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Click hereon the bed, an elfin woman named Jayne
naked, knees flexed, face wet;
she's clasping the red quilt under her chin
same room, different woman
this one an Amazonian blonde,
nude, bar an open kimono
leaning on the doorframe, smoking
holding a sake cup, leering.
leap forward to midday next
to Jayne, this time on the main street; a blonde in black silk passes,
not that other woman but someone with a passing similarity
jayne is paralysed, heart frantic, pushed about by the lunch time crowds
and her purse falls and bursts, spurting coins all over the pavement
hysterical, Jayne struggles to scrape them up, breaking a nail
and she tastes her tears before she realises she's weeping.
what ang said; bizarre contrasting
leap forward to...
jayne is paralysed
this could either be cleaned up...
same room, different woman
this one an Amazonian blonde,
...or brought more in line with
not that other woman but someone with a passing similarity
There is a high degree of mystery here, don't lose it by adding more detail
100 of course
This rather reads like a precis to a story before it is fleshed out and I know you can do better :)
That's somewhat disconcerting to me. The story is vivid and I love the images but for me it would work better with fewer words and shorter lines or as a full-out prose poem. This way it seems caught between the two and I fear its impact overall is constained as a result. But just my opinion! :-)
compressed storytelling. Several scenes of an intruiging movie in a few lines. Recommended.