Did you ever read "Son of Chrono : Book 1 origin"? Because the main character has the same power than in that story.
As for your story, it's good but not great. You dive in the action too quickly. In just one page, he has his mother and sister under his control. We don't have time to get to know the characters, who by the way don't have names, and be excited with the idea of the mother and sister becoming his slave because they already are.
by
Anonymous02/17/15
Very Juvenile...
... not sure if the author is even 18. Is this about stopping time or hypnosis? And if the mother has front legs, does she also have rear legs? Like a cow or dog?
by
Anonymous02/17/15
Interesting, and interested to see where you go from here
by
Anonymous02/17/15
Part One?
What, you cared so little about your own story you couldn't be bothered to warn this wasn't a complete story BEFORE opening it?
Like a 12 year old boy that has the hots for his mom and sister and wishful thinking.
by
Anonymous02/18/15
for the love of all that is pornographic...
Please please please learn the difference between your and you're.
It's really not that hard.
by
Anonymous02/18/15
Not bad
I think it would have been more interesting to see him play with them while frozen.
by
Anonymous02/18/15
disappointing
the idea is nice but the story isn't up to it.
by
Anonymous02/18/15
The only proper way to end this story...
Is to have dad walk in while mom and sis is sucking his sons cock, and dad beat his son to death with a baseball bat. And then dad hunts down the author of this POS with his bat.
by
Anonymous02/18/15
well you're half right dear annonly! Just like your half witted brain!!!
The dad should find them and join in taking the daughter as the mom takes the son!!!! And you dear annony should go for a walk in the wood of Mass. and die of cold or have a bear eat your sorry ass but He would most likely die of poisoning!! But, for us, either way this site would be rid of the scum you are.
by
Anonymous02/18/15
Why didnt you let them fight a few before you froze time?
by
Anonymous02/19/15
poor use of a great idea...
"The Fermata" uses this 'ability' in a more erotic but much less pornographic way.
Great start to the story. More chapters please. It'd work better if you based it around the three of them, instead of introducing lots more characters, including the father. Like find a way for the three of them to leave the father and live together.
by
Anonymous02/25/15
Some constructive (I hope) criticism
Read "Discovery of the Moment" for some time stop ideas. While yours isn't horrible, it has no character development, no emotional attachment. Sounds more like a 13-14 year old than an 18 tear old.
WOW I CAN STOP TIME! BETTER GROPE MOM!
While it would eventually occur to an 18 year old, I think he'd be more likely to prank people, especially his buds, maybe embarrass his sister a few times, he'd get his reluctant girlfriend to come through, or maybe feel up the head cheerleader and THEN realize the people he talked to obeyed his wishes if he spoke to them while frozen. He'd go home and find mom and sis doing yoga, and BINGO the light comes on. and he TAKES HIS TIME, building up to finally getting in the family orgy that you describe. 3/5
English
Write more!
This is so good and it got me so wet
More pls!
Love these type of stories, eagerly awaiting more! :)
It looks familiar
Did you ever read "Son of Chrono : Book 1 origin"? Because the main character has the same power than in that story.
As for your story, it's good but not great. You dive in the action too quickly. In just one page, he has his mother and sister under his control. We don't have time to get to know the characters, who by the way don't have names, and be excited with the idea of the mother and sister becoming his slave because they already are.
Very Juvenile...
... not sure if the author is even 18. Is this about stopping time or hypnosis? And if the mother has front legs, does she also have rear legs? Like a cow or dog?
Interesting, and interested to see where you go from here
Part One?
What, you cared so little about your own story you couldn't be bothered to warn this wasn't a complete story BEFORE opening it?
Sounds
Like a 12 year old boy that has the hots for his mom and sister and wishful thinking.
for the love of all that is pornographic...
Please please please learn the difference between your and you're.
It's really not that hard.
Not bad
I think it would have been more interesting to see him play with them while frozen.
disappointing
the idea is nice but the story isn't up to it.
The only proper way to end this story...
Is to have dad walk in while mom and sis is sucking his sons cock, and dad beat his son to death with a baseball bat. And then dad hunts down the author of this POS with his bat.
well you're half right dear annonly! Just like your half witted brain!!!
The dad should find them and join in taking the daughter as the mom takes the son!!!! And you dear annony should go for a walk in the wood of Mass. and die of cold or have a bear eat your sorry ass but He would most likely die of poisoning!! But, for us, either way this site would be rid of the scum you are.
Why didnt you let them fight a few before you froze time?
poor use of a great idea...
"The Fermata" uses this 'ability' in a more erotic but much less pornographic way.
Great start
Great start to the story. More chapters please. It'd work better if you based it around the three of them, instead of introducing lots more characters, including the father. Like find a way for the three of them to leave the father and live together.
Some constructive (I hope) criticism
Read "Discovery of the Moment" for some time stop ideas. While yours isn't horrible, it has no character development, no emotional attachment. Sounds more like a 13-14 year old than an 18 tear old.
WOW I CAN STOP TIME! BETTER GROPE MOM!
While it would eventually occur to an 18 year old, I think he'd be more likely to prank people, especially his buds, maybe embarrass his sister a few times, he'd get his reluctant girlfriend to come through, or maybe feel up the head cheerleader and THEN realize the people he talked to obeyed his wishes if he spoke to them while frozen. He'd go home and find mom and sis doing yoga, and BINGO the light comes on. and he TAKES HIS TIME, building up to finally getting in the family orgy that you describe. 3/5
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