Terrible, Horrible, Brilliant Boy

We'd kissed a couple times, but he hadn't touched me the last few days since he came home. He's probably already back with her, just waiting to formally break up with me tomorrow, maybe tonight, maybe during the week he'll do it over the phone--I shouldn't even ask my brother to borrow his car.

Shouldn't even think of him as a friend anymore, there's no going back. He loves me, not like I love him, but enough to ruin everything. They'll be married before I graduate, maybe he'll text me during winter break, 'Hey, haven't heard from you in a while... I just wanted to let you know, Lily and me are getting married this spring. Talk soon.'

They should get married, they're grown up now, Daisy deserves it; I shouldn't feel that it's so unfair, I'm adult enough to not wish anything bad on a four-year-old. I wish he'd just get home, I should break up with him and carry on childishly and make him say exactly what he needs to.

His car's in the drive, why am I so excited? I'm gonna tell him I'm mad at him for ignoring me. He's got a white flower, I don't recognize it, it's for me...I'll never speak to him again if it's not for me. I'm wearing such a cute sky blue top, he'll like the lacy bits--then again he didn't say anything about the skirt I wore last night, it was cute and he should of tried to put his hand under it. I wore it for him. He sees me, smiles, opens the door; I'm posing now, pretending to fix the books on the table.

"Hey, pretty, how was your test?" He hands me the flower, it's an orchid maybe, I don't know, I'm an English major--I love it, I love him. He puts his books on the counter, he's still holding a folder, I kiss him on the mouth, maybe too anxiously.

"It wasn't bad, too much Goethe, not enough Wagner. Thanks for the flower, Jackie." As far as I know I'm the only one that consistently calls him that, it's mine. He pulls a piece of drawing paper out of the folder, I try to see it but he won't let me yet. I can't believe I've totally forgot about being pissed because of a single flower and some piece of paper that he's waving in front of me.

"I finished early too, and I completed this little drawing. I started it last night when you were sitting here reading." He showed me, my heart fluttered and my face must of flushed, I can't believe I'm so easy.

"I love it, I can't believe you drew me. It's great, Jackie." He drew in secret usually, I didn't think he was that good, but here I was in black and white. I can't believe all the detail he got, it's such a waste of misery, I'm pouting in my bed last night because he's not paying any attention to me and he's paying more attention than I know.

"You wanna go out tonight? You don't have any more tests, we haven't had much time this week." Yes, yes, yes.

"You have your last test tomorrow. You want to get take-out so you can study here?" Why did I just say that? I want time with him, I don't want to sit around after a twenty minute dinner in the kitchen.

"I don't want to study anymore, I'm set; and if I need to, I can always study for a couple hours in the afternoon. We could get take-out, but I really just wanna look at you and talk to you tonight, no more reading." I hugged him, pushed my boobs into his chest, to let him know I'm still his girlfriend.

"Indian take-out's gross, let's get Lebanese. I miss you. I don't want to go out anywhere, I want to spend all of tonight with you." He kissed my cheek, rubbed my lower back, I wasn't necessarily thinking about him packing up his car the next day.

"I like your smell, you're a strawberry." He picked me up by the waist and sat me on the table. I licked his top lip after he pecked my mouth. He kissed my neck for a little and nibbled on my ear. He's the most erotic thing I've ever experienced. I had a crush on him as soon as I saw him. So many nights in fantasy playing with myself thinking of him. I couldn't believe how good we got on, the first month of my freshman year I meet the perfect guy and we're best friends a few months later.

The whole kid thing never really interfered with my infatuation, that is, until I actually met his baby and her mother--who happened to be his girlfriend of years and years. Then they sort of broke up, then me and him sort of dated, and finally kissed for real and he decided we shouldn't, but then he'd kiss me a week later in my room. Moving in with him was sort of big, but he didn't think of it like I did. I thought I was moving in with the love of my life, he was just moving in with his college friend.

"You kiss nice, I miss your kiss." We made out for a while on the table. He unbuckled my belt.

"The table is uncomfortable. You wanna order the food and go in the living room?" He nodded, I buckled back up and went to the bathroom while he got the phone book out. I wanted to delay what I hoped would be inevitable, so we could talk and just kiss for a couple hours. He'd already told me his plans, moving in with Lily and Daisy since his job was back where he lives, and we'd agreed that we wouldn't be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore...but he never said he'd be getting back together with Lily, and we already made plans for me to come and visit the very next weekend. I'll tell him I love him later, we've said it before, will he hesitate?

He took a shower then went to pick up the food. I changed my underwear, new bra and panties, blue and white lace. I had waxed my legs when I got home from my test, they were only this smooth a couple times a year. I wonder if I should tell him, maybe he won't notice. I always notice when he shaves. I won't tell him, and I won't suck his dick if he doesn't mention my legs.

He's back. I'm gonna watch him eat, he hates it. He set the food down and he's looking at my chest.

"You changed?" Can he see through my clothes? I don't think the new bra makes my boobs look bigger.

"Just my underwear." He smiled. God, his teeth are perfect, square, white. He got two plates out and silverware. I don't think we have anything to drink, we'd cleared so much stuff out of here, there's no wine in the pantry. I should of bought some on the way home.

"Jack, I forgot we don't have anything to drink except juice." He put my plate at my seat and his at his real seat, sometimes he sits on the other side of the table, he's supposed to sit next to me on the corner.

"Want me to go to the liquor store?"

"No, we could just drink juice." He studied me, he thinks I want wine, he's gonna go get it, I don't want him to go out again.

"I'll go get some, it'll take a minute." I told him I didn't want wine and kissed him on the chin and made him sit down. He put my dinner on my plate for me and organized it like he was working on a piece of art. It irritated me that he put my food on my plate for me like he would for his daughter; it also turned me on kinda, that he's serving me. I didn't start eating, I watched him for a little then he noticed.

"You're not hungry?"

"Huh? I'm hungry, I was just thinking." He smiled and we ate and he told me about how it feels to be done with sixteen years of school. I let it slip that I waxed my legs when I was telling him about my day. He talked about how Daisy asked when I'd come play with her. He asked if I wanted to go to the petting zoo with him and Daisy on that Saturday I was to visit. That made me a whole lot happier, a plan made in the future past tomorrow. He was done eating, now he was watching me.

"Wanna listen to some records?"

"Yeah." Perfect make-out plan. He waited for me to finish, I ate agonizingly slow, he wasn't anxious or impatient. I told him I was done and he cleared our plates and took a minute to wash and dry the plates and silverware and placed them in the box. The last of the kitchenware to go in. I washed my hands and made sure there wasn't any food in my teeth or on my face. I should of put more lipstick on when he went to get the food.

"It's your turn to pick the records. They should all be in the box behind the couch." I went into the living room and leaned over the couch to fish out the only three records I ever really wanted to listen to. He came in and I could feel his eyes on me, I hope he liked my new panties peeking out the back of my jeans. I finally found the right records and handed them to him to put on. I sat down and waited for him to play Loretta Lynn.

I was nervous when he came to sit next to me. It's amazing how closely it resembled the nervousness I felt when he sat by me at that party where I first met him. It was someone's birthday party, but I can't remember how we ended up there. My roomate's friend knew Jack and I first saw him talking to her. I was sitting on the couch and she asked me something, I don't think he saw me until then, he just replied to what I said as if he was answering for my friend. The threeway conversation continued, then my friend got distracted by something and yelled to someone and she left.

He just sat next to me and continued asking about Rochester, my hometown, he wanted to know about this festival he heard about. It was such an easy conversation, he seemed interested in everything I had to say, he found out a lot about me, all he told me about him was his name. Once he leaned over and I thought he was gonna try to kiss me but he was just getting his drink off a side table. I went from terrified and turned on to embarrassed and bummed that he didn't kiss me.

I was used to getting to know people really well then never seeing or talking to them again. He got me a drink, I hadn't specified and was nervous that he'd get me alcohol but he brought back a soda. I was relieved because I'd never drank a full cup of beer or anything else, but then I felt a little lame because I probably seemed young to him. But I was young, I was only eighteen and he must of just turned twenty.

I don't know if I would of ever seen him again if my friend hadn't come back and asked him to come to a party for her sorority. I don't think I hung out with her three more times including her party. But that next party he found me and we talked again for a while and he asked for my phone number. He wasn't the first in college to ask, but he was the first to receive. And he called me.

"You're a philosopher tonight." I'd been in my own head for the first few songs, he shook me out. I bit his shoulder.

"I won't think so much if you kiss me a little." He held my hands and kissed me soft. It was as brilliant as anything, his mouth felt like it should, pressing against mine. He played with my hair and kissed my cheek and ear and neck.

"I'm glad you didn't cut your hair. You're beautiful." It felt like I was melting into him, anyway I wished I could. My Daddy was the only other man that'd ever called me that. Jack had said it before, but it was when we were just friends; it meant more now.

I maneuvered into his lap and put my arms around his neck. He held my waist and rubbed my lower back while he sucked on my tongue. My vagina was aware of what was transpiring, probably ruining my new panties. I didn't want to fuck on the couch, the couch wasn't nice. I licked his cheek and blew in his ear, resting my head on his shoulder to slow down the inevitable.

"This year was the best of my life, Jackie. Because of you." He found my eyes and smiled.

"You're perfect. My best friend. Do you still love me like you did when we returned from winter break?" He was referring to my recent confession to the extant of my infatuation with him when we really started to hang out my freshman year. He was redirecting maybe, he didn't say he loved me.

"I'd follow you anywhere if you wanted me too; I'd quit school, I'd become a pathetic mess for you." Maybe too much, but I think he got the irony, the fun drama.

"I'd put you back together and send you to class, hide from you, because I do love you." Jesus, he's always a step ahead of me. And that's probably why he doesn't get in trouble. I felt bad for Lily then. She's probably felt this exact same bitter-sweet agony, more times than I ever have with him.

The indecisive double-life of Jack. Which was a survival mechanism for him, I guess, a way to do what he felt he needed to do. But now he's hours away from re-uniting those two lives, and I'm going to either be the martyr or the 'other woman' suspending the unification. Which is strange since I'm his girlfriend.

I know he loves her, I'd be an imbecile not to think he's slept with her since we've been together. I'm not too worried about Lily 'though, I'll be with him tonight; and in a way that's like a stab to her, since they've already decided they're going to live together when he gets back. We'd already decided we're done, but tonight we aren't and I don't have plans for trying to get him to leave his family once they're back together.

"Put my heart back together then."

"I can't. I can't make mine go back together either." We reveled in the sappy and sentimental, that's probably why we always got on so well. Lily wasn't much for flowers, public silliness, and open declarations, I guess. He kissed me more, sweetly. I wished that the night would go on, just never past midnight. The record stopped we were still kissing, now his hands were wandering and groping.

"Want me to put the next record on?"

"No, then we'd have to move." So the static played on and we grew hotter and we were kissing so much my tongue and lips felt like they were starting to swell. I thought about telling him that I didn't think about my parents when I was with him, that besides for my grandma and little brother he was my family. Maybe that was fair to put on him, he owed me for all the kisses I'd given him, how I took care of him when his grandfather died, for all the womanly roles I'd taken on for him in the last few years.

"When I'm with you I don't think about my parents." I wasn't sure if I'd said what I meant. When we were together I didn't dwell on the absence of my parents, which had dominated my thoughts for the last five years.

"I like to think about your kiss." I kissed him with intensity and need then. I wanted to go upstairs with him and lay in his bed and kiss and talk, but that wouldn't work, we'd have exceptional sex then fall asleep. I wanted to take a bath with him and sit with my back against his chest, arms wrapped around me, but it was too early and he'd only taken a shower an hour ago. It just wouldn't make much sense getting sexy clean before getting sexy dirty.

"Wanna go upstairs, Jack? I'll tell you a dirty story."

"Only if it's about me and you." I was good at making up stories while he undressed me and pressed his naked mouth to my body. He stood and pulled me up to him. I thought he was going to pick me up so I pushed him and ran upstairs, he chased me into my room. I dove onto my messy bed and hid under the covers. He paused, I couldn't hear his breathing because mine was so loud. I felt his hands over the sheet on my stomach, then his mouth. I giggled and squirmed from his over-the-sheet exploration.

"Be a good girl and let me in." I held the sheet tighter over my head to the bed.

"What's the secret password?"

"I thought you told me all your secrets?"

"I do, but some need to be earned." He found my mouth over the sheet, the strangest kiss I'd ever experienced. I let the sheet down, my hair was a mess, he smoothed out the errant strands and caressed my cheek.

"As of this minute I'm all yours. What you want me to do? Climb the spire at Wadsworth Hall and carve your name in the stone?"

"Now that you mention it, yes. But I'd also settle for your eternal devotion."

"Even past the universe contracting back into singularity?" I nod, and I mean it.

"Even past the universe expanding so no complex molecules can form?" That look isn't lust, his brain just paused as he looked into me, he's not anywhere else but right here. He really does love me in an intense way. This isn't fair, I could fucking scream, jump up and punch the wall, kick a puppy...maybe not a puppy, a regular sized dog. I'm crying, I can't believe I'm crying. He's not gonna want to press me into the bed and make love to me when I'm sobbing.

"What's wrong?" I can't stop, I'm so dumb, I knew that it would end up this way. I knew it would, even before we were really together.

"You know why...you're going south tomorrow and I'm going north. I don't wanna go anywhere." He handed me a tissue from the night table and I pulled him against me. He was a foot taller than me, his feet must of been hanging off the bed.

"We're both a little Buddhist; we can be here now with the best of 'em." That's silly, I'll love him more when I imagine I'm back here with him.

"It is sort of perfect suffering and perfect happiness within a minute..."

"Glad you learned something in old Bradford's class, college girl."

"I want you to make me suffer more, I guess. Make me suffer when I want to go to sleep but you're playing with my boob and when I wake up and have to go but you won't let me go."