Nothing is what it seems and nothing is ever for sure, I learnt that on that day; well afternoon I spent in the arms of my big gruff softie.
I was never meant to go fall, but in truth I guess I knew me; I knew I could never let such a sweet guy walk away. It was not always the case though; there was a time when we were almost bitter enemies.
For years we would go about our lives never really knowing the other existed, of course I knew who you were: but I had never really met you. Likewise I am sure you had heard of me, but had never moved in the same social circles as me...
And then it all changed, I went to a local council meeting; where you and others were. It was not our first meeting that did it; not even the second or third. It was after one of the worst moments of my life when you walked into my life, and still have not left thankfully!
Hearing that someone you knew passed away is hard enough for most of us to deal with, I am no exception. And like most when it is someone close; I too am often at a loss. But when it is someone you consider like part of your family, any loss is doubly felt.
And this was certainly the case with my Father Christmas, John. He was one of those old-fashioned gentlemen that seem to be dying out these days, he would give you his last cent & could always be relied upon. We quickly became best friends, but in truth it was always more than that.
He was like my big brother, my grandfather; his death left me with a hole I could never fill. On a night I was due to be honoured by my St. John division, I was trying to deal with this gaping void left by John's passing.
Standing there looking like a lost puppy, I felt alone & totally devastated. And then you walked in, heading in my direction; smiling. One hug was all it took if I am honest, that one hug making all difference to my evening. The next time we spoke was at John's funeral, you could tell I was not at my best; but still I could make a joke with you.
Making some comment about wanting to pass away on the way to see your mistress in your sports car, while being in your late 90's; made me smile. It also let me loose myself & my grief for a little while, giving me a moment to imagine what could be.
From that moment on, it was at the back of my mind. Every time we met we would hug, a greeting I have to admit I loved. It went on like this for ages, and then it all changed. HE walked, well breezed into my life. The guy I thought would turn out to be the man of my dreams, but clearly I was sorely mistaken.
Still I would see you about in town, a couple of times in the council meetings we would sit together. It would take his screwing up & some bizarre cup of coffee one afternoon for my thoughts to come flooding back.
Sitting in the hearing I watched how HE treated you with such contempt, the confusion of the feelings mixing with unsure emotions. I wanted to support HIM because I thought it was the right thing to do, but my heart was still with you in support. It broke my heart to think of the way he spoke to you, I just remember not saying anything.
Somehow I found myself sat next to you during the first of many "breaks" that hearing held, and for some reason my hand found a very comfortable position on your knee/thigh!! In truth, and because we were in the company of two councillors and two would be councillors; I never really planned to put my hand there... or allow it to stay for so long.
I half imagined you to have removed it quickly, I guess that was the first time I actually thought about you in "that" sort of light. Lord only knows what you would have thought if you could have seen my thoughts, it certainly made me blush! After you had left and the hearing had died down, the events between us played on my mind a little. Not enough to cause me problems (or you thankfully ~ well I hope not anyways) but enough to make me actually think twice about you.
I have to admit it took me a while to get the balls to ask you for that coffee, and in truth I am not sure if there was a hidden agenda to it; I suspect that this came later... you probably guessed as much. I would (if pressed) probably try to convince you that all I wanted was a hug and your company, and do not get me wrong I like that just as much!
As I sat in the cafe, I admit to being overly nervous; which made me smile... I never planned on the greeting I received from you; or for my nerves to kick in the way they did, I had only planned on coffee and a chat... about HIS treatment of me etc. Again as my hand found made itself comfortable on your leg, the thought of asking if it was okay went through my mind. (Yes I know) I was never thinking this far ahead, just could I get away with stroking your leg!
Never thought you would; 1: mention it. And 2: be okay with it... thanks for putting me at easy by the way! As you left me with two goodbye hugs and that guy I really did not want to be with, the thought flashed through my mind. Just as quickly as it had come, I put it to the back of my mind; but we both knew it would never have stayed there long! I have to admit when I asked you for another coffee, it was on my mind... I spent all that weekend trying to justify in my mind what I was thinking.
I went through a million and one questions and answers, I even tried to convince myself I was only asking you for coffee... man how bad does that sound? I even tried to find the right words to tactfully broach the subject with you, as I sat waiting for you that Monday; my stomach was in knots because of it. I would have probably still been thinking about saying something had you not taken the action you did young man! Might I just say that if you did that to shock me, it certainly worked... you are also the first person (in a long while) to shut me up!
Truth be told, if you had asked me to run around naked I would have agreed; I had no clue how we got from that kiss in public back to yours... I do not even know how the hell I got home! Not that I minded though, still have this stupid grin on my face and spring in my step; I missed both! Is it very wrong that I never felt guilty? For some reason I have this feeling that you did, not sure if you still do... sometimes I suspect that you do.
To be honest, I have no real idea how we got to where we are now; and don't you go saying by train or I will put you over my knee regardless of if your name is The Menace or not... I think we both would agree that there were moments when it was touch and go? For the record, I am of course flattered that you care enough about me to not be like most of the guys I seem to know. And for the record, I meant what I said about being sure and stuff... I know you, and trust you with my life; I would never have gone with you that Wednesday had I not felt comfortable enough with you!
While I might not be the "swinging from the chandlers" type of girl, it was not always like this... as I said, for those two and a bit years; I had some good fun! I am not sure if it was a desire for something more or that the "fun factor" wore off, either way it did change. And like I said, life got all "complicated" and stuff... I got all stressed out and no one to choke! It was not always fun, god some of the guys I met... makes me shudder! But overall, I had fun.
Somewhere between my "blowing a gasket" and stopping my "fun," I lost all my well-gained confidence and ability to just go out and do it all alone... if that makes any sense? I got to a stage in my life where I was like this bloody limpet, I just could not or did not want to be alone... I would never have been able to go to that club alone. And it is not really somewhere you can ask your folks to go with you, can you? So for that alone, thank you! And I suppose that was part of my point, when you asked if I was sure; I did it because I wanted to... but also because I had someone with me I could trust completely.
So now that I find myself having enjoyed (totally) being naked for a wonderful few hours with you, I can assure you I would like VERY much to do that again! (Can you tell?) I know that this is not exactly what you imagined to be reading, and I am sure this ending will leave you either wanting more; or a little disappointed... but I am a firm believer in the "keep something back ~ leave them wanting more" line of schooling... plus we can compare notes between what really happened; and what we would both have "liked" to have happened. (Now there is a challenge hey?)