tagHumor & SatireScience via Sex: Chemical Bonding

Science via Sex: Chemical Bonding


Ever thought that chemistry was simply too hard or abstract to understand? Well, how about an explanation of a few major concepts using something everyone can understand: sex. Much of what happens at an atomic level can be summarised as atoms having sex in various positions with many interesting outcomes.

A fundamental principle of chemistry, that many find rather challenging, is bonding. There are two major types of chemical bonds; ionic and covalent. Let's start with ionic bonding.

Ionic bonding involves the bonding of a metal and a non-metal via the transfer of elections. It is all about filling electrons shells. In short, atoms are ridiculously small spheres which have protons and neutrons in the middle and electrons occupying space around them in regions of space called shells (not 100% accurate I know, but we will stick with shells rather than orbitals). We will consider metals to be males and non-metals to be females.

We are all very aware that women have various holes; pussy, ass, mouth. In like manner, non-metals have 'holes' in their electron shells as they don't have enough electrons to completely fill their outer shells. Metals have lone (or unpaired) electrons in their outer electron shells, meaning these electrons 'protrude', as it were, from the atom. Males have a protrusion in the form of their cock. Metals wish to get rid of their protruding electrons (same as guys want to get rid of an erection via sexual activity of some sort) while non-metals seek to fill their electron holes. When an atom has a complete outer electron shell (either having lost or gained electrons), it is stable. And that is why they form ionic bonds. We will use sodium (a metal) bonding to chlorine (a non-metal) as an example.


Chlorine is desperate to fill the gaping hole in her outer shell while sodium wants to get rid of his lone electron that is jutting out from his otherwise filled shells. Neither can gain satisfaction alone, despite concerted effort, so Chlorine goes for a night out at the local bar in the hope of finding a willing partner to bond with. Sodium is a regular at the bar so they were invariably going to run into each other at some point in the night. The first time they meet, the attraction was unmistakable.

"Oh Chlorine, I can feel the attraction between us. I simply can't resist that hole in your outer shell. Let me fill it please?" Sodium whispers to Chlorine.

"Yes, I want it, I need it! I can't wait until later, let's do it right here!" Chlorine moans in reply.

The two atoms move closer and thrust into each other energetically. Chlorine takes sodium's lone electron deep into her hole, gasping as she feels the wonderful sensation of her hole finally being filled.

Sodium can't hold on any longer and his electron flows into Chlorine, leaving her outer shell completed. He also feels satisfied, his electron no longer protruding painfully for all to see. The two now stick to each other as their opposite charges attracting. Sodium and chlorine are no longer atoms, they are now ions (charged atoms with complete outer shells). The compound they now make is sodium chloride (chemical formula: NaCl).


And here is where a bit more chemistry is needed. Electrons have a negative charge. This means that if a metal loses an electron, it loses a negative charge meaning it is now positively charged. Think of it this way, if you get rid of a negative thing in your life, you become more positive. If you get more negatives, you become negative in your outlook. This is the same for non-metals, they gain electrons (having sucked or pulled the electron off the metal) meaning they become negatively charged overall.

What happens if sodium, which only has one electron in its outer shell, was to bond with say phosphorous which has three holes in its outer electron shell? Sodium can only fill one hole meaning Phosphorous will not be satisfied as she wants all three holes filled. So what can Sodium do? The answer is; have a gangbang.


Phosphorous was feeling very adventurous and yearned to not only fill one hole, but all three at the same time. She really found sodium quite attractive but knew he couldn't fill all her holes by himself so she suggested he bring a few friends to help out. She felt so aroused at the thought of soon being filled by three metals at the same time, having them eject their electrons into her.

Phosphorous had just finished getting herself prepared when she heard Sodium arrive at her place, closely followed by two of his friends (also sodium atoms). She opened the door and invited them in, feeling the energy between them as they passed by. She wasn't in the mood for foreplay so she quickly shut the door, moved to the middle of the room and put her holes on display for the Sodiums to see.

"What are you boys waiting for? Come fill my holes with those electrons, I want to suck them off each one of you at the same time!" Phosphorous declared.

The Sodiums grinned in excitement at each other and quickly got into position around her, feeling their electrons throbbing at the sight of each gaping hole.

Phosphorous began to suck the electron off of one of the Sodiums while sliding her other accommodating holes onto the waiting electrons of the other two atoms.

"Oh yeah, take those electrons!" One of the Sodiums called out.

There was no need for additional thrusting, Phosphorous could feel the sodium atoms lose their electrons into each of her holes, the sensation causing her to vibrate slightly with the extra energy that surged through her.

"Yes, fill my holes with those big electrons." Phosphorous cried out in pleasure.

While only quick (less than a nanosecond which is a billionth of a second), the atomic sex was amazing. Phosphorous looked down excitedly at her now filled outer shell while the Sodiums, having lost their outer electrons, high-fived each other in a show of excited achievement.

All satisfied, the four remained in a group forming the compound sodium phosphide (formula; Na3P).


As you can see from the example above, metals only have a set number of electrons (this depends on their location in the periodic table of the elements but generally between one and three) in their outer shell that can be lost and non-metals can have more than one hole in their electron shell (again, this depends on the location of the non-metal in the periodic table but usually between one and three holes). If a metal has insufficient electrons to fill the non-metals holes, an additional metal atom is required. Conversely, if a metal has say three outer electrons (like a guy having three cocks) but the non-metal only has one hole in its out shell (think of a woman who only wanted to fill her pussy), three non-metal atoms would be needed.

So that is a crash course on ionic bonding; it's all about non-metals sucking electrons off metals to fill their holes and having the same number of electrons as holes (ie same number of cocks as holes so that everyone is satisfied). But there is a second major type of chemical bond we will also briefly consider and that is covalent bonding.

Covalent bonding involves two or more non-metal atoms sharing electrons to complete their outer shell. While they don't gain additional electrons (as they hold onto the ones they have but also share them with the other atom), they can still fill the holes in their outer shells. Again, we will consider non-metals to be women. However, this analogy is not as clear/easy-to-follow as the ionic bonding one so you need to take it in good humour, as it was intended.

As covalent bonding involves only non-metals bonding, and for our analogy non-metals are women, we will consider this form of bonding via lesbian sex.

Remember that bonding is all about filling electron shells either by gaining or losing electrons. But as women do not have cocks, but they still want to have one or more of their holes filled, how do they go about doing so? Here is where the wonderfully simple but effective double-dildo comes into action. The double-dildo allows each woman to have a hole filled at the same time as the other and both share the pleasure. Just as one double-dildo is needed for each hole (ie one for pussy into pussy, another for ass into ass, etc), so too with electrons, one covalent bond consists of one electron from one of the non-metals filling the hole of the other, while that atom shares one of its electrons to fill the hole of the first. Sounds confusing? Let's look at an example of this in action. To begin with, we will go with hydrogen bonding to chlorine to make hydrogen chloride (hydrochloric acid, chemical formula: HCl).


Hydrogen wasn't certain about trying but the desire to be satisfied was more than enough to push any doubt from her mind. Chlorine was right in front of her, she had spread her stunning hole open and already had one end of a double-dildo inserted, the other end pointed directly at Hydrogen.

Hydrogen moved closer and slipped the dildo deep into her outer shell. Both atoms moaned in pleasure as they firmly gripped the double-ended toy, relishing the feeling of having finally completed their outer shells. The two were strongly bonded as their holes gripped onto the toy now rapidly oscillating in and out of each of them at close to the speed of light.

"Oh that feels amazing!" Hydrogen called out.

"I want to keep sharing this toy between us forever!" Chlorine gasped in reply.


As was mentioned above, the analogy is not great as you have to imagine that each end of the double dildo is one lone electron from that atom. Each atom contributes one electron to the bond (making an electron pair which is energetically stable) and they then swap this back and forth at extremely high speeds meaning that they have at any given point (from a probability point of view) a complete outer electron shell which means they are stable. There is no real anatomical equivalent to represent this in females (ie they don't have anything that I can think of which both is penetrative and also able to be penetrated at the same time) so the double dildo is as good as I could think of.

So what happens when one of the atoms wants more than one hole filled? We'll start with an incestuous example to begin with that describes the formation of diatomic (meaning two atoms) molecules (which are usually gases such as hydrogen gas, nitrogen gas, etc). The example below is that of oxygen bonding with its twin sister to form the oxygen molecule (formula: O2) which is what we breath.


Everyone knew that the oxygen twins liked to stick together, but they may not have realised just how close the two were nor how incredibly naughty they could be. The two identical atoms had an insatiable appetite for double penetration; having one hole filled was never enough, they wanted both holes filled at the same time.

As they slid down onto the first toy, they hummed in excitement as their first hole was filled, then slowly positioning the second toy at the opening of their second holes, they thrust vigorously into each other, moaning as the second toy filled them forming a double bond.


While they hadn't transferred electrons, their shells were completed as they were sharing the electrons back and forth. As both atoms were filling two gaps in their electrons shells, they each had to share two electrons meaning a total of four electrons were being swapped back and forth. Two electrons form one bond (one double-dildo) so the extra two electrons (the second double-dildo) formed a second bond which is called a double bond. Some non-metals can form triple bond also (think of it as two women using three double dildos to fill their ass, pussy and mouth at the same time). Triple penetration equals a triple bond.

A final quick concept to consider is that of slightly large covalent compounds. From the examples above, it was seen that hydrogen has only one gap in its electron shell while oxygen has two. So in order for oxygen to be completely filled, hydrogen will need a friend.


Both Hydrogens looked so cute as the spread their holes in front of Oxygen. Much smaller than her, the Hydrogens were also not very experienced. While Oxygen had said she wanted to do double penetration, the two Hydrogen atoms were only keen to have one hole filled.

Oxygen slowly eased each double ended toy into her gaping hole and eased in between the Hydrogens. The energy between them was electric; all participants were becoming more and more excited as the toys, protruding from either side of oxygen, drew closer to the waiting holes of each Hydrogen atom.

"I can't wait anymore, please shove it in!" One of the hydrogens called.

With a wicked grin, oxygen slammed both toys into the hydrogen atoms simultaneously causing a gasp to escape from all three of them.

"Oh yes, I'm completely filled" Oxygen groaned as they arranged themselves in a more comfortable bent shape, now forming the molecule; water (formula: H2O)


The maximum number of covalent bonds able to be formed by non-metals is four. Carbon and silicon are generally the only ones able to form four bonds but there are special cases where a different form of bond can be made (called a coordinate covalent bond) but I have no idea how to explain that via sex!

Hopefully some of the above has made it a bit easier to understand the concept of chemical bonding, although the analogies are horribly limited in accuracy. At the very least, I hope you get a laugh out of the explanations. Just remember that ionic bonding was about metals and non-metals bonding (men fucking women) while covalent bonding involves non-metals bonding with other non-metals (lesbians using double dildos).

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