The World's 10 Greatest Inventions 01byCal Y. Pygia©
I was at the public library the other day, perusing books. Okay, really, I was perusing the titles of books. (Who has time, these days, to read actual books? Just joking. I do read them, sometimes, if their titles catch my eye.)
Anyway, I saw one that interested me: The World's 100 Greatest Inventions. Taking it from the shelves, which, I noticed, were a little--okay, a lot--dustier than the stacks in other sections of the library, science and technology volumes being of little or no interest to anyone other than nerds, except geeks, among whom I count myself, on both counts.
Quickly, I flipped to the index, read down the columns to "D," and looked for the greatest of the world's 100 greatest inventions--and, would you believe it? It wasn't there! It wasn't listed! If I'd bought the book, instead of merely having stolen it from the public library, I'd have demanded my money back.
The World's 100 Greatest Inventions without the greatest of them all? It was incredible. It was a rip off!
At home, I looked again, carefully trailing my finger down the page, thinking, surely, I must have missed it, for there was no way that the author of The World's 100 Greatest Inventions could have overlooked the greatest of the great, but to no avail.
"Dildo" was not listed anywhere among the world's 100 greatest inventions!
What kind of idiot could write The World's 100 Greatest Inventions and leave out not only the dildo, but also such marvels silicone breast implants, as ben-wa balls, anal beads, condoms, the pocket pussy, inflatable sex dolls, edible panties, cock rings, penis-shaped lipsticks, and thong bikinis? I knew, then and there, that I'd have to correct these terrible oversights, but I didn't want to have to take the time and to make the effort to write a whole book about these inventions, no way! So I decided I'd just write a series of articles concerning "The World's 10 Greatest Inventions," named above.
This is the first one, about "The Dildo."
The dildo was the first boy toy, minus the boy. Sappho, the lesbian love poet, is thought to have invented this "marital aid," because she wanted the benefits of a male without the encumbrance of a man.
A maiden's tongue was not always enough to satisfy her, scholars--male scholars, at least--believe, and, seeking a satisfying alternative, it's thought that she was inspired by witnessing a eunuch's castration. "If he doesn't need his thick dick," she wrote one of her many lovers, "we could use it to do a trick."
However, neither Sappho nor her girlfriends were much enamored of the appearance of the dismembered member. "It looks far too manly," Sappho complained, "to please the likes of me." Using the eunuch's penis as a model, the poet and her friends, experimenting with various materials, including stone, tar, wood, and leather, endeavored to improve upon Mother Nature.
It wasn't as easy a task as Sappho and her concubines imagined. Stone was both too hard (and too cold), tar tended to melt when the ladies heated up, and wood splintered under the force of amorous thrusts, giving a whole new meaning to penetration. Leather seemed just the thing, and it was adopted, remaining popular for generations, until the rise (and swell) of plastics and rubbers and silicone gels.
Since the ladies, being lesbian, had no intention of ever becoming pregnant, they decided that testicles were not only ugly, but also unnecessary impediments to a more streamlined, aerodynamic design, and the women promptly severed and discarded them.
The women also experimented with various dyes, with the result that they were able to accumulate quite a supply of "colorful dongs," as one anthropologist, Dr. Ima Liz Bean, termed the ladies' collection. Some women, in fact, used their assortments as flowers, of a sort, which they planted in pots and window boxes.
Dildos became so vital to women's health and welfare, not to mention happiness, that they were included in the tombs of the rich and powerful, although women of lesser rank had to content themselves with the bony phalanges of their desiccated or fleshless fingers.
Surprisingly enough, animal penises, which were in ready supply only a few generations after Noah's ark concluded its maiden voyage, were not typically used as dildos. Bulls' penises reach a length of two and a half feet, elephants a length of over six feet, and blue whales a length of eight feet. Perhaps, on reflection, this is the reason that women preferred dildos of the sizes of the males of their own species. Size may or may nor matter, but, at some point, a dildo of such vast dimensions as even the bull's pizzle would seem to become more a hazardous than a desirable commodity, even for the most accommodating woman.
Over the years, additional bells and whistles were added to the dildo, and the leather phallus gave way to silicone phalli and to plastic penises of the sort that the late Michael Jackson is rumored to have had attached, in several locations, both inside and outside his anatomy, during his many cosmetic surgical procedures. (And you thought he had all those operations just so he could have a nose like Pinocchio's!)
Today, there are dildos that glow in the dark, juggle, swim, fly, hover, sing, and dance. Some are miniaturized, for use an anal accessories, and a few models are equipped with shafts, fore and aft, so that milady may please herself vaginally and anally at the same time, without need of two men, or even one, or without even the need for so much as a single male part. For lesbian women, it doesn't get any better than this.
Egyptian queens found that, harnessed, a team of dildos could even pull the royal chariot. Available in every flavor imaginable, and a few unimaginable, the edible vanilla and chocolate varieties remain most popular among ladies of refined taste.
Yes, the modern dildo can do virtually everything imaginable but piss and ejaculate. Even in the age of science, it seems, we can't have it all.
It is one of nature's stranger quirks that the dildo was invented by a lesbian poet, but stranger things have happened, such as women's agreeing that men should design their clothing, hairstyles, and makeup. It is men, not women themselves, who must instruct women what it means to be a woman and how to go about the business of being such. It's only fair, perhaps, that women have decided that they can do very nicely without a man in their lives. All they need, and want, is a just a piece of him, modeled in their own image of essential masculinity, castrated and refashioned into a trinket, that, when not in use, may serve as another fashionable accessory to their wardrobes or another knickknack to lend its unique, if odd, glamour to their house's décor.
The artificial penis, it seems safe to say, has given a new sense of meaning to the psychological term "phallic woman."
(By the way, not only is the dildo a girl's best friend, but it makes a nice stocking stuffer, too, for the discerning Christmas shopper.)
Next: Silicone Breast Implants.