The boy hit the water, his knees pulled tight to his chest, splashing Sadie and her friend Joey.
"You're a fuck, Josh!" Joey shrieked even though the boy was under water and could not hear her shouts.
Sadie sucked in a deep breath and trembled momentarily when the icy cold water soaked her back.
Shit, she thought. I've gotta keep my back to the river so that no one will see that I don't have any nipples on these monsters I've created under my tee shirt.
Sadie didn't have breasts like her female companions. Hell, she admitted to herself on many occasions, I didn't have breasts as big as my chubby male friends. Inside her head the idea of being the flattest female on the beach cast her as the weakest woman in the chorus line. The embarrassment of her boyish physique always pushed her to the edges of the crowd, her insecurities rearing up whenever she caught sight of her figure in profile. Her chest looked like a young boy's: flat and featureless save the small pink nipples. And that tugged at her heart.
Hours of exercise, gobs of creams and lotions, Far Eastern mantras, well meant speeches about 'being yourself,' and buckets of tears had no noticeable effect on her bust and implants cost more than she made in a year working at her crappy job. It made her heart ache some nights. Everything else on me is okay, she thought as she wept herself to sleep some nights, why couldn't I have just a little bit?
At last, Sadie tried a new approach: a deception with a new group of people. The lie she was playing made her feel sad but the boost to her confidence outweighed her regrets.
Everybody in her new circle of friends drooled over her fake tits, drinking in the shear mass of them: everybody but Billy. Sadie thought Billy was the most exciting male of the bunch. Dark haired and brooding, Sadie thought he was smart, sarcastic and more than a little detached from the group, but the harder she tried to impress him the less he seemed to notice her. It didn't matter to her, now. With her fake knockers in place she had plenty of other male attention.
The weather started to turn cool that afternoon and the other girls began to wrap their arms around their ample breasts to hide the nipples that stood proudly above the mounds of flesh they carried so proudly.
"Fuck," Joey barked. "I hate it when it when my nips boink out like this."
"Wha?" Sadie intoned only half listening to her friend.
"My nips... It hurts like a mother-fucker when they crank up like this. Doesn't it hurt yours when you get a chill?"
"Of course," Sadie responded quickly, maybe too quickly she thought. "It hurts everybody," she added to cover her tracks.
Joey nodded and then massaged her erect nipples through the lycra material of her swimsuit twisting them back and forth savagely. Joey sucked in a deep breath as she did.
"But, that feels so fuckin' good, it's worth it."
Sadie just nodded fighting back tears. She had always been so self-conscious that she would never allow a guy to touch her chest much less fondle her featureless physique.
"Hey, Billy. Wanna warm up my nipples," Joey shouted pointedly at the dark man. He glanced up but continued digging for undiscovered treasures buried in the sand. Sam, the dork, scrambled up the dune and stood before Joey panting.
"I'll do it," he yapped enthusiastically.
"Fuck off, Sam!"
Joey treated most men with a certain disdain but she always focused first on Billy when it came time to tease the opposite sex. Joey had a lot of boyfriends. A lot more than Sadie ever had, but Sadie had never tried to lure boys into her web with the promise of carnal delights.
Sam, the dork, turned towards Sadie now.
"Do you need anything, Sadie? I mean anything?"
Sadie felt she was reaping the rewards that possessing well-formed teats in a world which placed such a premium on outward appearances could offer.
"Fuck... off, Sam!" Joey snapped cruelly.
Sam blushed and scurried down the dune back towards the rest of the group. Sadie had been hanging around this gang of people for about six months and in that time she managed to avoid: two skinny dip parties and one 'group grope.' She wasn't sure how much longer she could go unnoticed as a woman with apparently huge titties that were seemingly untouchable.
Sadie needed to pee after the coolness of the water brought on a chill.
"I gotta pee," Sadie mumbled to Joey as she rose. "Make sure Sam doesn't follow me, okay?"
"Hey, Sam!" Joey yelled just as Sadie disappeared in the bushes along the river's edge. "Come, show me your tiny wienie!"
There was a peal of laughter from the rest of the group and Sadie figured everybody would be otherwise occupied while she relieved herself.
Deep in the reeds and tulles along the top of the bank Sadie slid her shorts down her slim legs and squatted down. A quiet splashing sound was all Sadie could hear above the wind rustling the tall bushes around her.
Sadie stood up looking for something to wipe with. The tulles were covered in a layer of filthy dust and everything else at hand looked about as soft as steel wool.
"Damn it," she muttered.
Sadie pulled her tee shirt over her head, snagging her cloth-padded bathing suit bra. Both pulled over her head as one.
The wadded material encased inside her bra sprang from her ribcage showering into the ground near her feet. Sadie picked through the pile and snapped up an old pair of torn cotton panties to dab at her tender parts. After tossing the panties into the reeds she started to repack her front bumpers. A face outlined in the tulles, just yards away, startled her. The face was staring directly at her, scaring Sadie half to death.
Billy's expression didn't change as Sadie clutched an arm load of panties, tank tops, and wash clothes to her minuscule breasts in hopes of keeping her secret safe. Inside, Sadie wanted to break down and cry. She liked these people but now she'd have to find a new crowd with her secret discovered.
Slowly, the frame of reeds and tulles closed in as Billy's face receded from Sadie's view. Sadie decided she would, at least, exit with dignity. Repacking her bra she made up her mind: when she was declared a fake she would denounce the accusers and Billy as liars and in a fit of indignation, storm off. If any doubts lingered she would simply find another, less inquisitive group to impress with her faux charms.
A fire was roaring on the sand when Sadie finally wandered back. On the edge of the light cast by the blaze Billy sat alone as usual. Sadie eyed him suspiciously. Billy rarely pushed himself into the middle of the group, always seeming to keep a distance. Sadie could not figure out why but now was happier for it.
"Thought you got raped."
Sadie jumped when Joey spoke from behind her.
"Jesus, you scared the shit outta me..." Sadie panted.
"I thought you had to piss."
"Whatever. Just don't sneak up on people." As soon as Sadie said those words she felt her stomach twist into a knot and the picture of Billy's face outlined by reeds and bushes haunted her.
Sadie chose her words carefully. "What's with Billy?"
Joey clucked her tongue. "He's a weirdo. Always kinda hanging around on the edges. Whatever we do, he's there... but not really. I don't know," Joey shrugged and stared towards the orange glow in the heart of the fire. "He's kinda cute, but too much trouble. There's plenty of other guys 'round here to fuck." With that Joey sauntered directly behind some hairy gorilla named Vito and slapped both her open palms flat against his ass. Vito jumped slightly and spun around to face Joey.
"Ya wan' soma dis?" The big man slurred through his thick New Jersey accent while he snaked his arms around Joey's slender waist and pulled her tight against his hairy bulk. The sight of it gave Sadie a creepy feeling in her gut. Joey played at being captured briefly and then gave in, plucking at the top button on his shorts with her index finger. Sadie felt she might barf.
It was getting cold and Sadie moved closer to the fire while Joey and the 'Jersey monkey boy' edged off into the darkness for the... hairy unthinkable.
Sadie peered into the flames for a long time. It isn't fair that some girls have big knockers, so big that they get breast reductions, she reasoned. Sadie only wanted to feel 'normal.'
When she glanced up again she realized almost everybody had wandered off into the darkness. She scanned the light from the bonfire and noticed few were left behind. The only ones still by the fire were her and Sam, the dork, who sat next to some obese girl, Sadie had never seen before. The girl was listening intently to Sam's stupid story about urinating in the sink at an away football game when he was in high school. He told everybody that story, she thought, shaking her head sadly.
The fat girl giggled at something Sam, the dork, whispered. They rose together and wandered into the darkness, Sam clutching her chubby pale paw in his. She was left alone, again. Shoving her hands deep into her pockets she turned away from the fire to dry her tears in the cool breeze that had picked up.
After kicking at the sand with her toe for a few moments she began to bawl and stumbled into the darkness to have a good cry.
"Hey, why aren't you out scroggin' with everybody else?" Away from the fire's glow a voice came out of the darkness.
Sadie sniffed and wiped her eyes quickly. "Um... who's there?"
As the figured neared her she made out a shape in the darkness.
"It's Billy," was the soft response.
"Yeah, whatta you want?" Tension painted her voice. She didn't know Billy very well and was unsure of his intentions. Sadie had reasoned that Billy might not fit in because he was skinny and wasn't very macho, something that was highly valued with the guys in this group. Or, she thought, maybe it was Billy's lack of hygiene: his hair was always unkempt and the clothes he wore looked like a pile of rags glued to his body.
"It's okay, Sadie."
"Whatta ya mean?" Sadie snapped.
Billy sighed. "Can I walk with you?"
"Okay." Sadie answered suspiciously.
"I kinda thought somethin' was up with you." Sadie held her breath for a moment as Billy continued. "Ya know, some of us have secrets, too."
Sadie kept her guard up. She did not know where Billy was taking this conversation.
"Most everybody does, I guess," he finished.
Neither one of them spoke for a long time, but continued to walk until they reached the point where the river met the bay. Sadie was beginning to feel more comfortable with Billy in the darkness.
Usually when Sadie was alone with a man she felt a terror build up inside her gut. Not a fear that they might rape her but that she might be inadequate: unable to measure up to the rest of the women that person might have had before.
In her heart, Sadie felt she wanted a man to share her life but most times she felt she just wanted a friend. But she wanted a friend to share who could share her sex excitement. She enjoyed the thrill of an orgasm and the closeness of two bodies--actually, she loved it--but when the lights came on afterwards she always found herself scrambling to throw on a shirt so that the guy, she had just shared supreme physical joy with, wouldn't notice her flat chest. Sadie did not feel she was good enough for most men, and moreover, any man that took her to bed did it because he couldn't get a girl with real tits.
Standing with her toes digging in the sand she felt good, despite the fact Billy knew her secret. Maybe he was different than the rest of the guys she thought.
Cautiously, Sadie slipped her hand into Billy's and laced her fingers in between his. She turned towards him to gauge his reaction to her bold move. In the darkness Sadie could see Billy staring straight ahead into the inky water ignoring the rest of the world. Now Sadie squeezed his hand gently and pressed it against her stomach, still Billy gave no response.
Sadie sucked in a deep breath of surprise. "Oh, shit!" She blurted out as she shook her hand free of Billy's. "You're gay aren't you?" Sadie was already stomping back towards the fire as she finished.
"No... I... Sadie wait!" Billy cried out.
Sadie stopped with tears welling up in her eyes. She thought maybe she had found a kindred spirit and possibly a lover: someone who might accept her for who she is... and he turns out to be gay. She was heartbroken.
Bill caught up to her and stopped directly in front of her.
"Sadie..." he hesitated. "I got pretty messed up by my step-father and I... didn't know how to avoid, um..." Billy sighed heavily now. Sadie could see in the dim light Billy's slight frame sag. It was confession time and Sadie wanted to help Billy say whatever needed to be said.
"What, Billy? I don't care. You didn't tell anybody about me. I'll keep your secret." Sadie leaned towards Billy and put her hand on his shoulder and pulled him close.
"Sadie, I'm not what you think..." he stammered.
Sadie slid both arms around Billy now and hugged him tight to her body despite the padding she carried 'up front.'. It felt good, in Sadie's mind, to hold someone so close.
"Sadie, I'm a girl!" Billy blurted out.
Sadie reeled backwards away from Billy while a roaring sound filled her head. Sadie's mind raced: had she been duped by some crazy, and possibly dangerous, lezzy chick who lured her out--away from her friends--where Billy could kill her and cut out her heart or something more intimate? Worse, Sadie thought, Billy might make her 'the bitch' for some fat dyke who wore a crewcut and kept her wallet on a chain connected to her size 48 waist, 501 Levis.
Sadie turned and sprinted back towards the fire and to safety.
"Sadie!" Billy's voice echoed in her ears. "Sadie, wait!"
Sadie's calf muscles burned as she finally staggered back into the warmth of the fire. With no one to feed the blaze--all were preoccupied with sexual festivities--it had turned the bone white driftwood into embers of deep orange, with only an occasional yellow flame licking upward from its depth. Sadie piled wood into the circle and had a raging sheet of flames dancing tall into the cool night air within minutes.
Sam, the dork, and the fat girl wandered down by the fire now, apparently finished with their tryst. They sat together on a huge log, arm in arm, giggling and touching each other in inappropriate places while Sadie stood close to the flames shivering. She wasn't cold but shivered from a twisting fear that lodged itself in her belly. The depth of Billy's deception was more than even she could understand. On the edge of the fire's light Sadie was sure she spotted Billy's shadow lurking just out of the harsh glare of discovery. Sadie wrapped her arms around her faux breasts and sighed.
The other couples returned to the fire, in time, some disappearing again only to return after yet another sexual intermission. When the moon finally rose, touching the landscape with a pale blue pall, the group headed back to the cars for their return to the suburbs and their regular lives. Even though Sadie tried to avoid Billy they ended up in the same van. Sadie kept her distance.
The van rolled to a stop in front of Sadie's apartment building and she bounded out quickly.
"Okay, everybody I had a great time" There was a chorus of goodbyes and Sadie was sure she heard Billy say "See you later." Sadie sprinted up her steps and into the safety of her apartment.
Sadie awoke with a start and focused her gaze on the clock radio. The red glowing numbers showed "7:18 AM." Then she heard the second knock on the door. She threw a robe over her shoulders and stumbled out to the door. Through the peep hole she saw a female face she didn't recognize.
"Who is it?" she called.
"Willamina," came the muffled response.
"Willamina?" Sadie echoed to herself.
"From the party, last night..." Sadie shook her head in confusion and unlocked the door. She couldn't remember anybody named Willamina but she pulled the door open so the girl could enter.
When the female figure stepped inside and turned to face her, Sadie immediately recognized the girl as Billy. Sadie's heart jumped in fear.
"Whadda ya want?" Sadie snapped. Billy looked very different now. She had brushed her hair into a ponytail and she was wearing a polo shirt and shorts. Sadie was more terrified now, because she found herself studying in the girl's looks with a rising sexual tension in her chest. She swallowed hard and pushed the door closed, hesitated and thought about opening it again in case she needed to make a break for it but finally decided against it.
"I'm... so sorry, Sadie. I really dropped a bomb you and that was dumb. I'm really sorry about that." Billy's tone was genuine. Sadie nodded dumbly.
"I didn't want you to be afraid of me. I... just..." Billy searched for words. "I like hanging out with these people but I'm still kinda fucked up from..." Billy stood silent for several moments before she opened her mouth to continue. A whine came out and she sucked in a deep breath before she started again.
"My step-father was fuckin' me since I can remember and because of it I just couldn't stand bein' a girl. It just seemed easier to be a guy and then I met you and..." Billy broke down bawling. "I'm so sorry," she repeated over and over as she wept.
Butterflies in Sadie's stomach felt like they were the size of tennis rackets bouncing around inside her. Her mind raced: this was another woman, for God's sake, but Sadie felt a kinship to her. Both disguised something they disliked about themselves in order to fit in better with the, so called, normal world. Sadie wrapped her arms around Billy's shoulders and pulled her close. This was the second time Sadie hugged Billy, but knowing she was also a woman didn't make if feel queer or scary, in Sadie's mind, it just felt comforting. That comfort frightened Sadie a little: knowing that Billy was also a lesbian.
Wait a minute, Sadie thought, Billy didn't say she was a lezzy. Swallowing hard Sadie moved on her impulse and pushed Billy to an arm's length.
"Billy," she croaked. "Ahem... are you um... a... gay?" Sadie stuttered.
Billy sighed heavily. "I don't know," she started softly. "Sometimes I want a boy, um man," she corrected. "But other times... Once in a while I see another woman and I know what guys find so attractive about them... us." Billy waved her hand back and forth between them. "Maybe, I like both, equally."
Billy slowly sucked in a deep breath before she continued. "Maybe, I like you... You seem so nice but something is holding you back, I think... Is it your breasts?" Billy furrowed her brow at the question.
"I don't have any breasts," Sadie blurted out tartly.
"So?" Billy stood with her jaw slack. "Who cares? You are still pretty and sweet and I think you're great..." Sadie noticed Billy's body tense up. The girl had thrown the dice and could only wait for Sadie's reaction.
Sadie wasn't sure how she felt about Billy's pass. There was an attraction, Sadie had to admit, but she had never been with 'just' another woman. One time with her second boyfriend she had kissed another girl when he begged her and an old flame of his to kiss. It was his birthday and Sadie thought, what the heck. She thought It felt kind of nice to kiss someone who didn't need a shave and for that moment Sadie would have done more if he had asked.
"I'm not sure about this, Billy," Sadie whined. "It's kinda sudden and everything." Her eyes searched the carpet for answers. Finding none there she looked up into Billy's eyes. Sadie took in Billy's sharp blue eyes: eyes that sparkled. Searching the other girl's features more closely Sadie added Billy's pouty bottom lip and her delicate nose and then Sadie understood why the girl let her dark hair cascade into her face when portraying a male. It didn't take a Jewish mother to figure out Billy had obvious feminine features. The one thing Billy had to counter her female attributes was a faint line of dark hair along her upper lip, but Sadie found that added to the attraction. Slender shoulders supported Billy's small neck and the more Sadie drank in Billy, dressed like a girl, the more the ersatz 'boy' did not look the part.