This was a REALLY Hot story to read. I almost blew my load a few times. You definitely have good potential as a writer. The only thing is that throughout the story I saw that it kept changing point of views, going from "I said..." to "Michelle/David said...", try to stick to one point of view and change it when it seems appropriate or if you're changing point of view for the sake of the story or something. Plus there were a few spelling and grammar errors here and there so I'd suggest reading it out loud to yourself (not in normal voice necessarily just slowly so you can get every word).
by
Anonymous02/11/15
Great story, great character build-up, but...
...please be careful with switching so freely from first person to third person. Otherwise, fantastic read!
by
Anonymous02/11/15
Next chapter please
What will happen next with David/Michelle, and where would lead towards if David wants to be Michelle on a perhaps full time basis and be with Simone.
by
Anonymous02/12/15
Good stuff
by
Anonymous02/12/15
Nice
I gave you 5 stars because the story was great, but, please proofread your work or have someone proofread it for you. The spelling mistakes and use of the wrong words, was almost too much.
But great story line. Keep at it.
Very good story and I was right in the moment... more please
by
Anonymous07/30/15
Hawt
Wow loved your story Michelle is such a little sex muffin I hope we hear more about what she's up to and my goodness that Simone is quite the naughty young lady. I was worried for a moment there in the darkness of the club but she kept her cool and everything worked out great. Luckily they will be able to pay their rent and now finally our little friend is getting some. If he couldn't get any action as a boy he made up some time by scoring some d and getting off a couple times- must have been nice, thanks for delving deep into the story there!
by
Anonymous11/27/16
check your spelling
What's long and hard and full of seamen? A submarine. That joke only works when you say it. It's "semen". And you switch from "he" to "I" constantly. Try to be consistent. Also, this seems to take place in America, but is full of British-isms like "bloke" and "Y-fronts".
English
Can't wait for more ...
Good but needs some work
This was a REALLY Hot story to read. I almost blew my load a few times. You definitely have good potential as a writer. The only thing is that throughout the story I saw that it kept changing point of views, going from "I said..." to "Michelle/David said...", try to stick to one point of view and change it when it seems appropriate or if you're changing point of view for the sake of the story or something. Plus there were a few spelling and grammar errors here and there so I'd suggest reading it out loud to yourself (not in normal voice necessarily just slowly so you can get every word).
Great story, great character build-up, but...
...please be careful with switching so freely from first person to third person. Otherwise, fantastic read!
Next chapter please
What will happen next with David/Michelle, and where would lead towards if David wants to be Michelle on a perhaps full time basis and be with Simone.
Good stuff
Nice
I gave you 5 stars because the story was great, but, please proofread your work or have someone proofread it for you. The spelling mistakes and use of the wrong words, was almost too much.
But great story line. Keep at it.
very good
Very good story and I was right in the moment... more please
Hawt
Wow loved your story Michelle is such a little sex muffin I hope we hear more about what she's up to and my goodness that Simone is quite the naughty young lady. I was worried for a moment there in the darkness of the club but she kept her cool and everything worked out great. Luckily they will be able to pay their rent and now finally our little friend is getting some. If he couldn't get any action as a boy he made up some time by scoring some d and getting off a couple times- must have been nice, thanks for delving deep into the story there!
check your spelling
What's long and hard and full of seamen? A submarine. That joke only works when you say it. It's "semen". And you switch from "he" to "I" constantly. Try to be consistent. Also, this seems to take place in America, but is full of British-isms like "bloke" and "Y-fronts".
Love it!
I can't wait to see hiw far Michelle is willing to go for extra cash. Btw there were a few errors but it didn't take away from the story.
*****
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