Ten Rules of the Road for Car SexbyRobbWarren©
Ten Rules of the Road for Car Sex
You all probably remember your first early, fumbling attempts at seduction and love making in the front or back seat of a car, don't you? I know I did. The beginning of my story "Taste Test: Lipstick and Wine" was a (mostly) true story of initial explorations in a car. Some years later I lost my virginity in the front seat of my Dad's Buick Skylark in the '70s. I hardly knew what was happening, but luckily my more experienced partner did. The cars in those days were built for sex -- wide bench seating instead of bucket seats. You really could have decent sex in the front seat. You could live in the back seat.
But fast forward a number of years (decades for me). You're now in the position that for some reason, sex in a car is considered a necessary accommodation. Maybe you've got a frisky spouse who enjoys reliving her (or his) early days, or just enjoys the risk of public sex. Maybe your spouse isn't so frisky, but your lover is. And maybe that's just the best place for a quickie, considering hectic work and home schedules.
So I offer a few rules of the road, as it were.
1. PARK THE CAR.
First rule of the road is don't do it while on the road. I know you read these hot stories about flashing, fingering or sucking while driving, and that's great fantasy, but in real life: park it. Sex while driving is dangerous (think dismemberment of an important member); illegal (think reckless, negligent, or at least distracted driving charges and the annoying court dates, points and insurance hits); and realistically, it will be hard to actually have an orgasm with so many moving parts.
2. STRATEGIZING THE PARKING SPOT.
In the old days, the veritable Lovers' Lane, lakeside, or in my case, the graveyard by the river, were known as the best parking places. Teenagers went to these places. But as an adult, you don't want to be in the same place as teenagers. They'll be weirded out; you'll be weirded out. Don't have sex where your children's friends may see you.
This may sound counter-intuitive, but trying to hide in secluded areas is actually more risky. Police, security cameras, and nosy neighbors notice when a car is parked in a place that is rarely used. Instead, look for places where one would expect to see parked cars: garages, Park and Ride locations, train stations, airports, etc. Preferably you want one where the cars are parked for a relatively long time, rather than a place like a shopping center where there is a lot of in and out (no pun intended).
3. ASSESS THE RISK.
I'm assuming here that you really do not want to get caught. If you're into public sex, exhibitionism, "dogging," or otherwise don't mind folks watching what you're up to, my advice in this article will not help you. Just make sure you have your lawyer and bail bondsman lined up. If you want to avoid getting caught, assess the risk. Observe the parking lot beforehand. Look especially for cops, cameras, and other cars with engines idling.
4. FINDING THE RIGHT SPOT.
You want your vehicle to be sandwiched in between a large object on one side to obstruct your exposure from passing by observers, such as a wall or big truck, and leave room for your lover's vehicle to park on the other side. Park head in, butt out -- it's much harder for someone to see in the back window. SUVs and tinted glass are God's gift to mobile lovers -- invest in them and enjoy. God bless America.
5. FEATHER YOUR NEST.
Just as you'd bring a nice wine, maybe flowers, and make sure your love nest was set up with your lover in mind, try to make the car as comfortable as possible for a quickie, car date. Move the front seats all the way forward and tilt the seats upright -- this provides much better space in the back seat and creates a visual wall in the front. Make sure you have water or other non-alcoholic beverages available (you're in a car, don't get busted while leaving the scene with an open container of booze). Little pillows are extra nice and great for leverage or to keep the lady's head from being banged against the door handle. As you'll see in the "geometry" section below, back seat sex often involves contorted, twisted positions. Any object that keeps your lover's head and or neck from being crammed or banged against the door will work. She or he will appreciate a little cushioning at critical points. A blanket is nice, especially if it's cold, and also to protect the seat from fluids.You never know who going to be in your car next. The remaining smells and juices of fun sex aren't necessarily what they'll want to find. Then again, you may prefer the sex scent and the naughty memories.
6. PREPARE YOUR DATE.
Car sex is usually quick sex, meaning not a long time available for foreplay and warming up. Do it before you get there. Start that morning with suggestive emails or texts to your lover, describing in some detail what will be happening soon. Ask her (or him) what she's wearing, how she's feeling, what bad things she wants to do today? By the time you get to the scene, foreplay may very well be done, and she'll want to jump your bones promptly. If he arrives hard and she arrives wet, you get an A+ and a scout badge for being prepared. One of you may want to bring or use a bit of lubricant just in case nature needs some help.
7. DRESS APPROPRIATELY.
Quickie car sex is fast! When choosing an outfit for the day, think easy on and off. Guys, I recommend going commando if you normally wear shorts. The extra stimulation leading up to the event is nice, as is the speed with which she can get into your pants when she wants to. Wear a sweater that can be easily slipped off rather than a button up shirt. Shoes without laces slip off quicker than those with. Girls, items to consider are thigh highs or hose with a garter belt, rather than pantyhose, crotchless or no panties, front clasp bras (hey, even experienced guys have trouble with those damn back fastening bras), or even better -- no undergarments. Try to imagine a dress with a zipper down the front and a birthday suit underneath. A perfect outfit goes from formal business attire to buck naked in less than 5 minutes, 3 minutes would be even better. High heeled strappy shoes, jeans that have to be peeled off, and other items that take a long time to take off are a waste of your limited time. A hint for the ladies: while you're still in your car, before your lover arrives, take off as much as possible. Your heels and a trench coat are extremely hot. Just thinking of his reaction will probably make you moist and ready for fun.
8. TIME GENTLEMEN...
Assuming you're on a standard one hour lunch break, you're now ready to begin. Your preparations are complete, your lover has arrived, and you are now looking into her eyes as she steps into the car's back seat. At this point there really are no rules. You know your lover, what does she (or he) want right now? You two make the rules. If all of your nonphysical foreplay has been successful, if you've waited too long to see her, if the look in her eye says "please fuck me NOW," well, you will probably achieve full penetration within a handful of minutes, probably even before you've had a chance to get undressed. Car sex can bring out the purely animal craving, and it is a good environment to satisfy that craving. The limitations of time and space, the hopefully only theoretical danger of getting caught, and the just plain "badness" of the situation is likely to be highly erotic. For those who like crazy monkey sex first, you'll both be relaxing from your first orgasms soon enough, and there is still plenty of time for talking, kissing and cuddling.
For those who want more foreplay, and less afterplay, take it (relatively) slowly. The act of disrobing each other in confined spaces can be both erotic and hilarious. Have fun with it. Touching, slicking, kissing are all great in the car. It's pretty clear that when it comes to oral sex, it is much easier for the guy to get rather than give. Guys are easy: sit down, pull it out, and you're the center of attention in a very accessible way. Kneeling on the back seat works well too, or leaning over her mouth while she lies on the back seat is good.
It's a little harder to do proper cunnilingus in the back seat. She can't stand up straight, and she can't kneel over the guy's face and still stay on the seat. If she's seated, there's probably not enough room for him to kneel in front of her. If they are seated side by side, he can't get a good position by leaning over to lick her. The best position is the traditional -- she lies down on her back (with her head on that pillow you brought!) on the length of the backseat, but angled towards him as he kneels on the floor. She spreads her legs and lifts them to his shoulders and he bends down, and voila. Perfectly framed pussy lips. This does take some agility on the guy's part. He needs to be fairly flexible in the lower back and neck. She may be able to lie back in between the front and back seats on the center console, prop her legs up on his shoulders and he will have a nice view of all the lady humps and bumps. I personally recommend yoga training as a prerequisite for car sex.
9. THE GEOMETRY OF CAR SEX: FORMS, ANGLES, AND ELASTICITY
Sexual intercourse is, at core, an exercise in physics. As in line geometry, you're basically trying to position two lines to intersect in the same plane -- the penis must line up with the vagina. If you missed that part of Physics 101, you're going to wind up poking the seat cushion instead of your partner. A certain amount of friction is then necessary, well lubricated, but friction nonetheless as two sliding parts heat up. There is also a chemical component of course -- as those sliding parts generate physical heat, there must be some chemistry going on in the couple's minds that results in an explosion of hormones and then other bodily fluids.
What does this have to do with car sex? A small space limits the geometric forms available to line up the points and generate the friction. I won't attempt to document the multitude of possibilities -- a google search for "car sex positions" will get you plenty of ideas. There are several key principles.
As in oral sex, intercourse is easiest with the guy seated or lying on his back with his legs bent, and his point of contact being hard, upright and available. Car sex is great for woman dominant positions, cowgirl and reverse cowgirl, even sideways as her circular orifice can swivel on his hard axis. They can lean forward onto him or arch backwards, supporting themselves on the front seat backs. Positions on the car seat such as doggy style are also quite possible providing both partners actually fit in the space. Good 'ole missionary works fine as long as the woman has room to lie down and the guy has the agility to hold himself above her.
The challenge with car sex is finding the right angles. Its much easier while in a nice wide bed to penetrate at a chosen angle, to playfully adjust angles, and to thrust for G or A spots. In a car, those angles can get more constricted. Experimentation is key, as is a sense of humor, as you and your partner gyrate for optimal penetration.
Car sex also requires a much higher level of elasticity than bed sex. Properly anchoring the body, holding the position, and then engaging in athletic cardiovascular maneuvers is not for the faint of heart. Proper conditioning, including both strength and flexibility training is crucial. Having a good exercise partner helps a lot -- practice regularly. They should have courses at all health clubs and gyms for this. A really progressive club would provide secure parking lots for practice runs.
10. THE BIG ESCAPE
So all the preparations have been done, your partner showed, you fucked, all parties had nice orgasms, you laughed and had fun, you kissed and chatted, and now it's time to go. As in the set up, there are details to attend to to make a good exit. Clean up is key, so have the right materials at hand: paper towels and moistened towelettes or baby wipes for the sticky stuff. Refreshing liquids to moisten the lips and tongue and quench the resulting thirst. Ladies, definitely check your hair and makeup. You know what people will think if you walk back into the office with sex-wrecked hair and makeup that looks like you just came in out of a rainstorm or were just rode hard and put away wet. Guys who have hair, attend to it. Everyone should be using hand sanitizer. The germs and smells you share with your partner are your private business, not for sharing. Most importantly, make sure you leave wearing everything you come in with. Clothes tend to get tossed around, jewelry can fall off, pockets get upended. Leaving the scene clean is nice for the next occupant of that seat.
A final kiss, and walk out that door. Hopefully if any security camera has caught you, at least they'll seen the gleam in your eye. That's your only excuse and your best defense. Save a horse, ride a cowboy!