tagHumor & SatireThe Top 10 Reasons Not to Date Me

The Top 10 Reasons Not to Date Me


The following is a complete and unabridged list of the ten best reasons that no female should ever be afflicted by or otherwise have the misfortune of being my girlfriend. The reason this is being done is to simplify and streamline the rejection procedure. From now on all females can now simply quote the reason by number rather than actually explaining or otherwise quoting the reason.

1. I am too clingy, I often desire much more physical contact and affection than I deserve or am entitled to receive. Much worse is my constant need to hug, cuddle, kiss, give back rubs, foot rubs and other such annoying things that women find aggravating and "unmacho" (but I am working on it)

2. I have this annoying habit of being cheerful, happy and otherwise delighted when in the company of a woman I am involved with. It seems to take little to please me when I am near a woman that I find appealing. Alas I tend to demand much less than I should and even find myself doing things for her without being asked. Even worse is the fact that I don't ask or expect anything in return. I am truly a lost cause in this regard

3. I tend to focus on her personality and who see is as a person and somehow ignoring her body in the process. I have no idea how or when this happens but almost every time it does. I have a weakness in this regard to be sure. I don't know how it is that I can loose sight of the shape of her figure or the wiggle of her hips but I do. I know it isn't fair for me not to drool over her figure or compare her to every woman I meet (as I am expected to). However, I find I would much rather talk over a cup of coffee at 3am than parade her in front of my buddies. (Disgusting trait I know)

4. I find myself (at times) asking her "What do you think about that dear?" and actually wanting to hear the response. I know this is usually a formality and nobody actually cares what the answer to the question is. However I find myself in long, drawn out conversations and even wanting her input on various matters. I know that since I am a man I am expected to have the answer to everything but regrettably I like another point of view now an again.

5. I should encourage her to stay at home more. I have a lack of desire to see her stay at home and raise the kids. I know that I should be more supportive in this regard and insist that she stay at home until the kids are out of the house. I find myself thinking subversive thoughts like "If she wants to work go ahead, if she wants to stay at home, that's okay too". I know that I need to put the needs of the family ahead of my own anti-social thoughts.

6. I have this obsessive compulsion to trap a woman in a committed monogamous relationship. For some unknown reason I have this bizarre notion that one woman is all I need for the rest of my life. What's worse is that I actually look forward to this romantic drudgery of living with the same person for the rest of my life. This must be my most offending trait by far.

7. I tend to forget to give a woman the customary level of disdain and disrespect that all women need and expect from their man. My women seem to always wonder why I am being so nice and are suspicious of my pleasant nature. They keep wondering what I am up to, and when they can expect things to return to normal. (it is not fair to keep a woman on edge for so long, I know)

8. I don't watch enough television, yes it is true that I need to spend more quality time with my sofa but it tends to get neglected. I usually prefer to go for a walk, go for a bike ride or various other destructively healthy things. What's worse is I have this tendency to drag my girlfriend along with me on these excursions. So if you are with me be warned you might find yourself in some park type setting surrounded by a group of trees and other vegetation.

9. I have not yet memorized the list of expectations and roles of a man and a woman in a relationship. I tend to take the lackadaisical approach and prefer to believe that it is an equal partnership between two people. However I know that there are clearly defined roles of what is expected of a man and what is expected of a woman. I know that I need to study up and work on this, as my anarchistic approach will not do, after all centuries of order can't be wrong.

10. I tend to torture and annoy my girlfriends with whatever is bothering me. I have this unearthly belief and need to talk about what is bothering me. I for some unknown reason I have this need to talk through things rather than properly bottle them up. I know that as a man I am expected to keep the woman guessing as to what is on my mind, but I have a hard time doing that (but given time I will rectify this).

So there we have the top ten list of why no woman should date me. So in the future if you see me on the horizon, just refer to this list and quote the reason by number and you won't have to explain why you would not touch me with a ten foot pole in a Hazmat suit. I feel that I have done my service to humanity so I will crawl back under my rock now, good day

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