You Know, I had a Thought…

How odd, I thought,
To find myself alone again,
Sitting here to think once more about the
Variations on the singular theme of love and death...
To say, that is,
Loving to die,
And dying to love...
Music as this drifts throughout my conscious mind
And creates there, amidst all the other inner turmoil,
A web of altruistic and intrinsic desires...
The desires of both tearing me asunder.
Thus is born a psyche of both shadow and light,
Substance and air,
Love and hate,
Life and death.

To find however, a combination of these
Most true to myself...
Most true to my spirit...
Yet also, least lethal to my soul's desires,
Gives rise to the quiet need of a solid foundation
Upon which to lay bare my deciduous being,
And then offer up my naked soul
To the love and subsequent pain
Of this lustful quest I desire.

It is a most glorious quest, though -
A quest of sparkling, joyous innocence,
And yet, soon, possibly innocence lost.
For it is also a battle of mortal wits,
Of sinful desires,
And deviant, worldly, delights.
And you will find the path most easily taken
To be inherently selfish;
Quite unmindful of the feelings
Or of the pain inflicted on others
Just so you might experience those sensuous delights.
And then realize, also, that soon, after a time,
The quest will be over, and yet you will find
That the Holy Grail is elusively still out there,
Somewhere still waiting to be found.

And then comes the pain...
The pain amidst the realization...
The realization that nothing will ever be the same...
The realization of wasted years...
Wasted, with nothing to show for them,
Nothing of any consequence, to be sure.
No true love to help share the pain,
No God out there to perhaps explain,
No one really at all to blame,
No one that is, except yourself...
None, finally...
But yourself.

And then come the tears,
The tears for the unsaved...
                 The unloved...
                              The lost...
                                          Soul.
The soul, once more lost,
Finding itself once again, loving to die...
Or maybe, perhaps still in this lifetime...
Maybe, with just a little luck,
Once again, dying to love...
I don't know...
I really don't know...
I was just thinking.