What a move, would love to read more about these two. great story thanks for moving me..
by
Anonymous01/26/15
This might be a snapshot, but not a story, so 1*.
You need more detail--a lot more, among other things.
Why did Tanya cheat with Don? As the narrator, we need to know more about her thought process and motives. Were there issues between her and Brad? And why would Don do this to Brad?
The dialogue of "Pump my cunt full of cum" reads like a bad comic book, not a good erotic story. Leave lines like that out. If it doesn't add to the story or scene, skip it. It is really cheesy and not even a little erotic.
Had this been written with any artistic sensibility, it may have been good.
Having grown up with a mom that was married three different times. I would have never left my girl friend with my stepfather, I just do not trust them. Two, the smell of sex is pretty strong, so if I had left her there, she would have been dumped the minute I walked back into the apartment. Lastly the girlfriend is slut, so she needs to dump ASAP anyway.
English
when your hot your hot
What a move, would love to read more about these two. great story thanks for moving me..
This might be a snapshot, but not a story, so 1*.
You need more detail--a lot more, among other things.
Why did Tanya cheat with Don? As the narrator, we need to know more about her thought process and motives. Were there issues between her and Brad? And why would Don do this to Brad?
The dialogue of "Pump my cunt full of cum" reads like a bad comic book, not a good erotic story. Leave lines like that out. If it doesn't add to the story or scene, skip it. It is really cheesy and not even a little erotic.
Had this been written with any artistic sensibility, it may have been good.
not so much
Having grown up with a mom that was married three different times. I would have never left my girl friend with my stepfather, I just do not trust them. Two, the smell of sex is pretty strong, so if I had left her there, she would have been dumped the minute I walked back into the apartment. Lastly the girlfriend is slut, so she needs to dump ASAP anyway.
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