tagHumor & SatireThe Return of Gonad The Ballbarian

The Return of Gonad The Ballbarian


There's an old saying in the muscle-bound barbarian hero business. Actually there are a LOT of old saying in the muscle-bound barbarian hero business. This is mostly because the average muscle-bound barbarian can't read. And so an oral tradition is necessary. (Although if asked, most muscle-bound barbarians would think that an oral tradition is something that pleasure slaves are trained to do.)

Anyway, the saying pertinent to this part of our story is this: "Never, ever give a wizard an even break. 3 feet of steel through the gizzard will mess up any spell they are trying to cast on you at the time."

In Gonad The Ballbarian's case, this was a little too long for him to remember. So his teachers simplified things for him. "If you see a wizard, kill him her or it."

Gonad had wandered away from the city a week ago, and he was very bored. In a whole week, he hadn't seen any monsters, demons, wizards or even a thief. For that matter, he hadn't even seen any luscious tavern wenches or beautiful pleasure slaves either.

This could be explained in part by the simple fact that he had been wandering in circles about 20 leagues from the city the whole time. The other part of the explanation was that no wizard, demon, monster, or thief in their right minds would come within a mile of the big Ballbarian.

At long last something shiny in the distance attracted Gonad's attention and he wandered over to see what it was. Now some say that this was just dumb luck, but the Goddess of Chance and Fortune tends not to like folks who cast such aspersions on her intelligence. The fact is, Lady Luck has a huge crush on Gonad. As a result, he is the luckiest S.O.B. on the planet.

Be that as it may, the distraction served to break Gonad out of the circular path he had been following and started him off on his newest adventure.

As Gonad neared the shiny object, he could see that it consisted of a pair of deep brass bowls attached to a (to him) bewildering array of straps. It was about then that our hero heard the sound of a girl singing in a lovely voice. Gonad followed the singing until he came to a stream where a beautiful young lad was bathing,

Gonad stood stock still, (except for his pee thingy, which reacted to the sight of a beautiful nude woman by instantly springing to rock hard erection) and so the woman in the stream didn't notice the big Ballbarian standing on the bank of the stream for several moments.

When she did happen to look up, she saw a massively muscled Ballbarian standing there with his loincloth standing straight out in front of him like a banner. The woman in the stream happened to be a new graduate of the local witch's school, so she wasn't too afraid of Gonad. (Which just goes to show her lack of experience.) "Greetings," said the woman. "Would you mind giving me a hand up the bank?" She extended her hand. Gonad took her hand and pulled. Unfortunately he had neglected to take into account the size of the woman when he yanked her out of the water. As a result, the woman found herself flying through the air to land on her hands and knees in the soft grass a dozen feet away.

Slightly stunned by her abrupt exit from the stream, the young witch stayed on her hands and knees for a moment. To Gonad, it looked like she was offering herself to him. And it had been a week since he had gotten any… He moved forward with the speed and grace of a panther, ridding himself of his loincloth by the simple expident of ripping it from his body with one powerful hand.

The witch's eyes widened as she felt something nudging against the lips of her heretofore-virgin cunny. (Virginity being a prerequisite for her particular witches school) She opened her mouth to object, or maybe to cast a spell, but it was too late. The big Ballbarian's erection, as long and big around as her forearm, sank nearly ball deep in one smooth thrust. The witch's mouth remained open, but all that came out was a tiny "eeep" as her maidenhead was demolished.

Gonad of course was busy enjoying himself immensely. Tiring of looking at the back of the girls head, and with a niggling feeling in the back of his head telling him that there was something that he should be recognizing, he withdrew from the witch just long enough to flip her over onto her back. In an instant his pee thingy was back inside the witch's cunny.

Much to her surprise, the witch found herself enjoying the sensation of being so thoroughly screwed. Up until now, her entire education about sex had come from her teachers at the witch's school. The thought now crossed her mind that old crones who had been lifelong dedicated virgins might not have the best grasp of what sex was really like.

The big Ballbarian for his part wasn't doing a lot of thinking at all. He was too busy staring at the way her tits were jiggling as he fucked her harder and faster.

The young witch had only seen a few men in her short life, having just recently left the witches school to set out on her own career as a proper wicked enchantress. Mostly those males foolish enough to venture anywhere near the witch's school ended up sitting on lily pads dining upon insects. Now she was wondering just what else she had been missing out on while she mucjed about with all those smelly potions and difficult to pronounce incantations.

Almost an hour later, the witch watched Gonad striding off through the trees. She admired the way his buns flexed as he walked. She had a clear view of this because the big Ballbarian had forgotten his loincloth again.

Later as she dressed, she looked distastefully at the brass bra that had initially attracted the Ballbarian's attention. * The Hells with being a witch, * she thought. She paused again and her cunny tingled with remembered sensations. * Maybe there's an opening in the Doxy's Guild, * she mused. And she set off in a rather bowlegged walk for the City.

As for Gonad the Ballbarian, he had spotted a caravan of merchants in the distance, and he headed in that direction. It didn't occur to him just what kind of reaction the people of the caravan might have upon seeing a hugely muscled man wearing only sandald and a sword might be. He soon found out.

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