Though He Slay Me, Yet Will I Trustbysdbnnc©
I am new to submissive life - I had no sexual experiences at all until I got to college, and only limited "vanilla" sexual experiences for 30 years after that. Then, in January 2008, I found the Dominant I am proud and happy to serve, as well as the contentment and peace that comes from having an outlet for my submissive self. However, whilst living as a submissive answers so very many questions for me, I find it raises new questions as well. One question that has plagued me for months now is how blasphemous it is that I find myself thinking so reverentially about the Dominant I am privileged to serve. I often find myself thinking things that are intended to reference God but in reference to the Dominant instead.
The title of this story is a case in point - taken from Job 13:15, it is Job's pledge of his ultimate trust in God; despite the terrible tragedies he had already suffered. I don't feel I have suffered the trials of Job, and I don't believe the Dominant I serve is God, but I do find that my trust in the Dominant's care of me, his choices for my life and his preferences for my service is absolute. The trust that I have in the Dominant extends to submitting my body for strokes from the Dominant's belt or other implement of discipline and training, my mind for the Dominant's examination and understanding, and my energy and activity for the service the Dominant prefers.
Although my service is of short duration so far, there has never been an instance when the Dominant has not treated me fairly and wisely. There has never been a time when I have relinquished control of anything to the Dominant and been disappointed or harmed in any way. While I would never give up my belief in a Supreme Being or my spiritual life that grows out of that belief, I cannot help but accept the Dominant to whom I submit my life as the god of that submission.
There is precedence for this line of thought. The Dominant is in control; the Dominant's preferences and choices are absolute and all that matter. The Dominant directs the manner in which I will submit and how I will express my service to the Dominant. In my life as a submissive, the Dominant is the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end, the means by which I can become a better submissive and the recipient of my improving service.
Early in my submission, I began reciting a mantra, almost in jest, that the Dominant "knows everything." What my experience in submission has taught me is that there is no joke about this - whether because of the Dominant's greater experience, deeper thinking, or simple omniscience, the Dominant I serve does know everything about me and about my submissive service. The Dominant anticipates my failures - even engineers some of them as teaching tools - and my reactions to them. The Dominant has used his in-depth knowledge of my personality, my intellect and my submissive self to craft a submission that has taken a woman of advanced years but no experience in service and helped her achieve a level of submission that she would have been unable even to imagine less than a year ago.
Although I know that the Dominant I serve is not God, I know, and accept, and celebrate the fact that he is the god of my submission. Everything I do as a submissive is in service to the Dominant. Everything the Dominant prefers is a guideline for my behavior, for he is the recipient and reason for my service. Without the Dominant, my submission has no focus, no guidance, and no means of expression. The Dominant gave life to my submissive self by allowing it the opportunity for expression and growth. The Dominant's guidelines and preferences are the parameters within which my service is performed. The Dominant's control is such that he knows what I am thinking, what I am hoping, and what I am concerned about at all times. He often is better able to express my hopes and fears than I am myself because he sees my situations more clearly and objectively than I can.
Therefore, I have made my peace with my fears that my feelings about the Dominant I am privileged to serve are blasphemous. I know that the Dominant is not The Supreme Being, just as I know that the Dominant is supreme and the being accepting my dedication of my service to the Dominant. I know that the Dominant who allows me to serve also challenges me to improve my service and my life. I know that the Dominant has helped me focus my energy and attention so that issues and problems that had dogged me for decades before I met the Dominant are being resolved and fading away from my life. I know that the Dominant has never failed to listen and comfort and help, unless the Dominant determined that what the situation really called for was for the Dominant to have me stop babbling to avoid working, to challenge and inspire me to succeed so I didn't need comfort, and to encourage me to stand on my own as I struggle to achieve the goals I have set for myself in addition to the goals the Dominant believes I can reach.
Because the Dominant is such an important, integral part of my life, I never go for very long without thinking of the Dominant, wondering how he would prefer I go about some chore or what action would best serve and please the Dominant, even if his only information about it will come from me, since he is far away most of the time. Yet, it is a fact that, although I am only rarely permitted the pleasure and privilege of entering into the Dominant's physical presence, I never feel far away from the Dominant. The preferences of the Dominant, the ideas of the Dominant, and the wishes of the Dominant are the framework for my entire life. I behave as I do at work in part because of the gifts of my submissive life and in part because of the manner of dress the Dominant prefers.
Years ago, a chorus teacher would not allow female students into her class in slacks - she believed that wearing skirts or dresses caused women to sit up straighter and maintain the better posture that was conducive to better vocal performance. I find that the skirts or dresses, four-inch heels and black pantyhose the Dominant prefers I wear in public impact my work performance. I sit straighter at my desk, and that makes it easier for me to breathe deeply and evenly, which helps keep my thoughts clear and focused. I walk and stand with an erect posture that is dictated in part by my clothing and in larger part by the pride and happiness I have in serving the Dominant. The weight loss I have enjoyed since I began my service to the Dominant has helped me stand taller, walk prouder, and project a happiness that eluded me whilst I drugged myself with food. All of these things generate from the Dominant; they all are integral parts of my life as a submissive, and as a woman in general. Until I was in the Dominant's service, dressing as he prefers and presenting the happy and content face the Dominant generates to the world, I never received a compliment from a man - like many other fat females, I wandered through crowds without being reacted to as a woman, sometimes without even being seen as a person. All of that has changed through my service, and the decades of wandering in my own personal desert of low self-esteem and poor personal appearance, which included long periods off being severely overweight, support my belief that the Dominant is the author of this change in who I appear to be, for the Dominant is the genesis of the change in who I am. The Dominant is the means by which I have acknowledged my needs as a submissive, and the means by which those needs are met.
It is not possible for me to imagine being a submissive without thinking of my service to the Dominant I am honored to serve. I have never served any other Dominant, and I have never doubted my good fortune in finding the Dominant I serve. I try never to take for granted the generosity and patience of the Dominant to whom I submit, for the demands I make upon both those attributes often are heavy indeed. The Dominant has helped me learn the joys and sorrows of submission; the Dominant supports my struggles to improve my service and to come to terms with the omnipresence of failure in the life of a submissive.
The love I feel for the Dominant also has in it the aura of the love of a lesser being for a superior one - in part because the Dominant has honestly and forthrightly explained to me from the earliest days of my service that the Dominant does not and never will love me. And, to me, that is how it should be, for the few men in my past also began relationships with me by telling me that, whilst they were pleased and happy to accept my love for them and the benefits that love provided to them, they would never love me in return. The fact that those same men ultimately proclaimed their sincerest love for me, even whilst they were using, abusing, and neglecting me, has made it difficult for me to value or even to believe in being loved by men. The fact that the Dominant does not love me, and will never love me, is immaterial to the existence, development, and continuance of my love, admiration, and reverence toward the Dominant.
The love I feel for God is similarly not based on an expectation of returned affection or love - yes, I know the religious belief that God's love for His children is expressed in many, non-direct ways, but love as a mutual, equal expression of emotions on various levels has never existed in my life, personal, physical, or submissive. The fact that I do not mind or miss that sort of love perhaps enhances my ability to serve and submit to the Dominant without expectation or anticipation of reciprocity. If so, it is good to think that my past heartbreak and emotional pain have brought a benefit in compensation.
In addition, although the Dominant does not love me, the Dominant cares for me. The Dominant supports me emotionally and guides me to achieve my personal, professional, and submissive best. The Dominant has provided me with the opportunity to express my submissive personality, and that has given me a life I could not have imagined, that has provided me the expression my submission needed, and that has created a pride, happiness and contentment that the wildest fantasies of my past life never approached.
The Dominant is the recipient and guide of my service. The Dominant provides me with the opportunity to be who I am at my innermost core. The Dominant knows me better than I know myself, and in ways that no one but the Dominant even suspects. Therefore, in the simplest terms, the Dominant is the reason for my life and the source of my life, for life before submission was no life at all for me.
There are no words that do not have at least an undercurrent of reverence that express my feelings about the Dominant to whom I owe everything. The Dominant I serve gave life to my submission, gave expression to my need for pain, and gave meaning to the demands of service. That the Dominant is the god of my submission is obvious to me. That the Dominant and I were brought together by God, that my service to the Dominant was meant to be, is equally obvious. That I am grateful for both these things is, I hope, also readily apparent, for part of my service to the Dominant includes my praise for his gifts and my adoration of his dominance.