tagHumor & SatireThe Case of the Missing Boyfriend

The Case of the Missing Boyfriend


© GratefulFred 2008. All characters are over the age of 18.

The Case of the Missing Boyfriend

Chapter 1

It was Valentines Day around ten thirty AM when Detective Carney stepped into his office. For some people it was a day off, but to a local detective, everyday was seemingly like a day off.

Carney put down his three and one-quarter cup mug of coffee as his secretary brought him the normal pile of junk mail. It consisted mostly of overdue bills, a package of defective but heavily discounted penis enlargement pills and a vacuum sex instructional video from candidate Ron Paul.

It was hard not to notice the fine curvature figures of his European secretary who spoke little English but was willing to work under the table due to the fact that she hadn't the proper US Work Visa and loved sucking cock from that cramped position.

A knock came from the outer door as a bombshell of a babe entered looking for assistance. Carney figured she was in the thirty to thirty eight B-DDD range as she was escorted into his office.

"My name is Ms.Read and I am in need of someone to follow my boyfriend," spoke the dame with the red lips.

"Follow? 'fraid sloppy seconds is my middle name, Miss?" Carney responded as his eyes moved from one breast to the other.

Ms.Read moved closer. "Detective, I am only interested in you finding Charlie, not fucking me. Though he's my boyfriend I haven't even fucked him. And please can you look in my eyes when I am talking to you and not my gorgeous breasts? Oops…nipple slip."

Ms.Read, realizing the situation, hastily lowered part of her dress to allow her second nipple to get some air and make sure everything was symmetrical. She then got up.

Carney heard some seductive words coming from some vocal devise above her pointy nipples. "Listen detective. My boyfriend will be performing at the opera tonight. Please find out what you can."

Ms.Read dropped two opera tickets on the table and left. On the way out she accidentally bumped into Carney's secretary, grabbed a quick touch of her breast and left in a rush.

Carney was on a case at last. Reaching down he pulled out a bottle of booze, which left him with less than a case. He glanced at the opera tickets and read the name of the famous opera. It was the American pirate of the Chinese original, "Phantom of the Cock Era." The opera was playing at the Stonewall Station Club at Ten PM.

Being on a deadline, Carney glanced at his watch and then brought up a program on his computer that would calculate the number of times he would be able to masturbate and still make it to the show on time. Carney logged in, waited impatiently as the program crunched the numbers, inputting type of lotion, historical data, hand speed, hand strength, and many other factors into consideration, and finally came up with the precise answer – 0.

"Damn it!" Carney asserted as his secretary came in, telling Carney in some foreign language gibberish that meant he had a phone call. Carney reached down to see if it was his probation officer.

"Yo Carney my man. Were you just fooling with your Online Masturbation Calculator?" Shendude asked.

"No way my telepathic buddy. Hey, almost forgot, aren't we going to have lunch at the Burger Brothel today?" Carney replied.

"Absolutely. Remember it is Valentines Day so the place should be loaded. Listen there's this girl I met online who actually works there. Dig it. Her name is Lola."

Carney faded into a quick daydream as he envisioned Lola, a ninety-pound geek girl. He was wearing his collectable 2007 Miami Dolphins linebacker outfit. Pulling down his pants, the geek girl is stared at Carney's monster cock. Lola opened her mouth wide as Carney visualized his gigantic cock, squeezing into Lola's stretched mouth and coming out through her left nostril with room to spare.

Carney imagined blasting off two seconds later as cum shot out all over his chest. Carney smiled as he looked down at his monster cock, now out of Lola's mouth and covered in yummy buggers. Lola's milky green covered smile was one for the ages. Falling back into reality, Carney realized that Shendude hung up the phone.

Carney glanced at his watch and realized he had some fifteen minutes to spare before going out on his lunch date. Suddenly the phone rang and from the caller ID Carney saw the initials "MJL". Thinking that it might be some new Male Justice League comic subscription, Carney decided to see about the new comic offer.

"Detective Carney?"


"I understand you just had a visit from Ms.Read. Am I correct?"

"Well your caller ID says MJL but if you want to be called 'Corry Ect' that's ok with me."

"Huh? Listen Detective and listen good…"

"My ears are fine Corry. Did you have some music you wanted to play me?"

"No. I'm not going to play you any music…"

"So why did you call Corry?"

"My name's not Corry."

"But you just said you were."

"My name is not important. What is…"

"Ok Knot M Portant…what did you want to speak to me about?"

"Huh? What do you really know about Ms.Read?"

"Do you mean like reading the sleep inducing Wall Street Journal instead of something of major importance like Penthouse Forum?"

"No I mean the lady Ms.Read who just came in your office."

"She just had some nipple slips. I'm not sure weather she had an orgasm. You can never tell with dames."

"Listen detective. I am warning you to drop the case."

"But if I drop the case that'll be messy." (Carney looks between his legs)

"Well I guess I can't take any chances…" A metallic click came over the connection.

"You could still take a community chest."

"Detective will you look outside your office window at the building across from you."

"Oh my god. That sick bastard."

"No. The window not the mirror."

"Oh you mean "The Window"?

"Do you see me with my rifle aimed at your head?"

"No. I see some Peeping Tom jerking off."

"Damn it detective. Stop looking at that other mirror and just look outside."

"Oh you mean outside. Why didn't you say so?"

As Carney walked towards the window the telephone cord went taunt. Carney lost his footing as a result and in so doing, yanked the telephone cord and telephone off the desk. The telephone hit and loosened one of the mirrors. Carney reached to grab it as it fell. Getting up Carney wobbled to the open window with the mirror facing out. Carney heard a gunshot and felt a brush of air by his ear as he heard a scream from outside, "You blinded me you bastard!" Carney watched as a man with a rifle fell down, smashed a hole in the bus of the Minnesota Vikings football team, who were just humiliated by the Satan lead…I mean Bill Bilichick lead New England Patriots. Carney plugged the phone back in.

No sooner did the phone get plugged in than the letters MJL showed up on the caller ID. Picking up the phone, Carney heard a different voice.

"Hi this is Brutus the middle linebacker. I got your friend's cell phone here and since you were the last one he called, I figure we better let you know of our butt fucking intentions if you know what I am saying."

"Saying? That's Knot Important."

"Huh? I am sure your friend here doesn't think he's not important. So let me ask you one more time. Is it ok if we sodomize your pleading friend here on our long bitter journey back?"

"That would be Corry Ect."

"Thank you so much. BOYS! HUDDLE UP!"

Carney heard some screaming as the phone clicked off. Looking at his watch he saw that he wasted too much time on that strange conversation. Shendude was no doubt on his way to the Burger Brothel. And with that Carney ventured outside, somewhat disappointed that he wasn't getting a free comic subscription.

Chapter 2

Using the latest time warp technology, we look back in time about an hour. A few blocks away, Shendude is busy preparing for a new day at work. His "Sex Doll Consignment Shop" is the rave across most of the galaxy but seems to have a hard time gathering much respect on Earth. Nonetheless, Shendude, the true visionary businessman that he is, has high hopes for several of his other ventures such as his Online Masturbation Calculator website, even if the only paying customer thus far is his good friend Carney.

Jimmy waits outside for the doors to open. He has a big bag over some object with legs hanging out. Two policemen stroll up behind Jimmy, looking suspiciously at the package. Jimmy grows a bit paranoid as the cops pull out their flashlights. Jimmy throws the sex doll to the ground and runs off. As he runs around the corner, the two cops share a good laugh with Shendude who has brought them some coffee.

"Newbee?" one of the cops offers.

Shendude slips the cops each a $20 bill. "Yeah. Already billed his credit card for the deposit."

"So how was Sharon? Wasn't she great?" Sergeant Steve asks.

Shendude breaks out in a big smile and guides the officers into his modest looking store. Behind the curtain, Shendude proudly shows off his production operation. In the very back he shows off one particular sex doll.

"Well here's Sharon," Shendude says with a smile.

"Wow! She really looks life like." Sergeant Gary comments as he feels up the sex doll.

"And here's the rest of her," Shendude responds as some thick red chunky liquid bobbles in a thick glass tube over a furnace. Just below is semi-automatic bottle filler. Several ketchup bottles are along side on a conveyor belt.

Sergeant Steve just remembers something. "My wife just loves your ketchup and has noticed it seems a bit spicy lately. New recipe?"

Shendude points to several dolls with the names Maria, Teresa and Yolanda over them.

"Think about it a second my good friends. We can have all the sex we want with no worries of catching a disease, having to deal with a woman complaining all the time about her figure, or the worst - asking to go shoe shopping," Shendude says as all three men shudder and grab at their hearts at that last dreadful thought.

Shendude continues. "Ever since we overcame the robotic challenge of the pulsating pussy and wrap around tongue movements, the days of women's rein over this planet will soon be ending. Ha! Ha! Ha!"

The police officers each grab two large folded up dolls and wish Shendude goodbye. They head back to their other job of directing traffic.

Now alone, Shendude notices that Carney is on his website. He quickly changes a number from twelve hundred to zero, and then waits about thirty seconds to call his buddy. After he announces his lunch plans, he notices that Carney seems to be panting. Shendude, being way too busy, hangs up on his good friend.

A moment later, a sophisticated radio wave device went off indicating an Alien was looking for some action.

The universal translator gives us the English version of what was spoken.

"Shendude!" screamed Xoxo over the PA system.

"How can I help you General Xoxo?" Shendude responded, feeling somewhat frightened at that moment.

"Concerning that last sex doll you sent me. You gave your word that she'd have no problem taking on my large penis. YOU LIED!!!" General Xoxo screamed as the store began to shake.

Shendude grabbed a wireless headphone and headed down to the basement, speaking as he locked a steel door behind him. "General, I have told you more than once a 1 millimeter sized cock is more then adequate".

Shendude had to lower the volume as he heard General Xoxo laugh. "Ha! Ha! You humor me Shendude. The day I count my penis size in millimeters and not nanometers is the day I start making some porno movies. Ok Shendude I won't fire my destructive ray and vaporize your planet today. Maybe tomorrow I will."

"Well I'm sure Princess Babygrrl wouldn't want Earth blown to smithereens anyways," Shendude responded as he sent a quick email to Lola at the Burger Brothel.

General Xoxo suddenly realized out loud, "Holy Upside Down Fuck! (Closest translation possible) I almost forgot Princess Babygrrl's orders. Apparently she's got the hots for this human lady named Ms.Read. We have already dispatched the most feared assassin in the galaxy, MJL, to make sure he kills her boyfriend or anyone who stands in our way. If Ms.Read mates with this Charlie guy, I can definitely promise you that Earth will be destroyed. Unless of course Led Zeppelin really starts a reunion tour, in which case we'll wait a bit. Shendude heard a loud "Pffft." over the interstellar communicator. "Ah shit I just farted. See you later human," General Xoxo said.

Shendude went up from the basement, hung a "Gone to Lunch" sign on the door and left for the Burger Brothel to meet up with Carney for lunch and other things. While waiting outside he saw a giant mushroom cloud in the sky and noticed the air smelled really nasty.

Chapter 3

Shortly after Detective Carney rushed out to meet Shendude for his lunch date at the Burger Brothel, Carney's secretary pulled out a glowing cell phone device. After pressing several symbols an eerie conversation took place.

(Translated to Earth English)

"This is Agent Darkbee reporting in."

Several seconds pass before there is any response. "Who dares disturb the Almighty Zo in the middle of a sex act?"

"This is Darkbee sir and if I wasn't on this damn boring planet I too would be having some sex right now."

"Darkbee? We have so many agents stationed on Earth. Are you that escaped lunatic we believe is living on the beach in Tel Aviv?"

"No sir. I was originally sent to cool Amsterdam. But after a bad poker hand I was forced to be in this boring ass USA country; stuck here sucking an insignificant Earth cock."

Zo paused for a second. "How insignificant are we speaking?"

"Let's just say they measure in inches," responded Darkbee as he lowered a catch between his legs. A large seven foot cock landed on the floor with a thump, causing the building to shake.

"Gillygoogle! (Closest translation). No wonder our Evil Sorceress Princess Rydia, heir to the planet Transsexual and daughter of Riff-Raff and Magenta, wants to exterminate those Earthmen."

"Shall I ever do the 'Time Warp' again?"

"Before I answer that, I want to address the fact that you did contact us. So I take it you have news of Ms.Read?"

"Oh yes. She has not had sex with Charlie yet, but she's planning to do so. I did put a tracer on her when we exchanged boob grabs."

Zo seemed quite pleased. "Very good Darkbee. Princess Rydia has taken a fancy to that Ms.Read Earth woman, after hearing that Princess Babygrrl wanted her. It's a Princess thing so don't try and understand the matters of royalty."

"Oh I forgot to mention, I am currently working for this Earth Detective, who's on this case."

This seemed to make Zo a bit concerned. "The wheels are now in motion and we can't afford anyone interfering with our plans. I say you take out this Detective first since we have a tag on our chosen target."

"I shall exterminate him at lunch at the Burger Brothel," Darkbee responded.

"Do so and be careful if that dreaded MJL makes an appearance. Even when we do kidnap Ms.Read, I know that I'll take extreme pleasure in destroying that insignificant planet. Unless of course if there really is a Led Zeppelin reunion tour. Hey Hey Mamma…"

~-~-~ ~-~-~

The Burger Brothel had a slight waiting line of men who typically were looking over their shoulder when Carney showed up. Shendude arrived around the same time but there was no wait because, well, he is Shendude after all.

A little history of the Burger Brothel is in order. Archeologists in the Judean desert accidentally stumbled on what is to be believed to be the ancient cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. The chief archeologist, who claimed to have escaped from another planet, found the remains of an ancient city some 20 years ago while hiking up a mountain pass one hot early morning. As fate would have it, a smoke cloud from a nearby hashish burning plant temporarily blinded him, causing him to make an ill advised left when common sense logic would have dictated a right. A right meant life and a left meant crash, bang, boom, ugh.

As can be expected, the laws of gravity prevailed and in fact the result was a crash, a bang, a boom, and an "ugh" followed by a long "ahhhhhhh" as the archeologist fell inside a deep dark cave. While inside the cave, he discovered several hieroglyphic drawings of stick figures on various stones with signs of large cocks and tits. The fact that a few cell phone numbers were on the walls proved how advanced a civilization the ancient people were.

Also worthy of mention was a picture of Carmen from South Park on the wall, which suggests that they may have even discovered time travel at best and good culture at the least. Several bones of a man and woman located on top of each other were also found in the cave, thus giving rise to the fact that this society was so far advanced that they had discovered a rude form of sex.

Though the tourist venue failed miserably, a buyer was found in North America who brought (via ebay naturally) over the stones at considerable expense and used them in building the Burger Brothel. The fact that the building burned down two weeks after opening due to some ancient rocks knocking over the grease fryer pretty much mutes the story.

Now the new rebuilt Burger Brothel is a true male fantasy. Built to please, naked women rub their shaved pussies over each 100% all beef patty as it works its way on an automatic conveyor belt towards the fryer, giving each burger it's distinctive flavor. The triangle vagina or cock shaped French fries are served with your choice of cum sauce, extra spicy cum or straight up naked cum or for a premium, virgin cum. The drinks are poured straight out of a nipple soda machine that appear and feel lifelike according to the inventor Shendude. The prices for different sex acts are stated in writing on the menu, although management has thought about doing away with a half blowjob special.

"So Carney my man, any interesting clients?" Shendude asked as the waitress came over.

"Yeah…" Carney responded as he felt the waitress grab at his cock.

"You mind telling me who?" asked Shendude as he slipped the waitress a twenty.

"I…ah…where am I?" Carney stuttered as his zipper came undone.

"Have you seen this woman?" Shendude asked as he pulled out a picture.

Carney was in the midst of a blowjob and was making a silly face. Shendude grabbed his friend and made sure he could get a good look at the picture.

Carney suddenly tilted his head back and exclaimed, "I GOTTA FUCKING PEE!!!" and knocked the waitress over as he bee lined it to the restroom.

While taking a whiz, he heard a sound from the next stall over.

"Hey buddy want to suck my cock?" says a guy as a cock came through a glory hole.

"No man suck mine please?" said another voice from the stall on the other side, followed by a visiting penis.

A third voice, this one a he-she, came from behind the toilet. "I got tits and am allowed in the girls bathroom. So please suck my cock," as a third cock came into play.

Suddenly a head bopped up from the toilet itself. "Dude, your piss is nasty. You should change your diet."

As Carney zipped up his pants and opened the door, a guy with his pants down was jerking off in front of him. The guy had a sign on reading "Will give head for Booze and Cigarettes."

"Damn homeless!" Carney exclaimed as he brushed by the man.

Outside the restroom he heard several girls crying. He couldn't help but be brought into the conversation.

"Oh Susan I do wish I could fuck her as a man but I am only a woman," said one of the girls.

"Oh Charlie, don't worry. I am sure Ms.Read will love you for who you are," responded the other girl as the two locked lips.

With a reassuring hand on her breasts Charlie proclaimed, "I will propose to her during the Opera tonight."

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