- All
Comments (11) - Add a
Comment - Send
Feedback Send private anonymous feedback to the author (click here to post a public comment instead).
| Literotica Toy Store ADULT TOY & DVD STORE FAST & DISCREET |
Literotica XXX Webcams 24/7 LIVE CAMS - FREE PREVIEW W/AUDIO! |
Literotica Adult Movies STREAMING ADULT MOVIES PAY PER MINUTE |
English
Poor
Poor and boring story. Glad it's just 1 page.
I just hope!!!
I just hope this ends here...Lame and bad story about a cheating wife anda false friend. No real feelings in here!!!
Written by a loser.
For other losers.
Not personal
Some people can write. Some can't. Unfortunately, you can't.
Keep trying
Your story lacks the drama it takes to make it compelling. Did they worry about getting caught? Was her husband having an affair? Was her marriage on the rocks and she needed to be caught to take the next step? Did the husband suspect an affair and confided in him?
I could go on but you get the picture. Keep trying to improve. Your readers are a tough audience with high expectation for top flight stories. Take the criticism as a challenge.
re-write
The only way to write is to rewrite. Keep writing - you will get better or you will give up. It will be you decision.
Fiction
Eugo# ... You start with a blank slate. Why do you make Sweetie so BLAH? Agree with her not being a Bra Model or Movie Starlet (or Bull/Narrator having a 14" fuckstick!) But why so blah? How plausible is it Sweetie would be dissing her Hubby and her marriage while sitting right next to Hubby?
Why have Hubby 'catch' her being inapprropriate? It had NO follow-up in your accounting!
There are a lot of details that count AND a lot that do NOT. Try to consider which ones will work to further the message you are trying to convey!
2*
Details and logic drive plausibility and interest. If its not believeable, its boring.
So he's as drunk as he's ever been, but he's having an intelligent conversation, that he recalls later? So they are discussing very intimate aspects of their lives, from across the table from each other? How else is she able to scoot down and stick her foot into his crotch, is she a contortionist? Why did he pull out and dump instead of cumming inside her? If he came too soon why didn't he finish her with his mouth? His quick ejaculation left time for more, so why didn't it happen? He and hubby work at the same company, most likely with same start times. So how did she get out early, in the outfit she was wearing?
Just giving you the questions that your story raised in my mind as I was reading. It would be good if you could let others proof not only the grammar but also the logic and credibility.
And one more. Why are Brits such pussy's?
FIRST TIME HUH?
Well, you picked a tough category to start with; Loving Wives is full of sharks. That said, almost everyone who commented was trying to help, the snide remark about Brits aside, and you should pay close attention. I don't agree with the one who said you can't write, but do admit you need practice. Next time, try to actually picture your characters doing what you say they do. Would your woman actually talk about her unsatisfactory sex life all the way across a table while her husband and others are sitting there? At least make them sit side by side so they can whisper. Make sure each character is LIKELY to do what you say they do. Last point for today: proofread, proofread, proofread! Print it out and proofread once more before you submit. I just finished a second part of "Handyman Hank" and had proofed it five times before I printed it for the final proof. I found six errors on the printout. I submitted it thinking it is clean, but I bet readers will still find problems. Just remember, we're not pros, we just want to be.
Poor
I see you've gotten a lot of encouragement. You'll need it because this is a very poor attempt.
Nice Start***
Thanks for sharing.
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to Charlene's Revelation or
More submissions by Eugo18.