It starts good but we are left hanging, fill out the story. He made an ass out of himself, why? She whored herself to who?
by
Anonymous12/10/14
this is
god awful terrible, why do people do things they can't in your case write or tell a story, i'm not trying to be mean just truthful.
by
Anonymous12/10/14
You gotta be certifiably insane to write such garbage.
Author, run, don't walk, to see a doctor. Oh, yes, a "1."
by
Anonymous12/10/14
dead wives tell no lies
nor do they cheat
by
Anonymous12/10/14
ah, that elusive artform that is the "flash story".....
Really, your goal to write a flash, a brief snippit in the lives of two people, a story of adultery even, IS possible, and HAS been done.........
But it is Oh so hard to do well.
What makes a flash work, is the emergence of very detailed descriptions. You might think it takes fewer words (necessary to keep the brief length to one page only), but really that is the wrong appraoch. To achieve this goal, you can't waste a single sentance, and need to pack each one full of description and emotion so that by the end, you had needed fewer sentances to adhere to the brief length, but still told a complete story. What makes a flash story work, is the exact same thing that makes ANY story work: Strong characterizations, Plot, Tone, Imagery, Climax etc. Again, the challenge ISN'T to do it with fewer words, but to do the same thing as any other story teller, but only using fewer sentances, however, each one carefully constructed to create maximum impact, while holding nothing back.
Here you have fallen short, because there is too much we don't know about your characters, and there is NO CLEAR reason expressed that supports your resolution.
OK so he forgives her.....WHY? Is it the fear of being alone? How did he decide that she HADN'T cheated before, when he suspected it all along? When she returns, her actions speak more of guilt for ongoing affairs, than confusion over one drunken and angry mistake. The old man isn't privy to her internal monolgue, so why does he NOW have faith?
I'm sure you could have told this exact same same story, but improved it significantly if you had focused instead on the dialogue.
"never again" x4 IS NOT CLEVER, DESCRIPTIVE WRITING!
This speaks more to the reader believing the old man a pathetic fool, instead of praising his strength and compassion in his ability to forgive.
It WAS clear enough to see what you were trying to do, but sadly this time you fell short of your goals. Sorry, but keep trying, and good luck!
by
Anonymous12/10/14
Trying to figure this one in my mind...
Yep Gaps... I "think" the writer is trying to focus on the mindset coming out of a drunken stuper... not the thinking mind several days or weeks following the event... I am Just Thinking
by
Anonymous12/10/14
Trophy wife?
A terrible word indicating the wife is only there for decorating a husband's worthlessness (if that is an english word). Please try to think in a more emancipated way. But I understand that will be difficult.
It covered alot of emotions in a short story, very good.
by
Anonymous12/10/14
Anonymous
The comments are better than the story particularly the comment from the "writer" who posted anonymously after receiving a much deserved critique of his own style of comments. As for me I cant score this.
by
Anonymous12/10/14
what a wimp - she is a slut and they both know it.
A good story...short, but full of emotions...A person that doesn't have confidence in himself, brings himself to this situations...4*...
by
Anonymous12/10/14
A lot of assumptions
Did she fuck the other man or just fall asleep on his bed? Nothing to say what happened. What did the 'Old Man' say to her? Was it 'fuck off', or something similar, so she did. Did they both regret what they had done? Seems like it. Clearly both 'rescued' each other from some earlier troubles and seem to need each other. Not spelt out here, so it is left to the reader to bridge the gaps.
by
Anonymous12/10/14
Solid Story
Short, but you developed the emotions very well. The action was logical as well. You probably could have added the detail of how much older hubby is, and how long they've been together, and maybe his offer of getting counseling. But solid story, nonetheless.
by
Anonymous12/10/14
There are unfortunately a bunch of total assholes on this site. They have commented.
This was well writ and terribly sad. his jealousy and anger will return tenfold. She's doomed herself..
Fantastic short piece - wrought with devastating emotion. 5*
This was an excellent sketch which is done in very small time frame. Who knows what will be true final this reflects the waterfall of emotions that surround such happenings.
by
Anonymous12/10/14
Yeah, they're toast.
He just doesn't have the poise and confidence to be her husband. She might stay, but it will be even worse from here on. She will feel the need to live and act like a nun. He will be looking for the whore to reemerge at the right opportunity. They should never have married. And probably won't be within a year or two. Sad and well crafted tale. Thank You.
by
Anonymous12/10/14
re: There are unfortunately a bunch of total assholes on this site.
You are correct. However, they are primariy those who cannot just comment on the story, they have to slam others for daring to have a different opinion. Yeah, a lot of these comments are cliched and trite, but at least their comments are aimed at the story. You can disagree with them, you can call them on their own originality, without, well, being an asshole.
And they do it to themselves. Wrong on both sides, no way to give in, no way to let go.
What was good is doomed, what was bad still remains.
A bit bitter at the start, and bitter in the interim.
Even worse at the end, because the pain will only return again. That much is now a given.
Jealousy always ends everything.
Thanks,
MGM
That's the best I got from this story. He lightly slapped her; she dropped an atom bomb on him. Sure, a marriage should survive the exchange. But it's clear who violated the marriage most and needs to make the biggest repair.
He was jealous of her flirting with another man so she very publicly went away to fuck, then convinced her hubby it was his fault. Has that ever happened to anyone in real life and they fell for it?
by
Anonymous12/11/14
So many negative comment ,you expect from BTB crowd death at any cost.
So what if they work it out. It was one mistake both have issues and at fault. She seems like a down to earth female. He. Set her off with those accusations . Yet from the peanut gallery comes all there sick comments
yes! A very true to life story fueled by an alcoholic husband. He should go to Alanon and learn to be a "dry" man. Then maybe he can become a loving husband.
This story has a lot of emotion in it. It is probably closer to the truth than most other stories. I do believe that most married people are faithful most of the times, but anyone can be unfaithful under the 'perfect storm' of circumstances.
It was sort of a sketch, and would have been better if you doubled the length. Resentment building over time, too much alcohol, raging emotion can lead to bad things. Still I agree with you that one slip may not be fatal. From the wife's perspective, there was no joy in adulteryville, and little likely hood of a repeat, but they have to fix some problems, excessive drinking and unreasonable jealousy being prominent.
As is, it is better than most of the commenters think, but maybe not as good as you will do in a year or two.
you coulda made it a little longer, but that's more of an opinion than a critique of your writing. i gave it 4
by
Anonymous12/11/14
re: re: There are unfortunately a bunch of total assholes on this site. You are correct. However, they are primariy those who cannot just comment on the story, they have to slam others for daring to have a different opinion.
This cowardly turd of a commenter needs tracking down and tortured. It has no real life anyway.
So, with the husband spouting his jealousy in a drunken rage, she goes out and does what he's accusing her of doing. For the first time, Ever. His fault? Her fault?
Damn. Don't ask me. I'm fucked up enough.
by
Anonymous12/11/14
Hmmm
i don't get it. What happened? I mean what really happened, other than a "Jealous rant" and then waking up in another mans bed - what happened? Did hubby leave her at party and the other man took her home, or did she walk out on hubby with the man, what happened? Are we supposed to guess? What happened - I don't get it
A trophy wife implies one thing: a trophy. And you don't love a trophy.
Likewise, calling him "my old man" is an appellation best used to describe a familial relation as opposed to a person you have intimate feelings for. They are not terms of endearment, simply a discription of their age and is unlikely to be used as depictions of affection.
As for the actual plot, I give a solid four stars; but your repeated use of "trophy wife" and "d man" were just insulting. So I give this exceble example of patronizing an equally shitty one.
by
Anonymous12/11/14
Excellent story
So much emotion in such a short story. Great job. I don't normally think this, but I think that her cheating will actually strengthen their marriage. He was so consumed with his fear of her cheating on him that he couldn't enjoy the marriage. With this experience he finally got to see that she loved HIM. Not his money but she loved the person. With this behind them maybe he can trust her a little more.
It says quite explicitly that she left with the guy and woke up in bed with him, and while not said explicitly it was STRONGLY implied that she slept with him.
excellent character study of a dysfunctional relationship between
They're not ready to say goodbye. Maybe massive counseling could save marriage. Personally, I doubt it. Fine writing with some affected moments , but that's a matter of personal taste.
Accuse me of something I am not doing and never have done often enough and make me miserable for nothing, well then what is left but to do what I'm accused of?
"I might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb" as the very old saying goes.
You did a wonderful job of bringing out the character's basic human insecurities. You brought a tear to my eyes.
by
Anonymous02/19/15
Very nice
Two drunken people in love. Sometimes the alcohol makes you stupid. I was glad that they saw thru the alcohol and realized that they loved one another and rather than throwing stones at each other, all they needed to do was talk. And stop drinking so damn much! Good flash story. Thanks
by
Anonymous10/01/15
LOL!
She didn't do anything to encourage him?! She encouraged him by not discouraging him. She knew it was upsetting her husband she knew the other guy wanted to have sex with her. So if she really wasn't interested she should have said something to discourage the other guy. She could have still laughed and enjoyed her self after telling the other guy she wasn't interested. She seemed to fall into bed really easily with him so she probably has done this before. Finally she supposedly is drunk so where is her hangover? The rest of the story she says nothing about being hungover. So probably wasn't drunk. She should've known better, she just didn't care to.
by
Anonymous06/23/16
Just goes to show you... just when you think stories can't get stupider, you read another one.
English
My old man, My trophy wife, exactly how old are they? That was a 1* OUTLINE for a story.
sad
Cuck husband and cheating wife 1*
God Awful *
Terrible writing, terrible plot. One Star
COUNSELING MIGHT NOT HELP
an insane asylum might. TK U MLJ LV NV
loved it
Good but too short it needs more détails
good start what next
It starts good but we are left hanging, fill out the story. He made an ass out of himself, why? She whored herself to who?
this is
god awful terrible, why do people do things they can't in your case write or tell a story, i'm not trying to be mean just truthful.
You gotta be certifiably insane to write such garbage.
Author, run, don't walk, to see a doctor. Oh, yes, a "1."
dead wives tell no lies
nor do they cheat
ah, that elusive artform that is the "flash story".....
Really, your goal to write a flash, a brief snippit in the lives of two people, a story of adultery even, IS possible, and HAS been done.........
But it is Oh so hard to do well.
What makes a flash work, is the emergence of very detailed descriptions. You might think it takes fewer words (necessary to keep the brief length to one page only), but really that is the wrong appraoch. To achieve this goal, you can't waste a single sentance, and need to pack each one full of description and emotion so that by the end, you had needed fewer sentances to adhere to the brief length, but still told a complete story. What makes a flash story work, is the exact same thing that makes ANY story work: Strong characterizations, Plot, Tone, Imagery, Climax etc. Again, the challenge ISN'T to do it with fewer words, but to do the same thing as any other story teller, but only using fewer sentances, however, each one carefully constructed to create maximum impact, while holding nothing back.
Here you have fallen short, because there is too much we don't know about your characters, and there is NO CLEAR reason expressed that supports your resolution.
OK so he forgives her.....WHY? Is it the fear of being alone? How did he decide that she HADN'T cheated before, when he suspected it all along? When she returns, her actions speak more of guilt for ongoing affairs, than confusion over one drunken and angry mistake. The old man isn't privy to her internal monolgue, so why does he NOW have faith?
I'm sure you could have told this exact same same story, but improved it significantly if you had focused instead on the dialogue.
"never again" x4 IS NOT CLEVER, DESCRIPTIVE WRITING!
This speaks more to the reader believing the old man a pathetic fool, instead of praising his strength and compassion in his ability to forgive.
It WAS clear enough to see what you were trying to do, but sadly this time you fell short of your goals. Sorry, but keep trying, and good luck!
Trying to figure this one in my mind...
Yep Gaps... I "think" the writer is trying to focus on the mindset coming out of a drunken stuper... not the thinking mind several days or weeks following the event... I am Just Thinking
Trophy wife?
A terrible word indicating the wife is only there for decorating a husband's worthlessness (if that is an english word). Please try to think in a more emancipated way. But I understand that will be difficult.
Very Good
It covered alot of emotions in a short story, very good.
Anonymous
The comments are better than the story particularly the comment from the "writer" who posted anonymously after receiving a much deserved critique of his own style of comments. As for me I cant score this.
what a wimp - she is a slut and they both know it.
Pathetic.
Good story...
A good story...short, but full of emotions...A person that doesn't have confidence in himself, brings himself to this situations...4*...
A lot of assumptions
Did she fuck the other man or just fall asleep on his bed? Nothing to say what happened. What did the 'Old Man' say to her? Was it 'fuck off', or something similar, so she did. Did they both regret what they had done? Seems like it. Clearly both 'rescued' each other from some earlier troubles and seem to need each other. Not spelt out here, so it is left to the reader to bridge the gaps.
Solid Story
Short, but you developed the emotions very well. The action was logical as well. You probably could have added the detail of how much older hubby is, and how long they've been together, and maybe his offer of getting counseling. But solid story, nonetheless.
There are unfortunately a bunch of total assholes on this site. They have commented.
This was well writ and terribly sad. his jealousy and anger will return tenfold. She's doomed herself..
Fantastic short piece - wrought with devastating emotion. 5*
Welcome...
to the hell that is the loving wives genre!
Don't pay any attention to the anonymous comments. This was a great little story filled with all the angst and emotion one could ask for.
Keep writing. Try something a little longer next time.
I gave it a well deserved five.
Agree with Carvohi
This was an excellent sketch which is done in very small time frame. Who knows what will be true final this reflects the waterfall of emotions that surround such happenings.
Yeah, they're toast.
He just doesn't have the poise and confidence to be her husband. She might stay, but it will be even worse from here on. She will feel the need to live and act like a nun. He will be looking for the whore to reemerge at the right opportunity. They should never have married. And probably won't be within a year or two. Sad and well crafted tale. Thank You.
re: There are unfortunately a bunch of total assholes on this site.
You are correct. However, they are primariy those who cannot just comment on the story, they have to slam others for daring to have a different opinion. Yeah, a lot of these comments are cliched and trite, but at least their comments are aimed at the story. You can disagree with them, you can call them on their own originality, without, well, being an asshole.
The things some do?
And they do it to themselves. Wrong on both sides, no way to give in, no way to let go.
What was good is doomed, what was bad still remains.
A bit bitter at the start, and bitter in the interim.
Even worse at the end, because the pain will only return again. That much is now a given.
Jealousy always ends everything.
Thanks,
MGM
thought it was a nice little short
3 stars
Creakily Really is a Word
That's the best I got from this story. He lightly slapped her; she dropped an atom bomb on him. Sure, a marriage should survive the exchange. But it's clear who violated the marriage most and needs to make the biggest repair.
A tear jerker.
Nicely done.
What a spineless wimp
He was jealous of her flirting with another man so she very publicly went away to fuck, then convinced her hubby it was his fault. Has that ever happened to anyone in real life and they fell for it?
So many negative comment ,you expect from BTB crowd death at any cost.
So what if they work it out. It was one mistake both have issues and at fault. She seems like a down to earth female. He. Set her off with those accusations . Yet from the peanut gallery comes all there sick comments
Cool, she has a permanent get out of jail free card.
To anonymous with the spineless wimp
yes! A very true to life story fueled by an alcoholic husband. He should go to Alanon and learn to be a "dry" man. Then maybe he can become a loving husband.
Wow, such anonymous bile!
I enjoyed the story very much. Both characters regret their drunken lapses. The mood of each is encapsulated neatly. No extra fluff. Well Done!
A very touching story!
This story has a lot of emotion in it. It is probably closer to the truth than most other stories. I do believe that most married people are faithful most of the times, but anyone can be unfaithful under the 'perfect storm' of circumstances.
Good story
It was sort of a sketch, and would have been better if you doubled the length. Resentment building over time, too much alcohol, raging emotion can lead to bad things. Still I agree with you that one slip may not be fatal. From the wife's perspective, there was no joy in adulteryville, and little likely hood of a repeat, but they have to fix some problems, excessive drinking and unreasonable jealousy being prominent.
As is, it is better than most of the commenters think, but maybe not as good as you will do in a year or two.
Chilley
wasnt that bad at all
you coulda made it a little longer, but that's more of an opinion than a critique of your writing. i gave it 4
re: re: There are unfortunately a bunch of total assholes on this site. You are correct. However, they are primariy those who cannot just comment on the story, they have to slam others for daring to have a different opinion.
This cowardly turd of a commenter needs tracking down and tortured. It has no real life anyway.
Hmmm...
So, with the husband spouting his jealousy in a drunken rage, she goes out and does what he's accusing her of doing. For the first time, Ever. His fault? Her fault?
Damn. Don't ask me. I'm fucked up enough.
Hmmm
i don't get it. What happened? I mean what really happened, other than a "Jealous rant" and then waking up in another mans bed - what happened? Did hubby leave her at party and the other man took her home, or did she walk out on hubby with the man, what happened? Are we supposed to guess? What happened - I don't get it
A trophy wife implies one thing: a trophy. And you don't love a trophy.
Likewise, calling him "my old man" is an appellation best used to describe a familial relation as opposed to a person you have intimate feelings for. They are not terms of endearment, simply a discription of their age and is unlikely to be used as depictions of affection.
As for the actual plot, I give a solid four stars; but your repeated use of "trophy wife" and "d man" were just insulting. So I give this exceble example of patronizing an equally shitty one.
Excellent story
So much emotion in such a short story. Great job. I don't normally think this, but I think that her cheating will actually strengthen their marriage. He was so consumed with his fear of her cheating on him that he couldn't enjoy the marriage. With this experience he finally got to see that she loved HIM. Not his money but she loved the person. With this behind them maybe he can trust her a little more.
@Anonymous "Hmmm"
Have trouble with reading comprehension much?
It says quite explicitly that she left with the guy and woke up in bed with him, and while not said explicitly it was STRONGLY implied that she slept with him.
@Whackdoodle
Terms of endearment are whatever works for the couple.
If HE likes being called her "old man", and if SHE enjoys being his "trophy wife", then who are we to deny them that small pleasure?
excellent character study of a dysfunctional relationship between
They're not ready to say goodbye. Maybe massive counseling could save marriage. Personally, I doubt it. Fine writing with some affected moments , but that's a matter of personal taste.
understandable
Accuse me of something I am not doing and never have done often enough and make me miserable for nothing, well then what is left but to do what I'm accused of?
"I might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb" as the very old saying goes.
Short And Boring**
I did not like this one.
Duh
Sucked scum, this story.
Wonderful
You did a wonderful job of bringing out the character's basic human insecurities. You brought a tear to my eyes.
Very nice
Two drunken people in love. Sometimes the alcohol makes you stupid. I was glad that they saw thru the alcohol and realized that they loved one another and rather than throwing stones at each other, all they needed to do was talk. And stop drinking so damn much! Good flash story. Thanks
LOL!
She didn't do anything to encourage him?! She encouraged him by not discouraging him. She knew it was upsetting her husband she knew the other guy wanted to have sex with her. So if she really wasn't interested she should have said something to discourage the other guy. She could have still laughed and enjoyed her self after telling the other guy she wasn't interested. She seemed to fall into bed really easily with him so she probably has done this before. Finally she supposedly is drunk so where is her hangover? The rest of the story she says nothing about being hungover. So probably wasn't drunk. She should've known better, she just didn't care to.
Just goes to show you... just when you think stories can't get stupider, you read another one.
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to Bridging the Gap or
More submissions by GetToIt.