Student Lesbian BDSM Ch. 09

Again, thanks to SoCalCynic who kindly edited this story as well as the previous.

**********

Erica Fitzgerald awoke with a start. The high pitched ring of her mobile could have brought a bear out of hibernation.

'Fuck's sake...' she sighed in exhaustion, although she didn't usually encourage swearing.

It had been weeks since she'd slept properly; there was far too much time to think, too much time to worry. In the evenings she allowed her anxieties to consume her; it was better than the reoccurring emptiness that she felt.

It was although her mind was playing tricks with her. Every night Erica managed to persuade herself that it was all alright. She imagined Anna was in the next room, safe and sound and fast asleep. She had just tucked her into bed and kissed her on the forehead; Anna would always smile and tell her she loved her, just before she closed her eyes and fell asleep with a contented smile on her face. Every morning Erica berated herself for being so childish, but yet it never stopped her from appeasing herself in the same way the next night.

Groggily juggling the receiver, she forced her eyes open and replied, 'Hello?' Who on earth would be ringing at three a.m.?

'Erica, it's Lily,' came the hurried reply from the other end of the phone line.

'What's wrong?' Erica asked. Now she was completely alert. The mention of the callers name was all she needed to hear to bring her completely out of her restless sleep.

'She took an overdose. She was unconscious and she wouldn't wake up,' Lily spluttered. 'She's in hospital now. They're going to pump her stomach but I don't know if she'll be okay.' She burst into noisy tears.

Momentarily Erica sat in silence, eyes wide with shock. 'I'm coming now,' she said, preparing to hang up.

'We're at Addenbrookes,' Lily added just before Erica hit the disconnect button.

Erica ran to the wardrobe and pulled the first pair of trousers she could find on under her silk négligé. Seconds later she grabbed her favourite cashmere jumper, flat boots, and car keys and dashed out the front door, not caring to lock it.

Luckily there weren't many people on the roads at three a.m. because Erica was utterly oblivious to her surroundings as she rapidly accelerated through central Cambridge. She arrived in record time and ran into the main entrance of the hospital, racing around perilously to find the emergency ward, still gasping for breath.

This scenario was unnervingly familiar to Erica; the crazy rush to the hospital and then the long hours waiting to see if a loved one would live or die. Although it had been over a decade since her brother had died she still remembered it vividly. Erica hated the smell of medical disinfectant, the stuffy air and the contagious apprehension in the waiting rooms, but the one thing she hated most was the solemn look on the doctor's faces as they went about their work. The calm way they could tell a sixteen year old girl her brother had just died. The lack of emotion was cruel and the exaggeratedly gentle voices were almost patronising.

She knew all too well it only took once; one silly mistake and a life could end, just like that. Perhaps Anna's body could cope with what Len's couldn't, but was this the only time she had overdosed? Erica hadn't been around to find out. Even so it didn't really matter; if Anna's body was as intolerant of whatever drug she had taken as her brother's had been of the cocaine she had no hope.

She found the relevant waiting room, outside the private room Anna was in, and sat down silently beside Lily and her boyfriend, who had found her. It seemed wrong to be with someone she had only ever talked with on the phone in such a personal situation.

Erica clasped her hands together to stop them shaking so much and pulled her legs up onto the seat and hugged them tightly. She rested her head on her knees and let the silent tears run freely down her face. What would she do if Anna died? The guilt she felt was overwhelming. She could have stopped all of this from happening. It would only have taken three words, eight letters to be exact. And to top it all it was the truth.

Erica had constantly been on the phone to Anna's flatmate Lily. She tried to persuade Lily to look out for Anna, to at least make sure she had a slice of toast for breakfast and a drink of water. She knew Anna wasn't doing well but Erica had never foreseen this.

She was so young, so pretty, and so affectionate. She could find someone else who would fall in love with her, who would reciprocate her passion and affection, in ten seconds flat. Erica thought Anna would be fed up with her in no time but maybe she was wrong. Lily had told her how much Anna had cried and how she couldn't help but tell her all about the woman she was seeing although she was usually tight lipped. 'Love' to an inexperienced, twenty-five year old woman usually just meant lust. Erica didn't ever believe Anna's feelings could correlate to her own.

As Erica sat nervously waiting she became rather tempted by thoughts of the revolver she kept in the safe inside her wardrobe. The thought had never crossed her mind before; she hadn't given herself time to think since Anna left. Now she knew she could lose Anna for good, the whole prospect of living without her sounded like a death camp. Erica had thrown her chance of happiness out the window and annihilated the soul of the only woman she ever had feelings for. She didn't deserve to be happy; she didn't even deserve to be alive...

**********

I opened my eyes to find my self surrounded by nurses tidying up their equipment. 'No...' I moaned under my breath. 'No...' I sobbed. Everyone in the room turned around and looked at me.

'Oh good, she's conscious.' The doctor said. 'How are you Anna?' he asked, talking to me like I was incompetent.

'Why couldn't you just leave me alone?' I spat angrily.

'Come on now,' he said softly, moving closer.

'Get away from me!' I shouted as loudly as I could manage, pushing him backwards with all my might. The Doctor and the two nurses in room turned around and stared at me silently. They didn't seem surprised in the slightest, which only enraged me further. The door flung open and disrupted the silence.

'Thank God!' a familiar voice exclaimed. Before I even had chance to turn my head to look in the direction of the door I was tightly enveloped by a pair of toned arms. 'She will be okay, won't she?' Erica demanded of the doctor.

'Anna will be fine Ms. Fitzgerald but she needs her rest. Visitors aren't permitted at this time.'

'For goodness sake Alistair!' she scowled, turning around to face him, 'You're just going to leave the poor little thing here on her own? Look at the state of her! You can't just let her lie here and cry all night!' Although I didn't know how, I got the impression Erica could make 'Alistair's' life very difficult.

'I can see I'm not going to win this one. Half an hour, and then she needs to sleep.'

'Thank you.' Erica said politely as he left the room.

She looked a mess; her eyes were bloodshot from crying, her hair was stuck to her damp face and none of her clothes matched.

'I thought I'd lost you,' she whispered, turning back towards me and beginning to cry again.

'What do you care,' I shot back immediately, still angry because things hadn't turned out as planned.

'I'm sorry Anna, I'm so sorry. I lied to you but it was for your own good, please. I do love you, I love you so much but I was so scared Anna,' she whimpered uselessly.

I sat quietly for a moment, in shock. This was the woman who had absolutely terrified me when she had lost her temper, who had beaten me mercilessly and left me half naked and bleeding on her lawn. And to top it all; she said she loved me. Erica never cried or whimpered but now she seemed so unbelievably harmless. Now she looked as though she should be the one to be picked up and cuddled although it was always her that always gave me that kind of attention.

'Please Anna, please,' she begged, moving the hair from my face and forcing me to look at her. 'Don't leave me...'

'You already left me without a second thought, even when I was crying and screaming.' I said calmly, staring her straight in the eye. I wasn't going to be some kind of pathetic wimp and eat from the palm of her hand any longer. After all, for all the pain Erica had caused me, physical and emotional, she was the one who deserved to be punished this time. She deserved to feel just as much pain as I had.

'I thought I was doing you a favour Anna.' Erica leaned over the bed and reached out to take my hand but I pulled it away. 'I was so scared I would hurt you again. I've never hurt anyone like that before but just the sight of those drugs made me so angry. I never intended to do anything like that, not for one minute. I've prosecuted before for domestic abuse, I've seen the state of those poor women, the looks in their eyes. What I did to you was abuse Anna. The husbands say they'll never do it again but they do. What makes me different from them? I didn't mean to Anna, I'm frightened of myself. I never thought I was capable of something like that.'

'I would have been willing to take it all again and even lick the soles of your feet afterwards but you weren't there when I needed you. I spent weeks hoping you'd come for me but it's too late now; I don't love you anymore.' I hoped those last words stung. I knew what they felt like all too well.

'Please don't say that Darling, I need you,' she gasped, falling to her knees as if I'd kicked her in the gut, 'I'll do anything. I mean it, anything Anna. I've started taking anger management classes. I'll buy you anything you want. I love you Anna and I always will, please.'

'How many other women have you said that to?' I said with obvious snide. 'Maybe they would come back for the cash but I'm not that shallow. I never want to see you again.'

'You don't mean that.' She contradicted. 'You're my Anna, my good little girl...' I could barely understand a word she said through her tears.

'I'm nothing to you anymore,' I added dispassionately. 'Leave me alone. I want to go to sleep.' I rolled over and refused even to look in her direction.

She didn't move for a good ten minutes and nor did I. I heard her stand up and fumble around with some tissues.

'I'm sorry Anna,' she finally said. 'I'll never be able to stop loving you but I hope you find someone who deserves you.' Her voice quivered with tears. 'No matter what you say you'll always be my Sweetheart because I'm never going to feel like this again. I hope you'll be happy, even if I never see you again.' She leaned over the top of me and kissed my cheek. I breathed in her perfumed scent for the last time as she sobbed in my ear and her tears dripped on my face. 'Sorry Anna,' she whispered, wiping her tears from my face. 'Take care of yourself. I know you can get through this.'

She breathed out heavily and sniffed loudly before turning around and leaving the room. I could hear her sobbing even when the door shut behind her. I hadn't shed a tear the whole time, being too preoccupied with my need for revenge. If I'd never met Erica I would still be happy, I would have less bruises to show and I wouldn't be lying in this hospital bed right now.

The life I dreamed of was a million miles away. All I wanted was to be with the woman I'd fallen for. I lay in bed contemplating the future, remembering why I had done it in the first place. Then it finally dawned on me; Erica had just begged me to come back to her, she said she needed me, she said she loved me. I could have had it all if I hadn't been so spiteful.

I pulled myself out of bed and ran as fast as my legs would carry me. When the same Doctor got in my way I dug my elbow forcefully into his stomach and ran on, unsure of where I was going, beyond finding Erica. I succeeded in opening one of the fire exits and ran outside.

It was a typical chilly December morning and I found myself wearing only a hospital gown and nothing on my feet. Regardless, I ran out onto the gravel path overlooking the car park and upwards so the main parking area was in view. At the very furthest end I spied Erica walking slowly up the middle of the car park, kicking some stones on the ground and crying mindlessly.

I ran as fast as my legs would carry me. I was weak and dizzy. I felt ready to faint but I knew I couldn't give up. I had almost managed to catch up with her but I hadn't yet found a way into the parking lot. Without thinking I threw my leg over the fence but caught my second foot clumsily on the top and tripped over the whole fence, landing face first in the flowerbed.

I struggled to lift my head out of the soil. My body felt like a block of lead and I was so dizzy everything I saw was blurred. Erica had her hand on the door of her car. After all the effort I wouldn't ever get to her in time. I could think of nothing else to do, so I screamed

'I love you!' The amount of noise I emitted surprised me. The few other people in the car park turned around to see who was shouting but I couldn't care less.

Erica turned around and looked about the car park. After a moment she shook her head and turned back towards her car.

'No, Please!' I hollered, grabbing the miniature palm tree I lay beside and hauled myself to my feet. I felt my body dramatically shaking as I clung onto the tree for dear life. 'Erica...' I called, reaching my hand out in front of me as if to grab her, were she closer.

Just before I collapsed back down into the soil I caught sight of the blurry cream blob which was Erica running towards me.

**********

I opened my eyes to find myself lying flat on my back, Erica sitting by my side amidst a crop of brightly coloured flowers. She held both my hands in hers and was whispering softly to me.

'It's okay Sweetie, I've got you now. I won't let you go, I promise. Everything's going to be alright Darling.'

I sighed heavily; half in relief half in exhaustion. I was still too fragile to process what seemed to have happened so quickly.

She slid one arm under my knees and the other under my neck and picked me up gently.

'Do you really love me?' I asked disbelievingly.

'With all my heart,' Erica said solemnly, pausing before she stepped down the step onto the gravel.

'I'm sorry Erica, please, I'm sorry. I-I,' I babbled nonsensically.

'Sssh Anna, I've got you.'

'I need to be with you,' I cried hysterically, not fully understanding where all the emotion had come from but I was too weak to get a grip of myself.

'Sssh Pet, You will be. I'll stay with you all night, I promise. I don't care what that wretched Doctor says...'

I didn't hear a thing she said after that. I didn't even remember being brought inside.

**********

I woke up in the hospital bed in the late morning, this time weaker than ever and on a drip. Erica really had stayed with me. She looked done in. Her hair was uncharacteristically messy, she was wearing no make up; she looked like she had spent the night on the streets. Her tearstained face and eyes bags made her almost unrecognisable. The organised, perfectionistic woman I knew had gone without leaving a trace. She clung onto my hand like a scared child, her usually piercing green eyes were filled with tears and looking up at me expectantly.

'I love you Anna,' Erica whispered. She was still so beautiful, even when she was in pieces.

'I love you too,' I whispered back. Just for a moment we forgot. We forgot I was lying in hospital, too weak to move and on a drip. We forgot all the lies and all the pain we had caused one another, and laughed, not because anything was funny but out of relief. We'd both had what we needed. It would all be okay now.

'Oh yes, Anna, Lily rang your parents earlier, they're flying out this morning. They should be here this afternoon,' Erica remembered.

'Oh...They're going to kill me!' I was dreading it already.

'I'm not convinced they'd approve of your irony,' Erica teased.

'I've got to tell them, haven't I?' I asked, wanting to be told what to do.

'Erm, Lily's already told them...' she said, looking confused.

'About you?'

'No, about what you tried to do. They'll just be glad you're alright, don't worry about them.' She assured.

'It's not about that.' I paused. 'They still think I'm going out with the priest's nephew. They're probably looking forward to the wedding...'

'Tell them you broke up. It's not a big deal.'

'They don't know I'm with a woman, Erica. They'll probably try to 'cure' me or something. I'll be disowned.'

'Oh, Darling,' she began. 'Don't let yourself feel forced into doing anything, a few more months wouldn't hurt, just until things are better.'

'I'm going to tell them today,' I decided. 'I've been going on like this for almost a decade. I can't lie to them anymore.'

'No matter what happens I'll be here Anna. It'll probably be tomorrow before they let you leave but I want to take you home with me. I know it's a bit sudden but we can sleep in different rooms and everything. I need you with me; I need to know you're okay. Then I can look after you properly. I can help you catch up with your work and you won't need to worry about money.'

'I don't want to sponge off you,' I scowled.

'I know you don't but it'll only be until you get back on your feet. When you start working again you can put some money towards the bills.' She had clearly been thinking it all through.

'I don't even have enough money for food...' I realised, almost in tears. 'You must think I'm some kind of gold-digger,' I cried.

'If you were a gold-digger you wouldn't have hesitated to take that cheque I offered you. I would have given you any amount you asked for. It's only money Pet,' she said kindly, stroking my hair.

'I promise I'll pay you back,' I sobbed.

'If it wasn't for me you wouldn't be in this mess. If I had told you the truth we could both be so happy now. I owe you far more than this.'

'If I hadn't taken those pills...'

'Don't you dare blame yourself! The only thing you've ever done is show me affection, and devotion, and look how I've repaid you!' Erica cried guiltily. 'I love you and I want you with me forever. Please don't do it again. I promise I'll be better, I know I was selfish but I can't cope on my own.'

'Let me be your good girl again, please,' I sniffed.

She got up and moved in close. 'You are such a good girl Anna. You never put a foot wrong once you knew what I expected of you. At the start I used any excuse to punish you, just for fun. I didn't ever imagine I could feel like this, or that you would ever see us as anymore than a novelty. I wanted to have my cake and eat it.'

'Punishments were fun, I enjoyed every stroke I was given; I surprised myself. I was just in for the ride but when I heard you telling Roz you would end it soon I almost cried. I even loved you then, I just didn't realise.'

For a moment we just sat and smiled at one another. She squeezed my hand tightly and looked at me the way that had convinced me that she had felt the same way about me in the first place.

'My parents will be here soon. You should go home and sleep,' I whispered. 'You look so tired.'

'I suppose you'll want some time to yourself with them,' she smiled kindly.

'Will you come back later?' I asked eagerly.

'Of course, I'll bring you something to eat this evening if you like. You can ring me any time and I'll be straight back or just to say hello if you get bored. Whatever you need...'

'I'll miss you,' I confided.

'I know it's only for a few hours but I'm going to miss you too. By this time next week I'm sure you'll be sick of the sight of me!' Erica joked.

'I love you,' I giggled.