you have ever understood me as I truly am. Only you...
I haven't wanted to return to my apartment. It's been two days that I have been home and Rob took me home to my parents. He stays nearby and visits every day staying for lunch and dinner, totally charming my mother. I think Kurt would be jealous if he knew. He did offer to be her toy boy once when the topic of her becoming a cougar came up. Kurt makes me laugh and Dianne is such a good friend. Maybe I should take their calls but I am just so lost without you that I can't face them, not yet. I know you are reading this saying that I am an ungrateful brat as you did during our last afternoon together and perhaps this time you are right. I should be grateful for friends who worry about me, who worry about you over there and alone in Italy. If I see them do I have to admit I didn't fight hard enough to stay? To stay with you? It made sense at the time to obey Rob but that could have been the drugs. It could have been my need to feel safe while you lay between life and death. Did I run away when times got tough? Was I too cowardly to stay and fight the people who were in such a hurry to get me home? How can I know this is what you truly wanted? I sit here well fed, loved and cossetted from the world while you still struggle and the people that did this are still out there. Who would do this to you Master? Who? You are not a bad person, a criminal, what could you have done to earn this sort of treatment?
I am lost and confused and don't know what to do, tell me what to do, please Master , what am I supposed to do now?
10 days after the crash of my world
My beloved Master,
We were together such a short time Master but you managed to control every aspect of my life. My family, my friends, my work, there is nowhere I can go to escape you and your influence and breathe for just one moment without seeing you lying there close to death. They are coming this weekend; I haven't been accepting their calls. Our friends, they are coming and I can't face them alone. Dianne called and only spoke to mum; she left the room to take the call. They are coming with their cheery voices and pitiful expressions and I can't stand it. Make them go away, please make them go away.
But you are not here, Rob is. Rob with his gentleness and kind consideration of everything I say. Would he stop them for me? Maybe if I asked. Do I want him to? Yes! Could I ask him? No. He is being far too nice and we never seem to be alone without one or the other of my parents hovering around. I crave some time without the watchful eyes upon me, waiting for my eventual breakdown. I have not cried since returning home. There is no need. I know you will come for me, you promised, I heard you in my heart. I will sit and wait like a good girl, be obedient and smile on cue because I know you will come for me, you have to come for me.
14 days after the crash of my world
My beloved Master,
Kurt and Dianne were here this weekend. They acted as though nothing was different. Kurt ate his way through my mother's pantry and flirted with her while Dianne talked of work and our friends. How can they not see that everything is different now? I am lost and even in a house full of people I am alone. They were here when Rob arrived with the dreadful news.
The tears came again today. Tony died today. I guess you know that as you are there and I am here. He saved our lives. He deserves so much more than my tears but my watchers here will not let me return to Italy for his funeral or to see you. You have to live now Master, and get better and come home where I can see you. For Tony's sake as well as mine. He was a good man and he didn't deserve this. None of us deserved this, did we?
Is this my fault? Did I offend someone at work or the club with all my mistakes? Was it the men in Singapore who didn't seem to understand when you told them no? I look back and I could have done things so differently. Why did I sigh so loudly and suggest the drive that ended in disaster? Why didn't I just accept what had been decided instead of acting like the spoilt brat I was. I am so sorry Master this is all my fault. I killed Tony and almost killed you, yet here I sit healthy and well cared for. I do not deserve it.
When I ask about you Rob's eyes becomes clouded for an instant before he reassures me that you will live, that you are still fighting to come home to me. I love you, I need you but I am not sure I deserve you after causing you so much pain.
20 days after the crash of my world.
My beloved Master,
Jenny came with Rob today. Do you think it is odd that your wife and your lover could have a normal conversation, not that any of it was normal. I felt as though I was underwater barely hearing the words that came from her. She spoke of her father a great deal. A rich and powerful man within the Italian community here, his ego far outweighed his stature. He had sold his thriving business to Mel when he retired rather than letting him inherit it as his heir. Being an only child she was the love in her parent's world until Vince came along and even then she could do no wrong in their eyes.
Unaccepting that she was different, not delicate but of a large build and far from beautiful they had forced her into a marriage she didn't really want. Luckily, that man was you my Master, who understood her, allowing her the freedom to explore her own kinks without imposing yours. She was happy, did you know that? She was truly happy to have you as her husband and friend.
It was hard to hear how she blamed you for the lack of grandchildren when her parents pressed her for more. How she blamed you for many things. How they had come to surprise her one weekend and found her in bed with a woman. Once again her father blamed you, she had no idea what an effect that had on her father or how much his hatred of you had grown or she wouldn't have let Vince spend so much time there.
You see it was her father that tried to destroy your club and business ten years ago, it was her father that had decided that Vince deserved a nice girl like me from an traditional Italian upbringing. It was her father who finally tried to kill you. Once Vince realised how far his grandfather had gone in his revenge he went to the police. He had hated you for the lies his grandfather had told him about how you treated Jenny.
Don't let him win Master, come back to me. To what we have together, Jenny is flying to Italy to be by Vince's side, he was influenced by lies and the overblown ego of his grandfather, don't be too hard on him, he really had no idea what was going on.
I miss you more than words can say, we are safe now, come home to me, please Master, I need you.
My beloved Master
I am numb. There are no tears. Just a vast emptiness where my heart used to beat. I want to sleep now, but they are checking on me. They will not let me sleep anymore but I won't get out of bed, I won't go back to work how can I? How can I go back to my life when everything in it revolved around you, our families, our friends, our work? You had made yourself an integral part of my life before you took me as your willing slave and now I can't face it.
I hate you for leaving me with nothing but an empty life, purposeless, I can't even bury myself in my work. I hate you for making me love you so deeply. I hate you for leaving me here with these people who won't let me sleep any more. If I could just close my eyes the world would disappear and I could stop hurting. I want to sleep. Make those people down stairs leave me alone and let me sleep. They gave me drugs to sleep once when I first knew, and in disbelief called them liars. They gave me more drugs to keep me calm and awake as I faced your body and saw it engulfed by flames and ashes spilled from fingers to the winds on this mountain we both once called home, in more innocent times.
There are no drugs now to numb the pain, sleep which beckons me deeper into oblivion has been withdrawn by constant company and chatter that goes on around me. I do not truly hear it, or understand it as I sit and stare at the macabre forced smiles. Where are you I wonder, will you still come for me? I would go happily just now, even though the vital and living hands of so many try to hold me to this place, I would fly to you my love just to feel your embrace. I have read too much poetry of late. Perhaps I should share with you...
I hope when I am dead that I shall lie
In some deserted grave--I cannot tell you why,
But I should like to sleep in some neglected spot,
Unknown to everyone, by everyone forgot.
There lying I should taste with my dead breath
The utter lack of life, the fullest sense of death;
And I should never hear the note of jealousy or hate,
The tribute paid by passers-by to tombs of state.
To me would never penetrate the prayers and tears
That futilely bring torture to dead and dying ears;
There I should lie annihilate and my dead heart would bless
Oblivion--the shroud and envelope of happiness.
From the French of Massillon Coicou ( Haiti )
My Beloved Master,
How could you do this to me? I was content at home in my room. Taking your collar was always my choice you said, I could leave you said at any time. Why did you give your collar and me within it to another? Why I don't understand. Why would you make me beholden to Rob and Kurt as managers of both your official and unofficial will? Did you truly redraft it when I ran away and still give me so much within it? Did you know how much I loved you even then, when I had fled? Guilt eats at me daily that I wasted so much time in decision and silly little girl stunts, yet you were always there to forgive and embrace me and adore me. How I must have infuriated you at times. You are not here now though to forgive me as I need forgiveness and so I live with the guilt of my actions, the guilt that you have died and I did not and the guilt that Tony died to save me. I am not worthy of such heroism I am a spoilt brat just as you said the last time we were together.
The men you have given my care to are good men, they will not punish me for my deeds. They cannot take away the pain and guilt I feel especially now that you have made me a rich and powerful woman in my own right. They look after your interests now my interests which are now my interests so well. I need do nothing if I so choose but they take me into the office. I sit in what was once Rob's office and he in yours, I refused to employ a PA. I do little so there is no need. I sit and try and look normal but there is no normal for me in this building, in this company. I don't think it was every normal for me from the first day.
I crave the punishment you would give me for my idleness. I crave the simplicity of obedience, unthinking, unquestioning obedience, I crave the mind shattering pain and pleasure that would stop the self-indulgence of wishing and wondering "what if..." My chest aches with heart break but there are no more tears, I walk like a zombie through my life now, missing you. Why did you leave me so lost and alone? I need you Master, come back please come back... Tell me it was all a huge mistake, that you had a doppelganger, I would believe if only given the chance. You promised to come home to me.
Mel had rallied several times in the intensive care ward and it looked as though he would survive the dreadful injuries he had endured. His wife's arrival and the subsequent incarceration of her father seemed to bring him back to the world and he had more frequent moments of lucidity. Jenny had stayed by his side night and day and had talked long and deeply with him.
He had felt deep regret at having put Bella in harm's way. That she was hurt at all was a direct result of being by his side. He had promised to protect her but instead he brought her only danger. Jenny spoke of her last conversation with Bella and Mel smiled, grateful that she was safe and being cared for by those he trusted most.
"You were a good wife Jenny, loyal and steadfast, I loved you in many ways but," he paused taking a deep breath, "Ellie is the great love of my life, my passion, my soul mate. She sees all of me and accepts it and loves me in spite of it. Should anything happen," he glanced around at the machines, "Promise you will look out for her, be her friend, please Jenny," Mel seemed to be struggling to focus and get the words out and Jenny nodded clasping his hand tightly, unable to answer with words as the tears rolled down her face. The heart monitor flat-lined and she was pushed from the room as doctors tried to revive him once again.
Leon and Jenny watched in horror as the doctors stepped away from Mel's still body and the nurses switched off machines. Jenny wilted onto a chair and Leon sat with his head in his hands wondering how he was going to deliver the news to Rob. The doctor had seen them and said the exact cause would not be known until after the autopsy, but he would hazard a guess that a blood clot had reached his brain or that an aneurysm had ruptured.
Weeks after Jenny had returned home for the reading of the will, she continued to feel that she could not face Bella who was still deeply grieving. Her promise to Mel made her feel guilt and betrayal at not making sure the girl was coping with life, so eventually, she wrote her a letter.
I was there at the end and Mel spoke only of you, his wishes and dreams for the life you had started together. I think of all the people who loved and admired Mel only you and I knew him as he truly was and no matter where our lives take us some small part will always belong to him. Do not be afraid to move on and take risks. I promised him I would always look out for you and I will if you let me.
I would like you to feel free to come and see me and talk about him, the real him, not the one his friends at the club knew or his work colleagues, the loving man who wanted nothing more than to look after us, the people he loved. I will understand if you feel you can't come to me but I wanted you to know my door and arms are wide open.
She sent it by courier so that she could be sure Bella would get it herself and that interference would not be run by Rob or Kurt or Dianne, who meant well but had their own way of dealing with things.
Jenny had waited for the phone to ring, she had checked her emails and jumped as a car passed their isolated house, sadly she believed Bella had rejected her letter and the invitation it held. She had put on an old movie that she loved and was lost in the sadness of the ending when her doorbell rang. It was late and checking her watch she went and opened the door.
Bella stood with Rob behind her looking forlorn and misty eyed. "I tried to stop her," Rob said softly, "But she said you had invited her. Your phones not working, did you know?"
Jenny wasn't listening to Rob. She gathered Bella in her arms and lead her inside where they cried together for hours. It was the first real conversation Bella had had about her love for Mel since she left Italy and it was liberating. Of all people to find solace with and begin to mend her broken heart, it was Jenny who truly understood all the facets of Mel and what being loved by him felt like in their similar but different ways.
Authors note: Here ends the series Owning Bella, I am hoping after finishing one or two of my other series to begin the next series, Possessing Bella, but that is not likely until next year. Happy reading everyone.
Thank you once again to my kind and thoughtful editor R.K. Moreland.