Still Lost in Space Ch. 02

Chapter 2: Smith's Dilemma

Author's note:

This story is a continuation of 'Still Lost in Space'. You don't need to read it, but it wouldn't hurt. This story is meant for a laugh. I took a little more time in writing this one and I hope you like it. Any comments are welcome as well as feedback through e-mail. There is another installment coming soon. I'm having a great time writing these. Please enjoy.

Kirk

* * *

"...Last time as you recall, the Jupiter 2 was restored to mint condition by wishes granted by a 'wish stone' given to Will for his 18th birthday by the 'Wish Stone Guy'. The last wish Will made involved conjuring up an entity that could morph itself into anything anyone wanted. To Will and Don, it was a beautiful girl, for Judy and Maureen, it was a version of Fabio, for Professor Robinson it was Einstein, and for the Robot, it was a state of the art service center. For Penny, it was...another Penny. Tonight's Dr. Smith's turn to host the entity in his cubical..."

The sound of a flush came from the head as Doctor Zachary Smith opened the door. "Ah, what a lovely sound," he said, wiping his hands with a moist towelette.

"Hey Smith, how about saving some of them for us?" barked Major Don West from the dinner table.

"Calm yourself Major, there's a whole closet full of them thanks to young William here," Smith retorted, patting Will on the back.

"Yeah, well just keep in mind that they're going to have to last a while because we've got a long way to go before we get back to Earth, Dr. Smith," said Will Robinson looking up at the Doctor from his seat at the table.

"Again, just how far out are we, Don?" asked Judy; the oldest of the Robinson children as she helped her mother Maureen clear the table.

"It's hard to believe but we managed to get about twenty light years out. Not bad when you consider the ship was built to only go four."

"It's not all that hard to believe when you consider who was supposed to be piloting the ship," muttered the doctor, as he finished wiping his hands.

"Hey, cram this up your ass Smith," sneered West, holding up his fork.

"Lovely. Just what I'd expect from you Major, a crude and barbaric response."

"Smith, it's your turn tonight, correct?" asked John Robinson.

"Yes Professor, it's finally my turn."

"Well, why don't you go find 'It' and disappear for the rest of the night?" Robinson asked, sounding like he'd rather kick him out the airlock than spend another second in his presence.

"I was getting ready to do so, but I don't know where 'It' is," said Smith, looking around the lower level.

"Don't look at me," said Penny, the 'middle child', still needing to stand from her latest round of anal impalement.

"Nobody wants to, you sicko," snapped Will.

"Now Will, there's no need to brand her with names simply because your sister has a unique way of satisfying her..." his Mother paused looking for the words to complete the sentence. "...Her fetish as administered by...a double of herself."

Will looked at his Mother in disbelief. "She's fucking sick, Mom!"

Maureen walked over behind her son and placed her hands on his shoulders. She whispered loud enough for all to hear, "I know Will, I know."

"Mom!" pleaded Penny.

The men stood from the table and walked over to Penny as if to console her. Instead, they slapped her on the butt and told her to cheer up because it would be her turn again soon.

"Oww! Oww! OW!" she said after each smack. "Mom!"

"Sorry honey," replied her Mother, as she shook her head sadly.

"Perhaps 'It' is on the upper level," said Smith as he stepped onto the elevator. When he reached topside, he found the Robot parked in his 'Service Bay'.

"It's my turn, you mechanical misfit. Hand it over," said Smith, as he exited the elevator.

"In a minute, Dr. Smith," replied the Robinson's faithful servant. "Mmm, that feels good..." it mumbled.

Smith paced the level waiting for his turn. After ten laps he stood in front of the metal man and started tapping his foot. "That's enough Ninny, I want my turn."

With a great mechanical sigh, the Robot pulled himself away from the service bay smelling disinfectant fresh. "There, Dr. Smith, it's all yours."

"Well I'm not sure I want sloppy seconds," replied the Doctor with a look of disgust on his face.

There was a flash of light and there stood the 'Wish Stone Guy'. "Hi sweeties!" He looked around and said, "Where is everyone?"

"They are down below in the galley cleaning up after dinner," replied the Robot.

"Tell them I said 'Hello, I must be going...'" he said, holding his hand out to the service station.

"What? You're leaving?" asked Smith.

"What's your problem?" asked 'Guy'.

"It's my turn," replied Smith.

'Guy' looked at his watch and shook his head.

"You can't just take 'It' like that. I've waited all week and now it's my turn!" shouted Smith, stomping his foot for emphases.

"What's going on up here?" asked Will, as he jumped off the ladder.

"Oh, there he is, the boy that got all his wishes and still doesn't know I exist," said Guy while picking his teeth.

"He's come back to take," he waved his hands in the direction of the service port, "whatever it is away with him, and it's my turn!"

Everyone from below filed up the ladder and said hello to 'Guy'. The last one up was Don. "Are you still fucking here?"

"Hi big boy. I have plans tonight, but I might be able to squeeze you in around 10:00."

"You can't take 'It' away. I wished for 'It'. Besides, she can suck the chrome off a '57 Chevy!" shouted Will.

"Sorry, Snookums, the last wish was only for a short duration."

"Well what about the other wishes?" asked Judy.

"Oh, no problem there," Guy replied pulling a tissue from his sleeve and dabbing his nose. "They're yours to keep and enjoy!" he finished saying as he twirled in place.

"How come we can't keep 'It'?" asked the Professor.

"Yeah, how come?" asked West, stepping up into Guy's face.

"My, you're pretty when you're pissed," cooed Guy. "Okay, you see, I can't let you keep 'It' because 'It' is a real entity. In fact 'It' is one of my employees. You see everyone that gets a chance to make wishes, tends to make one of them similar to yours. So as the wish business goes, someone else has made the same wish and now I need 'It's' services elsewhere."

"But it's my turn!" Smith said, with tears forming in his eyes.

"God almighty I'm glad you finally got here," said a voice in the direction of the 'Service Port'. "I didn't know if I could take much more of this shit. This one wants all oral sex," Will looked at the ceiling. "This one wants it to last 'all night long'", Maureen blushed. "This one wants his balls tied to the bulkhead."

Don coughed and looked around. "It's just kidding."

Judy whispered to him, "The bulkhead? Really?"

"This one just wants to talk."

"Oh like that's some big fucking secret," snorted Maureen at her husband.

"What?" replied the Professor, clueless.

"This one likes to claw all the skin off my back (she is kind of a hot mamma)."

"Thank you," replied Judy, blushing.

"This one just wants bigger and bigger things shoved up her ass. Next week she wanted a football up there!"

"No I don't," sobbed Penny, covering her face with her hands.

"Well, your exact words were 'I don't want any laces showing when you're done'."

"You are a sick fuck," mumbled Will, leaning into his Mother for moral support.

"Yes Will, we know. We know," she reassured her Son, hugging his shoulder for emphasis.

"I actually enjoyed being this," 'It' said, lighting all the lights in the service port. "The Robot is a good entity."

"Thank you," the servant replied in its deepest voice.

"Now this Smith here, the vision he had in mind for me tonight was..."

"Cease and desist your chattering. I have no idea what you're talking about," Smith interjected and looked away.

"He wanted me to..."

"No I didn't," sneered Smith.

"He actually wanted me to..."

"No!" snapped Smith, as he grabbed a fire extinguisher off the wall. "Not another word," Smith hissed.

"Okay, you win," murmured the entity. Smith backed down and put the extinguisher back.

Quickly 'It' said, "He wanted me to be Sandra Bernhard and we were going to need a whole lot of moist towelettes to clean up!"

"NO!" screamed Smith as he took the elevator down to the lower level.

Professor Robinson started laughing and said, "Well, at least she's a woman."

"She is?" asked Don, not really sure.

"Okay, I'm ready to get out of here," said the entity, but 'Its' voice had changed. Every ones attention was directed to a small green thing about six inches high on the floor. "What are you looking at?"

"Is that what you really look like?" asked Will.

"Yeah, what's it to you?"

"Aw, isn't it cute?" asked Judy.

"Hey, honey, I wouldn't mind meeting you again," 'It' said.

"Please don't take 'It'," pleaded Will.

"I'm not an 'It'. Call me by my name."

"What would that be, little one?" asked Maureen as if she were asking a small child.

"I'm Gumby, dammit!"

"Gumby?" asked Will.

"Gumby?" asked West.

"He was once a little green slab of clay...Gumby!" sang Judy doing a be-bop to the jingle.

"You should see what Gumby can do today...Gumby!" sang the Robot.

"Stop it! I'm not that Gumby!" The room fell quiet. The little guy sighed and wiped his brow. "Thanks. Now I'm going to say this only once. I'm not the Gumby you're thinking of and I don't have a pal named Pokey."

'Wish Stone Guy' perked up, "Of course you do, he's my other employee..."

"Oh for the love of...okay, I have a toy pal Pokey too," sighed Gumby.

"...If you've got a heart then Gumby's a part of you..." sang Judy.

"Stop! Obviously you've never seen me on one of my tequila benders. Okay Moe, let's get out of here," the little green guy said.

"Well, au revoir!" said 'Guy' and they vanished.

John and Maureen headed down first and the Judy and Don made their way to the ladder. Will asked, "What's with the balls fastened to the wall?"

West shrugged, "It's different."

"I'm going to look for a staple gun. I'm gonna attach them real good."

"Judy, no!" begged West, as he followed her down.

Will soon found himself alone with the Robot and Penny. He decided to ignore her, hoping she would go below as well. "So Robot, what are the probabilities of us escaping this void we're in?"

"Not good. The fix that we got on Earth from your wish is faulty at best. The signals we are receiving are from 20 years ago and have been bouncing around this void the entire time. We may not be pointed in the right direction."

Will sighed and dropped into the pilot's seat. After making a few adjustments he glanced over in Penny's direction. She was standing next to her suspended animation tube. He though about shoving her in and activating it, but why waste the power?

She looked depressed and Will decided to cut her a break. "So, ah, how's the ass?"

She didn't cry or run off. Instead she simply answered, "Sore."

"I don't get it. What's the attraction of having a bazooka up your butt?"

"You wouldn't understand. Nobody understands..." she said as her voice trailed off and her gaze returned to the floor.

Will looked at her second as something started to click in his head. "Now I know why you wanted Gumby to look like you. You think the only one that could understand you was another you, right?"

Penny nodded her head. "Something like that."

Will thought for a moment and then turned to the robot. "You can help Penny."

"Negative. I am not programmed for anal impalement."

"Well, you can always go back to playing that game with Mom and Judy," said Will, hoping to end the conversation he started.

"She's already told me that they're not playing 'hide the cucumber' with me any more."

"Tough luck," said Will as he turned back to look at the instrument panel.

"What are you going to do now that your little angel is gone?" she asked, curious.

"I'll just go back to doing what I did before," answered Will, as he jerked a fist up and down.

"You know, there are always alternatives," she said and headed down the ladder.

Will turned toward the Robot. "I think I was just propositioned by my sister."

"Affirmative," replied the Robot.

"I think I'm going to be sick..."

"Affirmative," replied the Robot as he backed away from Will's projectile puking.

* * * Meanwhile, elsewhere in the void. * * *

"Captain's log Stardate...Sulu what's the date?"

"I don't know, this thing isn't working."

"Well, what am I going to say?"

"I don't know. Try, ah, 'unknown'."

"Captain's log Stardate, unknown. The Enterprise has been stuck in this void in space for months now thanks to our navigator..."

Chekov flipped Kirk the bird from his navigation station.

"...and morale is low. The chain of command has been breaking down as more and more crew members are showing little or no respect for their senior officers..."

Chekov continued waving the bird.

"...On a brighter note I've commended Mr. Scott on lighting his tenth still in engineering. Wait times for a bottle of his hooch are down to less than a day."

"Yeah, and the crew is going to need to enter a 12 step program when we reach Starbase," muttered McCoy standing behind Kirk's chair.

"Will you stop it, I'm trying to do something here," snapped Kirk, pointing to the arm of his chair.

"Starfleet Command, this is the Enterprise, do you read?" asked Uhura from her seat at communications.

McCoy leaned in and whispered to Kirk, "Have you gotten a piece of that yet?"

"What would make you think that?" asked Kirk over his shoulder.

"You're kidding, right? You've banged every other female crew member we have onboard," sneered the doctor.

Kirk held his hand in front on his mouth to keep his voice from carrying. "No, she's got my number. Since I kissed her in front of all those Platonians, she's been as cold as a fish."

"Yeah, well a breath mint wouldn't kill you once in a while," said the doctor as he headed to the turbolift stopping just short. "Oh, Chekov, isn't it time for your daily apology to the crew?"

"Oh man," whined Chekov.

Spock nodded to Uhura and she hit the 'All Call'. A Bosum's whistle could be heard. "Attention all hands, attention all hands. This is the First Officer reminding you that it is that special time of day when our navigator, Mr. Chekov, is to give his daily apology for putting us here. It's all yours," said Spock, giving Chekov a half smirk.

"How many times do I have to keep doing this?" asked Chekov.

"Everyday until we're out of here," replied Kirk.

"Okay, this is vhat happened. I was on the third vatch and had the conn. Ve vere on a routine supply mission to the planet 'Supercalafragelisticexpialidocious IV'. Vhen ve entered the system I asked for permission to assume a standard orbit. They answered vith coordinates that ve needed to do so and I had the stand-in navigator execute them."

Spock interjected, "What our navigator is failing to mention is that he knew that the inhabitants of 'Supercalafragelisticexpialidocious IV' are the greatest practical jokers in the known galaxy."

"I vas just getting to that," said Chekov.

"Indeed," replied Spock.

"Vell, they gave the coordinates for this woid and I set the course with navigation and the helm. Once ve entered the woid we lost all contact with Starfleet Command and any other Federation wessel."

"Yes, Ensign, as you know, this portion of space is also loaded with chronotomic particles which means we may no longer be in our own time period," Spock injected.

"Look, I'm sorry, okay? How many times do I have to say it?" Chekov moaned.

"I'm cool with it," said Sulu as he high fived Chekov next to him.

"Starfleet, please come in," Uhura sighed into her comm link.

"Uh, Hello?" she heard in her earpiece.

It'd been so long since she'd heard a response that she nearly fell off her chair. "This is the Starship Enterprise. Come in Starfleet." There was a prolonged period of silence. She turned her chair and said, "Captain, I'm getting a signal."

"Starfleet Command? Great, give them our status and ask them for a heading to get out of here," ordered Kirk.

"Uh, Enterprise, I read you."

"Starfleet, we are sending a request for a fix on Earth..."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, girl. I was hoping that we could help each other out here."

"Yes Sir. This is the USS Enterprise, a United Federation Starship in distress. Do you know of a direction vector to exit this void?" asked Uhura.

"I'm sure we can help each other..."

Uhura shouted, "Captain, we might be able to get out of this."

"Is it Starfleet?" asked Kirk.

"I don't think so, but he seems helpful," beamed Uhura.

"Okay, you know the situation, talk to him," ordered Kirk.

"Sir, could you identify yourself please?" asked Uhura.

"Well, I was kind of hoping you would tell me your name first..."

Sulu and Chekov glanced at each other out of the corners of their eyes.

"I am communications officer Lieutenant Uhura, please identify yourself."

"Uhura, that's a lovely name. Could you tell me what you're wearing right now?"

Sulu and Chekov tried in vain to stifle there snickering. Kirk strutted over to Uhura. "Is there a problem here Lieutenant?"

* * *Back on the Jupiter 2* * *

"Don, who are you talking to?" asked Judy.

"Uh, no one," West replied, hiding the microphone behind him.

"Why do you want to know what I'm wearing?" asked Uhura's voice coming over the radio speaker. Several chuckles and guffaws could be heard in the background.

"You're such a fucking pig, Don," Judy said, as she turned on her heals and headed down the ladder.

West turned the radio off and followed her. "Come on, I was just having some fun..."

* * *Back on the Enterprise* * *

"I've lost the signal, Captain," Uhura sighed.

"Well, try again in an hour, Lieutenant," said Kirk, as he gave his junior officers a glaring stare to stop them from laughing. "Spock, that transmission had to originate somewhere in this void, what do the sensors show?"

Spock leaned over and peered in his sensor visor. "As you know, most of our scans are being reflected back." He fell silent as he adjusted the controls. "Sir, I'm picking up a faint reading bearing 247 mark 152."

"Is it a ship? Possibly the one that just sent the signal?" asked Kirk.

"I would say the odds are in favor of it," answered Spock.

"Okay navigator, set an intercept course, helm, warp 5," ordered Kirk.

It's been a while since the last time they went to warp speed. They found out early on that even at maximum warp they couldn't find a way out of the void, so they didn't bother anymore, much to Sulu's dismay. He liked it when the ship passed into subspace. It gave him a tingle in his balls. The higher the warp factor, the greater the tingle. Right now, a warp 5 tingle would feel just fine. He shifted low in his seat and spread his legs to allow for the greatest effect.

Nothing happened.

Sulu straightened himself up and entered the command again, then settled back to enjoy the feeling.

A low groan could be heard and felt, then faded.

"Sulu are we at warp 5?" asked Kirk.

"Ah, no Sir," he answered, looking at his status board.

Kirk hit a button on the arm of his chair. "Engineering, this is the Captain. Mr. Scott, I ordered the ship to warp 5. What's going on down there?"

"I'm sorry Sir, but she canna take any more!" he responded in a thick Scottish brogue.

Kirk looked around the bridge and asked, "What's he talking about?"

Everyone responded by shaking their heads except Spock. "The stills," he stated.

Kirk's brow furled. "Mr. Scott, are you telling me that we don't have any power to go to warp because it's being diverted to the stills?"