You will never read these words, because this entire letter is wrong on every level. Even so, these are feelings that I have to sort out, if only to maintain my sanity. Maybe knowing that someday you would read these words would help a bit more, but I know in my heart it will never be possible. If these thoughts without voice are heresies, I darenot imagine what the written words would be.
I really don't even know where to begin. I suppose it somehow connects to our youth - all things do eventually. But this is something a bit more recent, I think. At least, I only became aware of it recently. We never spent a great deal of time together until recently, and I never really gave it much of a thought. But tonight, we dropped off the loveseat to your place and I had the pleasure of riding with you to your house, then to your mom's. And something happened when you left tonight. I felt physical pain. I was a bit surprised at how quickly and fiercely I felt it. I wasn't sure what was wrong at first, but it soon dawned on me that your absence really bothered me. You were gone, and it hurt.
I had a great time. It was just a car trip, a simple everyday errand, but in your presence it took on more life somehow. I was happy to do it, because I knew I'd get to see you. I've never been opposed to seeing you, anymore than I'd be opposed to seeing anyone in my family. And the few times where we've actually spent hours together, talking and laughing about nothing...those have been some of my most pleasant memories.
I've always had something of a crush on you, I think. I never gave it much thought really, because I didn't see anything unusual about it. It's like I tried to tell you earlier tonight, you are an amazing and unique blend of sweet, caring personality and unimaginable, breath-taking beauty. I wish I could have said it like that earlier. I wish I could have told you that just being in that car with you, just talking and laughing with you, made me feel like I haven't felt in a long, long time. I cannot explain this jubilance that overtakes me when you're around, but somehow I feel happier, I feel more at ease, I feel more alive.
I don't know if I'd call it love. I don't know WHAT I'd call it, actually. What do you call it when you enjoy just being in the same room as someone, when you look forward to spending time with them, when their very presence, their smile, their voice lifts your spirit? What do you call it when you ache because they're not with you, and when you get a rush of adrenaline just thinking about them? When you tingle with excitement every time their name crosses your lips?
All of this and more has been on my heart of late. I cannot explain it. I have no right or reason to entertain such feelings, yet they persist just the same. And the most damning thing of all is that my life, as it is now, is just fine. I don't feel like I'm missing anything, you know? Happily married, 3 kids, going back to school to chase my dreams. And I'm sure you are just as happy in your own life.
Maybe that's all these feelings are. My heart chasing its own dreams. I don't know. But I know that these feelings are starting to interfere with how I function. When I drove home tonight, my every thought - EVERY thought - was on you. When I lay down next to your sister and closed my eyes, I saw you. I saw us smiling and laughing at the old men in the restaurant that were checking you out. I saw you and your nephew wrestling with each other. I saw us yapping endlessly on the way to your mom's house. I saw you, and it hurt, because you weren't with me.
I don't know what this means, but I hope to find an answer someday. I've had feelings like this this for a long time, but they would only persist in your presence and flee in your absence. Yet in the past month or so, they've been steadily growing stronger, even without you being around. There's so much about you that I simply adore. Your sense of humor is priceless. Your dry wit and sarcasm are just perfect. Your compassion and your patience are enviable and laudable. The twinkle in your endless brown eyes, the angelic sound of your laughter, the radiance of your smile...I could go on and on. In every conceivable way, you are the single most amazing person I've ever met.
I don't kid myself. I know you're not perfect, that you have flaws as anyone does. And I know that people often cannot see themselves in the light that I've just described you. But the fact remains, Kylie, that those things and more are what you are to me. If you could see through my eyes for just one moment, you would understand.
I want so badly to tell you. I didn't realize how badly until tonight. Until I looked at you and I wanted to reach out and touch your face or hold you close to me. Until my arms started to physically ache because they couldn't embrace you, and my ears began to burn because they couldn't hear your voice.
You'll never know how much I have come to care about you, how much I adore every word you speak or worship your every breath. No one will ever know but me. Whether you feel the same or not is irrelevant because you'll never know. And if you do move away like you mentioned you might, I'll probably die a little at not being able to see you as often. But I felt like I died just a little tonight when you went home. I don't know why. Maybe it is love. Maybe I do love you. I don't know how or why. But maybe I do.
I hope that if you ever do learn of these feelings that you'll be able to forgive me. I never expected them, never pondered them, never asked for them. Yet I have them just same. I am compelled to feel this way because it just seems like I should. And this little bit of knowledge, these inexplicable feelings I have, would be enough to ruin our friendship, our marriages, and who knows what else. So they will stay buried in my heart, and in this letter. And I will keep wishing, hoping that someday I can show you just how deeply these feelings run, express to you this unexpected yet unflagging devotion, and treat you with all the respect, sincerity and...and love that you deserve.
Yes...maybe love is exactly what this is.