- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Valentines in Riyadh
Note: You can change font size, font face, and turn on dark mode by clicking the "A" icon tab in the Story Info Box.
You can temporarily switch back to a Classic Literotica® experience during our ongoing public Beta testing. Please consider leaving feedback on issues you experience or suggest improvements.
Click here
She looked away when Yousef rose to say
his As-Salaam-Alaykums on the bus
to three distinguished muftis. "Bus is full
of black chadors and chaperones," she hissed.
Her cousin poked her back and whispered she
would rather joke about the lingerie
her uncle Ibrahim had smuggled in
for "what's her name, you know, the second one."
But Mauna's lost in thought. "When Yousef's done
perhaps my veil should fail," she thought, "he'd see
my full red lips, or if I had an itch,
I'd lift my hem to scratch my polished toes"
she did not acetone when after prayers
she fell asleep and dreamt she had no hair.
It's The Cupido, Stupido, Challenge, Feb. 2012, edited version
- COMMENTS
Maria2394about 12 years agothe more I like it. The last 2 lines are the clinchers. You are a Master Poet and I feel privileged to read your poetry. This seems different from what you usually write, but damn, it's goooood! What an imagination you have. Makes me wanna crawl into your mind and sneak a peek while you sleep :)
~ maria
Tzaraabout 12 years agobut I finally have something other than fanboy gush to say. Here:
But Mauna's lost in thought. "When Yousef's done
perhaps my veil should fail," she thought, "he'd see
the repetition of "thought," which I assume is intentional, is a bit distracting. And "my veil should fail" seems to be pushing technique against detail. The rhyme distracts from the image. "[M]y veil should fall" I think would work better, but of course just my opinion.
The closing couplet seems mysterious (and at least a bit impenetrable to me, which is OK--I love the image). I see you changed from all caps to more natural capitalization, but the last couplet seems to me to want to be its own sentence (i.e., "She did not acetone..."
Your second stanza is superb. Again, my opinion, but really.
You, sir, need to take your poems to "real" publication. Just sayin'.
Tzaraabout 12 years agoI'm always impressed at not only how good you are at setting, but how much of a narrative you can produce in so few lines. I really liked this on the thread where it first appeared and really like the revision.
