Big Brother Knows Best

Never read such rubbish

Nill Stars

pretty good, interested in what happens next

Well written. I'm hoping there's more to come.

I like where this is going.

Sexy older brother

He's older than she? Give him the maturity of having some dark hair on his chest and abs -- something for Nala to run her fingers through!

Started

Out ok but didn't go far enough before ending, understand maybe not wanting to wake the parents by having sex but could have played with her feeling her little breast and wet little pussy.

An editor would help.

Also ,if you're going to use Australasian slang terms like "beaut" or "jeez", you're probably going to confuse a few readers if you don't explicitly set the scene and put your story in Australia or New Zealand where terms like that are common, eh.

don't worry

your use of slang is fine. Only an american would complain about something so trivial. Those words, 'jeez and beaut, are used in every English speaking country and most of the U.S. as well. Keep up what you are doing.

Good Start

Not bad for a first submission.

Ignore the people who complain about slang. Real people use slang in conversations every day, and it makes the dialogue more realistic. Nobody speaks perfect English constantly in real life.

That said, I really recommend reading your story out loud to yourself (at the very least, the dialogue) during the editing and revising process. Lines that your eyes read normally can sound terribly awkward when verbalised. Example: "I always was too open with you about everything even when you were young and I wonder about your flagrant sexuality." Without punctuation, this reads as one long, quickly-rambled sentence. I find it best to break up long sentences like this with commas so the characters have a chance to catch their breath, or with periods to make the result punchier. I might re-write the line like this:

"I always was too open with you about everything, even when you were young. Now I wonder if that hurt more than it helped. Especially with your flagrant sexuality."

One other suggestion: you've got a picture in your head of who Maddox and Nala are as characters, but the transition from your imagination to the page is incomplete. The more fleshed out and real your characters are in the story, the hotter it makes the action. We know Maddox was a soldier, we know Nala's got pale skin, we know they're attractive, but we need more than that. This is a short encounter, true, so there's not a lot of time for character building, but as a reader I need to know lots more. I need to believe they're doing what they're doing for a good reason, and right now the only reason they're getting together is "because the author says so". That's fine if that's what you're going for, but if you want that rating higher and that coveted 'H' beside the story's title, this is one of the best ways to get there. :)

Get yourself in with the volunteer editor program, especially if you don't have much experience with writing, or at least browse the 'How To' section of the site. Lovecraft68, MaxSebastian, and Tink4Fairy all have useful guides to getting the most out of your characters and the section to which you're submitting.

Right now, Maddox and Nala are two-dimensional paper cut-outs. They're cute, but they're far from real. Help them find their way into a 3D printer so we can see them, appreciate them, and best of all understand and applaud them when they finally push through into the "final frontier". :)

Incredibly Bad Grammar

Despite an intriguing story set up, this should have been edited before you submitted it to the site because of the bad grammar. And I should know; I've submitted eight stories without benefit of editing, and I am very sorry about all of them.

Right now I have two stories out with an editor. I will not submit them until I get his feedback. There are a lot of editors available: use one.