The Beginning According To DahngarbyPokey411©
You think you know everything about creation? You think they've all been telling you the truth? Boy, have you been under a fucking rock.
It goes like this...
The bastard upstairs said, "Let there be light?". And all of his discophiles glanced upon him and scowled, because it was a fucking stupid question. Mr. Happy Without Genitals thought this over for a few minutes, and then said, "Oh, yes, let there be light." And all of his discophiles again cursed and did look to the sky, for there should be much more flame and fire in that statement. Seemed that Asshole in the Sky wasn't feeling up to proclamations that day. He thought it over again, and then said, "Let there be Light!"
And this is why God is a moron.
People are burning in places because of his Light. There are hundreds of people put in hospitals in one year with third degree burns because of his Light. People burn out their fucking corneas looking at his Light. His Light might turn against him to the Dark one day, and the Earth might be sucked into an all mighty black hole. Therein lies the irony of our fight. All we've got to do is push certain aspects of his cursed Light in the right direction, and it can immediately become very, very Dark.
And lo, upon the great Light that he had created The Boss of All Things Fucking Stupid sat his fat ass, and said, "Let there be rocks...and trees, and birds, and stuff that looks kinda like them, but not quite." And Lo!, down on the pathetic Earth below there were the beasties, including the serpent, which later reverted to the Dark with a little bit of teasing with a dead mouse. I think the mouse was named Mickey, incidentally. And then the Father of All Useless Shit said, "Let there be Man!", and there appeared a Man. The Dark had a hand in this, though, because Man was quite well hung. We're talkin' ten or twelve inches. Or so I've heard.
So Man puttered about, deciding to call himself Adam, which is a shame. Two words, people: Adam Ant. The singer was a laughing stock to his profession. Adam puttered around, though, naming crap and generally being a dork. Unfortunately, masturbation wasn't a household name yet. Nor were a slew of other goodies that come in later in the story.
Man got lonely, though. The dumb dickhead. So he looked up to his greatness in the sky and said, "Yo, dude. This fuckin' sucks. I need a chick."
The Master of the Bald Pigeons looked down upon Adam and said, "Let there be Woman!... But here, lemme rip one of your ribs out first. Can't make something from nothing, you know." Which was a load of BS. The creator of Light, and he needs to use a part of one of his creations to make another. Whatta load of crap.
And so Eve was created. And Adam was happy. And they frolicked and jaunted and petted bunnies. You know this isn't going to last long, don't you?
As a matter of fact, my favorite part is coming up.
Eve, who was pretty hot (but poor Adam didn't see it), jaunted one day into a really pretty garden. And she sat beneath a tree. In the tree was a snake. Well, a serpent, if you read some of the books about it. Whatever it was, it didn't have any legs, and it was a living metaphor for ... use your imagination. Eve did look upon the animal with no legs and giggle. The serpent, whom we will call Jeffrey, looked at Eve and flicked his tongue out.
Really, that was all it took. Imagine being subliminally repressed for eons, not even knowing you had the ability to procreate. And you can read about it all you want, there wasn't any words spoken. One flick of that tongue, and Eve was a whole new gal.
Eve rushed off to tell... show Adam all of the new stuff she had suddenly thought of. Adam was a complete dud, though, because he suggested that they should just continue to frolic and bounce like pathetic little peons and forget all about sticking his happy part into hers. Eve, fortunately, was quite convincing. There really should be a nice book written about that and sent into Playboy, but unfortunately I don't have a way with words.
So they fucked like minks.
He of Absent Balls looked down upon his creations in the middle of one of their rolls in the hay, and scowled. Actually, few people know his true reasoning around the things he did to poor Adam and Eve. Y'see, he was quite jealous about the fact that -they- could fuck, and -He- couldn't. And jealousy turned into anger, and he said unto them, "What the Hell are you doing?". Jeffery, who was still curled around the branch of a tree, snickered because the Big Pie In the Sky had just uttered the word 'Hell'. I think it's the first time the word was actually used.
Eve looked up to the sky and said, "Just what that dude over there told me to, sir." And then she did point to poor Jeffery, who tried rather unsuccessfully to hide in the leaves of the tree. Nice fellow, Jeffery. Seen him quite a few times back home.
After He took care of Jeffery, He looked down upon Adam and Eve and said, "Lo, let Eve have bloating, mood swings, and bleeding once every 28 to 30 days. And let Adam have facial hair and spontaneous erections!" And thunder did crash and lightening did flash, because He was getting better at this shit.
And, through it all, the Dark played a part. It's always played a part. Now, though, it's easier. We've got the stuff, children. All we need is some lube and a little leather.
((First submission ... expect more. Feedback appreciated. ;) ))
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