TV Temp: Alison Brie

April 2011

Sometimes when I have money, freelance writing and book troubles, I lament that I still haven't gotten my one big break. Given that I have been intimate with several of the most beautiful and talented women on television, it gets even more frustrating sometimes.

But although I would gain instant fame if I shared those exploits, I would never want to put them in anything scandalous. And I certainly would never tell them about my past either, lest they get the wrong idea about what kind of person I am.

Tina already knew about me because Jenna told her, and I gave her a hint about my time with Anne too. Other than that, I didn't want any other actress to know of my "resume"; at least not from me.

So of course, it happened in front of one actress who I really didn't want to get the wrong idea about me. But since things had been going so well for me beforehand, it was probably predictable.

After going just three months in between stints on "Modern Family" and "SNL" it took just over four to get my next assignment in early April. By now, getting temp jobs on my favorite shows and working for my favorite people should have jaded me. Yet I still almost forgot to squeal for joy over this assignment until after I hung up the phone.

For the second time, I was recruited to fill in as the personal assistant for an actress. What's more, it was one from my latest Thursday night, low rated NBC comedy favorite, "Community." Even better, the star I would be personally helping was the hilarious and drop dead gorgeous Alison Brie.

Alison was already a recurring guest on "Mad Men" so this was the second time I was coming to one of her sets. But since my time on "Mad Men" in summer 2009, Alison had become a regular and a comedic scene stealer on one of the most inventive, parody-ridden shows on television. This gave myself and many others more room to crush on her multiple talents, "Disney face" and flawless, well endowed figure than we had on "Mad Men."

But unlike many others, I would be working with her as "Community" filmed the end of its second season; and I guessed that my stint on her other show helped me land this gig. So working on "Mad Men" did yield benefits other than having sex with Christina Hendricks after all.

The good luck kept coming when I made to the set, as I found out they were filming a two part sequel to the beloved "Modern Warfare" paintball/action parody episode. What's more, Alison's character Annie would be revealed as a paintball superstar, in a Western homage complete with a revealing Annie Oakley-esq outfit. Considering that and how this paintball war was even more elaborate than last year, it was no wonder that extra help was needed.

Alison herself probably didn't need that much help, but she was happy to let me give it a try. I aided her with any help and moves she needed on set for the episode, and did what I could for her off the set as well. It was every bit as fun as I expected, and so was Alison as well.

She was every bit the charming, bright, sweet and yet somewhat naughty woman she was on "Community" the Internet and in interviews. Even if this didn't end with me getting intimate with her; in spite of how I did really want this one if possible; it was still fun enough hanging out with her and being on the set of my new favorite comedy.

And like I said, when everything was going that well, it was bound to threaten to come crashing down later.

With four days left on my stint, me and Alison were among the last to leave the set on this night. She had changed out of her paintball cowgirl costume into a more Annie-like blue sweater and flowing black skirt, which was barely less alluring. I tried to at least periodically look away so I wouldn't get noticed admiring her, but she brought my attention right back to her.

"Okay, I have to say this before I forget again. I can't believe I keep forgetting to bring it up in the first place, but not this time!" Alison swore, then she looked around to see no one was around before speaking discreetly. "We both know you were working on 'Mad Men' two years ago, right?"

"I kind of remember, yes," I admitted.

"I was at their Emmy nomination after party in 2009. I wish I remembered seeing you there." I kind of wished I had seen her there too, if I wasn't.....otherwise distracted. "But I do remember something from that day....or remembering hearing something from Christina's dressing room."

And there went the potential crash of the century.

"I probably shouldn't spill this, but I've kept quiet for two years, so I've been a good girl! And I trust you to keep a secret too! Besides, I thought since you were on the set, maybe you overheard it too and I didn't see you."

I stammered a bit, which was probably a better thing to do after she told me what she heard. "I, I don't hear anything- I mean, didn't! What makes you think there was something to hear?"

Alison looked a bit puzzled; or else that's what I could make out through my blurry vision. But she went on anyway. "A few things, actually. The sounds of her and some guy making sex moans was kind of something. They're just lucky I was the only one who got lost and wound up hearing them! But I am relieved that the guy didn't brag about it to the tabloids! I mean, I know sex with Christina is something guys would love to brag about, right?"

"Who says? I mean, maybe this guy wasn't evil enough to do that to her! There are guys like that, they're in the minority, but they are there!" I had panic attacks around actresses before, yet this was building up as the worst one. It shouldn't have been, but I was too worried about Alison figuring out who the guy was, thinking differently of me and getting me to blab about the others for good measure.

"I guess....and it sounded like he really got her going too. He could have puffed himself up about that and got away with it," Alison reasoned.

"Well, it was enough that I knew and she liked it, and that was enough for me."

I meant to say "Maybe it was enough that he knew and she liked it, and that was enough." But with my guard briefly down by how Alison praised my performance without knowing it, I misspoke a couple of key words.

Once I realized that a half second later, I went back into panic mode. Maybe if I hadn't, Alison might have laughed it off as me joking and I could have treated it as such. However, I didn't give her time to think it was a joke at first, as I went into furious and non-jokey denial mode. "I meant enough that he knew! Not for me, I mean! We established I wasn't there, so we can stick to that right now!"

After actually hearing myself say those words, I admitted defeat and was both relieved and horrified that Alison was the only one still in the studio who heard me. "Oh God, oh God, oh God...." I moaned to myself, which made Alison gasp.

"Those oh Gods, they sound like.....oh God, it really was you! I, I just wanted to find out if you heard it too! Or tease you for missing all that while you were there! I, I didn't think....wow...." Alison trailed off.

"Oh, I knew this day would come....I knew I pushed my luck once too often..." I thought that sounded less damaging than my other words, but I screwed up on assuming that too. "Once too often? What does that mean....did you fuck anyone else on that set? Or those other ones on your resume?"

At this point, since I was doing such a poor job of denial, I figured I'd admit some small truths to hide the bigger ones. "A couple..." I said quietly, so as not to admit I fucked actresses on every set I'd ever been on. And it would keep me from mentioning them by name for now.

"I see.....well, if you got to fuck someone like Christina, you must have aimed for the biggest women on those other shows. That would leave.....Tina Fey for '30 Rock,' Jenna Fischer for 'The Office,' Kaley Cuoco for 'The Big Bang Theory,' probably Sofia Vergara for 'Modern Family,' and any one of the 'Glee' or 'SNL' girls! But then you did help when Anne Hathaway was on 'SNL'.....oh no, really?!"

Annie was super smart on "Community" and for the first time I cursed that Alison gave her those kinds of smarts. I still hadn't said I had been with any of those women, yet my silence probably did more to confirm it. So I led her to a more secluded place backstage where there was less of a chance for anyone to hear us; although everyone else was probably gone. But I still had to speak before she got the wrong idea about me leading her backstage too.

"If I did....do some of that, you can't say anything about it. You were right about him keeping quiet, and he wants it to stay that way."

"So....you had sex with some of those women and you really kept quiet?" Alison inquired.

"I didn't think I owed them a scandal for what they did with me. But I didn't force them to do it or make them, it just happens! It makes no sense that it happens to me, but it just does! I never go out looking for it or sexually harass them! No matter how tempted I am by them, I don't do a thing until they make a move, I promise!"

"Wow.....if you were with half the women I mentioned, it must have been hard," Alison theorized before she gasped and giggled a bit at her choice of words. Giggling was certainly a good sign or so I thought; I wasn't sure what the guidelines were for this one. "And with Christina alone....but I guess that made you pretty thorough to make her groan like that."

"Of course I was thorough, what sane man alive wouldn't be?" I pointed out before I bit my tongue; almost literally. "But I've said way too much and let you guess the rest already..."

"Huh, you really don't want to share. You really are committed to not kissing and telling....and it sounds like you have a lot of kisses to tell about," Alison concluded.

"Well, I just....I want to get famous for skills outside of the bedroom, and I'd never get to do that if this stuff came out. Plus there's that stuff about respecting their privacy and keeping their sex secrets secret too. I don't want fans to think differently of them or people to think differently of me....especially you," I added at the end before I could stop myself.

"Especially me?" Alison repeated. So yet again, I admitted to some small truths without admitting the bigger ones. "I mean, I don't want you to think you hired a pervert, or that you couldn't trust me to actually work. Or not put my hands all over you." This time I actually stopped myself before going in greater and more embarrassing detail on that last point.

"I do still trust you to work....and you're going pretty crazy to prove you're not a pervert," Alison admitted. "You're still the same great guy who's come in handy for me this past week, that hasn't changed. The difference is I know you fought off a boner in the meantime."

"No, no, God!" I groaned as one of my fears was coming true. "I'm just attracted to you, I said I'm not a pervert!" The sad thing was that this slipup didn't even make my top five screw ups in the last 10 minutes.

"I can tell the difference between those two things, you know. And no pervert could act this convincing to prove he wasn't one. Plus, no pervert could get that many actresses naked anyway."

"But a sleazy, smooth talking cad would, and I don't wanna look like that either," I reminded her.

"I think smooth talking went out the window and fell into the sewer by now," Alison pointed out. "What, do you use up all your smoothness in the bedroom?"

"Actually....there haven't been many bedrooms," I said in my first intentional joke of the conversation. But usually when I felt well enough to start joking around, it flipped the switch on to my smoother self; and anything was better than what I had shown so far. And yet for all I showed, Alison wasn't going away.

"I already know that's true in one case. To think there's more than one where you got all those actresses to do....all that to you on a set. And you satisfied one that millions would give half their genitals to fuck....and probably be much less good at it. It can....give someone a lot to think about."

Alison wasn't inching that much closer towards me. But she was looking at me intently with those eyes that ranged from adorable Disney princess to seductive vixen; much like the rest of her. With all this talk about my past and with how much I was attracted to her, the nervous tongue tied crazy side of me was giving over to the sex expert side again. Yet with all this buildup and this particular conversation, he was gaining more strength than ever.

I decided to be tentative one more time by slowly reaching out for her hand to test her. When she took it with a sweet, sultry smile that matched her eyes, I basically....snapped as I bent down a bit to kiss her.

Alison appeared to be just as worked up as me over this, as she kissed me as ferociously as I did her. I had been in my share of heated make out sessions before the deed, yet this was becoming Earth-scorching. Instead of starting slowly, we were using our tongues and running our hands over our bodies right off the bat. Hers were on the back of my head so she could press her face closer against mine, and my hands went down to her hips and then up to the sides of her chest.

The only reason I broke was to make certain no one could see us, yet I led us a bit further away to a more secluded area. There, we went back at it and started to paw at our clothes again. I went under her sweater while her hands were already working on my belt. She got it off and let me work on my own zipper as she busied herself removing her sweater.

By the time we were done, I was in a shirt and underwear while Alison was in her bra and skirt. The combination of exposed flesh and our remaining clothing made us both flushed. I know I was flushed to see her exposed cleavage again after being teased by it in her costume for days; only this time there was even more exposed, taut flesh to go with it.

And with that, I forgot the need for foreplay for the first time. What I needed right now was a quick, simple release.

Alison got the idea as she put herself up against the nearest wall and I hiked her up a bit while pressing myself against her, getting her skirt up in the process. I finally let my cock out of my underwear and made sure it would be in another tighter space a moment later. I was too worked up to even remove her panties, as I just shifted them to make room for my dick to go inside her.

Once I entered, I made sure to start thrusting right away, as it didn't take me long to go in all the way. I had forgotten my usual methods of containing myself and making this last longer, as being inside Alison after these last several days and this last half-hour was all I was thinking about. That and seeing her ample breasts bounce inside her red bra; along with her generous backside slamming onto my groin.

Speaking of her ass, I lifted her skirt up further to get a grasp on it, jiggling it with each thrust. I was making quite a few hard ones since I was still on autopilot, trying to bring us both overboard. Alison groaning and chanting "fuck, fuck, fuck," as low as she could managed to help too.

Finally Alison sank herself all the way down my dick and just gyrated her hips. I tried to gyrate mine while staying all the way in her, and with a few more hard, short thrusts, we found our release. Mine came first as it poured into her, while hers poured out of her and onto my cock shortly thereafter.

I didn't know about her, but it certainly blinded me until I felt the last of her cum hit my shaft. Once again, I was worn out after exploding inside an actress or anywhere near her. That was a constant through my experiences, although everything else about this one wasn't a constant.

And with that, I started to actually think again. And I didn't like what was coming into my brain.

It all hit me by the time I pulled out of Alison. Normally after finishing something like this, there had been some post coital awkwardness, yet it was shaken off before long. However, the awkwardness on my part after this was harder to ignore, as well as a new feeling called guilt.

"Oh God, I blew it..." I concluded, and then thought fast with my newly returned thinking to say "Please don't say 'I'll say' to that....I'm being serious."

"What? I'm pretty sure we meant to cum early," Alison explained.

"No, it isn't that.....I just went in there and jammed myself into you. I've never done it like that before. That isn't how I wanted to do it with you."

"Well...it was still pretty hot anyway," Alison reassured.

"Of course it was, there's no debating that! Still, I'm more ambitious than that, and I have been with the other actresses! I've done some dirty things, but I never just fucked and called it a day! I didn't want to do it like that with you... you're too beautiful and cool to not be completely thorough with."

That was cheesy, albeit true; yet that wasn't the reason I groaned at myself. "See, that sounds more like a come-on and a line because you know about me. That's part of why I didn't want anyone to know. No matter what I say about your beauty, there's a part of you that's got to think I'm just putting you on to get in your pants, and I'm not! And there's a part of me that thinks you just did this because you found out about my history, and I'd like to think that's way off!"

"You probably don't think that and maybe I shouldn't....but doing all this is still so weird and unlikely to me that I want to do it just right. I'm not a 'wham, bam' person and that's served me well, and I want to keep doing what works. Otherwise I assumed the whole house of cards will come down, I'll wake up from being this lucky and I'll look sleazier than I want to be."

"Still, you didn't do it wrong just now," Alison repeated.

"I know, I guess. I just wanted to do it better and longer, that's all," I admitted.

"Well....you can still do that. I mean, who said you only got one shot?" Alison offered. Admittedly, I was mostly panicking because I thought I had just the one shot and I barely did anything I wanted. But I was still doubting myself even then.

"See, now I can't help but think if you're offering out of pity, or because of my reputation, or because I'm way too insecure. I am too insecure, I know, even after all I've done....that's why I want to show all of the best of myself when I'm with actresses. That's why I want to last as long as possible with them and do as much as possible, while I have my chance. And I really, really want to do that with you....but only if you want it for the right reasons."

"You do think too much. And I've played someone who thinks too much for two years, so I would know," Alison countered. "I do want to try again because of your reputation, and to make you less insecure and because you fucked me so good before. And I want to do it because I liked you even before tonight, and you're a lot of fun when you're not freaking out. Maybe not all of those reasons are right to you by themselves, but combined I think they're really great. They're the best of a lot of sides, just like you."

That could make sense in a way. Being good at being dirty and romantic does make for a winning combination in and out of sex. And Alison was great at going back and forth between parts of herself too, like doing comedy and drama, being adorable and sexy, and being sweet and naughty. I had shown her one side of myself during sex; a side I had never shown the others before because I didn't want to finish so soon. Now maybe that would set up my regular side to completely devour her, and I still wanted to do that more than anything.

Alison further confirmed that by leaning it and giving me a gentler kiss than our ones from before. Now I could more fully savor her soft, glossy lips on mine and how her lovely body was pressed up against me. And when we broke off, I could fully take in her sparkling blue eyes looking brightly and lovingly into mine.