At the age of 13, I was having wet dreams of kissing my best friend. I was far too naïve to know that girls could do anything other than kiss, and far too horny to cum from less than a kiss.
My best friend Marissa was shaping up to be very beautiful. She was Armenian, with olive-toned skin, long, black hair, and big, green cat eyes. Her breasts were fast growing large, their sloping perfection drawing my eyes continually.
The dream I would have always involved us innocently lying together in some strange place in a bed, kissing without tongue (I didn't know about french kissing, yet), topless. I would wake up orgasming.
My health teacher had explained that girls often felt like they were in love when they were young, but that it was usually a passing phase. I found comfort in this, and never told anyone about my dreams. Eventually, after many years, I guiltily masturbated to much raunchier fantasies about women, but never allowed myself to experiment.
Marissa and I grew somewhat distant over the years, attending different high schools one year apart. I had a few disasterous relationships with boys who rushed me into sex I wasn't ready for, and who didn't seem to really care about me. I was such a cutie, with thick auburn hair and an ass to die for, but I had grown shy and depressed from lonlieness. I wasn't sure where I wanted to go with my life after school, and felt directionless.
I had a few friends who were going to attend a concert out of town. There was camping provided, and it sounded rather fun. I went, and took acid for the first time, and that's when I found out that I needed to get the hell out of Los Angeles. I knew there was so much more to life than I had ever imagined, and L.A. Certainly didn't suit me.
A short time later, I found myself pregnant by a guy I had already broken up with. It was awful, yet I had a feeling that it was time to make something work out right in my life, and I loved my baby right away. I moved north as far as my small savings could take me, and ended up in a beautiful, small city on the north coast of California, full of students and artists, and made my home there without regrets.
When I was 6 months along, I was walking to the organic food store when a voice called my name. I turned and saw Marissa! We rushed into each other's arms with delight. As I leaned back in her arms to look at her lovely face, I felt a warm tingle between my legs. I was a little shocked and scared at my response, but nothing I told myself about it would make me stop getting wet for my friend.
We got dinner and went back to my house, which I shared with some students I'd met. After dinner, we talked and I found out she had been attending the college in town, majoring in Art History. She lay on her stomach, stretched like a satisfied cat on my bed where I sat next to her, then put her hand on my belly.
"May I snuggle with you?" she asked, looking into my face with a pretend-worried expression.
"Sure," I replied, taking her into my arms. I felt her beautiful face nestle into my neck, and felt a warm glow begin in my heart.
We talked about the baby, then. After hearing how alone I was in the world, she confessed that she had had 2 abortions, and felt terribly guilty just then, looking at how courageous I was. She looked up at me with her eyes misting over. I rested my hand on her cheek and told her to please not feel that way, it just hadn't been the right time for her.
"My so-called bravery could also be called stupidity, you know. What the hell am I thinking, doing this alone?"
Her face suddenly brightened.
"I have an idea!"
"Hm?" I asked, feeling my heart flip a bit at the excited look on her face. I loved the way she could change moods so fast!
"We could get a place together! I could be your labor coach and help with the baby!"
I looked at her doubtfully. Many people had offered to help already, but had slowly faded away without actually helping at all. I was pretty mistrustful.
"No, please, just hear me out, Sweetie."
She got off the bed, got on her knees on the floor, and grabbed my hands.
"I would consider it a great honor," she said quietly, her eyes calmly imploring," if you would allow me to help you give birth and care for you."
I was embarrassed and so moved. Tears formed in my eyes as I nodded and whispered, "Ok."
During the birth, Marissa and I followed our loose plan to eat popsicles, walk around, and breathe a lot. We spent most of the beautifully sunny day walking by a stream, she holding me steady during contractions and telling me how brave and beautiful I was after each one, giving me hope that I would survive this. Eventually, I felt that my pains were too close for us to risk not calling the midwife and getting to the hospital.
Baby Max was born in only 8 hours, only one of which we spent at the hospital. He was fine and healthy and the most lovely creature in the whole world, I was certain! My life had changed forever, and I was terrified and giddy all at once, feeling a kinship with every woman who had ever gone through this. I held my sweet boy in my arms and watched him nurse as Marissa held me around my shoulders, marveling at his enthusiasm and beauty. We both cried like babies, but Max never did.
The next night, I was still in the hospital. I couldn't sleep from worrying about my ability to take full responsibility for another being. Max already seemed to be wiser than me in a strange way, as if he looked at me and could see right through me. I felt as if I was a child raising a child, even though I had just turned 21.
Marissa, who slept on a chair next to my bed where I nursed my baby back to sleep, woke up and checked on me. Seeing my tears, she got on the bed with me and held me tight, letting me whimper and talk my way through it. She kissed my tears away, almost as if she enjoyed the taste, and for a moment, I was taken aback, my heart beginning to race.
She pulled back and looked into my eyes. My heart rushed and warmed and I felt suddenly so in love, I couldn't make my head stop swimming! I was straight, I kept repeating to myself, but I'm in love! IS it hormones? God, I don't know...
"You are strong and wise and brave," she said almost sternly, "and you are NOT alone! I love you, and I love Max, so much more than I ever thought I could love a child. You'll have to kick my ass to get rid of me."
I heard her words and fell further in love, but I was so distracted by my emotions I was almost faint. My body shook, especially my legs, still week from giving birth, and my poor pussy ached with desire and pain all at once. I thought maybe I was going nuts!
She could see I was in some kind of overly emotional state, saw my legs shake, and squeezed me harder and pushing my head into her neck.
"Ok, love, no more talking tonight. I'll push the button for the nurse and we'll eat ourselves some ice cream and find something to giggle about. No arguing!"
"Ok," I whispered.
The nurse came with the ice cream and smiled a bit uncertainly at the sight of two pretty girls holding each other on the bed. We may have been living in a progressive college town, but lesbianism was not accepted yet, not really anywhere, and I was embarrassed and scared. Marissa had me cheered up in no time, though, and we were able to leave the hospital the next afternoon, Max sporting his new purple jammies and matching hat, and me wearing a beautiful silk sundress Marissa had bought for me to wear home. We were bursting with pride as we left, saying goodbye to some parents we had been in birthing class with, who waved enthusiastically. Like it or not, we were a family; a motley one, but a good one, I thought.
As if echoing my thoughts, Marissa said, "Sweetie, we are the prettiest, craziest family any of these folks have ever seen, huh?" We laughed. It was hard to imagine how my heart could be so heavy and so light all at once.
6 weeks later, Marissa was making a run to the grocery store. I sat in bed shirtless, as had become my custom when at home, since everything I wore eventually got covered in breast milk anyway. I had just started nursing Max, who looked quite sleepy from a day spent learning to smile at both of us. It was a happy, lovely day for us all, and I could barely contain my joy as my best friend leaned over and planted a chaste, but firm kiss on my lips.
She pulled back a bit, looking at my mouth and at the baby, grinned at me, and with a small, "aw!" she kissed me again, this time lingering just a bit. My face flushed and my body heated up so fast, I thought I would pass out from the pleasure of her full, red lips pressed against my smaller, pink ones. I would have done anything in that moment to keep her lips on me, but it wasn't to be, as she pulled away and said goodbye.
I fell asleep after putting Max down next to me. Marissa came to bed sometime later, curling her long, cat-like body around my small, sleep-heated back side. Marissa slept with Max and I every night now, and her nearness drove me crazy with lust and joy and frustration. I knew that I could talk to her about my feelings, but I wasn't sure what on earth would come of it. What if she didn't want to be around me any more? Where would that leave me and Max?
What if she loved me back, and we were together as a couple? The whole concept seemed alien to me; how would we be safe from homophobes? Would people openly hate us? Would Max be treated badly by other kids, or worse, parents and teachers?
I didn't know what to do or where to go for advice. But, something needed to be done soon; I no longer trusted myself with her, as I knew that one day I would break down and kiss her like a lover does, come hell or high water!
About 6 months later, I sat in our window seat watching Max crawl about the living room floor happily babbling to himself, and occasionally getting up to fish tiny things out of his mouth.
"How he finds grains of sand in everything is beyond me," I said sarcastically, knowing full well they came from Marissa's flip flops, which were always tracking beach sand in. She loved the beach and went every chance she could, topless, no less. It was summer, and she had taken to only wearing shirts when absolutely necessary, driving me wild.
She grinned at me and winked, swiveling to finish cutting veggies for dinner. The sight of her brown skin in the light of the setting sun streaming in through the window, her breast swinging about with her movement had me swooning. I fanned myself with my book, looking away.
After putting the baby down on a mat asleep after dinner, she set up some candles in the darkening room. We sat on the floor, full and satisfied, and chatted about nothing important.
"I met a lesbian today," she said.
"Wah?" I asked, "How did you know she was a lesbian?"
"You know how Linda lives in that house with 4 women? Well, this woman, her name was Gloria, came up and said hi to me, and I think she assumed I was one too!"
"Oh," I said, looking down and frowning, "Why?"
"Cause we live together. She said she thought our family was the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen."
Marissa nonchalantly sucked some chocolate pudding off of her long, slender finger, seemingly unworried. There was a lesbian in town? I thought. How may of them are there? I wonder if I could talk to one of them?
The next day, we went on a trip to visit friends in Berkeley. We had a truck with a shell on the back that was a sort-of rolling bedroom, full of anything we might need for the baby. We were determined to raise him to enjoy traveling, and frequently took short trips to visit friends and family, or to attend interesting festivals outdoors.
When we arrived at our destination, a large, two story house surrounded by delicious smelling eukalyptus trees, our friend Will rushed to greet us. I could tell he was terribly attracted to Marissa, and she to him, and I knew that I would likely be spending the night with just me and Max in the truck tonight, as we had already discussed the fact that she badly needed to have sex. Will was a beautiful man, tall and handsome and slim and strong, a great dancer and acrobat, with a sweet disposition. His long, blonde hair was soft and warm smelling. I couldn't blame my friend one bit for wanting him, and thanked heaven I could still feel attraction to men as he hugged me close.
That night was a full moon, and I had trouble sleeping alone. I missed my girl, but not enough to cry over it, since I loved her enough to want her to be experiencing pleasure. To my surprise, the door to the truck opened an hour later!
She climbed in and got under the covers, holding me so tight I couldn't breathe, putting her hand between my breast as she spooned around me, just as always. This time, though, she was crying.
Alarmed, I turned in her arms and held her head to my chest, asking, "what's wrong, Sweetie?"
She borrowed into me, and I could feel her warm tears trickling to my breast.
"Oh, Sweetheart, tell me!"
I tilted her face up and held it with enough force to keep her from looking away. She was obviously embarrassed about something, and it worried me, since it was so unlike her to care what anyone thought. Fresh tears spilled form her eyes, and she said,
"I couldn't sleep with him. I lay there, wishing he had b-b-breasts!" With that revelation, she buried her head again, and whispered, "Please don't hate me, I would die if you hated me!"
"I'll never, ever hate you. You and Max are my world."
"Oh, God, you and Max are mine, too!" she exclaimed, sobbing, "But I love women, all of a sudden! And I don't want you to be afraid of me! But, I can't help it, I want them all the time!"
I just held her and rocked, not knowing what to say except to reassure her that I wouldn't abandon her. I couldn't bring myself to confess to her yet. Not yet. But when we got home, I was going to find that lesbian house and ask them for advice, first thing!
I made an excuse to visit Linda at her house the day after we got back. I sat with Linda in her living room, the baby asleep in a sling around my breast.
"What's wrong?" my blonde dreadlocked friend asked after seeing me fretting and fidgeting with my teacup.
I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I was doing this for my family, such as it was.
"I am in love with Marissa."
Oh god, it was out! I felt such relief!
"Is that bad?" Linda asked, genuinely curious as to why I would think it was wrong. This put me right at ease; at least somewhere in the world, someone thought loving women was normal.
"Wait, she doesn't know?" Linda asked. I shook my head.
"I'm so scared. What if something bad happens?"
She understood what I mean immediately. She patted my hand soothingly.
"Why do you think we all live together? It's as much for protection as comraderie"
"You're a lesbian, too?" I asked, surprised.
"No, I'm bi."
"Are you serious? You don't know? Oh, goodness, girl. Where were you raised? It's when women can love both sexes. It's really not that big a deal!"
I was so embarrassed. I had heard the word a few times, but wasn't sure what it meant. I felt very uncool. I also felt oddly ripped off. Why had no one ever talked to me about these things? Why had my mother raised me to be so naïve, yet always assuming I was somehow guilty of something dirty? I shook my head angrily.
"I swear, I am NOT raising my son to be as ignorant as my stupid parents!" I exclaimed.
"Good! Now, what are we going to do about you? How do you think she feels about you? Because, let me tell you, I have never seen a mere 'friend' devoting her entire existence to another 'friend' the way I've seen you girl do. If she isn't in love with you, I'll eat my hat!"
"God, I don't know. She is...attracted to women, a lot, and was really messed up over it a few days ago. Please don't tell anyone I said that! She was so upset that I would hate her!"
"No, I won't tell anyone! But, hey, you have to know that most of the town already thinks you're in love. You do, don't you?"
I must have looked a sight! I had never heard anyone talk to anyone in town about lesbians, let alone considered how it might look! I was red with embarrassment.
"Do they hate us?" I asked.
"God, no!" said Linda, waving her hand dismissively, "If anything, everyone seems to get a bit of a thrill from it, especially the men; they think you guys are sexy." She rolled her eyes, "Men are pigs."
"Wow. I don't know what to do," I was dazed, and needed a moment to think and breathe.
We walked out to her garden and talked about love, what it isn't, what it might be. She turned to me at one point and begged me to take a chance, saying she would stick by us, no matter what happened. This made me feel a little less nervous, and I began to hope.
"Okay. So. What if she doesn't want me?" I asked.
"I hardly think that's going to happen, but let's just pretend for a moment. What do you think you might say to her to get her to understand that it's alright for her to not want you back?"
This gave me food for thought, and also gave me a plan. I had already mostly worked out every other fear I had about telling her how I felt, and I somehow knew that Marissa would never abandon me, no matter how weird things might get when they were out in the open.
I picked a borage flower and ate it, thinking about dinner that night, and wanting to pick up some supplies. I left Linda with grateful hugs and went to the grocery store to prepare.
My heart sang as I finished making dinner, "My love! Come home!"
And she did, rushing in with a bouquet of wildflowers in her hand, her usual grubby cutoffs leaking sand on the floor, her warm skin brightened by another afternoon in the sun.
"What's this?" she asked, seeing that I had made dinner already. I leaned up to her cheek and kissed it, taking the flowers and filling my head with her gorgeous scent of beach combined with myrrh. I busied myself putting the flowers away in a mason jar; she knew I loved purple, and all the flowers were purple.
She looked around at the hardwood floor spread with our favorite table cloth, candles ready to be lit, plates and cutlery arranged, a Goddess statue surround by flowers in the center. She looked at me with a curious, happy smile.
"The baby is with Linda tonight. I pumped some milk for him. I thought it was about time for us to just be grown-ups for a while. With any luck, he'll stay sleep for a while."
Marissa grabbed me and hugged me tight, almost upsetting the plate of food I had in my hand. I laughed with joy.
We ate salmon and wild rice and chocolate souffle' with gusto. Who knew how much time we had left before the baby might need to come home? I was nervous and excited and almost...sad at the thought of our old life about to change in a way I couldn't predict. We had been happy here, far happier than any time I could ever remember being.
I had to start; it was now or never.
"Let's do a hot tub," I suggested.
"Ooh, yeah!" she agreed, and immediately stood and took her clothes off. God, I loved it when she did that! She was so unembarrassed about her body!
We got into the tub, and I watched her lovely tits float in front of her, hoping my milky c-cups would be tempting enough for someone who liked breasts. I looked down at mine, watching droplets of milk slowly mingle into the water.
"Are you inspecting them?" she asked, smiling.
"Heh, no," I said, "but the milk drips into the water and makes this kind-of smokey pattern before dissipating; it's kinda cool."
I felt the water slosh toward me as she surprisingly moved right up next to me. This, of course, caused the milk drops to disappear, and I laughed at her.
"Ok, I'll hold still," she said in a rather hushed voice. I felt a little thrill of hope as she waited patiently, staring at my nipples, waiting for the milk to drip. The awareness of her gaze made my breasts feel fuller, and I soon had more milk coming out than I expected.