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todski28
todski28
19 Followers

Stare at my hands and dare them to speak
the scars that blink as they move
tri-tone paint splattered callouses
mix with fresh cut skin

Fingers thick and clumsy
beaten and moulded
by heavy weights, hard work
and hours of hitting a heavy bag

they have punched brick
smashed plasterboard
one knuckle still in two
from an errant tooth
in a bar room brawl

the story they most want to tell
is the day they held you

gentle
and shaking wept
for fear they were too clumsy
to hold your fragility
a triumph as we cradled you
to our heart

todski28
todski28
19 Followers
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9 Comments
Oldbear63Oldbear63almost 10 years ago
Your best, Todski, IMHO

The description of the working hands coming down to the ending is really strong and beautiful. Wish Lesse could read it.

pelegrinopelegrinoalmost 10 years ago

I have really nothing to add to all previous comments. I thank them for their insights and thank you for sharing it. I admired it very much!

5ed & recommend.

todski28todski28almost 10 years agoAuthor
thank you

1201 for your thoughts it makes sense, I appreciate the effort you have put in to help myself as a writer, it's time that you give for free to give feedback that benefits all involved.

@ cleardaynow I have experimented with this type of write before but haven't been satisfied with the piece, most of my crap I throw out in the threads to get them out of my head and if in a couple of days time I think there is potential I'll edit it to submit.

Thanks trix, honey and ash :-)

twelveoonetwelveoonealmost 10 years ago
I knew this feeling

once, too well - I am going to speak to you as a technician, in two years you have earned it. I read S1 (it is amazing) it is a unique description, poetry without poetisms. Then the language becomes simple, so far not a problem. But like we all do you set up problems when you write. What I'm going to say is structural and should not be construed as anything else but me talking to a peer.

Think balance, remove S1 and read it, it is a good poem, see it, the problem you set up is S1 outperforms the last stanza, The last stanza is the most important. Also consider position, suppose the next too last stanza, or even the third was as word crafted as the first, the simplicity of the last is elevated by the contrast. Considerations

Besides that, I am impressed,

Keep in mind, all poems beyond four lines are subject to some failing, just the nature of the game, 10,000 things are tough to keep track of,

Really, man you have arrived. 5ed

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