The Huge MemberbyJust Plain Bob©
I'd been a bit down in the dumps and Chuck, Dave and Ben decided that what I needed was to get out, have a few drinks and basically get over my funk and get on with my life.
They had a point and I knew it. It was time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself. The three of them picked me up and we drove into town. I was a little surprised when we pulled into the parking lot of the Landing Strip Lounge.
"Why here?" I asked.
"It is open mike night" Ben said, "And we think it is just what you need to drag yourself out of your shell."
I shrugged and we went inside, found a table and ordered drinks. Shari, the waitress, smiled when she saw me and asked:
"Where have you been Wally? We've missed you."
"Been busy Shari. Haven't had time for a night life."
Up on the band stand Bobby Denton was telling one of his blond jokes while his wife sat at a table in the back with some of her friends. She was a platinum blond and she hated blond jokes and I often wondered if Bobby got any pussy from her on open mike night.
He finished the joke and introduced a guy who wasn't all that good, but I still clapped for him for no other reason than it takes a lot of nerve to stand up there in front of lots of people and let it all hang out. After the guy finished Bobby told another blond joke and then said they were at that point in the evening when the mike was open for anyone who wanted to give it a try. Chuck, Dave and Ben were pushing me to get up and I figured what the hell, why not.
I stood up and Bobby saw me and said, "It looks like Wally Taylor is going to throw himself on your mercy" and as he handed me the mike he said, "Good to see you Wally. We've missed you."
I took the mike, looked out over the crowd, took a deep breath and then said:
"I was reading in the paper today about the increase in concealed carry permits being issued and I wondered about the love affair that men have with guns. Some even to the point that they preferred their thirty-eights to have steel jackets rather than bras. I thought about it for a bit and I came up with ten good reasons why some men prefer guns over women.
Number ten -- You can trade and old 44 for a new 22.
Number nine -- You can keep one gun at home and have another one to take with you on the road.
Number eight -- If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so he will probably let you try it out a few times.
Number seven -- Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for back up.
Number six -- Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
Number five -- A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
Number four -- Guns function normally every day of the month.
Number three -- A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
Number two -- A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after using it.
And the number one reason why some men prefer guns over women is
You can buy a silencer for a gun."
I had gotten several small laughs for the numbers as I listed them, but got a really big laugh for the last one so I decided to hang in there for a while.
"Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days and frankly God was tired of listening to their bickering. Finally fed up God said:
"THAT"S IT!!! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours and from the results of that test I will judge who does the better job. So Satan and Jesus sat down at their keyboards and started typing.
They e-mailed with attachments.
Suddenly I stopped and stared at the back of the room where the door to the parking lot had opened and a couple had walked in. The crowd was wondering why I had stopped and you could hear the low voices asking each other what was going on. I took a deep breath and pulled myself together.
"Ladies and gentlemen" I said, "I apologize, but I have to stop at this point and get the hell out of here. My wife and the asshole she has been cheating on me with just walked in from the parking lot."
Heads turned to look toward the back of the room and I said:
"Wave to the nice people Julie so they can get a good look at what a lying cheating whore looks like. As I said I do apologize for this, but if I don't get the hell out of here I'll end up in jail for putting the whore's lover in the hospital."
I hesitated for a second or two and then said, "Fuck it! It will be worth going to jail over" and I jumped down from the bandstand and started toward Julie. The guy with her turned and hurried out the door leaving Julie standing there looking like a deer caught in the headlights of an on-coming car.
Chuck, Dave and Ben grabbed me and wrestled me into the kitchen and then out into the parking lot,
"Settle down Wally. They ain't worth it" Ben said. They got me in the car and Chuck drove us over to the Red Fox Inn. When we were inside and seated Chuck ordered our drinks and Dave told the waitress to make mine a double. Chuck said:
"Sorry Wally. I really thought a night out would do you some good. It was just dumb assed luck that the cunt picked tonight to show up at the Strip."
"She wasn't the problem" I said, "If she would have shown up alone I could have just ignored her, but she didn't show up alone. She showed up with him. I wish you hadn't stopped me. I fully intend to get that bastard one of these days."
"Maybe bud, but not in front of a hundred witnesses. Take your time and plan it out. Make sure that you do it with no witnesses around and make sure that we know when so we can all have our stories straight when we swear that you were playing cards with us when it happens. We can help you out bud. The asswipe doesn't know any of us and we can follow him around and see what his routine is and find out when would be the best time for you to do your thing."
As I sipped my Jack over ice I reflected on my choices. I'd made some damned good ones in choosing my friends, but a pretty bad one when it came to picking a wife. I knew what I was getting when I got Julie; I was just too stupidly in love to let what I knew get in the way.
I met Julie in our freshman year at State. We were in the same Introduction to Planning class and Reynolds had broken the class up into five person teams and assigned each team a project. Julie and I were put on the same team and ended up spending a lot of time together at the library doing research for our project.
To say that I was smitten would be to make a gross understatement. One look into those green eyes and the sexy redhead owned me. I asked her out and she accepted. Julie kissed me at the end of that first date and that first date led to several more and the kisses escalated into steamy make out sessions and on our seventh date we spent the night in room 122 at the Fantasy Isle Motel.
The next three months went by and Julie and I couldn't keep our hands off of each other. We were making love three and four nights a week and then one day near the end of those three months we got into an argument over something so vitally important that I can't even remember what it was. The upshot was that Julie told me that she didn't want to see me any more and she stomped off.
"Well fuck you!!!" I said to myself. The only problem was that over the course of the next couple of months I saw her with different guys and it ground on me. I was hung up on her and it was driving me crazy that she wasn't with me. I tried calling her several times, but never got in touch with her. I left messages with her roommate, but she never returned my calls.
Three months after she walked away from me she sat down across from me as I was having my lunch in the student cafeteria.
"Hi yourself Julie."
There was dead silence for a couple of beats and then she said, "I've missed you Wally" and just like that we were back together and couldn't keep our hands off of each other.
Four months later there was another argument and Julie stomped off and just like the first time I saw her around with different guys and it pissed me off, but there wasn't a thing I could do about it. Two months went by and then she approached me and told me again that she had missed me. Once again we were back together.
It happened four more times before we finished our senior year. Each time the separation lasted two or three months and then Julie would do the "I've missed you Wally" thing. Sooner or later I had to wise up to what was going on and I did. I caught on to the fact that some guy would catch Julie's eye and she would manufacturer an argument, storm off and date the guy and maybe one or two others and then she would come back and tell me she missed me and expect that I would welcome her back with open arms. Which is pretty much what I did.
There was a slight change to the program however. I started dating other girls and while I was relatively successful in getting my ashes hauled none of the girls I hooked up with made me want to get into a long-term relationship with. I was too hung up on Julie and I think Julie knew that which is why she never came running back when she saw me with other girls. I wasn't all that happy about the situation, but I did take some comfort in the fact that she always came back to me.
We had four months to graduation when she pulled it on me again, but I knowing the score I had prepared for it. I had a cousin that Julie had never met and in exchange for my working on her car she agreed to be my pretend girlfriend. I made sure that every time Julie saw me I was with Mary. Mary and I made a big show of it and did some pretty heavy necking whenever we were where Julie could see it. We even went so far as to let Julie see my hand up under Mary's skirt while Mary pretended to hunch her pussy against my hand.
When Julie would go off the time period that she was gone ran anywhere from two to four months, but all of a sudden Julie was back doing her "I miss you Wally" after only two weeks. I'm guessing that she thought she was in danger of losing her good old fall back position and figured that she had better get back to 'home base' before it was too late.
For once things did not go according to plan for her. As usual I was sitting in the student cafeteria having lunch when she sat down and launched into the "IMYW" speech and I answered:
"I can't say the same Julie. In fact Mary has kept me so busy that I barely knew you were gone."
I looked at my watch and said, "Got to run or I'll be late for my next class. See you around Julie" and I got up and left her sitting there.
I knew what would happen next. Julie knew my schedule and she knew I'd be at the library studying that afternoon after classes. Sure enough she showed up and sat down at the table with me.
"What do you want Julie?"
"I'm here to eat some crow Wally."
"Eat some crow?"
"Yes Wally, eat some crow. The last argument that we had was just me being pigheaded. It was all my fault and I wanted to make up almost immediately, but my stupid pride got in the way. You know the old saying -- "Don't apologize, it is a sign of weakness" -- well that is what was bouncing around in my head."
"So why now?"
"Because I don't want to lose you to some other girl."
"You might be a little too late there Julie. Mary and I seem to have a very good thing going."
"Don't say that Wally. You're my guy. You were put here on this earth for me and I know it. We are meant to be Wally. We are soul mates and you know it."
"I don't see any reason to get back with you Julie. I'm a student of history and history always repeats itself. Three or four months from now you will be gone again and I'm tired of the roller coaster ride. Three or four months with you followed by two or three months without you and then the cycle repeats. I need a more stable relationship than that and I think Mary will give it to me."
I looked at my watch and said, "Time to pick Mary up for our date tonight. See you" and I got up and walked away from her for the second time that day.
The next day at lunch Julie plopped down across from me and I looked up at her and didn't say a word. She took a deep breath and then said:
"Do I have to beg Wally?"
"Beg? Beg for what?"
"For you to take me back."
"I know that this is going to came as a surprise to you Julie, but I am not dumb. I know full well that you fake arguments with me for the sole purpose of being able to go with other guys and that you only come back to me when you get tired of them. In four months I'll have my degree and I'll be starting on my career and I'm going to need to concentrate on it. I'm not going to have time for these silly games any more."
She looked away and said, "Okay, you are right, but it wasn't because I didn't love you. I'm young and single and I wanted to experience some things before settling down, but I couldn't very well do those things while I was still going with you. It wouldn't have been right. No more games Wally. I'm dead serious about making sure that some other girl doesn't latch onto you."
"I want to believe that Julie; I really want to, but I don't know if I want to take the chance of trusting you not to keep on doing what you have kept on doing."
"I swear to God Wally; no more games."
We did get back together and a year later we were still together and Julie started making noises about wanting to get married. I pretty much ignored those noises until one day Julie flat out asked:
"Are you going to marry me Wally?"
"The honest answer to that question Julie is that I don't know. Every time I consider it I think back to all those times you went off to play with some other guy and I have to ask myself if I want to take the chance of it happening again. If it happens when you are single it is one thing, but if it happens when you are married it is something else again. Happening while married leads to a divorce and they can be not only expensive, but quite bitter as well."
"Oh come on Wally; I've made it perfectly clear that you are my guy and I'm never going to do anything that will cost me you."
I let her break me down and talk me into it even though in the back of my mind there was still a small kernel of doubt. I did make sure that she understood that I had a zero tolerance policy as far as other men were concerned. Not even flirting!
We both found work in our chosen fields and started living the American dream. We saved up a down payment and bought a very nice three bedroom ranch style home in a good neighborhood. We each had our own car and we had all the other bells and whistles like a big screen TV, the latest and greatest in home computers, modern space age appliances and of course the top of the line in I-Phones.
Julie and I were still making love three and four times a week even after having been married for seven years. We had a very good social life. We had a close circle of friends that we had over for barbecues and who we went out and partied with. One of our favorite things to do was go to the Landing Strip lounge on open mike night.
One night we were there with Ben and Wilma Farmsby, Chuck Morris, his wife Bea and Dave Bennings and when Bobby Denton, the master of ceremonies, said it was time to turn the mike over to anyone who wanted to give it a try Ben dared me to get up and do it. The others all egged me on and I'd had just enough of a snootful to take the dare.
As I walked toward the bandstand I thought of some of the jokes I'd heard recently and decided to go with a kind of fish story. I took the mike introduced myself and then said:
"A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and takes it over to the counter.
"The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades and the woman said to him:
"Excuse me sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
"Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I'll tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but she drops the rod and reel on the counter and the clerk says:
"That's a six foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and ten pound test line. It's a good all around combination and it is on sale this week for only twenty dollars."
As she is digging into her purse for her credit card she says, "That is amazing that you can tell all that just from the sound it makes just falling on the counter."
The credit card slipped and fell from her fingers and hit the floor and the clerk said:
"That sounds like a MasterCard."
The woman bent down to pick it up and she accidently farted and it was a really ripe one. At first she was embarrassed, but then realizes that there was no way the blind clerk could tell that it was her who tooted. Being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. She handed him her card and as he rang up the sale he said:
"Your total comes to $34.50."
The woman was confused by this and she said, "Didn't you tell me that the rod and reel were on sale for twenty dollars? How did you get $34.50?"
"Yes ma'am, the rod and reel are only twenty dollars, but the duck call is eleven dollars and the Catfish bait is another three fifty."
The woman paid the bill and left without a word.
I got a lot of laughs on that one so I decided to try another.
"Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been to church in his life. After Mass the priest caught up with Murphy and said:
"Murphy I am so glad that you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?"
"I got to be honest with you Father. A while back I misplaced me hat and I really loved that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and that he comes to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take his hat off during Mass and I figured that he would leave his hat in the back of the church. So I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat.
The priest said, "Well Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat so what changed your mind?"
"After I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal the hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about "Thou Shalt Not Steal" you decided that you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?"
"No Father, after you talked about Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" I remembered where I left my hat."
That seemed to get a good laugh so I was emboldened to try some more.
"I've got some fight stories I'd like to share with you. My wife sat down on the couch next to me while I was sitting there flipping through the channels. "What's on TV" she asked. "Dust" I said and then the fight started.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said "I want something shiny that goes from zero to 150 in about three seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale and then the fight started.
And lastly, Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the truck and proceeded to back out of the garage into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing fifty miles an hour so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather was going to be bad all day. I went back into the house and quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back now with a different anticipation and whispered:
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of ten years replied, "I know. Can you believe that my stupid husband is out there fishing in that?"