tagRomanceThe Colour of Silence

The Colour of Silence


With the snow returned the dreams about you. The white innocence was a quasi mockery of my pain, glossing everything over but the loss, the empty space beside me that I thought could never be filled again. It made everything look pristine and like a coherent whole; covering the shambles of my life.

White is the colour of silence.
Red is the colour of pain.

Arriving at Heathrow half an hour late, confused and jet-lagged, scanning the crowd for you and Steven, but you had not been there. Our then manager Pete, six feet tall, a bear of a man, hugging me with an upset expression on his face in unbearable silence. Then telling me that you both had vanished from my life, in an instant, in a moment of inattentiveness when the other driver had bent down to retrieve his can of lager, crashing head-on into your car.

I pictured it, although my eyes have never seen your bruised face bleeding into the pristine snow under your overturned car, calling out to me in agony, until all that was left was silence. At the same time I was sitting behind the drum kit, carefree and overjoyed by the knowledge that this was the last concert of our tour; that I would return into your arms thereafter.

On the black days, everyone told me that they felt my pain. The more experienced ones said it would always be with me, but fade in time. They were wrong. It was as fresh as it had always been, as fresh as the falling snow.

Four years had passed, but the silence was still there.

Steven would be twelve now and could have joined me on my climb up the snow-covered peaks of the Scottish highlands. You were always too scared of heights, but he was taking after his father in that respect.

I hadn't listened to the weather report. The blizzard-like snowfall took me by surprise. There was a shelter not far from here; I had seen it on one of my previous ascents. The icy wind and the thick snow was blinding me, I stumbled and fell, slipped down the slope and bumped my right leg painfully into a rock.

Of course it was madness to attempt this ascent alone and with minimal gear. Of course I knew that there was a good chance to die. Maybe it was an attempt at suicide, trying to tempt fate to reunite me with you. In the first year after you'd been gone, I had taken so many drugs that it was a miracle that I survived, until Simon interfered and got me to agree to therapy.

Had it worked? I had not taken any drugs since, left the band, left everything I knew behind, sold our house in Scotland and just kept the flat in London. The numbness and emptiness remained.

The sharp edges of the rock had cut through my trousers. Red mingled with white. I could have tried to get up and reach the shelter. What for?

The memory of your smile and Steven's mischievous grin appeared on the white canvas, which slowly engulfed me, making me part of the wild and soothing landscape. I would have smiled back, but my face was frozen. My eyes closed as I felt life seeping out of me.


"He is opening his eyes."

A face appeared out of nowhere in my field of view. A bearded fellow wearing an expression of relief and concern.

"There we go. Can you understand me?"


"We found you on the eastern slope and have carried you to the shelter. Judging by the little gear you were carrying you cannot have been alone. Can you tell me where your climbing partner or party is? When did you get separated?"

"No, I was ... alone."

The bearded man shook his head and glanced over to a woman who arrived in front of my bunk, carrying a cup of hot tea.

"And you said I was crazy to attempt this ascent ... "

"That is not important now."

She had an astonishingly deep and sonorous voice for such a small person. Her green eyes probed mine as she handed me the cup. The bearded man continued his interrogation.

"Are you in pain? The wound on your leg looks nasty. You have lost a lot of blood. I am no good at first aid, neither of us is, but I think it might be broken also."

I tried to move my leg a little. It hurt, but not as much as it would have when broken.

"Nah, I think it's ok."

The green eyes fixed on mine before she asked the question I didn't want to hear.

"Why didn't you get up then?"

"Long story."

The bearded man's face darkened.

"Looks like we have a lot of time on our hands, so you can tell us all about it when you feel like it. No mobile reception up here, I'm afraid. Looks like we are stuck for the time being. If the blizzard continues like that, we might actually spend Christmas in this place. I will go outside and try to get in as much firewood as I can gather before everything is snowed under. You rest and come to your senses. I am William by the way, and that is my little sister Julie."


"Pleased to make your acquaintance Neil. I leave you to Julie's tender care then."

With those words he left the shelter and rummaged outside of it, swearing and moaning. Julie came over to the bunk bed with a bowl of hot water and some pieces of cloth.

"There is a first aid kit in here, but I have to clean your wound first. Can you take off your trousers please?"

I struggled to follow her wishes and eventually she helped me, as the trousers clung to my leg, where blood had clotted around the wound. The injured leg looked almost blue. Julie's eyes widened in trepidation.

"Oh dear, I hope that is just from the cold and not blood poisoning or something."

She cleaned the wound very carefully and then dressed it with some bandages she had found in the first aid kit. The gash was deep and still bleeding a little, but I felt astonishingly little pain.

"Maybe I should massage your thigh a little to increase the blood circulation, what do you think? Or is that going to make your wound bleed more?"

"Try it. I think the colour is really just coming from the cold."

William came back in with some logs he had found outside, put them close to the fireplace and then came over to have a look at Julie's handiwork.

"You should massage his leg a little to get his circulation going again."

"I was about to."

"Good, I get some more wood. Are you feeling all right Neil? I have some Scotch in my backpack if the pain gets too bad."

"It's all right, I don't feel that much."

He disappeared again with a satisfied nod. Julie started massaging my thigh muscles, quite expertly so, which made the colour change gradually.

"Oh, look it is working."

She sounded positively chuffed and continued more vigorously thereafter. The pain increased slightly, but it didn't look like there was a lot of blood coming out of the wound, as there were just a few red dots on the white bandage. She could have stopped, as my leg looked the same as the other one colour-wise, but she didn't. The increased blood flow didn't stop at my legs. It had been four years that I had allowed any woman to touch me. As weird and embarrassing as it was in that situation, I felt blood rushing elsewhere, forming a little tent in my briefs.

Of course, she noticed it. Her hands did not leave my thigh, but stroked instead of digging into my muscle now, slowly trailing up to the seam of my briefs and quickly retreating when the door was opened again and William wedged himself in with a pile of firewood on his shoulders.

"Can you give me a hand Julie?"

She nodded and quickly helped me pulling up my trousers, before assisting her brother with the logs.

After informing him about her successful ministrations, she joined him outside to get more wood in. The blizzard hadn't abated and the likelihood that we would have to spend not only the night but perhaps a few days in the shelter was growing exponentially with that. William's prediction that we would spend Christmas here was becoming also more realistic. It was the 22nd December.

The evening reached us exhausted and a little tipsy from the Scotch William handed around. He talked a lot about himself, mountaineering and photography, as this was not only his avocation but apparently also his passion. To my surprise, Julie filled him in, when I evasively told them that I had been a musician and was currently not doing anything. She knew who I was, even owned up to have been a fan of our band, when I was still a member. She was a primary school teacher, but was rather quiet and reticent about her life, so most of the time it was William talking.

There were four bunk beds in the shelter and after I returned from a quick stroll outside to answer a call of nature, I found William already asleep in the lower one closest to the fire, while Julie put a few more logs in the fire to keep it going during the night. I had sunk in the snow outside and my trousers were wet up to my knees.

"Better take those off and dry them here beside the fire."

William started snoring while I followed her advice, feeling strangely tense and mildly aroused.

"Let me have a quick look at the wound before we turn in."

I sank down on the other bunk and observed her taking off the bandage, carefully changing the patch of gauze and then putting it back on again.

"Looks good, as far as I can tell. Are you in pain?"

"Not that much."

"You might be a little cold without your trousers on. Hang on."

She climbed up to the upper cot and returned with a woollen blanket.

"But then you don't have any."

"There is another one in the bunk above William's. And I thought we could use this one together."

With those words she quickly took off one of her sweaters and her trousers, joining me in my bunk before I could protest, climbing over me, so that she rested on my left side opposite the wounded leg. She snuggled up to me, burying my left leg under hers, still covered by a thick tights. The warmth of her body was sending shockwaves of delight and anxiousness throughout my body.

William's snoring was getting louder and fiercer.

"Now you know why I am not keen on doing overnight trips with him. I hope you can sleep with that noise. Are you comfy?"


Comfy wasn't exactly how I felt though. Truth be told, I was petrified. I felt her soft breasts pushing against my side and her left thigh had moved up dangerously close to the bulge that had formed in my briefs again. Her left arm rested on my chest. I avoided looking at her, but I felt her gaze on me. The room was lit by the fire, flaring up in between, near in unison with the waves of awkward arousal I felt.

Almost in slow motion, her hand trailed down from my chest to my belly, reaching over to my hip, her elbow coming in contact with my now palpably swollen dick. I had not been with a woman for four years, had not even masturbated, as all I could think about was you, and it would have been too painful to enjoy. I turned my head to face Julie, looking straight into her calm and slightly flushed face. Her hand started wandering again, turning inwards to my belly, then downwards, tentatively first, but with some determination. I held my breath, when she slowly traced the outline of my manhood over my briefs.

She moved her head closer to my mine, until we were but an inch apart, while her hand went up again and then delved into my briefs, clasping my knob and turning it upwards.

I closed my eyes, when she squeezed and rubbed it with her small hand, feeling her somewhat irregular breath on my face. She reached down further to cup and play with my balls, causing a full blown erection in the process. Julie's hand tugged on my briefs and I opened my eyes again and assisted her in pulling them down. She rubbed her leg along mine and I could feel some heat emanating from the heart of her femininity through the tights.

The snoring had stopped all of a sudden, and like children caught doing something naughty, we both froze, listening breathlessly into the silence that was quickly broken by some grunts and then the sounds of William turning in his bunk. A minute later, the now familiar cover of his snoring allowed us to proceed. She gingerly brushed her face against mine, as her tiny hand clasped the shaft of my aching member. She slowly moved it up and down while our lips met in a soft unhurried kiss. I turned slightly onto my left side and traced her back and her hips with my right hand. Her ministrations became more intense and I couldn't help but groaning and sighing into her ear.

My left arm was wedged under my body, but I had enough freedom of movement to fondle her thighs with my left hand; not enough to get up between her legs though. She really yanked hard on my dick now, locking me into a passionate kiss at the same time, and the years of abstinence predictably hastened the inevitable. I withdrew from her lips to alert her to the impending opening of the floodgates, but it was too late already and I felt my whole body shaking and tensing as I came, leaving a sticky mess on both our bodies and the woollen blankets. She ignored that fact completely and pressed herself closer to me, kissing me softly and stroking my hair.

We lay motionless for a few minutes, in a state of suspended animation, quiet and strangely fulfilled, until I felt I should return the favour and turned her on her back. I propped myself up on my left arm and roamed her body with my right hand, finding one wet patch after the other on her clothes from my profuse outburst, then slipping it under her jumper and revelling in the warm soft skin of her belly, trailing higher to cup her rather large breasts, her nipples standing upright in the soft fabric of her bra. She had closed her eyes and wore a relaxed and contended smile, as I explored her body. She assisted me when I tugged down her tights and knickers, without opening her eyes. I kissed her forehead, then moved down to her lips, as my hand trailed cautiously down to her pubes, spreading out my fingers and touching her so lightly that she shook several times as it must have been close to tickling.

I felt the heat from the centre of her womanhood, when brushing over it to fondle her thighs. The passion of her kiss alerted me to her urgent need to be touched there rather than being teased and stroked, so I hastened to oblige and parted the warm moist folds of her labia and started spreading the moisture all alongside her sex.

She moaned and kissed me fiercer, as I locked in on her astonishingly large clit, rubbing it in circular and up and down motions. She heaved her hips and thrashed her head around when I broke our kiss, groaning and moaning very distinctly, an odd counterpart to the violent snoring coming from the other bunk. Her mouth started twitching uncontrollably; then she came with a loud sound somewhere between moan and scream.

The snoring stopped for a few seconds, leaving us once again in breathless silence, before we resumed by snuggling up to each other, my hand still resting on and fondling her wet sex. We lay awake for another half hour, kissing and stroking, after we had managed to clean ourselves up a little and dressed up enough to avoid unnecessary awkwardness if being discovered by William in the morning.


When I woke up the next morning, Julie had already left our bunk and made some coffee, William was awake but unwilling to get up as yet. Julie must have been up for quite some time, as the fire was roaring already. She noticed that I was awake.

"Good morning Neil. Did you sleep all right? How is your leg?"

I was asking myself the same question that very moment. It did hurt, much worse than the day before, which wasn't surprising, but gave me some qualms of how I would be able to descend to the valley.

"Morning. I don't know, it hurts."

"Don't try to get up yet. Here, have a cup of coffee first. We still have some sandwiches from yesterday, so we don't have to open any of the emergency rations here. What would you like? Cheese? Egg and bacon? Turkey?"

William arose with some deep grunts and stretching and staked his claims on the turkey sandwich, before announcing his need to go outside and relieve himself first. Through the opened door I saw that the blizzard had stopped, only few flakes were dancing towards the bright white canvas. William looked excited about this fact, before closing the door.

I used his absence to try and get up and put my trousers on. My jumper and briefs were full of cum stains. Julie smiled when she saw that.

"Took me a while to get mine out too."

She brought a wet piece of cloth and quickly rubbed the visible stains, then brought over my trousers.

"Hang on, let me check the wound first."

She had just unwrapped the bandages when William returned, sitting down at the table and munching his sandwich while he observed Julie's administrations.

"Doesn't look too bad outside. I think we could make it down if we start soon."

Julie looked at the wound that was deep red and oozing some clear liquid. I flinched a little when she touched it with a warm wet cloth.

"Not with this we won't. I don't think Neil can move with this. We would have to make a stretcher or something, or one of us has to go down alone and get some help."


William finished his sandwich and gulped down his coffee.

"Well, I could do that, obviously. The snow is quite deep. Since you are so tiny, you are bound to sink in up to your tits."


"Whatever. If I did this, I'd have to start soon though. It took us four hours to get up this far, it is likely to take me at least six hours to get down under these conditions, but I am perfectly willing to try it. Are you two going to be all right on your own?"

We both nodded at the same time. Although it was obvious that William would risk his life in an attempt to descend and get some help, I was looking forward to being alone with his sister. On the other hand, I was dreading it. What had happened the night before, had been some sort of spur of the moment thing. What now, what next though? Your picture flashed before my eyes.

Half an hour later, William was gone. The weather seemed to hold, there was even some patches of blue skies and occasionally the sun showing during the morning. When I stepped outside to pee, I marvelled at the grandeur of the scenery, the majesty of the mountainside. We were trapped by it, and yet a part of it by being reduced to creatures struggling for survival.

I hobbled back into the cosy shelter, where I found Julie in the process of washing herself with some warm water, completely naked. That image was like a shock; what had happened before had happened under the cover of the night, had been a manifestation of a nameless desire for warmth and gratification, where, as weird as that might sound, it could have been anybody. Now, with her standing at the window in front of the sink, anything that followed would be heading into another uncharted territory.

I sat down on the cot and watched her cleansing herself, drying herself off with a piece of cloth no bigger than a tea towel.

"There is still some warm water here, if you'd like. I can help you if you have trouble standing up."

I answered in a somewhat breathy voice.

"That'd be very nice."

Julie put some logs on the fire before carrying the basin to the bunk. She made no attempt to dress again, making it perfectly clear what she expected to happen next. She helped me out of my clothes, and my body seemed to agree with her assessment, as my rising cock quite emphatically demonstrated. Her hands were trembling when she wrapped the wet cloth around it and gingerly dabbed the helmet.

Once again your picture flashed before my mind's eye. Within seconds, the spell was broken, the inescapability of the situation overturned by the all too familiar feeling of pain and loss. When her hand closed around my penis without the cloth, I quickly arrested it and silently shook my head. Julie froze; then retreated, looking confused and sad. I wanted to explain to her that I wasn't rejecting her, but I couldn't muster coherent thoughts, leave alone sentences. We both dressed in silence.

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