tagHumor & SatireThe World's 10 Greatest Inventions 08

The World's 10 Greatest Inventions 08

byCal Y. Pygia©

Okay, guys (and gals), forget the peanuts, the pretzels, the candy bars, and the ice cream. Don't worry about jellybeans, licorice sticks, or potato chips. (You may want to put in a supply of breath mints, though.) Something better is available, something much better: the incredible, edible ladies' underwear!

Available in vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, peach, and raspberry, edible panties are delicious, before, during, or after sex or, for that matter, as a sex substitute. They also make a good gag gift, because they often make the receiver retch, although some men and a lot of lesbian women enjoy this fruity snack item.

Made of flavored gelatin, which is made, in turn, from the collagen derived from animals' skin and bones, edible panties are as excellent a source of protein as semen--better, in fact, because there's more of it (and it's flavored). A bonus is that such underwear also exhibits viscoelastic flow and streaming birefringence! (Who could ask for anything more, right?) Edible panties melt in your mouth, not in your hand, and they're finger-licking good.

Worldwide, gelatin production equals approximately 300,000 tons per year, most of which is used to make edible panties. Edible panties are not PETA friendly. Mostly, gelatin is produced from pork and beef byproducts--bones and hides, but not, as many people mistakenly believe, hooves and horns (these are saved to manufacture aphrodisiacs). When you're snacking upon milady's juicy panties, you're really chowing down on pigskin and beef jerky of a sort, but who cares? You'd be eating the same stuff if you were snacking on yogurt, gummy candies, marshmallow treats, or gelatin desserts. (Orthodox Jews should ensure that the edible panties they purchase for wear or consumption are made of beef, seaweed, carageenan, pectin, or koneke, so as not to offend Yahweh. However, they should be aware that gelatin produced from degraded carageenan, known as poligeenan, is a suspected carcinogen and has been known to cause gastric and intestinal ulcers in rodents and monkeys.)

No, edible panties are not sexist novelties, because there are also edible undies for men (actually, they're worn by men, it's actually women, presumably, who consume them--and gay guys.) For queers, Gay Apparel makes edible jockstraps. Talk about a gag gift!

For women, a word of caution is in order. Yeast love sugar. If you're a female, instead of a shemale or a male, avoid wearing edible panties that contain sugar, because vaginal yeast infections are not fun. Likewise, when the panties are eaten, make sure the part that has been in contact with milady's asshole is discarded, because eating shit, even in small amounts, is never a good idea.

Skinflints can make edible panties at home by boiling cartilaginous cuts of meat so that the gelatin dissolves in the water, producing a really, really gross-looking "broth" that forms into an even grosser jelly as it cools. The process is simple, but sickening:

Remove impurities (hair, fats, salts) from the animal hide and bones. Boil the hide and bones. Filter, clarify, evaporate, sterilize, dry, rut, grind, sift, and blend the loathsome mass until it looks edible, adding your choice of flavoring.

Some people find the thought of eating anything made from animal skin and bones unpalatable. (Most of them work for PETA.) However, if hamburgers and pork chops are considered proper foodstuff, and a guy or a gal isn't opposed to sucking cock or eating pussy, surely a pair of edible panties, or, for that matter, even an edible jockstrap, shouldn't cause undue revulsion. Besides, eating a little gelatin is pretty much inescapable. It's in gelatin desserts, trifles, aspic, marshmallows, jams, yogurts, cream cheese, margarine, apple juice, vinegar, beer, wine, pharmaceutical capsules, and even cosmetics, including hair gels.

Edible panties come in a variety of styles, but G-strings, crotchless panties, and thongs are especially popular, perhaps because they are lowest in calories. Other, slightly less popular styles include bikinis, high-leg briefs, hipsters, V-strings, Brazilian-cuts, and hiphuggers. Many of these undies are designed to resemble lace, fishnet, and other sexy fabrics, and some come with ribbon candy ribbons or bon bon bows.

Some edible panties are available with matching edible bras, for a real sugar rush, if the consumer doesn't mind the extra calories. Nothing says that one has to eat the entire pair of panties or both the bra and the panties in one sitting, so to speak, and some men and women opt to eat only the crotch of the panties, for example, and dietetic panties are available, although, as they are sugar free, some find them less satisfying than the real meal.

Be careful when speaking in public about your gal's unmentionable munchies. Not everyone may be as enamored of the topic as you and your insignificant other are, and, under no circumstances should edible panties ever be used as a metaphor in an address to coworkers. What's sexy in the bedroom could be a matter of sexual harassment in the workplace, where everyone is looking for a way to get out of the rat race by settling for an "undisclosed amount," paid as a penalty for tit-for-that, or quid pro, quo harassment, and prostitutes have claimed that wearing edible panties or jockstraps creates a "hostile work environment." If you wouldn't talk to your mother about a topic--or even if you would--it's better not to bring it up at work, in a place of worship, or anywhere that children are present. (Bringing up the topic of edible panties in any Arab country is apt to result in summary decapitation; edible burqas are considered a safe topic, however, among female Kuwaitis, although I wouldn't press my luck, even among them.)

The biggest occasions for the sale of edible panties are bachelorette parties, but fit-to-eat undies are also consumed at contests, and a pair or two make good Christmas stocking stuffers (except for Christian fundamentalists, perhaps) and gift basket fillers. If you look in your girlfriend's, mistress', or wife's closet, at the hundreds of outfits and thousands of pairs of shoes, and you realize that her dresser is overflowing with panties and bras and garter belts and corsets and all manner of other foundation garments and you're at a total loss as to what else on earth she could possibly ever need in the way of costume or clothing, remember that edible panties aren't about "need." They're about nutrition and taste and fun (or, for some, revulsion and retching). It's been said that every woman has a survival kit between her legs. Think of edible panties as the packaging for this kit.

Bon appétite!

Note: No livestock were injured or killed in the writing of this article.


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byCal Y. Pygia© 0 comments/ 12175 views/ 2 favorites
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