The Literotica Olympics Day 17

Event: Rowing

The rowing competition was nearly cancelled. There was a serious dispute about eligible craft.

The Greeks started it. Didn’t they start everything first?

They insisted that as the Olympic Games were to be held in Greece that triremes should be used and ramming should be allowed.

The Trojans (modern Turkey) objected because the Greeks had too many triremes. After all hadn’t they sent a thousand of them just to reclaim a missing wife? They might have blamed Aphrodite but who didn’t?

The Trojan War was restaged with flour bombs between Greece and Turkey. The rowers from Cyprus threw flour at both sides and each other. The Irish joined in, fighting anyone. Begorrah! You couldn’t have a decent Donnybrook without the Irish, could you?

The Romans (modern Italy) insisted on quinqueremes. The Venetians (modern Italy) wanted galleys manned with slaves and armed with cannon. The Italian team started fighting themselves.

The British were not helpful. They insisted on steam power for their craft because they had invented the steam engine. The Greeks objected because Hero of Alexandria invented steam propulsion. The Egyptians counter claimed that everyone knew that Alexandria was in Egypt.

The USA claimed they were the first to put steam power on water. The British and US teams started fighting with water cannon. Then they both turned their cannon on the Russians who claimed that Lenin had invented the steam engine. The Chinese smiled inscrutably. They knew that the steam engine had been invented before these barbarian nations existed.

The Islamic Nations went into a huddle and announced unanimously that a fatwa had been issued stating that rowing and the human race had originated in their holy lands and therefore any competitor must be a true Muslim and if women had to compete, and they couldn’t agree whether women should be allowed or not, they must do so wearing a chador.

The realisation that the Islamic Nations had actually agreed on anything temporarily halted all fighting in a state of shock. The Israeli rowers blocked the phone lines with their reports to Mossad.

It didn’t last long. There weren’t many representatives of the Islamic Nations. Deserts don’t encourage excellence in rowing. The Islamic representatives were systematically ducked by the world’s women rowers until they had reached another unanimous agreement to withdraw the fatwa. Their mullah, who had become a mullah on an internet site, would have been debagged if he had been wearing trousers. Instead he was piled in a naked heap of one and sprayed with the water cannon. He withdrew muttering imprecations and calling on Al-wotsit to avenge his wrongs. For that he was arrested by the security forces and forcibly fed go-large Big Macs until he admitted that Al-wotsit was a front for Sad Dam Hussy and that he had concealed WMDs in the trousers he didn’t own. He was politely requested to tear up his ink-jet printed ‘mullah’ certificate and eat it. He was so full of Big Macs that he had some difficulty swallowing the certificate.

The Pan-African states had been having a tribal war of their own but no one paid them any attention. After their competitors had been reduced to one by genocide he appeared covered in medals and sank without trace after claiming that he could walk on water.

The Pan-American states were all stuffing themselves with the Big Macs the mullah couldn’t eat. They exercised by dancing Latin American style. The tango was well executed except by Nina from Argentina who just wouldn’t dance.

The Australians calmed everyone down with their ample supplies of ice-cold tins of beer. The erstwhile mullah was persuaded, after the threat of another ducking, to declare that faithful Muslims could drink Australian beer. It couldn’t be alcoholic because Mohammed didn’t mention it.

The Australian team coach said “Jeez! We’ll run out of beer. Our beer may be the best in the world but if all the world drinks it there won’t be enough.” He rang the Australian Embassy who instantly recognised the threat to Australian pride and sporting achievement. Six jumbo jets full of beer landed the next day.

That evening all the rowing competitors met at the Australians’ part of the camp. The lager flowed freely and the singing competition started.

Gentlemen’s Chorus: We row in the summer We love rugby in the fall We’re so tired it’s no wonder We’re any fucking good at all We’re arse forwards in the water Then we chase an odd-shaped ball

Ladies’ Chorus: We row in the summer We love hockey in the fall We’re so tired it’s no wonder We’re any fucking good at all We try to catch standing pricks Then we chase men with sticks

To the tune of ‘Messing about on the river’: I’m a fun-loving boy, and I always enjoy, Just pissing about on the river,

Watching the stunts of the cunts in the punts, Who’re pissing about on the river.

Cheering the eights as they finish the course, They loosen their rollocks, and lay on their oars,

The victorious eight is awarded a plate, For pissing about on the river.

The girls wait to welcome the crews at the locks, They all love a stroke, now they’re kissing the Cox.

I row to the bank and have a quick wank, While pissing about on the river.

The referees, during practice the day before the rowing competition was due to start, declared all the competitors ineligible to compete because of taking illegal stimulants, viz. the Australian beer. After each referee had been given the choice of two cases of Australian beer each or a ducking they withdrew their objections and the competition could proceed.

During the practice the Australians who were the only competitors to get their craft over the finishing line won the first five events. The other rowers were handicapped by double vision, a pounding head, a hangover and a mouth that felt as if it was filled with kangaroo dung.

After a crisis meeting of the referees, hangover cures were allowed to all competitors except the Australians who didn’t need them.

I regret to report that the Australian competitors were harassed. Rowing shells are delicate and expensive. The rowers balance them on their heads as they carry them to the water. The Australian men had their genitals fondled by women from other teams; the Australian women’s genitals were stroked by men. This had no effect until the men started fondling the Australian men; and the women fingered the Australian women. Even so the Australians managed to get their shells safely to the water.

The Russians tried spiking the Australians’ beer with vodka. That had no effect. The Russians examined their vodka. It had been made in a privatised factory in the suburbs of Moscow. Chemical analysis showed that the vodka was so adulterated with water that adding it to the beer reduced the alcoholic content. The Russians tried again with vodka made in the UK. Although there was a marked increase in alcoholic content it had no effect on the Australian competitors. The Russians drank the vodka spiked beer themselves to check that it was strong. It was. The Russian team was disqualified for being unable to walk to the water without falling in.

There was an innovation in the coxed fours. In the men’s event the coxes were female and positioned in the bow of the boat, legs spread and pussies on display. The rowers faced the cox and rowed as fast as they could to get towards their cox’s pussy. Even the last four had broken the previous Olympic record. The banks of the course were covered with rowers thrusting deep into their coxes who seemed to be shouting for more thrust.

In the women’s event the coxes were male. After the celebrations the coxes needed CPR and most of the women were seen using strap-ons on each other until their male colleagues offered their assistance. The men didn’t expect their offer to be accepted so readily, nor that the women would refuse to remove their strap-ons. The men needed emollient ointment on their asses before they could participate in further events.

A new departure was the mixed-paired sculls and fours. In the double sculls the woman faced the man and spread her legs around the man’s hips. As they rowed he thrust into her and she thrust back. The seat was designed to accommodate two asses and slid beautifully. The first practice sessions had been a disaster. Neither rower had been concentrating on the scull’s direction only on the techniques of thrust and counter thrust. Several of the sculls hit the bank with unfortunate consequences for the man’s erection. The fours were similar to the paired sculls but with two couples.

It is sad to report that only the sprint mixed events were successful at this Olympics. If the course could be traversed in less than two minutes then this innovation was practical. If the race lasted longer than two minutes the man (or men) had ejaculated and was useless. The 2,000 meter paired sculls took two hours to complete because the women rowers had to wait for the men rowers to recover each time. The 5,000-meter race, an introduction this year, was abandoned because all the male rowers were snoring.

The premier event in the Rowing schedule is the eights. In the first heat the Russians were eliminated because they couldn’t get out of the water. The US were eliminated because their asses were too wide to fit the seats in their specially widened jumbo shell and despite waving platinum cards they were unable to upgrade to Business Class. The Turks and Greeks didn’t finish because they were still waging the Trojan War urged on by some floozy on the bank who said she was Helen. In a rewrite of history, neither side won because they were portraying the event for a reality TV show and who lived and who died depended on the viewers’ votes. The viewers voted for the best asses, but bribery ensured that no competitor sponsored by a major advertiser was ‘killed’ which meant that no one was. Egypt and China qualified in this heat.

In the second heat the French and German crews stopped in mid-race to rewrite the rules and to insist that other European crews should do what they said. The other Europeans gave the French and Germans the finger, which upset their rowing stroke allowing the UK, and Australian crews to qualify. The UK shouldn’t have qualified except that they didn’t consider themselves as European and always ignored anything said by the French and Germans.

The third heat started well but the Islamic nations tried to surround Israel but sank themselves. The four Pan-American nations were suffering from the effects of the Australian beer and couldn’t keep a straight course, eventually sinking themselves and Israel. No crew qualified.

The final was staged between the four remaining crews. Australia were the clear favourites followed by the UK. Those taking bets considered that Egypt and China has no chance. Both started at 100-1. The bookmakers had it right. China sabotaged its chance by lighting joss sticks in defiance of their rulers. Their shell caught fire and sank. On return to China the crew was shot trying to escape and their families were invoiced with the cost of the single bullet each escapee had needed. The Egyptians wanted to sacrifice a cat to Bubastis but the only available cat objected violently putting the Egyptian crew in hospital. A vet pronounced that the ‘cat’ was a very annoyed lion. The UK and Australian crews were the only eights at the starting line.

A former England football coach and his tame astrologer had trained the UK team. They had been advised to let the other team get a lead and then catch up because the UK was always better when coming from behind. That might have worked except that the Australians didn’t like the idea of the bloody Pommies heading for their asses and shot off like a wombat with its balls on fire. The UK crew might have recovered some of the widening gap but 4 o’clock struck and they stopped rowing to have tea. The Australians won by 1,500 metres. The UK team won the silver medal. The Egyptians won the bronze because their cox had managed to paddle their empty eight a couple of yards from the start line.

The Israelis lodged a protest against the Egyptians, the Islamic nations, the Pan-American nations and anyone else they could think of. Their protest was referred to the UN who replied that they would consider the protest when Israel observed some of the outstanding UN resolutions, even one would be nice, please?

After the eights everyone adjourned to the Australian’s area to finish their lager. They were impeded by drunken kookaburras who would sink their beaks in anyone’s lager and laugh hysterically when disturbed. The competitors signed an accord saying there would be world peace if everyone drunk Australia lager and please did anyone know how to deter kookaburras?

The accord was vetoed by every UN nation that had a veto and most of those who didn’t. The Australian UN representative held a lager tasting event and the vetoes were withdrawn only to be re-imposed the next day when the hangovers struck.

The Rowing was declared to have ‘shown the best traditions of the Olympic Spirit’ – who writes that sort of rubbish? They must have been at the Australians’ lager. The evening ended with another ceremonial debagging of the unfortunate ex-mullah.