tagHumor & SatirePhone Calls

Phone Calls


The following is a series of cell phone calls between a young girl, Maria O'Hara, and various other individuals.


Maria is an attractive, petite, young lady, just over 5 feet tall. She appears much younger than her 22 years. Most people would take her for 15 or 16 years old. Her short blond hair and beautiful hazel eyes offer an unusual contrast to her creamy golden skin. She is wearing what, at first, appears to be a school uniform, a closed neck white blouse with a pleated, knee length, medium blue-plaid skirt. Sensible, low heeled shoes complete the picture of a teen aged school girl.

She is trying to brush wisps of straw from her clothing as she pecks on her cell phone. The distant phone rings and then is answered.

"Hi, Lizzie this is Maria. I've got a big problem and I need help."

"What's wrong Maria, what can I do to help?"

"I'm here with a real old guy and I think he's dead!"

"What guy? What happened?"

"Well, I picked him up in the mall. I was on my hands and knees and he was doing me from behind doggy style when suddenly he grabbed me by the hips, pushed hard into me and yelled 'OH GOD', slid off of me and flopped around on the ground for a while and then he got real still. At first I thought he was cuming but now I think he was going."

"Where are you now and where is he?"

"I'm in the woods behind the mall and he just laying there on his back. This is where we was doing it."

"Who is he and where did you meet him?"

"I met him in the mall and he said his name was Juan Sanchez. I think he's a gardener or something. He's real old; he must be at least 40. He still owes me $30."

"You didn't get your money up front?"

"Naw, he said he was at lunch and only had a half hour and was in a big hurry. He's just lying there, his eyes are open but he is not breathing and his pants and undershorts are around his knees."

"Well, you better call 911 right away."

"Okay, I guess I'll do that, goodbye."

Maria hangs up and punches in 911.

"911, this is the Calico County Sheriff's Department, what is your emergency?"

"I need some help."

"Are you okay Miss.? Are you hurt? Do you need medical attention?"

"Naw, I'm okay, there's just some goo running down my leg. It's this guy here on the ground that needs help. I think he's dead."

"Why do you think that?"

"His mouth and eyes are open but he's not breathing and his dick has gone all soft. I can't feel a pulse and there's no reaction at all when I squeeze his cock and he still owes me $30."

"Where are you?"

"In the woods behind the Calico County mall."

"I need a better description than that."

"Oh... Just across the parking lot by the food court in the mall is a big curved wall with a sign on it. I'm in the little grassy area behind the sign."

"Wow, aren't there are rattlesnakes in there?"

"Not anymore, we cleaned them out a long time ago. Now it is just a little grassy space with a few beer cans and some tissues that I used to wipe my pussy."

"Wipe your... Oh, I see... Hold on and let me see if I can locate it on the map."

"I'm going to see if I can get my $30 out of his pocket."

"I wouldn't do that Miss."

"HEY! He's only got $23.25 on him! I think he was going to stiff me!"

"It sounds like he's already done that."

"Well, he's got a nice hunting knife in a sheath on his belt. I think I'll take that for the $7.75 he still owes me."



"Okay, I've got a deputy on the way. The ambulance and the EMT's will have to come from way over in Eden so it might take some time. Just stay on the line with..." CLICK

Maria's phone rings, it is Lizzie.

"Hey Maria, I tried to call you back but your line was busy. Did you call 911?"

"Yeah, I called them and they said they were sending over a deputy. It will probably be Barney. I think he's the only one on duty early in the day like this."

"Barney, you mean Barry Burns?"

"Yeah, but everybody calls him Barney because he reminds us of Barney Fife on television. I'm walking back to the mall now because I don't want Barney to see me. He's so cheap he always wants a freebie. I already do him three or four times a week now. He will give me $10 for a hand job but he only wants to pay $15 or $20 for a blow job or a fuck."

"You really should stop doing that and find a decent job."

"Why, I make a lot more money at this than I did when I was working for Burrito Bell. Besides, I like doing it and I don't pay no taxes and I can sleep late if I want."

"Yeah, but they said that the next time they caught you they would send you to jail."

"I don't think that's going to happen. The last time they only fined me $40 and time served and then, that horny old man, Judge Willard gave me the $40 back later when I gave him a blow job in his chambers. That cheap bastard only gives me $25 now when we do it. That's another reason I give Barney a discount, so he won't arrest me. All that don't matter no more anyway because I have a good lawyer."

"Who is that?"

"His name is Tyrone Banks."

"Isn't he that big black ex-football player?"

"Yeah, I really like him. He's got a very big dick and the only way he wants to do it is with me sitting on top of him. He's so big he fills me right up and it feels wonderful. He can go on forever. We usually do it on the couch in his office and he gives me $50. Sometimes, we do it three or four times a week. Best of all, he don't charge me nothing to be my lawyer. I don't like that black bitch that is his assistant though; she called me a whore, white trash and a trailer park tramp. She knows good and well I moved out of that trailer park more than six months ago. I just wish my boobs were as big as hers."

"Who else did you do regularly?"

"Well, there's Mr. Wilson over at the hardware store. I do him after hours on Mondays and Thursdays in his little room behind the store. He's really funny; he wants me to call him daddy and makes me dress up like a little girl in some clothes he keeps there. He'll give me a lollypop and then take off his pants and jockeys and make me sit on his lap. He always gets a hard on and pokes me in the ass when I do that. Sometimes, he turns me over his knee, pulls my skirt up and my panties down and spanks me. Not very hard, just tiny little slaps. Sometimes he just rubs my ass with his hand. Once in a while, he cums when he does that. If he don't, I just straddle his lap the wrong way around and jack him off with my hand while I look into his eyes. It's messy but he gives me $60 every week."

"I know him; I never would have thought that wimpy old man would do something like that."

"Then there's John Higgins, the high school history teacher. He calls me on my cell phone when he sees he's going to have a free period. That's usually two or three times a week. I meet him at his car and we do it there. I don't think much of that because he always uses a condom even for a blow job. I think he thinks I'm going to give him some disease to take home to his wife. He don't wear it for me because he knows I'm on the pill. I make him give me $25 for a blow job or $30 to stick it in me.

"On Saturdays and Sundays, I hang out at the mall with all of them high school girls. They don't do it for money but they get the men all het up and then I swoop in for the kill. Sometimes on a good Saturday I can make as much as $200. That's more than I made all week at Burrito Bell after taxes. I usually take the guys back behind that wall or we do it in their car."

"I see. Today is Saturday so that's why you were there. Was he your first today?"

"No, I had one of my regulars first thing. We had to hurry, he was on his way to the market before he and his wife had to go down to the senior citizens hall for something."

"So, get back to your other clients."

"On Sundays there's all them church goers. They come to The Coffee Pot at the mall while their wives are still in the bible study class. I've had them lined up three deep waiting for me.

"Then there's that uppity preacher from over by Cobb's corner. Two or three times a month he'll call me on my cell phone. He'll pick me up and take me to the parsonage where both him and his wife do me. Boy, I really like that! They take turns doing me and each other. She likes to eat my pussy while he fucks her from behind. Sometimes I'll give him a blow job while he eats her pussy or she'll give him a blow job while he eats my pussy. I really like it when she eats me. She's soft and really knows what she's doing. Sometimes it makes my eyes roll back in my head. Once, they picked me up on a Sunday afternoon and I didn't get home until after lunch on Monday. Boy was my pussy sore but I had a good time. He always gives me at least $100 and sometimes more.

"My best customer is that fat banker, Mr. Williams. I go to his apartment four or five times a week after hours when he calls me. He's got this big vibrating thing that looks just like a dick. He likes for me to give him a blow job while I stick it up his ass and fuck him with it and then he likes to eat my pussy before we finish. He gives me at least $50 every time and last Christmas he gave me a $200 bonus.

"When I lived in the trailer park there was this guy that used to come by once in a while early in the morning. He always woke me up before eight o'clock and brought me coffee and donuts. All he wanted to do was take pictures of me with no clothes on. He would get me to lay down on the bed, spread my legs and take close up pictures of my pussy. He wouldn't let me touch him but sometimes he would rub his dick on my tits. He would lay some newspapers down and jack off while he looked at my pussy. When he got finished, he would roll up his newspapers; give me 20 bucks and leave. That was before I started charging more. Anyway, it was neat and clean and I got a free breakfast. I read in the papers he got arrested for kiddie porn.

"Oops, I've got to go, I just saw Barney drive up out there by the wall. I want to watch and see what he does. Bye, talk to you later."

The moment she hangs up, Maria's phone rings again.

"This is the Calico County 911 dispatcher. Are you the young lady that reported the dead body behind the wall at the Calico County mall?"

"Yeah, that was me."

"Deputy Burns wants you to come back to the wall so he can interview you."

"I ain't going back unless he promises to keep his dick in his pants."

"I... Er... Hold on, I've got him on the radio. Give me a minute... He wants to know if this is Maria O'Hara."

"Yeah, tell him to call me if he needs to talk to me. He knows the number. I'm hanging up now."

"Wait..." CLICK.

Maria's cell phone rings for the third time.

"Hi Barney, what do you want?"

"Barney? This isn't Barney; it's Fredrick Williams from over at the bank. I wondered if you could come over and visit with me this evening."

"Oh, hi Mr. Williams, what's happening?

"I was up in Dallas on business and got a new toy. I wondered if you could come over this evening and we could try it out together."

"You ain't thinking about sticking that new thing in me are you?"

"Oh heavens, no! I just wanted to play our regular game but using the new toy."

"Okay, I can be there any time after 6, whatever you say."

"I'll tell you what, I'll order some take out from Pisa Pizza Barn and we can eat while we play."

"That's funny."

"What's funny?"

"You want to eat both me and a Pizza? I ain't sure I want to suck your cock and then eat something greasy like a Pizza. Maybe we could eat first."

"That's fine by me. Then I'll see you at 6 o'clock?"

"Okay 6 it is."

Maria hangs up and her phone rings almost immediately.


"Hi, Maria, this is Deputy Barry Burns. I need to take a statement from you about what happened."

"Hi Barney, well, he was fucking me and he keeled over. What else do you need to know?"

"I need to take a formal statement and have you sign it."

"Okay, you come over here. I'm at The Coffee Pot in the mall."

"I need you on the scene."

"You just want me to come over there so you can get in my pants."

"Well, I wouldn't mind that but this is pure business."

"I don't know..."

"I'll tell you what, you come over here and be nice to me and I'll fix it so you are in the clear."

"You mean that if I come over there and give you a blow job or a fuck you will keep my name out of it?"

"Er... Yeah, I guess so."

"Okay, I'll be over in about 5 minutes."

She breaks the connection, heads towards the entrance of the mall when her phone rings again.


"Hello Maria, this is Pastor Collins from over at Cobb's corner. My wife asked me to call you and see if you were free Sunday night."

"Sure, for you and her I'm always free. Well, not free but cheap."

"Can I pick you up outside the mall at 3 o'clock Sunday?"

"Okay, 3 o'clock tomorrow, south entrance by The Coffee Pot. I'll be there."

"Oh, one more thing, could you please pick up two liter bottles of Old Grand Dad bourbon?" I'll pay you for it. I just don't think it's right for a preacher to be seen going into a liquor store."

"Yeah, I got enough money. If I pick up a six-pack of Bud Lite for me will you pay for that too?"

"I guess so."

"Okay, see you tomorrow at 3."

She hangs up, consults her phone speed dial list and punches in a number.

"Hello, this is Deputy Sheriff Barney... Er... Barry Burns."

"Hi Barney, it's Maria. I see the ambulance finally got there. If I come over where you are now am I gonna have to fuck everybody?"

"No, everything is taken care of here; I pulled the guy's pants up and told them him he was eating lunch when he had a heart attack. One of the paramedics is the deputy coroner so he signed off on it. They're leaving now so you are in the clear here but the 911 dispatcher, Bruce Sidley remembers you from high school and you told him what happened. He wants in."

"I remember Bruce; he was a pretty neat guy so I don't mind. Tell him to come by The Coffee Pot anytime and I will take care of him."

"What about me?"

"The next time we do it will be a freebie. Is that okay?"

"I guess so."

"Okay, you get out of there. Here comes one of my regulars and I need some privacy in my cozy little space behind that wall. Oh, by the way Barney, would you mind picking up the beer cans and tissues before you go?"


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