tagHumor & SatireThe Day Elvis Came To Our House

The Day Elvis Came To Our House


The day Elvis came to our house, I was in a pissy mood because my husband had forgotten to close the garage door the night before and when the yard sprinklers turned on at oh-dark-hundred, the sprinkler that I'd driven my truck over last year and twisted all cattywompus sprayed like a firehose right through the garage door and in my truck window, which I'd left open because I'd spilled a cup of Dannon's yogurt on the passenger seat the day before and the thing needed a good airing out. I had also picked up my slinkiest black dress with the dry cleaning and left it on the front seat, still in the plastic bag, because my friend Tina had asked to borrow it for a party she was going to that night.

Well, the water got inside the plastic and ruined the dress, so you can see how I would be in a really pissy mood, and the absolute last person I wanted to see at the door right then was Elvis.

"Damnit Elvis," I said, the annoyance spilling into my voice, "you couldn't have called first? So what's up? You been scaring the checkout girls at Safeway again?"

"Now that's not my fault, Carole," Elvis replied, crestfallen. He was sensitive about that stuff, which ok, I admit wasn't totally his fault. He'd had to give up his part-time job at Harold's Chevron because of it. Of course, it's not like he needed the money anyway, but when you love the smell of gasoline as much as he did, you somehow find a way.

"Well, come on in and have some coffee, Elvis," I said. "And where on earth did you find those darling blue shoes?"

Just then Tina showed up at the door. Oh damn, I thought. Now I have to tell her about the dress. What else could go wrong today?

"Oh Carole," she said, her voice gushing, "it's darling of you to loan me your dress, even if your clothes are a little too loose in the rear end for me."

That Tina ... she really knew how to give a compliment.

"I just hope it shows off my ...," she began as she fluttered into the living room, at which time she noticed Elvis sitting quietly on the big poofy couch my husband called The Marshmallow. She stopped abruptly. Her mouth gaped open, and her eyes got big. She looked like a treeful of owls.

"Hey! Aren't you ...?" she stammered. Elvis looked boyishly sheepish and dug the toe of one his adorable shoes into the little handwoven rug I'd picked up last year in San Diego. That was the weekend we got lost and couldn't find our hotel and ended up in the back streets of Tijuana. We tried asking a policeman for directions back to the border, but Spanish was never my strong suit and the policeman instead led us to Senora Carmen's House of Gatitas. And if that wasn't enough, he wanted us to pay him a "fee" for taking us there. My husband shrugged and said something that sounded like, "Well shoot, as long as we're here ...", at which time I said if we weren't back at the hotel in 30 minutes, I was getting one of those quickie Mexican divorces.

"Yes Tina, it's Elvis," I said impatiently. "Now about the dress. Honey, I'm afraid it's out of the question for your party tonight."

"I just loved you in Blue Hawaii, Elvis" she said, smiling coyishly. "And you were absolutely right, what you said to that blonde girl in the pineapple field."

"Hon, you'll never believe what happened," I said. I hoped she did believe me. It was all mildewed by now and it's not like I could show it to her.

"Thank ya, Tina ... thank ya vurry much," Elvis said. Tina giggled.

Well, I suppose I could go on and tell you how Elvis ended up taking Tina to the party, although of course she had to find another dress on short notice. She talked about it for days, and how much better the back seat of a Cadillac was for having sex than her Toyota.

"And Carole, you wouldn't believe the collection of ladies' undies he has in the glove compartment," she said. "Now mine are in there along with Ann-Margret's", she added proudly. "He also said I gave the best blowjob he'd ever had. Isn't that wonderful?"

I replied that it certainly was, but when she told me how he insisted in keeping his blue shoes on during sex, I had to kinda wonder about it all, you know?

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