The premise is so silly it is painful. The execution is even more painful.
Basically, the message seems to be 'Guys with small dicks try to compensate by cheating and stealing. They can be twarted by honest, bright guys whose wives don't mind being inappropriate for no necessary reason.'
Your story and your political sniveling are both juvenile. There are criminals and good citizens amongst both liberals and conservatives. There are certainly " talking heads " at each end of the political spectrum. Adding your ignorance of this fact just makes you an immature talking head , panty boy.
To all those complaining of spelling or grammar fuck off... the characters and plot are what matter.
@hoppydoodle
You're wrong. There are no good liberals. Their are naive, ignorant liberals and there are deliberately evil liberals, but there are no good liberals.
by
Anonymous01/18/15
I have a bone to pick with you. I found one spelling error. Im just kidding. For people speaking of spelling errors. As far as I am concerned, they can all go straight to .....This is the best story that I have ever read on hear. I am on hear to read a good story. These spelling error freaks are so ugly, that the only way to forget about their ugly wives is to complain about everything. It is so hard to believe that there is so many grammar experts on this site that have never earned a fucking nickel writing any book. These spelling freaks all must be on welfare to have the time to harass everyone, including me. What a pathetic pieces of shit that we have to live in. These spelling error freaks must want money to do your story for you.
by
Anonymous01/18/15
Notice dmhack can complain of your story, but for 5 years he has been a member on this site and has never written one story. I wonder if I can research and see what all his comments in 5 years have been about. I or anyone else please keep everyone on this site updated.
by
Anonymous01/18/15
Well, I liked the idea.....
....just not the delivery.
Take some classes. Learn to write well. Learn to develop characters as people.
Learn to spell, learn to express yourself like an adult comfortable with the English language. Then learn to proofread or get a peer to assist you with editing......
Then write something else for this forum and submit it.
If the idea is as good as this one, you might survive the onslaught of attacks from your detractors long enough to bask in the praise of your fans.....scant as it may be. This is not a very friendly place for the tender-hearted or for thin-skinned writers. Go home to mamma's for that.
In the meantime, please keep your day job. The welfare roles are already too full.
by
Anonymous01/22/15
Your heart is in the right place. But your head . . .
not so much. Take the basic plot structure and just add some interesting characters, an intriguing story with more history and structure, and make the actions and motives dramatic and believable. Try some more.
by
Anonymous05/04/15
Here here
Unless you're volunteering to edit, keep your nit picking about spelling and grammar to your selves.
And to back up another anonymous... I have never met a Liberal that can explain why all his good ideas never work in the REAL WORLD. They even believe we live in a democracy. Probably because they've never learned the pledge of allegiance.. 'and to the REPUBLIC for which it stands, one nation, under GOD...
I can just see them twisting and squirming when they read this... LMFAO
by
Anonymous08/06/15
Nice or Nasty
Why must some of you resort to name calling when some of us give constructive criticism about a story? How can one improve, if there is no critiqueing? I'm an avid reader and lose myself in all sorts of tales (fiction, non-fiction, horror, erotica, science fiction, etc...). A few spelling errors can be easily overlooked. However, when a writer's story suffers from glaringly obvious spelling errors, misuse of words, mistakes with past/present/future tense, poor sentence structure, mix-ups with the names/ages/sexes of the characters and/or continuous use of run on sentences, it can be an ordeal to read a submission. I'm not saying that this particular author's story suffers from all of those. I'm just giving an example of how folks come to comment what they do and rate as they do. Critiquing a story can be done in a respectful and helpful way. The same goes for comments. If you don't agree with someone's critique (comment) of an author's work, there's a way to speak your mind without being a jackanapes about it. My opinion of this story is that the writer has potential. The character's weren't flushed out enough for my taste, it was riddled with grammatical errors, transition from past/present wasn't done smoothly but overall, it was an enjoyable story. I hope the writer isn't discouraged and keeps offering submissions because the more he/she tries, I think the better he/she will become. Good luck!
Really, you had to be one of those pathetic libs with no center? You're writing isn't bad but throwing that chicken stuff in out of context show you will most likely never improve. A bit sad really, but not surprising.
I loved the story but I was starved for more at the end. The ending certainly blindsided me in a very good way. Sexual predators need to be found out and this fantasy made that happen in a well presented well written short. I gave it five stars. Thank you for sharing your talents!
by
Anonymous01/29/16
So Bad
Easily one of the worst things ever written on this site. I would try to be constructive, but detailing its inanities would be longer than this so-called "story" itself. Try again. Or don't. I won't be reading anything more. This genre has the best writers and best stories on here, but this isn't either of those.
by
Anonymous06/16/16
not enough
One page does not make a good story.Any wife or husband does a revenge fuck with out proof needs a divorce just for stupidity sake.
by
Anonymous06/28/16
It was pretty good until...
Of all the stupid, incongruous, idiotic (yes, I know I already said stupid, but it really IS THAT dumb) things to say at the end:
The Sayings of the Conservative talking heads that he has been indoctrinating everyone with are coming down off the walls and trashed
And no, I am not saying that because of my political leanings which is probably best described as libertarian, but because you are so full of the kool-aid of hate and intolerance for anyone that does not believe the same as you, that you could not help yourself and had to add that totally inapropos garbage.
Went from 4 to 1
by
Anonymous08/19/16
LOL
Loved it.
by
Anonymous09/19/16
Anon of 6/28/16 Said It For Me!
Foolish, needless, irrelevant political bashing of those with whom you disagree merely to inject your leftist political agenda into a story, DROPS ALL YOUR STORIES TO ONE STAR!
And i suppose I could retaliate by calling you a dumb pollack, but that would be stooping to your level.
The conservative talking heads indroctonation at the workplace was REAL
Boy, that is going to piss a lot of people off. East coast financial district, 1980's. And by the way, that asshole did get fired. Not because he was abusing his woman staff, ( he was ). His fingers got caught in the till. My friend said that they all went out and got drunk in celebration.
Completely irrelevant and hackneyed political potshot.
You did this in another story too. Is this going to be a recurring theme?
If so I won't be reading much more.
Agreed with anonymous completely. Took it from a creative 4 star story to 1 1/2 to 2
by
Anonymous10/31/16
Completely agreed with Anonymous 6/28, Anonymous 9/16, and DrD
Just a shitty way to interject political propaganda where it made absolutely no sense in the story.
Cheap and trite.
Lowered the score to 2. Only reason not 1 is that it was actually a pretty good story until that stupidity.
Stop. Do the analysis. Political shit defines people.
It defines their trust worthyness, their openness, their honesty, their weaknesses, their strengths..... YES. IT'S ON THE RIGHT, THE LEFT, RELIGIOUS AND NON-RELIGIOUS.. (chose your own divisions) If it pisses you off that that someone actually talks about some of the real bullshit of political life(left, right, center,religious....), then you have issues.
Figure out your own issues. Don't make it another's problem.
The fucking world is not perfect. Newer was, never will be, Get over it. Some of my best friends are totally different from my beliefs. We can see the world as it is, not as we would want it to be.
Understand, the world is sometimes pretty shitty to us and our loved ones. It ain't gonna change. We gotta.
by
Anonymous11/27/16
your comment on comments
I feel about political parties the same way I feel about organized religion. I am aligned with none of them. I do not care what others choose to do. I do not preach to them, so I do not allow them to preach to me.
I am guessing if you ever write a story with an academic setting you will make note of the liberal brainwashing taking place at all educational levels
English
Nice
Good revenge against the stupid asshole boss. He got what he deserved.
Tense
For God's sake, pick a tense.
Aside from being a predictable rehash, jumping back and forth being tenses was just sloppy and lazy.
virtually unreadable
really needs editing
hunter became hunted
Great idea. Short and sweet. They led him on taking his weaknesses to do him in. Great idea.
Good story...
This is a good story and says what a marriage must be: "They knew each other, they trusted each other. They loved each other unconditionally."
SOME HUSBANDS AND WIFES
have integrity, loyalty and trust. TK U MLJ LV NV
Salty
This story needs some spice. Use a bigger dash of salt!
Stasiu
what ?
unreadable....what were the other reviewers thinking...
Pretty weak story and plot
It was rushed shiort and the story did not work for me.
OK
Good idea, spoiled by bad grammar and needless political comments
Narration done VERY poorly.
The premise is so silly it is painful. The execution is even more painful.
Basically, the message seems to be 'Guys with small dicks try to compensate by cheating and stealing. They can be twarted by honest, bright guys whose wives don't mind being inappropriate for no necessary reason.'
Juvenile
Your story and your political sniveling are both juvenile. There are criminals and good citizens amongst both liberals and conservatives. There are certainly " talking heads " at each end of the political spectrum. Adding your ignorance of this fact just makes you an immature talking head , panty boy.
the concept is there
just poorly executed.
Good story
To all those complaining of spelling or grammar fuck off... the characters and plot are what matter.
@hoppydoodle
You're wrong. There are no good liberals. Their are naive, ignorant liberals and there are deliberately evil liberals, but there are no good liberals.
I have a bone to pick with you. I found one spelling error. Im just kidding. For people speaking of spelling errors. As far as I am concerned, they can all go straight to .....This is the best story that I have ever read on hear. I am on hear to read a good story. These spelling error freaks are so ugly, that the only way to forget about their ugly wives is to complain about everything. It is so hard to believe that there is so many grammar experts on this site that have never earned a fucking nickel writing any book. These spelling freaks all must be on welfare to have the time to harass everyone, including me. What a pathetic pieces of shit that we have to live in. These spelling error freaks must want money to do your story for you.
Notice dmhack can complain of your story, but for 5 years he has been a member on this site and has never written one story. I wonder if I can research and see what all his comments in 5 years have been about. I or anyone else please keep everyone on this site updated.
Well, I liked the idea.....
....just not the delivery.
Take some classes. Learn to write well. Learn to develop characters as people.
Learn to spell, learn to express yourself like an adult comfortable with the English language. Then learn to proofread or get a peer to assist you with editing......
Then write something else for this forum and submit it.
If the idea is as good as this one, you might survive the onslaught of attacks from your detractors long enough to bask in the praise of your fans.....scant as it may be. This is not a very friendly place for the tender-hearted or for thin-skinned writers. Go home to mamma's for that.
In the meantime, please keep your day job. The welfare roles are already too full.
Your heart is in the right place. But your head . . .
not so much. Take the basic plot structure and just add some interesting characters, an intriguing story with more history and structure, and make the actions and motives dramatic and believable. Try some more.
Here here
Unless you're volunteering to edit, keep your nit picking about spelling and grammar to your selves.
And to back up another anonymous... I have never met a Liberal that can explain why all his good ideas never work in the REAL WORLD. They even believe we live in a democracy. Probably because they've never learned the pledge of allegiance.. 'and to the REPUBLIC for which it stands, one nation, under GOD...
I can just see them twisting and squirming when they read this... LMFAO
Nice or Nasty
Why must some of you resort to name calling when some of us give constructive criticism about a story? How can one improve, if there is no critiqueing? I'm an avid reader and lose myself in all sorts of tales (fiction, non-fiction, horror, erotica, science fiction, etc...). A few spelling errors can be easily overlooked. However, when a writer's story suffers from glaringly obvious spelling errors, misuse of words, mistakes with past/present/future tense, poor sentence structure, mix-ups with the names/ages/sexes of the characters and/or continuous use of run on sentences, it can be an ordeal to read a submission. I'm not saying that this particular author's story suffers from all of those. I'm just giving an example of how folks come to comment what they do and rate as they do. Critiquing a story can be done in a respectful and helpful way. The same goes for comments. If you don't agree with someone's critique (comment) of an author's work, there's a way to speak your mind without being a jackanapes about it. My opinion of this story is that the writer has potential. The character's weren't flushed out enough for my taste, it was riddled with grammatical errors, transition from past/present wasn't done smoothly but overall, it was an enjoyable story. I hope the writer isn't discouraged and keeps offering submissions because the more he/she tries, I think the better he/she will become. Good luck!
Conservative talking heads
Really, you had to be one of those pathetic libs with no center? You're writing isn't bad but throwing that chicken stuff in out of context show you will most likely never improve. A bit sad really, but not surprising.
Keep working...ur doing fine!
good work
Inane and talentless drivel ! "1*" !!
Nuf.
Totally entertaining and very condensed!
I loved the story but I was starved for more at the end. The ending certainly blindsided me in a very good way. Sexual predators need to be found out and this fantasy made that happen in a well presented well written short. I gave it five stars. Thank you for sharing your talents!
So Bad
Easily one of the worst things ever written on this site. I would try to be constructive, but detailing its inanities would be longer than this so-called "story" itself. Try again. Or don't. I won't be reading anything more. This genre has the best writers and best stories on here, but this isn't either of those.
not enough
One page does not make a good story.Any wife or husband does a revenge fuck with out proof needs a divorce just for stupidity sake.
It was pretty good until...
Of all the stupid, incongruous, idiotic (yes, I know I already said stupid, but it really IS THAT dumb) things to say at the end:
The Sayings of the Conservative talking heads that he has been indoctrinating everyone with are coming down off the walls and trashed
And no, I am not saying that because of my political leanings which is probably best described as libertarian, but because you are so full of the kool-aid of hate and intolerance for anyone that does not believe the same as you, that you could not help yourself and had to add that totally inapropos garbage.
Went from 4 to 1
LOL
Loved it.
Anon of 6/28/16 Said It For Me!
Foolish, needless, irrelevant political bashing of those with whom you disagree merely to inject your leftist political agenda into a story, DROPS ALL YOUR STORIES TO ONE STAR!
And i suppose I could retaliate by calling you a dumb pollack, but that would be stooping to your level.
The conservative talking heads indroctonation at the workplace was REAL
Boy, that is going to piss a lot of people off. East coast financial district, 1980's. And by the way, that asshole did get fired. Not because he was abusing his woman staff, ( he was ). His fingers got caught in the till. My friend said that they all went out and got drunk in celebration.
Dumb Revenge Story
Not a very good read.
Anonymous 06/28/16 nailed it spot on.
Absolutely stupid thing to say.
Completely irrelevant and hackneyed political potshot.
You did this in another story too. Is this going to be a recurring theme?
If so I won't be reading much more.
Agreed with anonymous completely. Took it from a creative 4 star story to 1 1/2 to 2
Completely agreed with Anonymous 6/28, Anonymous 9/16, and DrD
Just a shitty way to interject political propaganda where it made absolutely no sense in the story.
Cheap and trite.
Lowered the score to 2. Only reason not 1 is that it was actually a pretty good story until that stupidity.
Inserting non-relevent Political shit into story?
Stop. Do the analysis. Political shit defines people.
It defines their trust worthyness, their openness, their honesty, their weaknesses, their strengths..... YES. IT'S ON THE RIGHT, THE LEFT, RELIGIOUS AND NON-RELIGIOUS.. (chose your own divisions) If it pisses you off that that someone actually talks about some of the real bullshit of political life(left, right, center,religious....), then you have issues.
Figure out your own issues. Don't make it another's problem.
The fucking world is not perfect. Newer was, never will be, Get over it. Some of my best friends are totally different from my beliefs. We can see the world as it is, not as we would want it to be.
Understand, the world is sometimes pretty shitty to us and our loved ones. It ain't gonna change. We gotta.
your comment on comments
I feel about political parties the same way I feel about organized religion. I am aligned with none of them. I do not care what others choose to do. I do not preach to them, so I do not allow them to preach to me.
I am guessing if you ever write a story with an academic setting you will make note of the liberal brainwashing taking place at all educational levels
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