We Are OnebyInfamousIndeed©
The date was December 15, 2012. The night before had been spent out with friends, drinking and laughing, sneaking my ways into bars since I had no ID. There had been kisses and caresses, giggle-worthy arguments, and a ton of dancing... That morning, though, ruined everything for me. I didn't cry – I couldn't cry. I refused to sleep and spent the entire night surrounded by a fading scent, listening to the breathing of a dog, and feeling the tiny flutters of a beating heart against my fingers. I counted down the hours until the party. I needed it.
The doors opened, and the atmosphere captured me. I was angry, and people could see that. I was angry at the world for what they took from me... I was angry at myself for letting it be taken. I should have fought, I told myself. I should have been stronger than I am. But no... I was weak, and because of my weakness, I had lost something near and dear to my heart.
Talking with people did me no good. I tried to be friendly, I even accepted hugs that made my skin crawl. I clung to my Master and hoped that He would be able to comfort me, but not even His presence was enough to calm the beast, the Big Bad Wolf, that raged in my chest. I was tired of the world, and I wanted to find something, someone... I wanted a victim. I wanted prey. And it was those feelings that kept me from Topping any of the people that asked. I knew I wouldn't stop. I wouldn't want to. I'd beat them until they were nothing, and then I wouldn't be able to put them back together. I turned down scenes and kept my face away so they wouldn't see the hatred in my eyes.
Then, He approached me. His lips caressed my cheek, His arms snaked around my waist, and He whispered to me. "Are you ready?" He asked. I gave a defiant shrug, but offered Him my wrists, nonetheless. He slapped out a pair of leather cuffs, straightened my collar, and whispered how much He loved me. I could only grumble in response. This wasn't going to be good, the Big Bad Wolf told me. Run away, run away, run away. But I didn't. We had planned this scene for weeks, and I wanted it. I wanted Him.
He led me to the cross, slowly and lovingly at first. He was nervous, I could see. Nervous that He would push me too far, nervous that I would come away changed. He had every right to be, even if I wasn't. He kissed me one last time, and then stepped away, staring at me.
Those first few moments were agonizing. I was naked and practically writhing. I was vulnerable.... And I was still very, very angry. I bared my teeth to keep from growling, I struggled against my bindings, I closed my eyes. He started soft, rubbing and slapping my back to warm me up, but I didn't want it. Normally, when being beat, I try to react to my Top. I live for the Exchange.... Yet I found myself fighting it. I found myself fighting HIM. He whispered words to me, and I only growled in response. "Color?" He would ask, and I would snap "Green" before the scene continued.
The pain began to increase, but still, I fought it. I didn't want to feel it... The mood wasn't right. There were people talking loudly, and I could hear them. There were people milling around, and I wanted their heads. There was a song, and I couldn't concentrate.
"In the arms of an angel..."
No. No. NO! No angels! I didn't imagine beaten animals. I didn't think of hurting dogs. No. I didn't want to see her. Her eyes were there, though, bright and shining. Her mouth turned upwards in a smile. Wings sprouting from her back... No.
"Turn it off," I demanded, bringing Him running to my side. My eyes were dry, but everything about me had changed. I was snarling, then, and trying hard not to fight against my restraints. I was vulnerable, I wanted to run away. Do not pass go. Do not collect two hundred dollars. No. JUST LEAVE! I pulled hard at my restraints, but He wouldn't let me go. He kissed my cheek once, and then stepped back, a smirk on His face. He uttered something about "beaten puppies," and I remembered what I should have thought of with this song. Beaten puppies... Oh, hah.
He wasn't standing with me anymore, and I wanted to rip myself free. I could do it, I knew. I could. I could pull hard enough, and those chains would snap, and then I'd be free and I could—
Pain, real and true pain, blossomed across my back. I let out a little noise of surprise, and I pushed myself against the cross, trying to get away from it. What was that?
The same tool. I couldn't recognize it's texture, and I knew better than to turn around. I closed my eyes and took in a deep, shuddering breath...
And then, everything changed.
The music and the talking faded away into the background as the hits came, showering my back in beautiful, raw, primal pain. I could feel the change in Him, as well. No longer were we partners, lying on the bed and arguing about the Doctors. No longer were we lovers, gentle and caring. No longer were we that cute couple holding hands and eating together. He was my Master, and I was His pet. His girl. I tossed my head back at the revelation, and let the Exchange wash over me.
Everything in me shivered, and the pain was followed closely by a wave of pleasure. I made soft noises when I couldn't hold them back, and squirmed when I thought I needed to move. Every motion made fresh waves roll through me, and I felt myself going limp. It was okay, it was all okay. I loved Him, I trusted Him, and I knew He would take care of me. Nothing mattered... it was just me, and it was just Him.
I lost myself to the feel of the beating, and I slumped against the cross. Had He wished to, He could have continued, but He knew my limits better than I did. There was the threat of tears in my eyes – He had already broken me. He approached and I heard a soft buzzing. My intoxicated brain couldn't figure out what He was about to do. The shock of the violet wand's chain sent me up to my toes, but as soon as it was pulled from me, I slumped. He continued the sensation for a few minutes, watching me. I could feel Him right there, just behind me, and I knew that I was safe.
Before I was ready, my arms were falling to my side. I couldn't support myself, but He was there to support me. He wrapped me in a blanket and walked me out of the main room, letting me float in a place where all my pain was nonexistent, where I was loved and could love, where I was safe. He removed the collar so I could breathe, and laid there on the pillow with me, stroking my sore back. No words... They were unnecessary.
Thoughts escaped me for a long while. Nobody needed them... He was with me, and I was part of Him. He was all of me. "Good girl," I heard... gentle whispers, a female voice. Somebody else was with me, though nobody had entered the room. I felt the ghost flush of arms around me, and memories floated through my mind. Withdrawals making me shake, and a kind woman draping a blanket around my shoulders without asking questions. Kisses on the forehead goodnight, and the promise that the nightmares wouldn't come back. Tears shed for the pain I felt when I couldn't cry anymore. A brilliant blue sky and the cooling sweat as I gardened for her sake. Brilliant blue eyes...
Tears streamed down my cheeks, and subdued sobs ripped from my chest. She was gone. She wouldn't ever be there again. She was dead, and had died at three that morning. She loved me until the day she died, I knew. She was doing what she loved. She was gone, and a part of my soul was missing. I cried for the loss of my grandmother, the loss of a friend...
I cried because of the love I felt... the love that I had for my grandmother, and the love I had for my Master. And He held me as I cried, sharing in my pain, just as He had when I was on the cross.
We were one in our pain. We were one in our love.
We are one in our love.