It had been a long day, I was tired and sore, but I finally got to hold her in my arms. I smiled as I looked up at the one person who had been with me through it all. "She's perfect." I told my mom as I went to hand her over for a moment.
My mom couldn't even tear her eyes away from the baby in her arms long enough to answer me, "She is; she's beautiful just like her mother." I giggled at that, I wasn't feeling very beautiful at the moment, but I was happy, happier than I had been in a long time.
It had been worth it, every second of pain and every second of doubt, it had been worth it to hold her in my arms. As my mom handed her back to me, she asked what I would name her, "Rebekka Rose" I told her with a smile.
"I like it, well I'm going to tell everyone the good news." She told me as she walked out the door. I just lay there, rocking her gently back and forth. She was so good already and quite strong for the death grip she had on my finger. She was so small, but she had this radiance about her, that made her shine, and her little smile just lit her up even more. She had a little tuft of hair on her head, golden brown, her eyes pierced your soul, as if she could see you and all that you were, and her nose was so dainty, with just the slightest lift to it. I couldn't stop looking at her, she was everything I wanted and more, she was the perfect mix of us both.
As soon as this thought crossed my mind, my smile became a sad one, and tears gathered in my eyes. I held Rebekka Rose closer to me as I cried. "He would have loved you so much; he is already so ingrained in you. From your smile to the way you look at me. I can see him looking back at me through your beautiful eyes, eyes that are so like his." As I cried I started to feel tired, really tired. More tired than I had before, I fumbled around for the call button, until I finally found it. I pressed it and kept pressing it until someone came in the room.
By this point I could barely hold Rebekka in my arms. Over and over I said "Take her, take her" until I couldn't feel her in my arms any longer. My strength was failing and it was failing fast. I didn't have a clue what was going on, but I knew I needed to look at her. As I turned my head I watched many people rush in the room and just as the door swung shut I could see my mom's panicked face. Finally my eyes settled on Rebekka, and she was staring at me, looking close to tears. I could feel my eyes closing, but my body wouldn't listen to anything I was telling it.
Next thing I knew I was floating over everything and everyone. I could see the doctors and nurses rushing around me, I watched as the heart monitor went crazy, dropping and soaring or only to plunge again. I turned towards Rebekka to see her staring at me again, crying like she wanted me to pick her up. I heard the heart monitor go flat, so I turned to see everyone in a panic. As I turned back I saw him floating next to Rebekka. She floated up to be between us, she looked between us with a smile. I held my hands out to them both. Rebekka floated into his arms, and he held his hand out to me. I felt a sharp pain flare through me, the first thing I felt since my eyes had closed.
He gave me a sad smile, held Rebekka Rose close in his arms, looked at me and said "It's not your time yet love, go back, go back now love." As another spike of pain flared through me they grew dimmer, I reached out to them both, only to find them not there anymore and my eyes opening to bright lights and many people around me.
I looked around very confused as to what just happened. I finally caught someone's eye, a nurse, and she understood the look and explained to me what had happened. I had started to bleed again, it was rare that is happens, but it does happen, and they got everything under control but they did have to shock me a few times to bring me around. I didn't really understand what she said, so I asked for Rebekka and my mom. My mom came rushing in as soon as I asked, asking me if I was ok and crying and hugging me. I was so caught up in trying to comfort her that I didn't notice right away that the nurse still hadn't given me Rebekka to hold. I looked around to see where she was only to see a group of doctors around what had to be Rebekka. They suddenly looked over at me, when I asked to see here and rushed out of the room, bringing her with them. I asked nurse after nurse what was going on, but no one could tell me, my mom asked and no one told her anything.
Eventually they brought her back in to me. As I took her I knew something wasn't right. I looked down at her and noticed she was sleeping, but then I noticed her color was off. I looked up at the doctors and there expressions more than their words told me what I knew to be true. She was gone. My Rebekka Rose was gone. I had lost them both. Never would I see her beautiful eyes, or his through hers. Never would I hear her laugh or watch her grow up. Never would I see her first steps or hear her first word. Never would I get to teach her what she needed to know, never would I get to hold her again and know that she was mine. Never would I have the chance to tell her of her father, never would I get the chance to show her the world.
I just held her tight to my chest as my mom tried to hold me. I couldn't cry at first. I was in shock. It was when I looked down at her tiny face, and she looked like she was only sleeping, laying so peacefully in my arms did I crack. I started to cry, which I think relieved everyone, but then I couldn't stop crying. I was crying for Rebekka Rose, I was crying for the father she never knew, and the man who never had the chance to be a father, I was crying for me and I was crying because I didn't know how not too anymore.
After I while I just became too tired to do anything but lay there. They had taken her from me after a while. I laid there while my mom held me and my family watched me. I couldn't do anything; I didn't want to do anything. It felt like the life had been sucked right out of me. Eventually they made me leave, made me go home, told my family to watch me. I wasn't going to do anything. I had no energy to do anything, never mind what they obviously thought I was going to do. I laid in bed all day, didn't sleep much, didn't eat much, didn't talk at all, I couldn't. Or at least I couldn't for a little while. After some time I started to be with others again, be with family. I still didn't say much, but I was coming back around.
A couple months after she died, I was stilling outside with family, listening to them talk about things happening in their lives. When my grandmother turns to me and asks "So what happened? Why did she die so suddenly? Couldn't they have picked something up before she was born?"
Everyone was stunned into silence, I turned to her, stood up, and said "No." before walking away. I could hear people yelling at her for saying what she did, but I couldn't understand what they were saying. I was concentrating on not collapsing. I made it as far as inside the porch, before I collapsed into tears. My mom hot on my trail, soon had me in her arms, whispering in my ear that things would get better, that while the hurt would never leave, it would lessen over time.
I tried to believe her but I couldn't. I could deal with losing one of them as long as I had the other. But I don't have either of them. Rebekka was the reason I dealt so well with him dying. I couldn't fall to pieces, not while carrying her, but now I don't have a solid reason. I don't have someone counting on me, someone who will always be there when I need them to be and know how to help me with just a look, just like he could. But there is no one like that out there, not like him. I will never have that again.