- All
Comments (3) - Add a
Comment - Send
Feedback Send private anonymous feedback to the author (click here to post a public comment instead).
| Literotica Toy Store ADULT TOY & DVD STORE FAST & DISCREET |
Literotica XXX Webcams 24/7 LIVE CAMS - FREE PREVIEW W/AUDIO! |
Literotica Adult Movies STREAMING ADULT MOVIES PAY PER MINUTE |
English
And it started so well!!
Then you had to do what, for me, is a cardinal sin!!
You tried to make out that 'I'. the Reader, was a participant.
Since I KNOW that I, the "reader" was not there, did not take part, any possibility of your story being in any way believable went right out the window and what COULD have been a good story became a total waste of time!!
Sorry, from a possible 4* or 5* it then descended to 1*
I am not a woman
The second I reached this sentence, I clicked out of the story.
"I pulled you in and knocked the door to with my hip."
Think for a minute. How in hell are more than half your readers, all male, going to relate to some guy pushing them into a room, kissing them and squeezing their bottom? It should be obvious, but a lot of new writers do this, and wonder why their readership and scores are so low. If you want me to read your story, you have to engage me. Making me a woman isn't likely to do that.
Seriously, you need to do yourself a BIG favor and just change all those YOUs to some woman's name. It will make the story readable.
Fair Comment
Both fair comments. This and my other stories were originally written for a small and exclusively female readership. I forgot that many, if not most, readers here would be male. I will get round to rectifying this one eventually and will take care of the others before posting.
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to Party for Three or
More submissions by Garryguitar.