tagHumor & SatireWorst. Hook up. Ever.

Worst. Hook up. Ever.


Worst. Hookup. Ever.

1. This story is completely true. Nothing about this story is fiction in any way, shape or form.
2. I hate chocolate. Trust me, this is pertinent for this story.
3. This is my first story on here, so constructive feedback is always welcomed.

Just recently I met up with a friend of mine, "Coco" for lack of a better nickname, who was really interested in "Learning the Art of Love" so to speak. In other words, she is extremely inexperienced when it comes to sex. Of course, of all people, she chooses me to help her with this endeavor.

I picked her up from a local convenience store where she had just bought some beer. She was in there with another friend, "RockSolid," whom she was hanging out with at the time, thus I gave him a ride home.

After departing from RockSolid's place, I told Coco that I had to go to the grocery store, and since she was bitching and moaning about being hungry, I suggested that we grab some food from there.

-------I would now like to take this time to say that Coco and I have tried to have sexual conquests in the past, all to my dismay, absolute failure. One of the things Coco said was, "Maybe I am not wet enough." Thus came the idea: Lube.

When arriving at the grocery store I got the usual bullshit that I need to survive plus two very important things in order to keep the night "interesting:" Chocolate syrup and lubricant.

After checking out I went straight for my place. I unpacked some of the groceries and then proceeded to rest on the couch. That's when Coco decided to make her move. She immediately jumped on me, straddling me, and began to "make out" with me, if you could call it that. A more accurate description of this "kissing" technique would be devouring my mouth like a starving pigmy devours a Chipotle burrito. She continued this for a while, and for some strange and sick reason, I felt my erection growing.

"Coco," I said through tongue slaps and restlessness. "Let's get some beer." She smiled at me, and no lie, it's the type of "Awwww, how cute," smile that is just so cute that it makes you choke on your vomit purposely just to be polite.

I immediately grabbed some beers and opened them, giving her one and taking one for myself. I proceeded to drink mine, expecting some sort of pleasant conversation to arise out of this, perhaps some sober making out in a more tame way, but it was not until this very moment in which I realized that Coco must have been more of a man than me or she was trying to prove her womanhood in the most masculine way: She had already chugged her beer by the time I was a third finished with mine.

She then proceeded her animalistic make out routine again, somehow getting my chin involved in that mammoth sized mouth of hers. This carried on for another five minutes until I finished my beer (trust me, with Coco straddling you, you'll find it hard to finish a breath).

"Coco," I asked her, trying to be sly. "Why don't we just chill out in our underwear for this round? Make things a little sexy?"

I could see her glossy eyes stare back at me as if she was on the verge of passing out. "Ummmm..... one more beer." I reluctantly grab beers for us and, of course, in my mind I am thinking to myself "..... get her drunk, she won't feel the pain when you try to fuck her again, its all going to be good...." and the result of that thought process was less than pleasing.

Once again, Coco chugged that beer like her life depended on it. I followed suite because, well, who doesn't want to see a bitch in her underwear? Coco then stood up and proceeded to take my shirt of, running her hands up and down my chest, gently moaning to herself as she examined my body. I slowly took her shirt of and slide my hand across her breasts, paying special attention to her nipples, poorly hidden by the fabric of her bra.

I continue to pull her skirt down, and much to my surprise, her underwear matched her bra. If there is anything in the world that involves clothing on a woman that turns me on the most, it is matching underwear. My cock grew harder and harder as the kinky side of my mind remembered what her sexual interests were, so I went to the freezer, grabbed an ice cube, and put it in my mouth.

I walked back to Coco who was now sprawled out on my couch. I straddled her and passionately kissed her chest, keeping the ice cube in my mouth. I could tell that she liked this due to the large amount of moaning coming from her. Her arms reached around my head and pressed my face into her breasts, almost suffocating me. She kept on pulling my head down and I struggled, my face turning read in the process. I finally managed to break free, and so did the ice cube. The ice cube flew from my mouth, off of Coco's tit, and onto the floor.

"Oh... shit..... we lost the ice cube...." Coco said in her less than attractive glamour (more like a drunken glamour). She looked up at me, and in her ruthless puppy dog face and cheap underwear, she asked, "Can I have another beer?"

"Are you drunk?" I asked, slightly worried for some odd reason.

"No, I'm not drunk.... I feel fine..."
Her smile was less than convincing and I continued to bring us beers. This time I made sure that she wouldn't feel a damn thing through intercourse, so I challenged her.

"I bet I can drink my beer faster than you." I said.

She looked at me, then began to chug, and so did I. And sure enough, I beat her to the bottom. She started burping, apologizing for it with whatever English coherence she had, and then began to make out with me some more. And, please allow me to say, I was not going to stand for this wooly mammoth mouth to devour my face ever again, thus I became the aggressor.

I pushed her down on the couch and proceed to kiss her the same way she did to me, moans escaping our lips and our breathing becoming even more labored than before. Our hands caressed each others partially clothed bodies, and her hand immediately gripped my ass. She squeezed it (just the way I like it, mind you) and I moaned deeply into her wanting mouth. Her hands eventually made way to my now rock hard cock, and she began to jerk it slowly.

One poor thing about Coco is that she cannot feel any friction in her hands whatsoever (and I learned this the hard way: via massage by Coco). As she began jerking my cock I moaned, and eventually that moaned turned into a scream, and that scream turned into a bite, and that bite turned into a massive hickie on her chest.

"Mmmmm.... Ohhh...... mmmmm....... OWWWWWWW!!!!!!!" she cried.

"What?" I replied. "You said you wanted it."

"I know... but that hurt.... And I kinda liked it."

I chuckled a little because I believe that the time had come. The moment I was waiting for. I was finally going to have sex with Coco and actually have my entire penis inside her. I was not going to hit her entrance and it would not be a brick wall. I was not going to get the head of my cock inside her and listen to her scream. I was not going to take this "You're too big" bullshit from her. I was going to take this bitch for good whether she liked it or not.

I asked her if she wanted to go to the bedroom for the festivities to begin, but her answer was ridiculous.



"I don't want to go to the bed"

She then proceeded to lay down on her back and brings her legs up on her chest, her feet sticking up straight in the air, like some sort of make shift ball. From what I had gathered, this dumb bitch wanted me to attempt to fuck her while she still had her underwear on and on a couch that is at most two feet wide.

"Coco, seriously, lets just go to my bedroom so we can fuck, ok?" I calmly requested.

"I don't like the lights. Can you turn off the lights?" She replied.

"Coco, there are no fucking lights in my bedroom. Let's just go there."

"Fine," she reluctantly said, and she proceeded to strip down even further while "sprawled out" on my couch. I chose to follow suit because in my mind, I thought, "Well, whatever makes this shit easier..."

But there was a problem. A very big problem. And that was Coco. She was not coherent. She was not sober. And she IS NOT skinny. Coco is short, maybe five feet tall maximum, but she's still a big girl. No I have to think about how to get this obese midget over to my bed.

I attempted to hold her hands and lift her up, and that really seemed to be getting the job done, but her upper body was moving and her lower body wasn't, so I was turning this girl in a giant circle. In attempt to pull her off my couch, I reached down to quickly grab her body, but I wasn't quick enough...

CONK! Her head slammed against the floor, causing the Earth to shake underneath my feet. Scared, I rushed to her side, pulling her limp body up, finally to her feet.

"Ow! Wait.... What just happened?" She asked.

"Nothing, just get the fuck in my bedroom," I retorted.

As I took her by the hand and walked her to the bedroom, I heard her slam herself into the wall, but she kept walking... into another wall... then eventually, the bedroom. I physically threw her face down on the bed and grabbed the lube. I spread the lube gently around her pussy, and she moaned. There was something different about that moan though... It was like she was relaxed, finally finding her "happy place" prior to a late night romping.

To assure that there was all the "natural lubricant" there as well, I began spanking her ass with a medium strength at first, until she told me to do it harder. I increased the intensity of the spanking more and more until I felt like my hand was on fire, and all this poor little girl wanted was more. The funny thing to me is that it took a split second for her to actually register the fact that I was purposely beating the shit out of her ass every time that I spanked her.
After about five minutes of the most intense spanking that I delivered, I noticed her return back to that state of solitude. I ran my hand over her ass, and her ashy brown skin was warm and smooth to the touch like a limp honey-baked komodo dragon. I positioned myself at her entrance, wanting so badly to conquer this gorgeous flower, and slowly attempted to slide myself in.

"Mmm.... Ow ow ow..... ow ow OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" she screamed.

"What's wrong, Coco?" I asked.

"It hurts, it just really hurts..."

"What do you mean it hurts?"

"It just hurts... I'm sorry.... what is wrong with me?"

"I don't fucking know? Should we try another position?"

"Uhhhh.... Ok.... Wait, why does my head hurt?"

"Who cares, just lay down on your back."

I thought that maybe fucking her missionary style would be the best way to go about things, but as I positioned her, another revelation came to me: Her legs where not only thick, but short, so she could last maybe a minute in this position before her legs got tired. That means I only have one minute to act on my perverted sexual impulse, so I think I will have a go... No, scratch that. I'm going to pile drive this bitch.

I positioned my cock at her entrance and pushed forward, not giving a fuck about her resisting in anyway, shape or form. It took a while to realize this, but that push forward almost knocked her off the bed. Not exactly the plan that I had in mind so I repositioned myself and had another go. And another. And another. And another. Her screams echoed throughout my apartment and I could not even bear to stand the shrill noises coming out of her mouth, thus I was forced to stop.

"I'm sorry... what is wrong with me? Why am I like this?" she asked, tears streaming down from her eyes.

"How the fuck should I know, you are the one with the problem." I replied, obviously pissed off at the fact that I was literally cock blocked by a vagina.

"I know... I am so sorry... but... mom... can you get the chocolate sauce?"

"Sure." I did not need to be told twice what to do with the chocolate sauce, so I poured a little on my cock and offered it to her. Coco may have a fucked up vagina, but she redeems herself in many respects with her ability to suck cock. She expertly work my cock in her mouth, her tongue caressing every side of it, obviously loving what she was doing, but also loving the fact that my hard cock was covered in chocolate.

I was standing during this act of redemption, and my head fell back and my mouth opened as if to thank God and the Heavens above me that if anything, I would get a mind-blowing blowjob (pun intended). I slowly thrusted my cock in her mouth, moaning at the feeling of her thick, red lips and elephant-esque tongue.

After a while I found myself being pulled down into another make out (face eating on her part) session. I think that Coco could tell that she was doing something wrong, so she decided to put her luscious lips of gloriousness to better use. She took the chocolate syrup and poured it all over my chest and stomach. The lights were off in my room, but the look on my face would have let you know that I was obviously very much so petrified. And by pouring I mean that I could have been packaged and sold after she was done with that shit.

She somehow managed to start licking the chocolate, but that only made things worse. She ended up spreading the chocolate, not really lapping it up. She then got up and straddled me. "God dammit," I thought, "is this shit really going to happen?" And sure enough it did. She leaned forward and commenced with another face eating session. She smothered the chocolate all over my mouth and chin, and her drunken horny mood was only part of what I was getting pissed off about. The fact that this bitch wouldn't say no to anything neither getting any fucking hint that I wasn't enjoying our little escapade also fueled my anger.

"Coco, this really isn't working. You have spread the fucking chocolate everywhere, can you just use your tits or something?"

"Ok," she replied, and slowly began to rub her breasts up against my stomach. I could feel her nipples sliding against my skin, and I moaned at the brief moment of pleasure that I was finding in this already failing sex romp. She then stopped and straddled me again.


She moved forward.

Fuck. No.

There they were. Two massive gongs hanging off her body as if stolen off of the island of Java themselves, covered in chocolate sauce.

She began to lean forward. I tried to get her to stop but she didn't. The two chocolate covered tits slammed into my face and the chocolate sauce raped my eyes, nose, mouth, and ears.

That took this shit over the edge and I knew that there was no way I am turning back on any action after this. I did my first instinctive thing and that was bite. Bit hard. And I mean really fucking hard. Don't give that girl a hickie. Give that cunt a big ass tattoo. I bit her as hard as I could roughly four or five times on the chest, causing her to scream in pain (or pleasure, I have no fucking clue. You take your pick).

"Hey! What the fuck? That really hurt!"

"No shit. I thought you liked it."

"But that hurt!"

"Do you want more?"

"No...." She then started grinding up against me, which was kinda nice at first. But by this time, I forgot the golden rule of chocolate sauce and all other related substances: It gets sticky. REALLY sticky. Every time that she grinded up against me, the sauce was sticky enough that it pulling at the skin of my cock in the worst way possible. It was so painful that I threw her off myself and breathed deeply, trying to regain feeling in my cock.

"Hehehe... the sauce is sticky..." She giggled.

"No fucking shit, Sherlock." I retorted.

I immediately jumped in the shower and cleaned myself off, finally finished with the night. I could not take another minute of even being in the same bedroom with that bitch. After I showered I quickly dried off and began watching "Call of Juarez" walkthroughs (I don't own the game, but its pretty damn cool.) she showered herself and then joined me in bed, trying to calm me down, and epically failing. She fell backwards and passed out. All was well until I began to hear a nose that sounded like a mix of a pig snort and a breathy deep yell. I looked back at Coco and noticed that she was in fact snoring, and that pushed my anger over the edge. I repositioned her on the bed so I could lay down as well and eventually fell asleep.

Morals to this story:
1. Bitches, there is one thing that you need to know: Vaginismus is going to be a killer in your sex life. Look it up. It's Coco's problem.
2. Chocolate sauce gets sticky. When it comes to sex, use it with caution.
3. Drunken foreigners are the worst hookups in the world. I am completely and utterly convinced that this moral is absolutely true. I don't care who you are or where you are from: This moral is true.

Bitches, is it out of the question for a guy to ask for a woman with a normal, working vagina? Is that literally too much to ask for?

P.S. – "I'm only calling the women bitches because I don't know ya'll individually." – Kat Williams

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