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English
good story
I'm always excited to see fellow piss writers post stories on Lit. this one was good, but could be better with a little more editing and emotional detail.
don't listen to the haters who don't realize this is a fantasy site so the rules of reality don't necessarily apply.
keep up the good work.
Fine story!
With more detail and dialog, I'd be more drawn in...but not bad for a first story :)
Needs some refining
The story itself wasn't too bad and the scenario was hot, but it needed some editing help.
There were no quotation marks used to separate dialogue from the rest of the text.
A little bit of logic would have helped, too. The guy invites the girl up to his office and they hose each other down in piss, then they they go out for a cigarette in their soaked clothes and return to the office to order a pizza? You could made it so the guy had a key to the executive washroom or someplace where they could have at least gotten cleaned up a bit, or even done the deed, rather than peeing all over the office. Fantasy or true story, that just didn't make sense. Who would want their place of business smelling like piss? Then, there is the matter of a pizza delivery person being able enter an office building after hours to make a delivery to an upper floor office. Not exactly the best security for an all-but-empty office building at night, leaving an entrance open while the lone occupants are on an upper floor.
Some things could have been expanded upon, like when "She started whispering some really dirty talk...," what did she say? It would have made the story hotter for the reader to know what nasty things she had to say. Near the end of the story, what was said when they talked about what they had just done? That was a place where there could have been a bit of added insight into the characters' thoughts and motivations. Were there particular reasons why both of them were so turned-on by this pee fetish?
It wasn't too bad for a first effort, but it could have been better.
A real turn-on!!!
Thanks for a fun and arousing story,,,,, Inspiring too ;-) inspired me a lot,,, I'll have that Beatles tune in my head all day now... "Girl. I want to pee with you...."
Good Story
Loved the story and hope there is more to come! Would love to have a woman empty her bladder on me. By far my biggest turn on!
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