tagHumor & SatireThe World's 10 Greatest Inventions 04

The World's 10 Greatest Inventions 04

byCal Y. Pygia©

Until Sigmund Freud helped us out with his concepts of the anal stage, anal retention, and similar kinky ideas related to our assholes, the anus had been a largely ignored, even disparaged and maligned, muscle. Unlike the lips, or even the labia, it seldom received kisses, and anyone who thought of it as a surrogate vagina was considered gross, perverted, unnatural, and probably a gibbering idiot, if not downright insane, even if the anus in question was "female" and the act of intercourse being considered was hetero-, rather than homo-, sexual. Since Freudian times, though, the anus has come into its own, both as the terminus of the alimentary canal and as an erogenous zone in its own right.

Therefore, like all other such sexual centers, it's become the subject of get-rich schemers and their inventions, one of which it's my honor and privilege to consider in this, the fourth installment in "The World's 10 Greatest Inventions," the amazing anal beads! (In some chapters, I've had to shorten the title to "World's 10 Greatest Inventions" so as to include the chapter number because Literotica is really chintzy about allocating character space in its stories' "Title" field, as you'd know if you'd get off your ass and contribute something.)

They're called beads, mind you, not "balls" or even "bells" (and especially not "bullets"), because, presumably, people are more inclined to cram beads up their butts than they are to jam balls or bells up there (although many don't seem at all opposed to plugging their bottoms with--well, butt plugs, but that's a story for another article.) Usually, anal beads are plastic and small (but some can get pretty big, although seldom bigger than--or even as big as--a breadbox).

Like ben-wa balls, anal beads come strung on a string (what else would they be strung on?) to make their removal safe and easy. The whole object of their use lies in pushing them through the anus, into the rectum, one after the next, and then pulling them out again, one by one. Why? To stimulate the nerve endings within and around the anus while proving how anal retentive one can be seems to be the pretty much the whole idea. Plus, it's pretty sexy. Or gross. Or both. Depending upon one's point of view.

It's a good idea to count the beads after they're used (and before, too) to make sure that none of them, having become detached, has become a squatter or staked a claim to some territory where the sun doesn't shine. (It's best to envelope the beads, even if they are on a string, in a condom to prevent an embarrassing trip to the local emergency room should the string break inside the rectum, as even "safe sex" has its risks!) Never share your beads with a partner of either sex; make him or her buy his or her own.

Although they come in various textures, from wild to mild, some of them resembling burrs and others polished ball bearings, the smooth-surface type are best, as they are less likely to rip, tear, rend, and/or shred the delicate membranes of the bowel, should you be so foolish as to actually shove one or more beads up your ass, or allow some other idiot to do so.

It's better, actually, to watch videos of women using the beads. For one thing, it's a lot safer than using yourself as your own gerbil or guinea pig. Unless you're a hot X-rated video bimbo, watching a porn star shove beads up her ass is also going to be a whole lot sexier to watch, too, especially if she moans and groans each time a bead goes up or is pulled out again, which there's a good chance she might, if the director's any good and isn't too stoned to direct.

Some manufacturers make a one-size-fits-all model by stringing small beads, say of ¼-inch diameter, toward the tail end of the string and larger ones, maybe an inch in diameter, at the upper end, or head, where the pull-ring is attached (for easy retrieval--unless the damned string breaks, in which you can pretty much kiss your ass goodbye).

The beads are usually brightly colored, too, because if they weren't pretty (at least before they're actually shoved up your or someone else's poop chute), who'd want to own one. Besides, between uses, strings of pink, lavender, blue-green, amethyst, silver, or gold beads make nice fashion accessories, doubling as elegant bracelets.

Ladies who use anal beads should never insert them into their cunts after they've been up their asses, but the opposite route is not only safe but provides a fun, easy way to lubricate the beads (provided, of course that one's pussy is wet). There are all sorts of nasty bacteria inside the rectum, but there's not much inside a twat except maybe a little mucus, possible yeast, occasional blood, and, once a month, an egg. Men shouldn't have to worry about this, unless they're female-to-male transsexuals who haven't gone all the way yet, trading their female set of genitals for the opposite sex's sex, or male-to-female transsexuals who have gone all the way, trading their male set of genitals for the opposite sex's sex. (Shemales, bless them, complicate everything!)

Some women (and a few faggots) string homemade anal beads, and there's no reason that this couldn't be a pajama party pastime, as long as the jewelry designers remember to use stout string and smooth beads, securing a reliable hook, eyelet, grommet, or ring to one end of the string to facilitate the beads' removal--that, or equip each bead on the strand with its own, miniature global-positioning satellite disc.

Various websites offer guidance as to how to use anal beads, but if you have a brain, an ass, and a string of beads that will fit inside your butt, you don't need too much help; just keep the beads sterile and don't share them, and use common sense, and have the number of a dependable ambulance service and/or fire and rescue personnel handy, and maybe a doctor and a couple of nurses and an emergency room on standby, and you should be just fine.

However, if you are in doubt, feel free to make out your will ahead of time and, if you have an estate worth more than $100,00, or even $50,000, make me your executor. Times are hard, after all, and, while I don't wish either you or your gerbil partner bad luck, if you should happen to encounter said luck, anyway, as a result of a runaway bead, or worse, why shouldn't I get a little out of your misfortune? After all, you'll die happy and, if and when the time comes, what happens to your money will be the least of your concerns.

Besides, anal beads are safe.

Trust me.

Next: Condoms

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byCal Y. Pygia© 0 comments/ 22409 views/ 1 favorites
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