It's starting to hurt. Breathing I mean, I can't exactly remember how this started, why I'm here and why I'm in pain. My brain feels fuzzy and I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open. Maybe I should talk to someone about myself, my feelings. I should introduce myself, shouldn't I? My name is Colton Stag and I'm 25. I work at a small company in the advertisement department. I guess I'm a good looking guy, blond hair that sits behind my ears and hazel brown eyes. I'm about 6' and I'm in shape. I wouldn't say I was tank, but I had the body of a runner.
I found out I was gay when I went camping with my buddy from school. I was 17 at the time and we were just fooling around in the tent. That night we gave each other blowjobs. It wasn't romantic and at the time I wasn't looking for romance. I wasn't a nice kid, I'll admit that now. I was horrid. I had a girlfriend and we broke up when she found me with another guys' legs wrapped around my waist. During high school I had a habit of cheating on my lovers and I became the school's man whore. It didn't really bother me because I was still getting laid.
My mom and step-dad found out I was gay when I was in University. It was Thanksgiving and I had brought a "friend" over for dinner. My family thought it was really nice that I would bring a friend over from school for the holidays. That night my "friend" and I were having sex in my old room. The old bed was banging against the wall and the mattress was creaking under our weight. That little slut couldn't keep his mouth shut and he kept moaning and crying out for my cock. My step-dad wasn't sure what was going on and he opened the door on us. Again, someone had caught me with a pair of legs around my waist. I wasn't too welcome at home anymore after that. I was pissed off because they couldn't accept that I was gay. I'm starting to realize now that it wasn't that I'm gay, it's because I'm an asshole.
In one year I went through 7 lovers, each one finding me with another pair of legs around my waist. I think you're catching onto a common theme aren't you? Yeah, I cheated on every single lover I have ever had. I'm an asshole and I'm surprised I even found Rob. I'm surprised that Rob even wanted me in the first place. Rob...I really do miss him right now. Ugh, my chest feels like there's an elephant sitting on it. So hard to breathe...
I met Rob in one of my third year classes. He was a bright kid; he had fantastic eyes for color. The design class was perfect for him and he got some of the best marks. I was jealous of him. But I was also really attracted to him. His long black hair was always tied up in a bun at the top of his head, and he wore black frames to hide his beautiful green eyes. His skin was pale, but not so much so. It was because he burnt easily and tried to stay out of the sun, he wasn't fond of skin cancer, he had told me.
We had to do a group project once. The proff put us in groups; he said that the reasoning for that was because in the 'real world' you weren't going to get a chance to pick who you worked with. Some of us groaned and whined about who we were with, but I wasn't. I was with Rob. I was so happy that I just sat in my seat at the back of the room. I saw Rob looking around, looking for me. He walked up to the proff and the teacher looked up at me. I quickly looked down at the assignment page. We had to make a web page; the best and most effective page was going to be used for an actual company. It was a great resume opportunity. I looked up when I heard the sound of boots approaching. It was Rob. My beautiful Rob.
He wore his favorite sweater, the black and gray stripped sweater and his white dress shirt and black jeans. His customary black leather boots were shiny and looked like they were brand new. He was smiling at me and reached his hand out for me to shake. "Hello," he said. Oh god his voice. His voice was soft and sweet. I instantly fell for him. I would've licked his boots if he asked me to.
"Hi," I said my voice confidant as I looked into his painfully shy green eyes. I wanted him so badly. I wanted him underneath me, withering and crying out my name.
"I guess we're working together, huh?" He shrugged as he sat beside me, crossing his sweet thin legs. He was amazing. Just the most beautiful man I had ever laid eyes on.
"I guess so," I smiled, "But that's not a bad thing is it?" I tucked a piece of my long hair behind my ears and he smiled and blushed a little. It was noticeable on his pale face. We talked about what we wanted to do with our project and we both had great ideas. I was going to do the lay out and he was going to do the color scheme and the rest we were going to do together. I was happy to be working with him, so happy that I asked him out for coffee. He eagerly said that he would be happy to.
The coffee shop I took him too was closer to my place then his, which worked out in my favor because I wanted to take him home with me later anyways. The shop was a favorite of mine because it had a nice laid back atmosphere and really great tasting coffee and muffins. In fact that was where I got my breakfast each morning.
"Oh, I always wanted to come here," he smiled. I let him pick our spot.
As we were getting ready to order I asked him why he hadn't before. "I don't get out much," was all he said. It made me wonder why he didn't go out often, but I let it be. It was our first date after all.
We had a great time, throughout that evening he kept rubbing his leg up and down my own. I knew he wanted me as well, but I really didn't want to screw things up with Rob. I really liked him, a lot. But each time he did it I smiled and I touched his hand. I drove him back to his small apartment and kissed him at his door. He said that he'd see me tomorrow and winked as he shut the door. I was so painfully erect that as soon as I got back to my place I ran into my bedroom and jacked off, cumming in less then three jerks.
About now you must be thinking, 'wow you've changed a lot since your first year!' Well, no, not really. I was still fucking people, but they were all one night stands. I made sure to use the rubber and I wouldn't drink any cum. And I never let anyone touch me...back there. But the longer Rob and I worked together the more and more I wanted him to touch me there. There was something about him that made me feel so comfortable around him, and I really did care for him. But we never once had sex. We kissed, and talked and touched, but it was nothing that went beyond that. But I could tell that Rob was getting close, that he really wanted me as well.
We handed in our project, and while we didn't win we got the second highest mark in the class. The Proff said that I fudged up the second page layout a bit and it wasn't completely user friendly. I apologized to Rob, saying how sorry I was for messing up our chances. He kissed me, open with tongue, and said that it was fine. That was the night we first had sex. I gently made love to him. He cried for it to be harder and faster and I happily obliged.
We were dating for about five months. I hadn't cheated on him once in those five months and we were dating seriously, I was proud of myself. I thought, "Wow, Rob has really changed me." I was deeply in love with him and I could tell just by looking in his eyes that he was in love with me. I was going to give him my most precious gift. My virginity.
It was after our weekly date in the coffee shop, I brought him to my place. We were kissing on the couch, my roommate was out with his girlfriend, and he moaned into my mouth.
"Colt, I want you," he huffed, taking his shirt off. I could feel his erection pressing into my leg. I was nervous about asking him to take me, but I wanted him to be my first, and my only.
"I...I want you Rob," I nibbled onto his ear. He pushed me back, with tears in his eyes. "Rob, I want you to take me." I was so nervous that it came out as a small whisper. I could tell that my face was bright red but I didn't care. I wanted him to know how much he meant to me, and that one little act told him all he needed to know.
"Yes," was all he said as his kissed me. He took my hand and led me to my bedroom. As we sat down we slowly undressed each other taking our time to kiss any revealed skin. Once my jeans were pulled off he kissed my penis through my boxer briefs and said that I had the best cock ever. I chucked and told him that I liked him best. "Yeah?" He asked, looking into my eyes. I could feel the heat of his love just by looking back into his green orbs.
"Yeah," I smiled taking his hand and kissing it. "I love you, Rob. I want you to take me."
"I love you too, Colton."
I couldn't believe how much it hurt when he started to push into me. But then again I did ask for it. He had three fingers in me when I moaned, "Rob, I need you in me now." I was in such a lusty haze I didn't stop to think how much it would hurt. He told me to take a deep breath and to push out and his penis head popped inside me. Rob was patient with me and waited till I said he could start moving. I felt very full with him in me. He was about 8" fully hard and I was about 7.5". We were both big boys, but he never complained when I was in him. And once he started to move I understood why. Once he hit my prostate I jumped out of my skin and yelled his name. It was amazing. Rob made slow love to me that night.
We often took turns having sex with each other, cherishing the moments and the feelings. After university we found jobs at two different companies, and we were still dating. I still hadn't cheated on him and I felt it was time to seal us together. Marriage. I wanted Rob to be my husband. I wanted him for the rest of my life, and just him. When I asked him to marry me, he pulled me up from my knee and kissed me while whispering "yes" over and over again.
When my parents finally met Rob they were satisfied that I was better and that Rob had finally tamed me. They agreed to help us with the wedding and they wanted Rob to call them Mom and Dad.
Our wedding was small and sweet. We both wore white tux and we walked down the aisle together, holding hands. Rob looked absolutely beautiful. His long black hair was resting well below his shoulders and he wore contacts, letting everybody see his bright green eyes. They were no longer painfully shy, but instead showed all the love he had for me. At the end of the ceremony we kissed, it was the most intimate kiss I had ever had and I promised myself that I would never hurt my love. Never.
When I got back to work every one congratulated me, saying how happy they were for me and my new husband. I couldn't stop smiling. Now you must be thinking, 'this is when the shit hits the fan, isn't it Colton?' And you would be right. I had a co-worker who kept making eyes at me. He was handsome, I won't deny it. He was chiseled like a Greek god and he wanted me. We had sex in the photo copy room. On the day that I got back to work. After my wedding. I wanted to puke.
Why? After all that time? Why would it snap in me? I never wanted to hurt him, Rob was the love of my life and I cared for him more then myself. I wanted to protect him and not hurt him. But that's what had happened. I think he knew what happened from the very beginning, I started to distance myself from him. I didn't touch him, but instead I let him ravage me. He knew something was up, but never said anything. Maybe he knew what happened and just refused to accept it. Even I refused to accept it. I didn't want to hurt my baby. I loved him, I loved him, I loved him....Loved him. That's fucked up! It's not "loved" it's "love". Even now I still love him. I would do anything to make that moment disappear forever.
What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't know why I do it! Can I tell you a secret? I loved every one in my life. All my past lovers, even the boy I brought to my family for Thanksgiving. I wouldn't have brought him home if I hadn't. But out of all of them I loved Rob the most. I married him for fucksake!
And to make matters worse, I told him while he was fucking me.
"You did what?" He asked calmly as he pulled out.
"I accidentally had sex with a co-worker," I whispered, looking down to the floor.
"FUCK!" He jumped off the bed and looked at me, his bright green eyes looked down at me in despair. "FUCK! Colton, did you "accidentally" stick your dick in his ass? Did he "accidentally" beg for your cock as you pound into him? Did you "accidentally" forget our WEDDING vows?" He yelled. His voice wasn't soft, it was harsh and angry. He sounded very much like the man he really was.
I had nothing to say to him. I knew that there was nothing that I could say to make it any better. "How long has this been going on? How long have you been cheating on me?" He whispered. I don't think he wanted to know. Truth was it was a one night stand and it didn't make me feel good. But it wouldn't have mattered anyways. "I thought you loved me..."
"I do love you, please believe me..." I started to cry. I finally hurt him. My life was repeating its self. I was a horrible person.
"I wish I could, Colton. I really wish I could." He was freakishly calm and pointed to the door. "I want you gone, please. I can't trust you anymore."
"Please! Give me a second chance! I love you Rob!" I cried even harder when he slapped me across the face then started to pack my bags.
I was in the streets looking for a hotel that night. I had officially ruined my life.
Things didn't get better either. And you're probably thinking 'serves you right, asshole'. But I really wanted something to make me smile. I felt like my life was over and it killed me on the inside each day knowing that I ruined the best thing that has ever happened to me. At work I got fired. My boss found out what happened and didn't like it because I guess I fucked his lover. At least I wasn't the only cheating asshole out there, but it didn't make me feel better. I was living in a hotel, my parents had disowned me when Rob phone and told them what had happened and I got devoice papers, personally from Rob. He didn't look me in the eyes, but instead he calmly said, "I think it's time we move on, Colton."
He gave me the ring on his left had before he left. I wanted to kill myself, but I knew that was giving me a mercy I didn't deserve.
I got a phone call today. I answered my cell phone while I was job searching, it didn't say who it was and I was shocked when the person on the other line introduced themselves from the hospital.
"Hello, my name is Amy from the General Hospital. Are you Colton Stag?"
"Robert Deseray has you listed as his husband, is that correct?" I was shocked, Rob didn't send in the files. We were still married.
"Yes. Is something the matter? What happened?" I asked, something had happened to Rob and I wanted to be there for him.
"I regret to inform you that Robert just passed away." I wanted to punch this "Amy from the General Hospital". How could she say that Rob was dead? He was fine just a few months ago... "We would like you to come to the hospital to fill in some forms for us. Please come in as soon as you can."
"Yeah...Of course I'll be there in 20 minutes..."
"Thank you. We are truly sorry for your loss Mr. Stag." As soon as she hung up I burst into tears. It wasn't fair! Why does he die? He didn't deserve to die, he was a great man and he should have lived for years and years...
Once at the hospital I felt numb. People were bumping into me, but I couldn't feel it. I walked up to the desk and told them my name and why I was there. The ladies at the desk gave my hand a pat as they gave me the forms. Things were happening so fast I couldn't really tell you what I was signing and why. I wanted to see him. I wanted to see Rob for the last time.
"Can I see him?" I croaked. The ladies nodded and showed me the way to the morgue. They ran into the doctor who was on his case and he brought me instead. He was cold when he found out who I was.
The doctor took Rob out of his cooling case.
"I'll give you a few minutes."
"What happened?" I asked, looking at Rob. His skin was pale, worse then usual, his lips were blue and thankfully his eyes were closed. I couldn't bare to see what those green orbs looked like now. His body was covered by a white cloth from his neck down.
"Looks like suicide. His cut his wrists in the bath tub. His mother-in-law found him laying in a tub with his wrists open, not moving." I looked into the asshole doctors' face, right into his eyes. 'Where the hell were you, fag? If he's your husband, where were you when he tried to die?' He didn't say it out loud but I could see it. I know that's what he was thinking. The doctor had a call and said he would be right back. I took that moment to look at him, at Rob.
I pulled his cold arm out to see the damage. He had cut deep into his wrists, over and over again. I imagine it was because of our devoice. I started to cry.
"I love you Rob. I really, really do love you...Please forgive me, Rob. Please..." I kissed his dead cold lips and fell to the ground sobbing. The doctor came back in a rush and shooed me out. He had an emergency he needed to attend to.
I started to drive home. It was dark and it started to rain lightly. Nothing heavy and I could have seen out the window. I could have. If I wasn't crying to hard. Before I knew it, I was driving on the wrong side of the lane. Head to head collision. I was thrown into a ditch. Ahh, now I remember. I'm laying in a ditch, my car is pining me to the ground and I think there's a piece of glass in my chest. Some where.
It's getting real hard to breathe now. I wish I was at home making love to Robert right now. I wish I was there, holding him and telling him how much I love him. I wish we could have started a family. I wish I wish I wish.
I ruined my chance.
I love you, Rob. I really, really do. Please, believe me.
I love you.